not coping after losing my son

[catswiskers]

he was born at 26weeks by emergency c section as my placenta ruptured causing me to bleed heavily. It starved joey of oxygen and caused him to have a massive bleed on the brain. He passed away at 6 days old.
his funeral was last Tues. Its the worse feeling in the world and I 100% blame myself! I smoked during pregnancy and with 3 other kids to look after I didn't give myself 5 mins to sit down and rest.
why did I carry on smoking!!!!!! I'm a fool!!
some days I feel like I'm coping and other days I feel numb with grief. All I've got left of my baby are his ashes which are in the living room by the tv so he can be with us all the time.
I get fed up people staring at me as if to say a few weeks ago she had a big bump and now she hasn't but she doesn't seem to have a baby either. I feeling like saying stop looking at me if you must know my son died. Sorry for the rant but I haven't yet spoke to anyone in my situation x

 

[caseysmummy11]

Hi hun. I understand what your feeling although my story is different to yours I was pregnant with twins and one of them was stillborn at 33 weeks. It's been 9 weeks for me today. The pains still raw and I go through different emotions constantly, it's like being on a rollercoaster. Have you joined the sands forum? It's really welcoming there hun and also lots of different areas for the different emotions you go through and other people on similar circumstances too. Ive also recently started councilling. I recommend it as it's a way of venting your feelings hun. I still feel very traumatised by everything that happened and I found speaking to someone who didnt know me so helpful. Please don't blame yourself for what happened hun, it wasnt your fault. As much as you won't believe it yet, it wasn't your fault. I'm sending you big hugs hun. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me xxx

 

[catswiskers]

I totally understand about the different emotions, I'm always so up and down.
no I haven't joined the sands forum I guess I can google it. Joeys life support was turned off at 5 days and he was expected to die within 2 hours but he survived the night for 12 hours. I feel so guilty about turning off the life support because something in me kept saying no they were wrong. The consultant first suggested taking his life support away at 2 days old but I kept saying no until it got to the point where it felt like they were putting pressure on me x

 

[mylullaby]

I'm so sorry to read this. I have no experience but just wanted to say that I suspect 99.9% of parents are reluctant to switch off their baby's life support. In the end I guess they have to listen to the professionals and kind of follow their lead? Similarly, I bet there are many, many mums who blame themselves, whether or not they are smokers. In your case you have something "big" like that to cling on to. But many mums do smoke and continue their pregnancies to term, so chances are this would've happened whether or not you were a smoker. Not that it will help with the pain right now of course, but please don't blame yourself - it won't bring your baby back and it won't help you to cope with your loss. Have you been offered counselling?

Lean on your friends and family my lovely. Be kind to yourself. Accept any help offered. If someone asks "is there anything I can do?" don't be afraid to say "well yes actually, I could do with XYZ picking up from the shops / haven't got the energy to cook - any chance you could bring over a casserole?" I have done practical stuff like this for friends in the past and they've really appreciated it, but not everyone thinks to do it without being asked. I bet plenty of people would like to feel as though they're helping somehow though - even if it's just practical bits and bobs while you take time to grieve.

Not sure what else to say really. Can't find the right words to say how sorry I am to read your story. xxx

 

[caseysmummy11]

I can understand why you feel that way hun. I felt very guilty at the beginning that I hadn't noticed she had passed (they estimated she had died 12-24 hours before birth). I also felt guilty for not going when the contractions first started too. Your head will constantly question different things but you just have to keep reminding yourself you did everything you could and you trust the professionals advice hun and you did it because you didn't want him to suffer hun. I'm so sorry for your loss, as time goes by it will slowly become a little bit more bearable to live with I promise and he will always be with you xxx