Oh God! Am I a bad mum? So fed up

[Daffodil]

Hi

I posted about my breastfeeding problems before...

Its ***really*** upsetting me now and I'm finding it difficult to deal with emotionally.

On the advice of the midwife we supplemented Meadow with formula because she was jaundiced and my milk never came in. I am expressing but am only getting about 30ml each time. Its really difficult to build up a supply and express really regularly - maybe if I did express every 2 hours I would build up a supply - am I just a rubbish person here? I mean how does everyone else manage?

So let me tell you what happens at feeding time.

I put Meadow to the breast and she is hungry and she enthusiastically sucks ... but I have problems latching her. If I'm extremely lucky to get a latch, one of two things happens. She sucks about 3 times and pulls away. Or she sucks more - like 10 or 15 times and then pulls away screaming in frustration as though she isn't getting any milk.

This just crushes me emotionally. I feel so inadequate that I can't feed my baby. I HATE her sucking at my breast and then pulling away because she isn't getting enough.

I honestly think that she is used to the bottle and the reason she pulls away is that she is used to the bottle giving her milk really fast.....and my breast gives her milk much much more slowly (when I express it drips rather than flows).

This is really starting to get me down big time.

ALSO....I just saw a thread here about babies at 2 weeks sleeping more at night like 4 or 5 hours at night. Meadow doesn't - she wakes every 2 hours all night long. I'm SO JEALOUS of the people whose baby sleeps a few hours at night. I'm so tired.

At night I feel I can't offer her the breast because she screams and I just can't cope with it in the middle of the night (neither can my OH).

I feel so despondent. The BF counsellor (NCT) is useful but she can only help me try and get a latch. But when Meadow does latch we have the whole pulling away frustrated thing....

I really want to breastfeed and I feel like a failure. I am giving her tiny amounts of expressed milk via a bottle at the moment and the rest is formula.

QUESTION: People on here who have been successful talk about persevering at the breast even if the baby cries. Like letting her cry and keep offering her the breast and don't resort to formula. I don't know if I can do that....but I'd like comments on what you think. Is this the only option? Just offering her the breast as a kind of "this is all there is" option and then she'll have to feed off me because thats the only way she'll get the food?

I keep crying a lot and if I try the breast and it doesn't work then I cry again.

Dawn

 

[flowergirl]

Oh Honey you poor thing You are not a bad mum and have already done far more than many of us would have done (including myself) to try to get your LO breast feeding. I think you need to be worrying about your health now as your LO is feedin OK on the formula. You will not be relaxed enough and happy enough to produce milk if the whole process is causing you to be so unhappy. You should be enjoying your LO

Take the pressure off and think that you will formula feed but you will give her the little bit of expressed breast milk each day. You could also express and latch her on once you have got your let down then you know that as soon as she starts sucking she will be getting milk

 

[floppit]

It sounds like you're trying really hard - I just wanted to say well done because you so don't sound like a bad mum. I really can't help much though, apart from lack of sleep I didn't face too many of the things you're going through.

Good luck with it.

 

[kalia]

We had lots of help that meant that DD was able to breastfeed by 5 weeks but I didn't like it so we have persevered with exclusive expressed milk. There is no way I would be able to express enough if OH wasn't home all day (he works from home).

Here are some things you could try:
Expressing a little to get the milk moving then feeding her.
Offering her the breast before she's really hungry so she's less upset.
Feeding her a bottle but halfway through offering the breast.
Nipple shields to help her stay latched on.
If using nipple shields, taking it off halfway through the feed.
Squeezing your breast a bit to make it an easier shape for her to put in her mouth.

It was at 5 weeks she finally latched properly because I learned then that you shouldn't see the bottom lip! Everything said her bottom lip should be back but in a proper latch you can't see it at all as their little faces are squashed up to you.! If it doesn't hurt after the first 20 seconds then she's latched on properly.

Remember that your baby will be far better at getting out milk than a breast pump so don't compare what you get with pumping to what she is getting breast feeding. I think 30ml each
time is good - the midwife expected me to get about 20ml when I started expressing. The fact I got 60ml each time was obviously very surprising to her!
I remember being very upset one day because rather than waking me, OH had given formula for one of the feeds. I said this to the midwife and she was very matter of fact that it was far better that I got more rest than my baby had an extra meal of breast milk. Formula is not poison. It isn't as easy as breast milk when you are out and about and you have to do a lot of sterilising but it poses no risk to your baby. The most important thing is that you are happy. You will have to decide for yourself whether you are more unhappy trying to breastfeed or whether you'd be more unhappy if you stopped trying to breastfeed. Lastly, remember that if you are tired it will make it harder to position baby so make sure you are getting rest

 

[Sherlock]

Hiya hun

My first thing would be to go back and check what bottle teats you are using. As I said before to you, if they are the quicker flowing ones you can swap them and get slow flowing ones that mean she has to work harder to get the milk from them. Also get nipple shaped ones, not round or flat. This will hopefully encourage a better latching and sucking motion on your boob. Flat or rounded teats make for a totally different sucking action from the baby. Nipple shaped ones are better if you want to persevere. And get slow flowing teats. She obviously is well used to not having to do much work for her feeds now so try to reverse this asap.

Secondly, I think you are going to have to toughen up and tough it out a little for a little while and give it a chance to work (or not). But you won't know if you don't try it for a few days. A day isn't long enough to see if things are improving with your supply. You need a few for things to kick in I think. Expressing is misleading as when babies suck they can get far more from your boobs than expressing can. The only way you are going to be able to really build your supply is to stick with the breast and keep encouraging your LO. Skin on skin in bed for the weekend. Ignore everything else. Eat oats and take fenugreek. Helps boost supply. Drink water. Keep offering her your boob and only give formula if you really feel you have to. Let her work at it.

I'd say first thing in the morning is when your supply is at its best. Go have a shower, massage your boobs well, think lots of thoughts of breastfeeding your daughter etc. Give your nipples a squeeze and see if you can get some milk flowing down. You may have to fiddle a bit as its not just a case of squeezing them, but getting a decent grip around and working the milk down and out. Then go back to bed and massage some more and encourage your LO to latch. Rub her cheek with your nipple. Squeeze a drop of milk out on it. And then hopefully she will latch. I tended to slowly massage my boob in the early weeks at the start of a feed if LO seemed to be going slow. Help the let down.

If she starts crying take her off and give it a minute or two before trying again. Massage your boobs some more. And then try over. If she latches well then your nipple should be pointing to the roof of her mouth. If you don't get it right take her off gently but quickly and keep trying till you do. I used to find giving my LO good support at the back of his head would help. And the rugby ball position was good for this as I could lift his head up well to my nipple. I could also hold him there if on well.

If you do want to keep going with expressing then I think you have to express more and do as a baby would do in these early weeks to try to increase your supply. I think leaving it longer than a couple of hours is doing nothing for your supply right now. If 2 hour expressing doesn't seem to yield much keep trying your LO on your boob after expressing a little. Maybe it will help your let down for her.

FWIW when I had to express in the early weeks I found one boob much better than the other. My left one would drip it out. But my LO on it got loads out.

Give it a try and if you really cannot get your milk supply going then it might be better for you both to move over to formula. But if you want to try then be prepared for a weekend of it and try it at night also. Get your OH on board and go get some sleep when your LO sleeps during the day also. So you can feel a bit better at the lack of sleep (though tbh its quite normal to be sleep deprived in early weeks. I managed on about 2 hours a night for a while). Being tired makes everything seem harder I know.

End of the day if you've given it your best shot and its not working then look at the options and go with what makes you happiest. You would have tried everything to BF and if it didn't happen then you don't need to beat yourself up if you go over to formula once and for all.

 

[Daffodil]

Thanks everyone.

Kalia

Here are some things you could try:
Expressing a little to get the milk moving then feeding her.
Offering her the breast before she's really hungry so she's less upset.
Feeding her a bottle but halfway through offering the breast.
Nipple shields to help her stay latched on.
If using nipple shields, taking it off halfway through the feed.
Squeezing your breast a bit to make it an easier shape for her to put in her mouth.

I will try your first and second suggestion for sure. Nipple shields I tried, and she appeared to suck great, but then no milk was coming through to her! Almost as though using the shield, there wasn't enough suction.

Squeezing my breast isn't working - I have slightly inverted nipples which is part of the problem I think.

Dawn
xxx

 

[Daffodil]

Sherlock,

Thanks.

I haven't got nipple shaped teats. They are slow flow teats (number 1) but they are round shape. I have avent bottles, I wonder if I can buy teats which will fit which are nipple shaped? I will check out the avent website.

From what I seem to hear from you and others, I'm going to have to make a concrete decision and I'm going to have to FORCE myself to express more regularly, no matter what. I'm sabotaging myself by not doing. I simply will have to express more and build up my supply if I want to do this.

Dawn
x

 

[Daffodil]

This is the teat I'm using. It says "natural shape" but looks rounded.

Choosing the right teat for your baby
Remember that age indications are approximate as babies develop at different rates. You will know when your baby is ready to move onto a faster flow rate because he or she will try to suck harder to get the milk more quickly. They may also show signs of tiredness or frustration during feeding.
AVENT Airflex teat packs are colour coded to help you find the correct flow rate.
Newborn Flow
Extra Soft Silicone Teat
Ideal for newborn and breastfed babies of all ages

Pic here http://www.consumer.philips.com/consume ... +SCF631-27

 

[Sherlock]

OK I used these on my bottles and dummies

They have a flat side which is how your nipple goes if in babies mouth and being sucked on. The tongue under it flattens it a bit.

http://shop.nukbaby.co.uk/products.aspx?pid=31

Good luck

 

[happy-chick]

Hi hun,

Firstly YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM!! So please dont think that, breastfeeding is very hard and it comes as a big shock to alot of people (including me) as you really dont expect it to be so hard. Your doing really well and you should be very proud of yourself!

The advice is not to supplement with formula but its not the end of the world if you do as long as you spend as much time with Meadow on the breast as you can then your supply should be ok. Have lots of skin to skin time, lie in bed/settee and just feed her as much as you can... if she cries then give her a break then try again. Babies find it alot easier to suck from a bottle therefore she is probably getting frustrated as shes not getting milk at the breast easily. Expressing is not a good indication of how much milk you have as babies are much better and getting milk from the breast than any pump so its very unlikely that you dont have enough milk although I know its hard not to worry.

I would advise you to keep going to the breastfeeding support group in your area as they will also answer any questions that you may have and provide support. I really benifited from our local group when I was struggling at the beginning.

As for sleeping, its perfectly normal for newborns to wake every couple of hours for a feed and while its really exhausting please remember that its nothing that you are doing wrong they are just getting used to life on the outside world, Things WILL get easier for you.

Breastfeeding is so hard in the first few weeks but it becomes alot easier as you both learn and get used to it. Your doing fantasticly well, good luck

 

[LisaJ1986]

I can't really add anything as it's pretty much been covered by everyone else. Just please don't feel bad. I'd sit in tears after 2 weeks of desperately trying. I'd just hand to OH and go and cry on the bathroom floor. But it did get better.
I didn't try expressing til 5 weeks but even now i struggle like mad to get a decent amount out.
With regards to sleep, i was up every 1-2 hours for the 1st 4 weeks. Sometimes for more than an hour as i couldn't for the life of me get her to settle. I looked like a zombie! At around 10 weeks she started getting into more of a pattern. We have only had around 4 weeks of all nighters!!! She will be 22 weeks tomorrow and the passed 2 nights i've been up 5-6 times! I get jealous of these people that get them to sleep through but she will, eventually.

 

[Laur_250]

Please dont beat yourself up, you are trying to give your daughter the best by perseveering even though you are having problems, that makes you a GOOD mum!

I think kalia's suggestion of pumping until you see the milk come through then putting her to breast is a good one.

I understand how you feel about the night problems, when I used to try Reggie back on the breast in the night he would scream and fight it which was horrible when I was so tired anyway and OH would tell me to 'just give him a bottle' which made me feel like even he didnt want me to carry on trying so I'd give up. It took 6 weeks for Reggie to get the hang of it but now he is obsessed with breastfeeding and I never thought I'd be saying that after bottle feeding him for almost 6 weeks.

And if you do need to top up with formula until you have more milk, who cares! Any amount of your milk is good for her however small so just do what you need to get by. Things can still get better just hang in there.

And Reggie is 7 weeks and no where near sleeping more than 3 hours without waking for a feed so dont worry its not strange that Meadow doesnt sleep well yet! xx

 

[KERRYGOLD00]

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[keli]

Can't really add anything as you've got some great advice from the others. Just thought i'd give you some . Please don't beat yourself up about this your doing fab job your trying and thats all you can do xx

 

[millylillyrose]

huni it sounds like you are trying so hard!!! i dont have any advice as my LO is around the same age, and i dont know a thing yet. But all i could say is to keep up the good work. there's only so much you can do....and i've read that stress will only decrease your milk supply.

 

[Tick-Tock]

You have so much good advice already but I just wanted to say that we really struggled with feeding (especially latching) until Evie was almost three weeks old and then it was like something just clicked.... remember both you and baby are learning how to breastfeed.... keep at it, it will get better...

J
XX