Please help me

[33Becca]

Hi, I hope I've placed this on the right board, I'm probably gonna seem to be going on a little bit I really really need some advice on what to do.
So my partner and I have been discussing plans about having our first child, and he is desperate to have a child of his own, and as much as I would love to have the same thing I don't think I can.
When I was 13 I was raped, and since then I have had self esteem problems, an eating disorder, self harm/depression. I've already had two failed pregnancies, one with my current partner, and I just feel that taking an alternative route is the way to go for me but he doesn't want to do this. Im dreading the day it comes around and I'm so petrified that I've even thought abit ways I could continue to take contraception without him knowing
I don't think he fully understands how I feel about this as women do t all the time and many have multiple, but thinking about being pregnant and childbirth makes me feel sick and gives me a panic attack.
Can anyone help or offer any advice please?

 

[kumber]

I'm sorry you went through something so awful, I can't imagine how that has impacted on you.

In terms of pregnancy, it's difficult. Pregnancy and childbirth terrified me and the thought of putting my body through it was not something I relished, however, I always knew I wanted a family so it was all necessary. Having losses makes it even more terrifying when you haven't had a successful pregnancy, and there will be many women on here who have shared your fears, so bear in mind that if it's something you want then you absolutely can get through it and might not be as bad as you fear.

On the flip side of that, it's YOUR body and no one has a say over what you do with it except YOU. If you absolutely do not want a pregnancy then you absolutely do not have to have one. If your partner is not willing to accept this or work with you then unfortunately the relationship will not last.

The main thing is that you do what you're happy with, not what anyone else wants. Good luck with it all

 

[33Becca]

I know I want a family, and as much as I would like to have my own I really just see myself getting past it at the moment. It's hard because his own so badly I don't think he can see how much it is affecting me, and as such can't consider having a family a different way, I can really see this breaking us up

 

[ladybugs90]

Also, you can explain to the doctors you are scared of childbirth and ask to go straight in for a c-section so you don't have to deal with any of the pain. I would highly recommend some private hypnotherapy to help conquer your fears.

 

[33Becca]

Also, you can explain to the doctors you are scared of childbirth and ask to go straight in for a c-section so you don't have to deal with any of the pain. I would highly recommend some private hypnotherapy to help conquer your fears.

I have thought about a c section but I'm terrified of that as well. It's not just the birth thing it's the whole pregnancy process

 

[Leighwiltshire]

i myself was in a very similar situation to yourself.

i was abused when i was younger, my last relationship before this one i was abused/raped.

my OH has children now but i knew he was the man i wanted to have my child with. i also have eating disorders and depression.

this baby has changed my outlook on life, i do struggle and i do panic as the day draws closer but i know i will get through it. i have gotten through everything else this life has thrown at me this is another hurdle for me and it will be my reason to live and my reason to keep going when i have my dark days.

my little boy is measuring small and i believe its due to my eating disorder and im struggling to eat - worried about getting fat etc not being good enough - but i know i need to put this to the back of my mind and think of my son.

you will find the strength talk it out with him, tell him exactly how you feel and how the thought of pregnancy makes you feel - you are not alone xxx

 

[snowbee]

Hi Becca, have you spoken with your GP about your fears? I would recommend doing so and seeing if they will refer you for some counselling. It may also be helpful to have counselling together at some point, so that your partner can understand your fears and help you.

There are lots of ways you can still have a family, even if you don't wish to give birth yourself. There are options like surrogacy where you could use your own eggs and your partners sperm to adoption and fostering so don't feel trapped and without choice.

As ladybugs mentioned above, some alternative therapies might also benefit you, sometimes you need to try them and see what suits you.

 

[33Becca]

i myself was in a very similar situation to yourself.

i was abused when i was younger, my last relationship before this one i was abused/raped.

my OH has children now but i knew he was the man i wanted to have my child with. i also have eating disorders and depression.

this baby has changed my outlook on life, i do struggle and i do panic as the day draws closer but i know i will get through it. i have gotten through everything else this life has thrown at me this is another hurdle for me and it will be my reason to live and my reason to keep going when i have my dark days.

my little boy is measuring small and i believe its due to my eating disorder and im struggling to eat - worried about getting fat etc not being good enough - but i know i need to put this to the back of my mind and think of my son.

you will find the strength talk it out with him, tell him exactly how you feel and how the thought of pregnancy makes you feel - you are not alone xxx

Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations!! I am really trying to explain it but it's so hard to do with someone who can't fathom why you wouldn't want to do it if it means ou get a child

 

[33Becca]

Hi Becca, have you spoken with your GP about your fears? I would recommend doing so and seeing if they will refer you for some counselling. It may also be helpful to have counselling together at some point, so that your partner can understand your fears and help you.

There are lots of ways you can still have a family, even if you don't wish to give birth yourself. There are options like surrogacy where you could use your own eggs and your partners sperm to adoption and fostering so don't feel trapped and without choice.

As ladybugs mentioned above, some alternative therapies might also benefit you, sometimes you need to try them and see what suits you.

I think both of us going for counselling may actually be a very good idea thank you. Surrogacy would be my ideal I think, but it's very costly form what I've read, and I don't think we would be eligble for it as (as far as we know) are not infertile. Thank you for all your advice

 

[lisadebra]

Go see a doctor !