Need your advice

[Laura_James&Amber]

Ok not sure if i'm posting this in the right bit but need some advice. One of my best friends is 21 in november and having a big party. She says she really wants me to be there and will be upset if i don't go. the problem is she lives in manchester. I can't go because i will have not long had my baby and don't know how i'm gonna feel after the birth. Also i'm gonna be getting used to being a new mum and wil probably be really tired. she said i will easily be able to go because i will have had bump by then and can get my parents to babysit! WTF??! Firstly I AM NOT leaving my baby that soon after having them, i feel i will need time to bond properly and get them into a proper routine before leaving them for a night. Secondly I really don't know how i will be after the birth, i might recover quickly but then again i might not, who knows? Am i being silly and selfish? the way she came across made me feel like she was putting on a guilt trip and making me feel like i HAVE to go no matter what. she made it all sound so easy but she really does not have a clue. I don't want to let her down but at the same time i need to think of my child. I haven't given her an answer yet, i just sort of said "oh well its ages away yet" and changed the subject and I haven't spoken to her since as i don't really know how to tell her i won't be there which is very cowardly of me but i know she will go mad when i tell her and i don't need the stress. I really don't know what to do. can anyone help and am i being pathetic? please be honest! thankyou in advance for any advice

 

[poochielove]

I'm pregnant with my first so i am clueless on how easy/hard that will be (although guessing hard!!!). But i am guessing she just assumes it will be fine and isnt really taking ur feelings into consideration. Your whole life changes when u have a child and i bet she doesnt have a kid to realise this? If shes only 21 she probs dont have anything like that to worry about! TBH I think she is the one being selfish

 

[poochielove]

OOO you live in Nuneaton..used to go college there and draw nudey people

 

[fran_23]

i take it your friend doesn't have children..i remember all my mates thought i would just have the baby and then go down the pub the next day to celebrate or something..it took them a while to realise i didn't just want to leave him and stuff!

i dont think you are being pathetic at all, everyone needs time to bond with a new baby and get into their new role as a mummy etc..plus as you said you don't know how you will be feeling physically!
I think you should message her explaining exactly what you've just said and say that you don't mean any offense and obviously if you could you would love to celebrate her birthday with her but is just not practical.
maybe say you and her could meet up in a few weeks/months and have a drink together alone. If she doesn't understand then shes not being a very good friend..its not the end of the world if you don't go to her party you have an important reason!
If she is being a real stickler tell her you will see how you feel once you've had the baby and stuff but you are not promising anything..that way she's prepared for you to not go..i bet she will be fine with it though..its not as if you are saying you dont want to come and hate her..YKWIM??

 

[LisaJ1986]

Unfortunately priorities change when you've had a baby. They will always come 1st. My daughter is 10 weeks old an i'm still adjusting to motherhood. I wouldn't wanna leave her even now. And finding a babysitter aint easy either. My mate has ignored me since xmas. We went out for her 21st when i was 6months pregnant and coz i couldn't drink, didn't wanna stand all night and wanted to go home early she aint bothered with me since.

 

[nickilubs]

If she wants to see you she will come to you arrange for her to come and meet your LO and do you both a meal and a big girley night later in the week or earlyer just the two of you and baby. You probs wont feel too party like anyways and if shes a good friend then she should be happy just to see you even if it means she has to make the effort.

 

[Sherlock]

Your LO would be about 6 weeks old at the time of the party.

As a first time Mum whose LO is now 6 weeks I can honestly say if I was invited to a party in Manchester overnight at this time there is no way I'd want to go.

Firstly, while I am happy to have my mother look after our LO I'd not leave him overnight and go away. Secondly, it is only this past week I'm experiencing anything close to normality in my life (and even then thats pushing it).

You have no idea how you will feel in November. Labour and the early weeks really take their toll on you, physically and mentally and are exhusting.

Personally I'd say to leave it open, that you'd like to be there but cannot, will not promise as you have no idea how things will be then. And once LO is here you can safely call her and let her know you won't be going (or maybe you will if you feel up to it).

Personally if I had a night free at this point of 6 weeks sod partying, I'd want to crawl into bed and sleep for 12 hours

 

[*Star*]

thats a long way to go too.

i would say you would love to come if you could, but you really cant promise it.
who knows you may have a section and only really be getting back on your feet at 6 weeks

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

Thankyou so much for all your advice girls, its really helped. your all so lovely on here and really appriciate the advice

 

[Sandi4Paul]

Do you really need to make a decision right now? why not tell her you will decide closer to the time? cos you are right you are not going to know how things are going to go in advance.

Sandi

 

[rachie29]

I can appreciate your predicament and I can honestly say as someone who has been there, no you are not being selfish and even if you were who cares, its your perogative as a new mum.
When my baby was 8weeks old one of my oldest friends was getting married. She had instigated a no children policy so I told her that I wouldnt be attending because I was breastfeeding so couldnt leave Holly and also and mainly that I didn't want to. Oh and the wedding was in herefordshire.

I've known her for 11 years so I was sad not to go but she understood. I didnt make her hen do either because it was on the south coast, for 3 days and I was 7mths pregnant. I felt bad but it couldnt be helped. She was fine about it if a little sad.
Now my former best friend (note the word former) said that 'well it depends on how good a friend you are' when I was in a quandry about going whilst pregnant. This same best friend also accused me of being selfish for not seeing much of her when I was heavily pregnant, working full time, knackered and suffering from m/s still all day. I was selfish for not understanding how my pregnancy would affect her etc etc....

I cut her out of my life in the end. It was a tough decision but ultimately the right one and I am so much happier, there were a lot if issues there. Now I am in no way saying that you should do the same but having a baby does change your priorities and your focus does become your family.

i waited until after LO was born before deciding for sure about not going to the wedding but dont feel pressured into doing something you are not ready for.

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

thankyou for your lovely message rachie
Good to get advice from someone who has been in a similar situation

 

[Mrs_Jay]

well i wouldnt go and i think shes the one being selfish to try and guilt you in to going . i didnt even go out for the night out until jack was about 7 months coz i just didnt wanna leave him. i had a friend who was similar and tried to get me to go to a concert when Jack was only 4 months but i had no one to look after him anyway and i didnt wanna go. but its not always as easy as ppl think to to dump them on grandparents etc . anyway she stopped talking to me over it. but imo its her loss and shows her maturity. and i think the same about your friend. if she was really your friend shed want what was best for you and your baby. Not herself...