No questions as such, I just feel I need to write things down so I can start looking forward a bit more rather than dwelling on the what ifs.
Baby Jessica was born last Wednesday after a rather traumatic birth (I can't remember much of the last 7 hours of my labour so certainly more traumatic for Neil and Jessica than me but the basis was baby turned back to back at the onset of labour which made things slow and difficult; epidural failed; baby got vey distressed; failed ventouse followed by forceps and episiotomy). However, I felt very well and Jessica seemed fine and we went home 10 hours later.
That evening (we were discharged at 2.30pm) I thought she looked a bit yellow. I was very badly jaundiced at birth (and my mum had a similar birth with me) and needed phototherapy. however, Jessica appeared to be feeding well so we waited for the midwife who was to visit the next day. The midwife didn't turn up until 8.30pm the next day by which time Jessica was very yellow.
However, the midwife said as she was feeding well and was alert she wasn't overly concerned but would get someone to visit us the next day as I was concerned. The next day Jessica was somehow even more yellow, and it was spreading down her body. Also her eyes were no longer just tinged yellow they looked amost radioactive. A different midwife came round who brushed off my concerns and basically said she wasn't very yellow at all but she'd get someone to ring me the next day (I started to feel like I was being a bit of a nuisance
).
Anyway, that was at about 12pm. My mum had been round when the midwife visited and left shortly after. She spoke to one of her friends who is a health visitor when she got home who basically said if I wasn't happy I should take Jessica to hospital to get her jaundice tested. By this poin Jessica had become quite sleepy and I couldn't get her to latch on properly. She had been a fairly lazy feeder though (she was only 2 days old by this point) though so it wasn't especially out of the ordinary I suppose. I just felt something was wrong though. We stripped her off and she did very little so we deicded to give her a bath to try and wake her up a bit. She was very content in the bath which I thought meant she was enjoying it but she was obviously not really with it. Dying her she whinged a bit but suddenly went very floppy. I got her dressed but couldn't rouse her, she wouldn't open her eyes or respond to anything.
We rushed her to A&E (Friday afternoon). A lot of what then happened is a blur because I was beside myself. They took blood from Jessica to test for, well, just about everything. They also put a cannula in her hand which was horrific. She was given fluids and had a chest x-ray before being transferred to SCBU where they started a cocktail of intravenous antibiotics. They then moved her into a side room on the postnatal ward so I could be with her permanently and I just had to wheel her round to SCBU regularly for her antibiotics. On Saturday, preliminary results from her blood tests showed sepsis (blood poisoning). She then had a lumbar puncture (which took 3 attempts
) to rule out meningitis. The preliminary results for this were back within hours and were thankfully clear. I was also asked to get a sample of mid stream urine from her (which took quite a few attempts!)
Over the course of the weekend she was subjected to more blood tests and lots of nasty heel pricks (by day 5 whn she had the Guthrie test she was so used to them she didn't even cry which I found so sad ) On Sunday she also had to have her cannula resited to the other hand as it was coming out and causing her lots of pain. She was a million times better by this point though and feeding all the time.
All her results came back on Monday (they needed to be left for 48 hours to see if anything had grown) and were all clear. Although this was apparently quite puzzling (the paediatrician also said he had never seen such a yellow baby with low bilirubin levels (although elevated they were well below the threshold for phototherapy).
I think the general consensus was that there had been something going on but it was caught very quickly so she picked up very quickly on antibiotics. Her traumatic birth probably played some part in it and the preliminary sepsis result and dehydration led to her looking much more jaundiced than she was.
After 72 hours her IV antibiotics were stopped and we stayed in hospital for a further 24 hours observation. She has been given the all clear and we are now home and just need to keep a very close eye on her. The hospital also sent a community midwife round which I wasn't expecting (you are only meant to see someone on day 1, 5 and 10) but was grateful for and offered to come round daily until Jessica is signed over to the health visitor.
The first night we spent in hospital was horrendous. My poor baby had been put through so much and I had this overwhelming feeling that it was for nothing; I'd put her through all of those tests and awful experiences because I was paranoid first time mum - after all two different midwives had told me she was okay. The paediatrician looking after her in hospital was wonderful and when I told him this he saidvshe wouldn't have got better without coming to hospital and babies don't cope very well with these things - time wasn't on our side. Which had me in in a rather desperate state again - what if I had just accepted what the midwives had said and not trusted my instincts? What if I had just thought she was a nice quiet baby and put her down in her moses basket? I can't help thinking how differently things might have been. There was nothing to say there was something so wrong with my baby. The jaundice wasn't a problem but was the only visible issue - I couldn't explain what was wrong with Jessica, things just didn't feel right. She was only 2 days old though and I wasn't sure I knew her well enough to be able to say that. I'm so pleased I did though. Jessica is a week old now and a different baby - the baby she should be. A normal baby that wants feeding and cries and detests very loudly when I change her nappy.
I'm not expecting anyone to get to the end of this. It's taken an awfully long time to write - it's painful writing it all down in one go (but cathartic) and I'm also one handed now. I'm just hoping that going through from start to finsih will help me to get past it as I still can't help but break down in floods of tears when certain memories come back to me. I obviously discussed it with Neil and my family but can't manage all of it and they also find it equally painful. Neil found it very hard to accept.
And if you did manage to get to the end, please trust your instincts. They are very powerful and it's true, as a mother, you certainly do know your baby better than anyone else.
Baby Jessica was born last Wednesday after a rather traumatic birth (I can't remember much of the last 7 hours of my labour so certainly more traumatic for Neil and Jessica than me but the basis was baby turned back to back at the onset of labour which made things slow and difficult; epidural failed; baby got vey distressed; failed ventouse followed by forceps and episiotomy). However, I felt very well and Jessica seemed fine and we went home 10 hours later.
That evening (we were discharged at 2.30pm) I thought she looked a bit yellow. I was very badly jaundiced at birth (and my mum had a similar birth with me) and needed phototherapy. however, Jessica appeared to be feeding well so we waited for the midwife who was to visit the next day. The midwife didn't turn up until 8.30pm the next day by which time Jessica was very yellow.
However, the midwife said as she was feeding well and was alert she wasn't overly concerned but would get someone to visit us the next day as I was concerned. The next day Jessica was somehow even more yellow, and it was spreading down her body. Also her eyes were no longer just tinged yellow they looked amost radioactive. A different midwife came round who brushed off my concerns and basically said she wasn't very yellow at all but she'd get someone to ring me the next day (I started to feel like I was being a bit of a nuisance
).Anyway, that was at about 12pm. My mum had been round when the midwife visited and left shortly after. She spoke to one of her friends who is a health visitor when she got home who basically said if I wasn't happy I should take Jessica to hospital to get her jaundice tested. By this poin Jessica had become quite sleepy and I couldn't get her to latch on properly. She had been a fairly lazy feeder though (she was only 2 days old by this point) though so it wasn't especially out of the ordinary I suppose. I just felt something was wrong though. We stripped her off and she did very little so we deicded to give her a bath to try and wake her up a bit. She was very content in the bath which I thought meant she was enjoying it but she was obviously not really with it. Dying her she whinged a bit but suddenly went very floppy. I got her dressed but couldn't rouse her, she wouldn't open her eyes or respond to anything.
We rushed her to A&E (Friday afternoon). A lot of what then happened is a blur because I was beside myself. They took blood from Jessica to test for, well, just about everything. They also put a cannula in her hand which was horrific. She was given fluids and had a chest x-ray before being transferred to SCBU where they started a cocktail of intravenous antibiotics. They then moved her into a side room on the postnatal ward so I could be with her permanently and I just had to wheel her round to SCBU regularly for her antibiotics. On Saturday, preliminary results from her blood tests showed sepsis (blood poisoning). She then had a lumbar puncture (which took 3 attempts
) to rule out meningitis. The preliminary results for this were back within hours and were thankfully clear. I was also asked to get a sample of mid stream urine from her (which took quite a few attempts!)Over the course of the weekend she was subjected to more blood tests and lots of nasty heel pricks (by day 5 whn she had the Guthrie test she was so used to them she didn't even cry which I found so sad
) On Sunday she also had to have her cannula resited to the other hand as it was coming out and causing her lots of pain. She was a million times better by this point though and feeding all the time.All her results came back on Monday (they needed to be left for 48 hours to see if anything had grown) and were all clear. Although this was apparently quite puzzling (the paediatrician also said he had never seen such a yellow baby with low bilirubin levels (although elevated they were well below the threshold for phototherapy).
I think the general consensus was that there had been something going on but it was caught very quickly so she picked up very quickly on antibiotics. Her traumatic birth probably played some part in it and the preliminary sepsis result and dehydration led to her looking much more jaundiced than she was.
After 72 hours her IV antibiotics were stopped and we stayed in hospital for a further 24 hours observation. She has been given the all clear and we are now home and just need to keep a very close eye on her. The hospital also sent a community midwife round which I wasn't expecting (you are only meant to see someone on day 1, 5 and 10) but was grateful for and offered to come round daily until Jessica is signed over to the health visitor.
The first night we spent in hospital was horrendous. My poor baby had been put through so much and I had this overwhelming feeling that it was for nothing; I'd put her through all of those tests and awful experiences because I was paranoid first time mum - after all two different midwives had told me she was okay. The paediatrician looking after her in hospital was wonderful and when I told him this he saidvshe wouldn't have got better without coming to hospital and babies don't cope very well with these things - time wasn't on our side. Which had me in in a rather desperate state again - what if I had just accepted what the midwives had said and not trusted my instincts? What if I had just thought she was a nice quiet baby and put her down in her moses basket? I can't help thinking how differently things might have been. There was nothing to say there was something so wrong with my baby. The jaundice wasn't a problem but was the only visible issue - I couldn't explain what was wrong with Jessica, things just didn't feel right. She was only 2 days old though and I wasn't sure I knew her well enough to be able to say that. I'm so pleased I did though. Jessica is a week old now and a different baby - the baby she should be. A normal baby that wants feeding and cries and detests very loudly when I change her nappy.
I'm not expecting anyone to get to the end of this. It's taken an awfully long time to write - it's painful writing it all down in one go (but cathartic) and I'm also one handed now. I'm just hoping that going through from start to finsih will help me to get past it as I still can't help but break down in floods of tears when certain memories come back to me. I obviously discussed it with Neil and my family but can't manage all of it and they also find it equally painful. Neil found it very hard to accept.
And if you did manage to get to the end, please trust your instincts. They are very powerful and it's true, as a mother, you certainly do know your baby better than anyone else.
I cant imagine how it must have been for you.
