People staying with you after birth

[Evasmum2016]

Posted on another thread but no replies, just really want people's unbiased opinion.

Expecting second baby in November. MIL lives hundreds of miles away, she is widowed, elderly and not at all independent, relies on family and friends near to her to do pretty much everything. She wants to come down on train to visit and stay with us once baby is born. I'm dreading it, she is not an easy person to be around... Very bitter and argumentative lady.

Baby due 23rd Nov, thinking of suggesting soon that assuming baby arrives around due date she could visit for a few days from boxing day Tues 26th Dec whilst husband is home from work. Do you think this is reasonable of me? She is quite a burden, she can't walk very far and not no independancey. I will respect my husband's wishes, it is his mum after all... but I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home shortly after giving birth.

She is also likely to want to come for daughters 2nd birthday (She may chicken out of catching train though, husband had to do 15hr round car trip to pick her up last time); but I'm going to say it will be too near to due date, her birthday's just 3 weeks before, but she's welcome to stay for a few days a month earlier!?

She and her late husband came to stay for the week 6 days after first baby, was far too soon and I felt quite stressed by the time they left.

 

[Akua]

I don’t have children, but I would say no. You need time to recover and adjust to life, not be entertaining, and especially not someone who requires a lot of support themselves

 

[WinterWolf]

Just be honest. Tell her it's all too much straight after giving birth. Dealing with a newborn and trying to heal will be enough without having to look after her as well!

 

[BunnyN]

I think you are being very reasonable. Obviously as your husbands mother and grandmother of baby you don't want to exclude her totally but it is totally reasonable saying she can't stay in your house just after birth. Just from a practical point of view, depending on how the birth goes you may need extra support yourself and you have a newborn to look after you won't be able to look after a guest, especially one that is not independent. It is also such a special time. Baby is only newborn once and you need time to enjoy it and bond. If you plan on breastfeeding its really important you have plenty of uninterrupted time until things are going smoothly.

 

[Shanivy]

I think you're more reasonable than me!

Second baby means you know what's coming, plus have to bond with baby, and have the whole new experience of your two children meeting and bonding. Special moments for all of you, then recovering from birth, bleeding , leaking over sheets and clothes, breastfeeding and latching struggle if you're doing it etc. Theres so much to deal with, you're certainly well within your rights to say nobody is staying until you've had time. If anything I think your husband is being unreasonable and he's very lucky to have a wife like you! Xx

 

[Kholl]

For me, visitors were only allowed after baby if they were going to pretty much wait on me hand and foot. I mean... that sounds kind of awful, but it's true. I invited my parents and my in-laws because I knew they'd do everything I asked them to do. Take older kid(s), buy and prepare food, clean the house, take the baby while I showered, do my laundry, you name it. That's the purpose of visitors after baby. I wouldn't dream of having someone over who was, essentially, just a curmudgeonly OLD baby, as this woman seems to be. If she is not independent, then perhaps she could visit if she's at least pleasant. But it sounds like she's not that, either.

So short answer? No. Nope. Don't do it.

 

[Blank_Page]

She sounds like a burden even if you didn't have a newborn and existing toddler! I made the mistake of allowing my sister's family and our parents to visit (not even stay) when my son (our 1st) was born. As much as they were 'helpful' I felt like they were separating me from my baby who I'd only just got into my own arms, I had 3 tears and stitches meant I could barely stand for 4 weeks post birth, my sister infected us all with the FLU when he was less than a week old and mentally I found it very stressful because we were also in and out of hospital due to his weight/tongue tie issues, so I wished we'd allowed more time at home just for the 3 of us. It's quite honestly selfish of anyone to invite themselves to stay in this situation, ESPECIALLY if they know they're very dependent as well

 

[tinselcat]

Sounds to me like you're still focusing on other peoples' needs (your MIL's, and your husband's) rather than your own.

Also, it/when she comes to stay, then I think you need to set some ground rules, and have a plan agreed with you & your OH about what happens if these are breached (i.e. can you get him to transport her home). Maybe those rules are also between yourselves i.e. he has to be the one to take care of all his mother's needs, not you (or if he doesn't, then he needs to look after the children in the mean time).

I think you need your husband's support in dealing with her, as he should be the one having any awkward conversations. Hopefully he already agrees with you that she's a pain to have around. If that's the case, I'd hope you'd be able to get somewhere with him.

 

[tinselcat]

I'd definitely push back on the trip for your daughter's 2nd birthday. What if your OH is off on the other side of the country when you go into labour - who will look after your daughter if you need to go into hospital etc etc. Also you may be pretty dependent on other people for help at that point, who will look after you or see to your daughter's needs if you're too exhausted/sick?

It may be a well-intentioned request but it's not a reasonable one. My thoughts - definitely say no!! xx

 

[KHTW]

You sound reasonable to me. Once the baby is born you will want to focus on your little family, you will have a newborn to look after, a DD getting used to being a sister, your body going through a lot and OH also will be adjusting... let's not mention the lack of sleep! Putting up with visitors would be the last thing you'd want to deal with, IMO!

But I would say by the time Xmas comes, you all should be into some kind of a routine and the baby will be a month old so having her over Xmas, when you hubby is at home sounds alright x