not sure what to do...

[purple13]

so here's the dilemma...

at the moment, OH and i live in a 1 bed flat that we love, in sw london.

we're going to have to move to somewhere bigger, which will mean moving out of london so that we can afford more rooms, but we've decided to wait until trog is born.

but here's the thing. OH will still be working and wants to live somewhere within easy commute of mainline Victoria station - obviously if i want to see him (he works really long hours) then i want his commute to be as quick as possible.

he really wants to move to kent - his whole family live there and his journey to work would be reasonably quick

but my family (and most of my friends) live in yorkshire, and kent just puts me even further away from them. i'm so scared of being isolated from them... don't get me wrong, i'm loving the thought of a year off work, but unlike so many other people, i won't have my mum there to help out (she died last year) and i hate being so far away from my dad as it is.

so all i keep thinking is that i'm going to be in the pockets of his family, and even further away from my own

OH doesn't seem to understand and i can't make him see how i feel without it sounding like i just don't want to be near his family.

i can see the advantages - babysitting service on the doorstep etc - but by the same token, his mum isn't my mum and won't ever be able to replace her. i miss my mum desperately and, through no fault of her own, being around his mum just makes it worse.

ideally i'd like to move north of london - somewhere easy to get onto the m1 but still not a million miles round the m25 to kent. i know i wouldn't have any family that close at all then, but i honestly feel like i'd prefer it that way. but then OH would have a longer commute and i'd hate that...

i've tried to veto the conversations about moving until after trog is born - everything will change then... maybe even my own feelings will change...

OH tried to bring the topic up last night but i couldn't stop crying. i just wish my mum was here.

 

[purple13]

thanks its all pretty cr*p to be honest.

half the reason i've put a veto on talking about it is because OH is so adamant about moving to kent and doesn't want to listen to any alternatives that i come up with.

 

[laura-82]

Your poor thing I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, can't imagine how difficult it must be for you at the moment

I can't really suggest anything as I don't know London at all. How often do you get to go back home & see your family? maybe you could plan a visit to see them soon as you obviously miss them loads.

Hope you get it sorted

 

[ella]

There is definately some advantages to being near some family - it means as you say you have babysitters which will allow you to spend some time alone with your DH, Is it a permanent move or for a few years - you could try one or the other and if it doesnt suit move again. Im so sorry about the loss of your mum - becomming a mum yourself makes it more painful I would imagine

 

[Lorrie]

So sorry for the loss of your mum. You must be missing her so much right now. I think your OH needs to be more understanding and patient with you right now. His idea might just work out but right now your finding it hard to see that. I dont think us pregnant women should make any major decisions in our hormonal states so maybe yourself & himself could wait for a while or until after baby arrives & see do you feel any differently. Go easy on yourself & dont be pressured or bullied intoanything. Hope it all falls into place for you both .
Lorrie xx

 

[beth3735]

Be really careful when u make your choice hun as i was in the same situation about my family. Im closer to my parents than he is to his, Mine live in somerset and his live in swansea. I said why not move to bristol or around there as we are half way between both.

Well obviously hubby had his own way and we now live in swansea. I hate this as his parents live only 10 mins away and have never had my kids for the whole years i have lived here. They have come round the house maybe 4 times in that 2 yrs and we have gone up there more than they have. If i was living near mum and dad i know i would have loads of help, I would def have a baby sitter now and again and i know my parents would appreiciate it more than his do.

So now with hubby getting his own way i now live in a place i dont want to be, And with no helpful family at all, I know your hubby has work so like you say cant move too far from london, but he should see your point of view and come to some agreement.

I hope you get it sorted soon hun, sorry to hear about your mum

 

[Pregnopaws]

Oh i do feel for you. I know exactly how awful that situation is having gone through it myself, but my advice is to never make any decision when the subject is steaming hot! At the end of the day compromises will have to be made somewhere, but if i was you I would stick the topic in a drawer and forget about it until the baby is born, because even then things will change again, and different wants/needs arise! Best of luck whatever you do hun xxx

 

[purple13]

thanks everyone

i'm just gonna cling to my veto on the conversation til next year i think. i know trog will change everything for both of us then - and i guess the first 6 months will be a good trial period as to how often we're gonna see our friends & family on both sides anyway!!

 

[Squiglet]

thanks everyone

i'm just gonna cling to my veto on the conversation til next year i think. i know trog will change everything for both of us then - and i guess the first 6 months will be a good trial period as to how often we're gonna see our friends & family on both sides anyway!!

Ah Hun that sounds just awful... Becoming a mum yourself must be a very painful reminder...and it is hard doing it alone without your mum to help and no matter how nice you OH's mum is, she'll never be your mum.... You've got a while before it becomes necessary to move out of London, babies don't take up too much space and really don't require a room for a while...So you can easily veto the whole thing till when you are less vulnerable and emotional.

I think you will both have to meet half way on this matter...another thing to look at to help determine which would be a better place for you to live, is the school catchment area... I know its very soon, but honestly you want to get your kid to a good school...and using that excuse as a choice of where you live will be much easier to handle as you are then moving somewhere for the sake of your child, not for family reasons...

 

[Babylicious]

My mum passed away 11 years ago and I still miss her.

 

[rachie29]

so sorry about your mum...

we live in manchester and all OH's family are here, mine are in Leeds which isnt far, but I still wish we were nearer my family. I have no issues with my in laws, they are lovely people and will definitely help out but they are not my parents... I sometimes think our other halves dont quite grasp how important our mums in particular become when pg...

He got offended when I said i wanted my mum to stay for a few days when baby is born and asked what about his folks... I pointed out that his folks live 5 mins away and as much as i have a good relationship with them I have no desire to get my boobs out and start feeding in front of them or ask for help with it!!!! That kinda shut him up for a bit!

Tell him how important it is to you and all you are looking for is a compromise. It's not like you are asking him to pack up and move northe At the end of the day its the three of you that will be the family unit and it has to work for all of you..

good luck

 

[clarey]

This must be so hard for you...

I would definately hold off any move until babe has been here for a while and you can both make rational judgement about this. It is so hard living so far away from your family - I'm the other way up - my family is in Kent and I am near Chester and OHs family are right here and he sees them everyday at work!!! And even though its only a matter of a few hours journey its still not the same as having the people you trust most close by.

The other thing is, I'm sure your OHs mum knows she will never come close to your own, but maybe this will be a bonding thing for you as I'm sure she must understand how much you wish your mum was with you.
Good luck hun, be kind to yourself, losing a parent is so hard especially with all these hormones to deal with,

 

[purple13]

thanks everyone - i feel a lot more measured about it now i know that i'm not being completely unreasonable i actually started looking at houses in epsom today - its not that much further out of london from where we are now, and we can afford a 3 bed place there for what we can sell our 1 bed place for! and its on the victoria line

fingers crossed i might have found a compromise!!

 

[clarey]

sounds promising!
I hope you find a solution you are both happy with, and you are definately NOT being unreasonable, dont worry you will sort it out in the end.

 

[xx.kelly]

I know exactly how you feel – my OH had some serious family issues when we lived in Scotland so we decided to go and make a fresh start for ourselves in London – but now that I am pregnant I am desperate to go back to Scotland to be near my Mum and Sister. I just don’t want them to miss out on our babies life but OH is having none of it – he won’t return to Scotland so we need to live in London. I have no real friends done here and my OH will be at work everyday so all I can think about it is me and the baby being alone in the house all day and how stressful it is going to be.

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum and I hope that you can get this sorted

 

[krystal&jack]

Am so sorry to hear about your mam

I can totally understand your feelings as I lost my mam last year to cancer and it is hard without her here, i can also understand it being hard being around his mam as well cos i feel same about my oh mam.

Am sure your oh would totally understand it if you told him your reasons for not wanting to move, why don't you show him your post or write him a letter explaining the loss of your mam makes you want to stay as close as possible to the rest of your family.

Or maybe take a while longer to consider moving nearer his parents, i mean is it that much longer to get to your dads or for him to visit you. As much as it's hard sometimes seeing my OH mam cooing over Jack and thinking it should be my mam i also realise importance of having lots of family support around with a new baby.

Sorry your having a hard time with this decision hun. i really feel for you

 

[purple13]

we're in the same boat then kelly - although scotland's even further away than yorkshire... it sounds like your OH is a bit like mine; i don't think he realises quite how much our lives are going to change - but even then, his routine is gonna keep things a lot more normal for him. he'll still leave for work at 8am and come home at 7pm... who knows, maybe with a kid around, he'll rethink his career to something more family-orientated...

sorry about your mum krystalmair it sounds like you feel pretty similar to me about the whole m-i-l thing - that makes me feel better my mum died from breast cancer last march - 6 weeks before my wedding. it doesn't seem to get any easier... i just seem to get more adept at pretending i'm ok. i haven't broached the living-in-epsom idea with OH yet, but i'm getting quite keen on the thought. i really don't want to live in kent - it'd be another hour on the journey to my dad's - and would mean that i was only accessible to the outside world via the m25...!!! that's gotta be enough to put anyone off surely!

 

[krystal&jack]

sorry about your mum krystalmair it sounds like you feel pretty similar to me about the whole m-i-l thing - that makes me feel better my mum died from breast cancer last march - 6 weeks before my wedding. it doesn't seem to get any easier... i just seem to get more adept at pretending i'm ok. i haven't broached the living-in-epsom idea with OH yet, but i'm getting quite keen on the thought. i really don't want to live in kent - it'd be another hour on the journey to my dad's - and would mean that i was only accessible to the outside world via the m25...!!! that's gotta be enough to put anyone off surely!

was same time my mam died, don't think it does get easier, life is crap sometimes. i think the epsom idea sounds fair to both of you. hope your oh understands. your being totally reasonable so don't let your oh do the typical man thing of turning it around lol