My sanity vs my baby having loving grandparents

[Rossana22]

Hello, I am in a bit of a rock/hard place situation and hope I can get some help here. I have one of THOSE mothers in law. How I look, what I do, how I react , how I think, how I organise my life is always discussed in subtle mean criticism ( sometimes as subtle as a buldozer, but my husband loves her so he never picks up). Now that I am pregnant , I was TOLD ( not asked ) that she will be with me in the delivery room and that she'll take care of us since she knows I couldn't deal with it. Already setting up a massive party for all her family for the day I am schedueled to bring my baby home.

I honestly don't give a monkey's what she thinks of me. I have absolutely no issues telling her to go mind her own business, that she will most certainly not be there in the delivery room with me and until me and my baby have established a routine and my post-partum bleeding is under control she can have parties wherever she wants but not near us. Obviously in a more diplomatic way, but my gut feeling tells me this is what I must do to keep my sanity and my plans

The problem is I'm not the only daughter in law. My hubbie's brother is married to Princess Perfect: a.k.a. someone my MIL undertsands and relates to. Of course, my sister in law will do whatever my MIL says and sit wherever she's told ( but then she's a clinically stupid no GCSEs drop-out and I'm a PhD of Law).There has always been a double standard regarding the way we are treated by our inlaws but I understood it and got on with my hapilly married life.

BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO PASS ON TO MY CHILD. I know that the fact that I have my own mind and my own ideas about dealing with my pregnancy will mean my baby will be treated differently from his cousins and I cannot hope that a child will be as mature as me and not get hurt by it. I should also mention that my family lives in another country and we're not at all close so my hubbie's parents are the only chance of grandparents he'll have ( also I might need their help at some point and I expect them to get involved: just not looking at my intimates in the delivery room and having parties around me until I had a chance to be with my baby or "I know best" routines).

Thank you, all suggestions appreciated.

 

[spice]

hey hun so sorry your in this situation, have you spoke to you hubby about it??? if you can get him to understand it from your point of view, he can tell his mother, would probs be better coming from him, as in her not being there till visiting times (after youve had the baby) and that a party would be better a few weeks after babys born, for the reasons youve stated.

i wouldnt worry to much about your children being treated differently, if she loves her son as much as her son loves her, she wont do anything to make him feel bad, her behaviour towards you may not change, but if you can put up with it then your children will still get loving grandparent!

hope it all works out xxx

 

[Laverne]

Hi Rosanna

You sound like an intelligent and balanced individual and one that knows her own mind.

In my experience Grandparents can be a large part of your little ones’ education (for the want of a better word) and having a good relationship with them is, whilst not vital, extremely beneficial for both baby and parents alike. A bit of give and take is required in most in-law relationships when a baby arrives and it’s striking that fine balance that can be difficult for all parties involved. As suggested by Spice it’s probably worth attempting to broach the subject of your fears and reservations with your husband, obviously this can be extremely difficult especially if your husband is very close to his Mum but it’s something that he needs to be made aware of if he hasn’t been already.

It’s inevitable that you’ll receive a mountain load of good and bad advice from friends and family with regard to ‘what’s best’, this is something that every prospective Mum is given (it’s quite possibly one of the rites of passage of pregnancy!) and, along with all of your own research and beliefs you’ll bring your little one in the way that you believe is best. Focus on the here and now and your little one will grow up happy, content and loved by all and not be treated dissimilarly purely because your views on parenting might differ from others.

Good Luck x

 

[frankie707]

I would say stay firm about the delivery room and party but just explain what you've put here about bonding with baby and the fact that no matter how well your birth goes you will be tired and need some time to recover. Maybe suggest that you do have the party but suggest a date further in the future-one month on could be a marker to celebrate with family. It's a v hard thing to do managing the MIL!!! Good luck