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Nighttime/going to bed separation anxiety

Louise2013

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This has been going on a while but I am now utterly stumped. My LO is very independent, not clingy at all but very happy, smiley and cheerful during the day. However, come naptimes, but most especially bedtime, as we have another baby on the way I am trying to get him to self-settle, to a point where I can put him down awake, and he falls off to sleep by himself. He is eleven months, yes, old I know, but we have been trying to do this for a long long time now (months and month and months). As soon as he is in the cot, he is generally fine, but as soon as I am out of sight he freaks out. I mean, goes completely beserk. The best scenario I have gotten to, without him totally freaking out, is putting him in his cot and then sitting next to it where he can see I am within touching distance. As soon as I move out of reach he goes absolutely beserk. I never wanted to try controlled crying etc but gave it a go, going in every few minutes and trying to extend the time I was away, but after an eternity my heart was just breaking, as was his, and I couldn't continue. What I am finding the hardest is his crying is a distressed cry, not a whine, or a moan, but a gasping, desperate cry; choking down air etc; not the kind of cry a Mummy can 'ignore' but literally, as soon as I am back in the room, he stops and the last few nights he has actually taken to lying down as soon as I come in - knowing I will pat his back - and once I do so, he chuckles!!!!!!! So, with that happening, I know he is okay in the whole scheme of things, but it feels like he knows how to play me if that makes sense :) (I mean that in the nicest way, not like he is sitting there plotting or anything daft)!

For an easy life, I could put him in the cot, and just put my hand on his back until he falls asleep, but longer term I am making an even bigger rod, I know. But, this feels more like sleep separation anxiety to me and I have no idea how to solve it. His room is very calming and a nice, happy place; he has a night light and a lullaby mobile which he knows how to turn on and off when he wants but the nights just seem to be getting harder for all of us and it makes me feel like a cr*p Mum that I can have such a happy contended little boy in the daytime, but it all goes to pot around sleep. Bizarrely, if he wakes in the night, more often than not he can settle himself back down, but about 1 in 4 times he does need me to go in. Most nights he is sleeping through about 8.30 - 7 but every few nights or so, maybe once a week, he has a night where he may wake etc, but on the whole, once he is asleep, he is out for the night.

Has anyone tackled sleep separation anxiety and if so, how did you resolve it?

Thanks xxxx
 
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You say that your LO is old, but being perfectly honest I still stayed with my LO until he nodded off until he was gone one.

I know everyone talks about making sure your LO knows how to self settle as early as possible etc, but I honestly believe it's one of those things different children are ready for it at different times. My LO has on the whole been a fantastic sleeper, sleeping through since 3 months and I've always been happy to go with his flow because of that. He was a crap napper in the early days and I wasted a lot of time reading booka telling me I was doing everything wrong which was nonsense cos I knew how well he slept at night.

Personally I would give him time still. If he nods offers quickly with you in there with him, go with it for now. He'll learn to nod off when he's ready on his own.
 
You say that your LO is old, but being perfectly honest I still stayed with my LO until he nodded off until he was gone one.

I know everyone talks about making sure your LO knows how to self settle as early as possible etc, but I honestly believe it's one of those things different children are ready for it at different times. My LO has on the whole been a fantastic sleeper, sleeping through since 3 months and I've always been happy to go with his flow because of that. He was a crap napper in the early days and I wasted a lot of time reading booka telling me I was doing everything wrong which was nonsense cos I knew how well he slept at night.

Personally I would give him time still. If he nods offers quickly with you in there with him, go with it for now. He'll learn to nod off when he's ready on his own.

Thanks littlemonkey :)

I think it's affecting me more because I have everyone and his wife telling me I/he should be able to do this by now. My MIL was visiting the other day and when I took him up for a nap and said I might be a little while I got the 'eye-rolls' and a 'STILL??!' My SIL is always telling me about how she never 'let' this happen with her gazillion children and my Mum is always telling me to 'just leave him be' and 'that's what we had to do with you', when he is crying but I literally just can't. I mean, to my mind, and this is entirely just my view on my little boy (and not a view on CC or CIO or anything like that as I think they have worked fantastically for others) I wouldn't let him cry like that in any other circumstance, so why would I do it when it's dark and he's alone? I am also inundated with 'tips' and 'advice' on how to 'fix' it, so I am being made to feel like this is a huge parenting fail...... my hubby isn't bothered in the slightest by what anyone else thinks (he has the right idea of course!) and thinks we should be being led by him, and if he needs a cuddle, to give it, and I'm inclined to agree, but people seem happy to remind me I'm 'making a big mistake' in letting it continue and I guess when you hear it often enough, you believe it.....
 
I still settle my LG to sleep in the evening and sometimes in the night. I've read a lot of stuff too as my baby has been a terrible sleeper but I've come to the conclusion she'll do all of this when she's good and ready and I'm not pushing her. So many people tell you stories of woe but just go with what you feel is right and tell everyone to butt out!! X
 
Thanks ladies; just settled him down for a nap - he went down awake but I just rubbed his back until he drifted off and I feel so much better and calmer for having stayed with him, much to the horror of others! :) xxx
 
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Every child is different (cliche I know!!) and they def go through phases. My lo used to self settle and now he doesn't at bedtime. He does for naps but 9/10 times at bedtime I cant leave him even though I try. (He's nearly 14 months now)

Some weeks I can't do it at all and others he's fine to be put in his cot awake and go to sleep himself.

Don't let people make you feel like you are doing something wrong, you know what your baby needs

They all do it when they're ready some just take longer than others, and some do it early and then regress!
 
Louise, I'm glad I could help!

You've said yourself he's able to self settle in the night and he's sleeping brilliantly as well. So you're obviously doing something right!

We all have the well meaning friends and relatives telling us all what we should be doing. I just ignore them because it's OH and I that have to deal with it day to day! I am not one for letting my LO cry it out either, although thankfully I've never been desperate enough to seriously consider it!

Keep doing what you're doing as long as you're happy and so is LO!
 
Some days my son (also 11 months) is too tired to care if I've left the room, but some naps and if he wakes in the night I leave and he starts howling. Back in a quick pat and he's quiet but same if I go again! I've found if I can quieten him down but then turn away from him and then slowly leave the room like a step away from the cot every couple of minutes he doesn't really realise and has drifted off enough for me to leave the room. It doesn't always work but like you I can't take the awful crying!

If he settles with you being with him then I'd stick with that for now, especially if it's pretty quick and pain free all around :)
 
I don't believe in the whole "Making a rod for your own back" thing. My daughter is only 4.5 months, so I am lacking in experience somewhat, but I held her for literally all of her naps for the first 3 months and was told I needed to start putting her down or she'd never nap alone. At 3 months, I felt like she was ready, started putting her in her co-sleeper once she was asleep to nap, and we had no issues whatsoever.

Just recently I had to put her down awake after a night feed because I was dying for a wee - Usually she'll either fall asleep feeding or I'll rock her back to sleep after, then put her down - and when I came back, I was amazed to see she'd fallen asleep herself. This has happened a few times since. I had never planned for her to be able to self settle so early, did no CIO or sleep training whatsoever. It just happened because she was ready and I honestly believed that's what will happen with most sleep "issues"

So my point is, carry on staying with him til he's asleep. It sounds perfect, much nicer than either of you having to get upset. When he's ready, he'll stop needing that, and you'll probably miss it :)
 
I have two girls, the first who is now 3 slept wonderfully from about 8 weeks - slept through, napped well didn't know I had her! My second lg who is now 6 months has been rubbish from birth, she hadn't slept through ever until a few weeks ago and cat naps during the day - I'd consider an hour a long sleep for her!!! She is only just beginning to sleep better, I can honestly hand on heart say I have treated both girls the same therefore I really don't think it's anything you're doing "wrong". Just keep plugging away doing what you're doing, if your lo wants you in the room for now then go with that, and don't panic about new baby coming, I had a list as long as my arm of things I wanted to accomplish with my first ie getting rid of dummy, potty training etc didn't achieve any of it but now we have!
 
My motto? A rod for your own back is only a rod if you yourself have an issue with it. If you are fine with it then it isn't an issue. If it becomes an issue for YOU, then you'll get that pissed off about it that you'll do something to change it. We've just had similar pressure over potty training and had two forced early attempts that ended in disaster. A month ago my little girl asked me if she could wear pants, and in that month we've only had three accidents, cause she did it when she was ready. Go with your gut feeling and screw everyone else!
 
I was the same, my LO had never really cried but I was struggling to get her to sleep. I actually laid on the floor next to her cot the first night, the second I just stayed till she was asleep. The next I sat by the door and I gradually had less interaction with her until I can now pop her in bed and leave her. It is amazing. I expected it to take a month but it was about 4/5 days really
 
I rocked/held my boy to sleep until he was almost 15 months, for naps and bedtime. He would cry if I even tried to put him down semi awake. Then one day I tried and he didn't make a sound. He's 21 months now and been great ever since at self settling. I just put him down and leave the room. He doesn't always fall asleep straight away, I can hear him babbling via the monitor sometimes but he's not crying for cuddles and he falls asleep himself. I didn't do anything differently, I think he was just ready in his is own time. Some people might have said I made a rod for my own back by cuddling him to sleep for 15 months but they would be wrong! Cos look at him now. Sure your lo will be the same so don't worry xx
 

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