New member, complete novice!

[CarrieMarshall]

Hi all, I'm new to this board and to starting a family. My partner and I have said we would like to start trying ASAP, but my partner is having trouble taking the plunge.

I am very much on the bandwagon and rearing to go; have had all contraceptive stopped and am only currently using the withdrawal method. Have also spent the last couple of years losing weight and getting fit so Im at my best to begin!

My partner is very game for starting a family, but his only concern is about money. He is fully aware that it isnt cheap to have kids, but its not about money its about happiness! Anyway, the point is that he is very dubious about getting the ball rolling even though he wants to. Although I share his expense worries, he can be overly cautious and Im wondering whether this is a classic case for him. I dont want to rush him into it at all but part of me thinks he is holding himself back too?

We have friends with children and friends that have given birth very recently so he is getting the feedback from them and has been asking them ALOT of questions, which is a good sign!

Does anybody have any experience of this sort of thing? What was the point that made your partner realise they were ready? I've also bought a couple of books as he is someone that likes to read up on things and be prepared so they are there when he is ready to read them.

I'd love to hear your experiences, thanks ever so much!

 

[mylullaby]

Hello Carrie! Well now you've found this forum there'll be no stopping you. You'll be discussing OPKs and HPTs and POAS and EWCM and temping/charting before you know it. Here's the abbreviations in case you're stuck (I was!) http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/forum-support/111142-abbreviations-lingo-explained.html

As you're only using the withdrawal method you're already ttc so I'm going to be picky and say you should move from wtt into ttc!! Ha! Come and join us. You'll have a blast and lose some of your sanity at the same time

In terms of officially deciding to have a baby, well... me and DH talked generally about having kids pretty much from the start but it wasn't until around Christmas (had been together 18 months by then) that we had "the" chat about when to actually stop taking contraception and go for it. I'm the one who worries about money but I don't think that'll ever change - have always been the same even though we're doing pretty well financially. Better to worry about it unnecessarily than not worry when you should have - that's my view anyway!

Just keep talking to him - it always feel better when you share your worries and realise that you feel scared/apprehensive about the same things - and that every other couple EVER has probably worried about the same things!! Sounds corny but as long as you have a roof over your heads, clothes on your backs and food on the table, you'll be fine.

Me and DH started out with a relaxed approach to ttc but as the months have gone on, we've both admitted that we can't wait to have a baby and we're not actually that relaxed at all and WHY HASN'T IT HAPPENED YET?!?!? Haha!

Everyone here is lovely anyway and you'll find answers to any questions you have (and even the answers to questions you didn't know you had!) - great that you've joined at the beginning - best of luck with ttc xxx

 

[BunnyN]

You read things about how expensive having a baby is. Honestly I find it hard to see how they come up with some of their figures. Obviously it's always going to cost some money but I don't think you have to spend a fortune. If you are the kind of person that wants everything new, the latest model, matching and brand name then it can get expensive fast. If thats what you want and you have the money for it fine but remember it's for the gratification of the parents, the baby doesn't really care.

Lots of money can be saved buying things second hand or in sales. It depends on how much family you have but we were given loads of stuff new from family and friends as well as things passed down from friends babies. We also breastfed which makes food for the first 6 months free. After that if you make home made food adding another person isn't that expensive. Premade baby food is expensive but there is no need for it, infact most of it is rubbish. Don't buy too much newborn stuff they grow out of it so quick and don't buy too many toys, they get board of most of them pretty quick too.

Of course it depends on how tight your budget is. If you are struggling to get by now adding a baby could be hard but we haven't found it makes much difference. We used to go to the cinema and or out to dinner once a week or so and the occasional weekend away. We don't have so much time for those things and spend the money on the baby instead. Nappies are probably about our biggest expense and I look for promotions on them. Most of the rest of the money we spend on the baby is because we want to rather than need to. It's nice to go shopping for cute outfits sometimes but it's not like she NEEDS more clothes. Sometimes there are unexpected expenses like we had to buy a travel cot (£50) recently so it's nice not to have to worry about every penny but day to day expenses don't need to be that high.

I'm not sure if it helps you but this has been our experience.

 

[CarrieMarshall]

Thanks for the link for abbreviations, will definitely need that! I know only using withdrawal doesn't really class as contraception, but I'm nervous to say we are ttc until i know we ate definitely are. Yeah I definitely agree and it is as expensive as you want it to be. I personally don't see any point in buying mountains of clothes when family and friends tend to buy as gifts and there are always some secondhand somewhere that have only been used for a month or so!

Being really close to our friends newborn has definitely changed him already, although he wouldn't admit to that! I think it's maybe just a matterof time and getting to get him to talk about it openly, which like a typical man he's not too keen on!

Would anybody say there was a pivotal moment for their man when he finally got on board?

Thanks for your kinds words so far, helpful already!

 

[mylullaby]

I think you need to have a serious chat about the fact that you aren't using contraception and that effectively means you could get pregnant at any time. Because honestly, it's better to have that conversation now and have everything out in the open than ignore it, get pregnant and then find out that he isn't quite as up for it as you think. I'm not trying to say that will happen by the way - talking more about a worst-case scenario which by the sound of it I don't think you'll face - but honestly, do it tonight. Whenever you get a minute of just sitting together - over dinner or watching TV or maybe when you have a natter after getting into bed. Just mention it. Time to be adults and admit it could happen and how would you feel if it did? You'll feel so much better the more you talk about it - honest!!!

 

[CarrieMarshall]

We've spoken about it alot, and he has said that if it were to happen sooner rather than later then he would be happy and we would manage, but I think he just likes to be safe and make sure he has everything in place he can do. I suppose I should be really thankful that we are both thinking so carefully about it and being sensible, but then my impatient side kicks in and I wanna get to it lol! He has said next year, so I'm gonna have a chat and say to him let's pick a date next year, I know I'll then feel a bit better because tthere's something to work towards then, rather than a random date in the future that could be 10 minutes or 10 years away!

 

[mylullaby]

Yep. Good idea. Definitely pick a date. That's a great idea. I would also ask why next year? Because he's scared now? (He'll still be scared next year). So you can save up? Great - how much will you save and how often? Monthly payments into a specific account? How much is "enough"? Have a specific figure in mind. Did he say next year because you have plans for this year? - what are they? Holidays? Day trips? Nights out? Make a "Before the Baby Comes" list and work your way through it. Just a few ideas of course, but I wouldn't be happy to just 'drift' until next year without some specifics like this in my mind.

 

[CarrieMarshall]

Oh no I definitely agree! This year we are making some big home improvements, but they are the last things we need to do in our house. We always said from the get go we would get those out of the way. He wants to wait so that we can get into the habit of all of our outgoings etc (we have just taken an affordable loan for the improvements). We can afford it as we are now, but of course we need to get comfortable with what goes out and see where we can make cuts.

I have been saving for quite some time for this and he also wants to make a little nest egg. I think that putting a date in place is a good idea for us, but I think the thing I am going to struggle with is getting him to agree that the date is not for reassessment, its for reproduction lol!

It is quite clear to me that he is slightly nervous about it, but I'm not going to lie, so am I! It's a massive thing and at least we can say we are not just jumping in to it blind!

 

[mylullaby]

You're not alone honey - we're ttc but still completely bricking it about the prospect of becoming parents - totally understand. Hopefully your bfp won't be too far off anyway xxx

 

[Sef]

Hi,
I'm new too!
I'm having similar problems with my oh... Although after we talked about it- money isn't his excuse as I pointed out to him that we couldn't wait years... My 32 and have pcos so would our financial situation change in the next 6 months- year.... Nope.... Then we would just have to take the plunge! My oh says he wants time to enjoy us... As we have been married just under a year and moved house etc so have had a very busy year.... I understand.... Kindof... Why can't he have the irrational desire to have a baby now like me!
I know we will Ttc within the year, but I'm so impatient and worry about conceiving... I want to talk about it all the time but I know the more I do the more he will resist so currently just using this to air my frustrations!
Have a chat with your oh about money wise what will change, plan a baby budget together and help him see that you don't need to buy new of everything ....

 

[CarrieMarshall]

Fingers crossed mylullaby, I think making the effort to talk about it more will definitely help us.

lol Sef, are you sure we aren't the same person?! Your OH sounds exactly like mine! Luckily for the both of us, I am a compulsive budgeter; if there are numbers to be crunched I will crunch 'em! We recently took out a loan for home improvements and I worked out the repayments as they would be on our current income, and how we would manage them on Stat Mat Pay! I really dont want to press him too much because it is meant to be something to be happy and excited about rather than get angry and stressed about, but on the other hand it isnt something you can sweep under the carpet.

We have been together for 7 years and been in our first home together for 7 months now, which I know isnt particularly long, but when we do concieve, we will still have another 9 months in the house by ourselves!

A friend of mine has recently taken 2 and a half years to conceive and I worry that it could potentially happen to us too; I know we are by no stretch of the imagination an older couple, but the longer we do leave it and the longer it could potentially take.....

Think we will need to be venting together Sef!

 

[CarrieMarshall]

Ah I cant believe how relieved and excited I now feel after spending so long feeling down and unsure! We finally sat down and had a chat and came to a compromise on when we will TTC. We are now looking at New Year, which makes him happy financially and makes me happy knowing I have that time frame to get myself as healthy as possible and start planning forward. Since we have made the decision we have also found it aloteasier to talk about it together. I think now we both now what we are working towards we are happier, although being a man he wouldn't say that outright!

 

[mylullaby]

Ooooh Carrie that's fab news!!! Really pleased for you - it's a great feeling when you make a firm decision isn't it?! Good luck with saving and generally preparing for ttc and I hope you don't have to wait too long for your 2015 bfp! Exciting times ahead xxx

 

[bgirl26]

All of this is so exciting! The more I read on this forum the more excited I get for everyone including myself. Carrie I hope you have good news soon! I also just want to thank everyone for bringing up points that I have thought about. I knew myself that not everything has to be bought bran new for a little one but maybe my DH hasn't thought of that? Or even just planning out a budget?