Partner confusion

[MidlandsArtist]

hi everyone,

my fiancé of 9 years sent me a text on Friday saying he was close to wanting to try for a baby. he was at the pub with his friends and was tipsy when he sent it but when he's tipsy, he is at his most confident (he's usually shy and doesn't really like talking about his feelings). He's not really mentioned it since, except from when I said I'd have to check with a dr before we start trying to make sure my medication is safe, and I'm unsure of how to start the subject because I don't want to come across as nagging.
I've wanted a baby for years and was really excited when he said he was close to wanting one (about 85% he said) so I'm gutted he hasn't spoken about it since.

Any suggestions?

ps: we are both 31 this month.

 

[Surveyor]

TALK. Thank is my advice. Ask him what he meant by 85% and what more needs to happen before he is 100% ready. Try to keep communication as clear as possible, it might be that he doesn't want to make a choice. My DH didn't really want to "commit" to trying, it was almost as if he would have been fine with an "unplanned" pregnancy but not actually sitting down and talking about getting pregnant. After opening up and communicating more clearly we were able to come up with a plan that works for the both of us. Hope this helps!

-Sev

 

[MidlandsArtist]

TALK. Thank is my advice. Ask him what he meant by 85% and what more needs to happen before he is 100% ready. Try to keep communication as clear as possible, it might be that he doesn't want to make a choice. My DH didn't really want to "commit" to trying, it was almost as if he would have been fine with an "unplanned" pregnancy but not actually sitting down and talking about getting pregnant. After opening up and communicating more clearly we were able to come up with a plan that works for the both of us. Hope this helps!

-Sev

Thank you for replying I think I'm going to have to. I feel in limbo and don't like it.

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[Melly41]

Yes i completely agree you both need to sit down and talk. Make sure you are both on board with a plan. Posting on here helps to get you through the difficult weeks. There is bags of support from these lovely ladies x

 

[MidlandsArtist]

Yes i completely agree you both need to sit down and talk. Make sure you are both on board with a plan. Posting on here helps to get you through the difficult weeks. There is bags of support from these lovely ladies x

Thank you Melly. Going to do it at the weekend. I've got to book an appointment with the Dr's to find out if my current medication would be safe. I might ask him to come along. It may open up the communication channels.
It frustrates me that he's like this but nobody in his family talks about anything. They're the complete opposite to my family as we talk about anything and everything.

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[SugaryIris]

My DH is a closed book, he always said point blank he wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be for a few years... it was the same response every year! He used to get frustrated with me if I mentioned it casually and used to say I was putting pressure on him. Then one night we were lying in bed and I said ‘I’d like to try for a baby?’, he said really? Then when I nodded we dtd and that was it we were trying. I think what I learnt is that if you want something and you approach it in the right way then you will get the real answer. I’m really hoping your talks go well it is horrible being stuck in limbo!

 

[Donna88]

Good luck, I hope you get the answers you are looking for from him.

Sometimes it's all down to the right time. I have been here so many times in the waiting to try section because me and my husband have been backwards and forwarding on the matter. However, we're back here now and this time it feels different and I think it's because we're on the same page and it's something we both want and not something one of us is doing because we think the other one wants it.

 

[MidlandsArtist]

Thank you ladies. I had a chat with him and asked if the messages he sent were to be considered or ignored. He said definitely don't ignore them but be mindful that the feeling comes and goes. So..... I guess I'm just stuck in the waiting for him to be ready place. Which is fine because I don't want him to agree before he's ready but it's hard when I'm ready and rearing to go.

 

[Donna88]

I'm glad he said not to completely ignore them, hopefully he won't keep you waiting too much longer. You are right to not want to push him as you want this to be something he really feels ready for too, although I can also completely understand your frustration. At least you're getting somewhere with him

 

[DubChick]

Hi.

I just wanted to say I'm in a very similar position to you, though some parts are different. My husband swings between texting me when tipsy or telling me during programmes like One Born that he really wants us to have a baby together, to then using every excuse under the sun not to have one.

I have 3 wonderful children from a previous marriage, he has one from a casual ex. My children are with us most of the time, his daughter comes for 3 nights every fortnight.

Hubby hates that we don't share blood, really wants that amazing bond between us etc but because his experience of being a dad has been such a negative one right from the (unwanted) beginning, the negative feelings and ridiculously wrong expectations are completely taking over what would be a wonderful reality 😢

I have a final deadline of ttc for December this year, as I will be 41 in September and don't want to give birth when I'm 42. If I'm honest I really don't think we'll end up having a child together, and that saddens me no end, but only hubby can change his feelings and if he wanted a baby with me badly enough then he'd do something about changing his warped thoughts and we could move forward. I don't want to push anything on him, I want him to make the decision himself because it's what he definitely wants, not because I've forced it on him 😔

I really hope you can talk together and can come to the decision that makes you both happy. It's such a big decision, but with such a wonderful, amazing outcome.

Xx

 

[maybenum3]

I can kind of relate to this although im not 100% sure myself about another one. All he has really said on the matter is "when we are more financially stable" which to me could mean anytime I don't know. My partner is like yours though, never talks about anything is quite a reserved person, doesn't talk about his feelings or anything, so its hard to know how he really feels on the subject.
Its really tough, but the same if I pushed it on him anyway or approached it in the wrong way, he would straight up disregard it.

Hope you manage to get definite answers xx

 

[IVW]

Thank you ladies. I had a chat with him and asked if the messages he sent were to be considered or ignored. He said definitely don't ignore them but be mindful that the feeling comes and goes. So..... I guess I'm just stuck in the waiting for him to be ready place. Which is fine because I don't want him to agree before he's ready but it's hard when I'm ready and rearing to go.

My friend was in a very similar situation. She always wanted kids whereas her husband, who was 10 years older than her wasnt really that keen, but would be keen when he got a bit merry on a few beers and would also then get my friends hopes up to soon dash them again when she bought the subject up.

I can only ditto the past few comments of talking to him and seeing what he wants now and what he wants for the future, as you arent getting any younger and baby making can sometimes be a long process.

p.s my friend has now divorced her husband, so thankfully she didn't get pregnant