New mums and relationships

Discussion in 'Baby & Toddler' started by Jellybeanjen, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    I love my OH and he is my best friend but recently just feel so unhappy about our relationship/lifestyle. We both took on good jobs (same office) working in London which meant travelling a lot but we saw each other as we worked together and meant we were earning more. So we decided we could afford a baby and have a home etc. but now means he is working all day and we don't get to see each other and when we do we are both shattered and sniping at each other. Just feels like we worked towards something that we thought would benefit us and our child but not actually have the time to enjoy it together if that makes sense. I'm worried things will go stale and just end up arguing all the time :( I keep thinking back to how we lived before and how happy we were...now, I'm not that happy and I know it's not his fault at all but I just seem to end up taking it out on him and he doesn't deserve that. I get scared he or I will just crack and end it :( Is it normal to feel this way?
    Feeling so "lost" and alone since Anna was born. Xxx


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  2. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    Also feeling really down about my weight and unattractive so I wonder why he is with me at all. He'd be better off without :( how can he love me when all I do is complain, get upset etc. I'm not exactly someone he can be proud to call his gf. I'm surprised he hasn't wanted to leave or anything.


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  3. HL28

    HL28 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2012
    Messages:
    1,064
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ah hun. If you can try and talk to him and explain everything you've just said to him. Having a baby it soo tough on relationships sometimes and it takes a lot of adjusting. I would say all of what you have said is completely normal and I felt pretty similar having my first two. Just try and talk hun. Lots of love xxx
     
  4. Petit Pois

    Petit Pois Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2012
    Messages:
    1,133
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have been feeling this way too!

    We've both been snappy with each other, most of the time for no reason, and when there is a reason it's trivial!

    It came to a head this weekend just gone. I broke down and had a proper cry about it and we talked it out - he's working long hours to get overtime to compensate for my reduced wages, and I was worried that with the arguing on top of me being all gross and fat that he'd end up leaving me...actually embarrassing writing that lol. But he reassured me, we both apologised and we've agreed to try and be more considerate and think before we speak.

    It's going well so far :)

    My advice would be to talk to him, otherwise it'll all build up and you'll have a meltdown like I did lol.

    But if it makes you feel any better, (it did me), my OH spoke to a few blokes at work who've had babies recently and ALL OF THEM said the same thing had happened to them. You'll get through it :hug:

    It's a new chapter :)


    Tapatalking!
     
  5. Mrs Wibbily

    Mrs Wibbily Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    1,306
    Likes Received:
    0
    This is all totally normal my love! Lots of women and couples find the reality of a family (well the first 6 months) is completely different to the dream that you had as to how it would be. You have gone through a life altering process and of course it's not going to be the same as it was before. You're knackered, your body has changed into something you don't recognise and you have the responsibility of a little baby to thinks about. It's not easy no matter what others say. However all these things will change, you will sleep again (hopefully:lol:), and you're body will go back to how it was (more or less maybe with a bit of sweat and tears)!

    You really need to sit down and have a good talk with your oh and tell him how things are for you, he may be feeling the same and just as "lost" as you are. Maybe you need to arrange a 'date night?' X
     
  6. Ashley89

    Ashley89 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,102
    Likes Received:
    0
    A baby adds so much strain on a relationship I found out from having big arguments with oh we are now in a very good place and are far happier than before Ava arrived....and if one night I can see he is exhausted or getting a little snappy I take over Ava to let him have a good night sleep he does the same for me if I'm snapping and we wake up more refreshed and calmer....

    But agree with the others sit down and talk to him he is probably feeling the same as you and not being able to see you and baby much probably gets to him too. And yes arrange a "date night" just for you to have your time together it's few and far between with me but I appreciate that time more than I normally would have! X
     
  7. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks girls! I'm glad it's not just me feeling this way. I never thought this would happen, I thought it'd be tough but how happy we would both be. Seems we are just tired and snapping at each other. And sleep seems like a competition all the time jig is so annoying. Like if I go for a nap then it turns into "you had a nap so I go for one" and then "yeah but when I went for a nap, she was asleep so you still got to rest" etc. and it's so not us to be like that. Selfishness shows when sleep is involved lol.
    Plus, when he does come home and we get time together...we sit opposite ends of sofa and on computer/phone instead. Before, we would have organised a film to watch and sit cuddling and watching it together. In pregnancy it was hard to cuddle as was so massive so sorta just got like this and now feeling even further apart with demanding daughter and both is being selfish with our time. :( I just text him as I said a little how I felt last night and he text back and then I said more and he got slightly defensive so exactly what I expected and wish never said anything as prob gonna argue later when he gets home :( when does it get easier and can enjoy family life more?:/ xxx


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  8. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2012
    Messages:
    3,274
    Likes Received:
    0
    I can totally empathise JBJ! The first few weeks we were both just so tired, we didn't have the energy to fight, but between weeks 4 - 6 it was really difficult and we were snapping at each other every single day and night - it was a sad and lonely existence!

    After a hell of a chat and a big old heart to heart over a nice meal and a bottle of red - we learnt that we were just over tired and finding it a little testing trying to adapt to our new life. We weren't making time for each other - we were just taking care of JJ.

    Things have been much easier since that chat - not 100% perfect as we are still quite tired lol! However, if you can learn to keep the dialogue open - and communicate with each other, at least you both know how the other is feeling.

    Make time for each other and "forgive the small un-important stuff" - it's so easy to forget to do that when you have a demanding little bundle on your hands - but so very important for your relationship xxx
     
  9. AmyQ

    AmyQ Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2012
    Messages:
    1,303
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's hard work. I found DH was coming home from work and doing all the stuff he used to. He'd sit on his laptop, iPhone, go out shopping as and when, and do his hobbies. It really pissed me off cos I'd be last on his list. I've started asking him to come to bed earlier with me once Evan is settled. It gets him away from all the distractions and we can talk and cuddle. It feels like quality time. We've still got a way to go but it's so much better xx
     
  10. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2012
    Messages:
    3,989
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's really common! We went through exactly the same thing. It's hard for both of you adjusting to life with a new baby. What I personally found in our relationship is with my OH going back to work, I felt a bit like his life had stayed the same whereas mine had completely turned upside down! It's also difficult because all the free time that you once had for each other gets eaten up by baby. So when you do get a rare five minutes to yourself once baby is in bed, you want to do something for you rather than necessarily with OH.

    It is hard, but it does get easier. I felt I really turned a corner at about 12 weeks. My LO started sleeping longer, so we both get more rest while I've got time in the morning to actually make an effort with my appearance. I joined weight watchers and started taking LO for walks in the day to get some exercise. So I'm gradually feeling more like myself and gettin my confidence back. As for relationship with OH, you just have to keep talking. Try to put the competitions aside and accept you both have it hard. As my OH said when I told him he had it easy, he doesn't get to spend half as much time as he'd like with our son, so it goes both ways. Try to make time for each other, even if it's only one night a week after baby goes to bed. We accept on week nights we don't do much together of an evening, but we do make the effort at the weekend to sit together and chat or watch a film. If you can, do try and get a baby sitter and have some time alone with OH. We left our son for the first time this weekend and even though it was only for an hour it was so nice to have that time together and have a conversation that didn't revolve around poo or similar!

    Things will get better though!
     
  11. Jellybeanjen

    Jellybeanjen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you so much guys. Defo gonna suggest one night a week which will be our night to go out for meal or something and can ask mum to look after Anna etc. it's sooo hard. I knew having a baby was gonna be hard but I didn't think of the emotional side of it...I just thought..tiredness, mess, cost etc. I think it's so easy to lose "who" you are when you have a LO. I used to play guitar, ukulele, go drinking, watching bands, camping, be into all my reptiles etc. and now...there's no time for anything. So defo gonna have to make time to play a little guitar for like an hour and then Greg can play his computer game or summit and then have a date night once a week. I spoke to him about it all and we said we are both incredibly tired. Plus I'm so hungry from slimming world which makes me so moody too. I do love him, I just worry I'm not the same person who he fell in live with etc. as I don't do any of the things I used to and I am flabby and aloooooot fatter anyway haha. xxx


    Tapatalking so I can't see sigs x
     
  12. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2012
    Messages:
    3,989
    Likes Received:
    0
    It is so true you do lose a sense of identity when pregnant. But you will gradually get parts of you back as you get used to life with a baby.

    The good thing is with your guitar etc, this is something you could do with your daughter. I'm sure she'd love a sing song with mummy! I always read to my son and have read him my books from my kindle. He doesn't care what I read to him as long as I'm talking to him!!
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice