My o/h is ..... concerned

[Princess81]

Hi girls, I haven't spoken with many of you yet, cause I'm new - so hello for a start wishing you all great success in your attempts for a wee one

I have a question/concern about my o/h, wondering if any of you had something similar (though maybe not, we're a bit strange - read on and you'll see lol)

I should mention that my o/h is in the marines and has been for 12 yrs (since 17), he is always going off doing his thing, which he loves (ie he's for Afghanistan at the beginning of march ). When we met (which is such a long, shocking story I can't be bothered to tell it) I decided to move from my native Guernsey, to where he's from (house prices etc lots cheaper) so with him being based in the mainland I'm kind of stuck here - all a bit random. To cut a long story short I think he reckons he's still a child! Off playing last action hero

I agreed with him yesterday that I would not start back on my pill today, which he was fine with (docs keep mentioning that it's not the best long term bc and that they don't really want me on it anymore). They don't want me on the coil as never had a child and I can't have the injection cause of problems that I had with my joints when I was younger and I dont want an implant - it's too long term. condoms won't bode well with him, I know.

So today on the phone I told him that i'd not taken my pill, and got a "right.........." lol, i better stay away from you when I'm home then, he's clearly sh!tting it about getting caught.

He's never been the paternal type, always just wanting to go to war and strange things like that, but I've said to him he's 30 this year and I'm 30 next year, we're together over 7 years and if we're gonna bother it should be soon, am I just I wonder?

He know's I've come round to the idea of wanting kids (only the past 6 months), I think he'll come round - he doesn't protest to the idea, he says he's not bothered and that if I had a child he'd come to terms with it being round but he's indifferent about having one.

I don't want to force the issue with him but he does know how I feel and as I said just sort of skirts the issue, saying "I'm not really bothered if we have them or not"

I don't just want to land up preggers and him freak out about it. I said to him I want to be preggers (and well on the way) by this time next year, he just says "oh right"!!! what does that mean?

Tbh I haven't got the ideal job either for parenting, I'm an armed cop (hope that doesn't make me too unpopular lol).

Both our mum's are desperate to be grannies, they say just go for it and he'll come round to the idea. Is that not just being selfish on my part?

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to try for a child for a few months, as I said he's off to afghan in 6 wks time and there is no way I want to go through a pregnancy all alone stuck over here whilst he's in that hell hole getting fired upon. I know what he is concerned about is me getting pregnant and then the worst happening to him whilst he's away - ( I can't even think about that) and then some poor baby ending up fatherless. It's a very pesimistic way of thinking but I suppose I see his point.

Thanks and sorry for blabbering on, not the sort of thing I can really talk to the fellas at work about.

Rant over

Thanks girls,
Jx

 

[scaredmum2be]

aww hun i dont think your being selfish but then by 30 i would of wanted one by now.
Although i think ur other half will come round in his own time to get his head around it. even if your not on any contraception explain to him it still may take few years to get pregnant or ask him straight if he wants kids with you now because you'd rather know now rather than leave it until its to late.
wish you all the best i hope he gets used to the idea of wanting a baby with you
if he doesnt want any kids at all then it might make you want them more so you need to think to.
i'd say let him get used to the idea when you see babies mention how you cant wait until you have your own or something. Sorry if im no help lol x

 

[Princess81]

Thanks x I have been doing some "mentioning" which has been quite easy lately as ALL my friends from home have babies now, I'm the only one left childless! Also o/h's cousin had a wee girl back in November and I went to see her for a cuddle last week whith the MIL. Baby is sooo cute and so small - so I was gushing about this to him and he was more responsive than I thought he would be. His friends from work are starting to become dads too and he will openly discuss their wives pregnancies with me - so I suppose he's not totally opposed to the subject x

 

[scaredmum2be]

so he knows now that with your hinting hopefully he will want the same but if hes done nothing or said nothing then im not sue if he would change your mind aslong as you keep hinting lol im sure he will change his mind in time hun keep positive an really hope things work out for you xx

 

[Lovisa]

Sounds like he is gradually coming round to the idea hun.
*fingers crossed* for you and hopefully you will have a LO very soon/when you feel you are both ready.

 

[Tonks]

I'll try and offer a different viewpoint. Being in the TA means I'm on the other side of the fence a bit

He joined the Marines when he was still very young, and emotionally immature. Throughout his whole career he has been told what to do, when to do it and been looked after. He will rarely have to think for himself in his professional life, and there will always be someone above him keeping tabs on him and telling him what to do.

Couple that with the fact that he is 'one of the lads' and is immersed in this mindset most of the time, especially when away with the boys, means that he will quite often forget that life exists outside his little military bubble, and that you have different opinions and needs to him.

My advice is to sit him down and tell him you are both going to start TTC when he comes back from Afghan. Don't drop hints, they won't work. Sit him down and tell him. If he makes excuses, listen to them and answer them. He will always be afraid of the unknown, and having to grow up and look after his own child, and being responsible when the boys are off lording it up will be hard for him to grasp.

 

[Princess81]

Thanks Tonks,

Interesting to see it from another perspective.

He isn't dead against the idea, I did have a discussion with him about it again on the phone last night, in the least freak outish way possible for him lol.

I said "I want this that and the other" he said "you keep saying what you want, what about what I want"? So I asked him what he wanted - he says "i duno" lol great this is what I'm dealing with

He thinks he's too young, he's 30 in Sept - too young my arse.

Nothing will happen til he's back home anyway obviously so hopefully 6 months in a war zone will help him get things in to perspective.

xx

 

[Tonks]

He will be feeling too young due to the culture he's been in with work.

I would sit him down next time you are with him, and tell him he needs to tell you what he wants and why he isn't able to commit to TTC. 'I dunno' is him trying to cop out and get the subject changed so you'll drop it. If he keeps saying 'I dunno' then he is not having to commit to giving a proper answer and discuss things.

You need to ask him why he feels he is too young. Age wise, he isn't but he is feeling too young for a reason and you need to find out why.

I'm afraid 6 months away probably won't change his mindset. If anything it will make it worse. He will be totally removed from normal life, and he will be with the boys 24/7 back in his military bubble. I don't expect he would come home and suddenly think he needs to TTC.

 

[Princess81]

mmh I know that really. Last time he came home he was a nutter for about a year so guess he'll not need the added pressure of me wanting a kid.

Cant wait forever though can I?

He's home in a fortnight so I'll try to get him to keep of the xbox long enough to have a sensible discussion.

 

[ema-lou24]

hope u get the answers you want hun..

also, hope u dont mind me asking since your an armed cop (no we dont hate you for this) but can i ask you for help and advice when it comes to the law when i may need it? lol, that sounds like im always in bother witht the law, but im not i just always get picked on x

 

[titch]

My OH freaked out when I became pregnant. We caught very quickly and I dont think he was expecting it! He also said he was too young (29 this year!) and generally freaked out. We had massive rows over it in the early week and my rants can be found on here! He thought he was making peace when he told me he "accepted the situation". lol

Honestly since the scan he has been totally different, really excited, wanting to talkabout parenting emailing me interesting websites about childbirth and baby einstein and stuff. He even leads the way to baby clothes section in Tesco to have a look and picks out the smallest things he can find and gets all mushy over how cute they are.

Men are a bit useless at these things and I think if we waited for them to be ready they just never would. I think most men would love to be 19 for the rest of their lives! You need to honestly talk about things. My dad was in the RAF and its a different life style to other families but it works and I dont feel like I had a rough childhood or anything. But talking to my mum now I think it was rough on her. So you do need to discuss things I guess but dont expect him to be as excited as you are about it! As long as youre satisfied that he is preapred to look after you and be a family he will become so excited before the baby arrives that you'll forget he ever had doubts!

Good luck!

 

[Princess81]

Thanks tiny xx

Looks like I'll frigging end up having to make a 'mistake' like our mums keep pushing for and just face the consequences. Dishonest but necessary.

 

[titch]

Sometimes men need to be pushed into doing things they think they dont want. The number of times my OH thanked me for making him do osmething!! He hasnt actually thanked me for getting pregnant so quick. although I think now the shock is over he's quite proud of his fertility!!

 

[Mamafy]

Can't you use the low cut top again?

Maybe he feels Diane is the 3rd person in the relationship

Sorry sorry, I couldn't resist, I know I should though

I hope there's a baby princess soon

 

[ema-lou24]

seduce him !

theres 12 yrs between me and my bro.....my dad didnt want nemore babies so my mum raped him, if u get that low top on and do what u gotta do, handcuff him and then boom!!

baby princess hehe xx

 

[titch]

this thread is so funny!!! Hope you managed to talk things through with him xx

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

I still dont know what Diane is, I have been looking thro the threads but missed it somewhere!

 

[Princess81]

Diane is my diaphragm's name , I name everything lol - obviously has to begin with the letter of the item. ie: my gun is called gloria etc
I think if I said to o/h I'd like to intro you to diane his hopes would be dashed when he saw a round disk and not some horny bint lol

 

[titch]

didnt know you'd named her!

 

[Princess81]

lol I'm a freak like that. My sycamore tree is called sid and beech tree is bob. Batton is betty and cs spray is cici