My husbands on Tinder!!

[Belfa]

Hi

I got a private message on Instagram yesterday from a girl who sent me a screen shot of a message from my husband. She had asked him if he was married and he said we had separated just after conceiving. I actually thought it was very clever spam and showed it to him in a "omg look at this spam" and he came clean straight away.

He told me he had met her on Tinder and joined on Sunday and deleted it straightaway once he realised what an idol he was...I thought about this during the day and it didn't make sense as we were together all day on Sunday and had had a great time at a friends wedding on the Saturday so I wasn't sure why he'd feel the need to go on a dating site?

I decided to look at his emails and there's an email from tinder from May of this year. I then replied to the girl who sent me more of the conversation. Basically he had organised to meet her for a drink and when she tried to follow him on Instagram she saw the picture of us at the wedding the day before and caught him out. She tore in to him a peach, I'm quite impressed! She said she had just joined Tinder and was disgusted that the first guy she talked to turned out to be married so deleted it.

Anyway, armed with this new info I confronted him last night. He then told me he had been on it for 3 or 4 days, then it turned in to a month. He says he didn't join in May 2015 but I don't think Tinder would randomly spam him to let him know he can now update his profile through Instagram if he hadn't already been on it?

I would probably shrug it off though I'm mortified, especially as I need to loose 4stone and have the worst stretch marks my midwives had seen, something I find very hard to deal with day to day as I don't feel comfortable.

Add to that that in the 10years we've been together he's essentially been unemployed for most of it. He sees himself as an entrepreneur but has yet to have a big break. Currently he's working on something which should be a good company when it gets going and he has investors so it's more positive but yet I have been keeping him on my mat pay since I gave birth and this is what he does? Tries to pick women up?

Not really sure what I'm looking for in this thread but just wanted to get it down. I don't have any married friends and can't go to my parents or they'd disown him as he's already on dangerous water with them over the career thing! x

 

[mylullaby]

I'm so sorry to hear he has done this to you. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but this would be the end for me I'm afraid. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over. I appreciate that it's easier said than done to walk away though, especially when kids are involved. Could you try couples councelling? I really don't see this as something that will just go away if you try to forget about it- it's a massive betrayal and he needs to show you what he plans to do to earn your trust back if he wants to save your relationship. Maybe think about getting in touch with Relate and see how you go from there? xx

 

[MrsS143]

Itd be the line in the sand for me
Not only is he unfrateful and lazy but hes basically cheated on you... Or the intent was there anyway... Even if it wasnt physical it was definitely emotional
Id punch his lights out for being such a dick

 

[babyscotcher]

I am maybe a bit more lenient than the other girls. We had some issue at the start of my pregnancy involving not other women but lots of lying and hiding things from me. We have moved past it and my OH goes out of his way now to tell me things and show me thing so I know he is not hiding it. I am not going to pretend that he 100% has my trust back but I love him and gave him that chance to win it back.

He is a wonderful dad to our little boy and 95% of the time is a wonderful fiance to me so maybe what you need to do is weigh up the good things versus the bad and what he has done. If the good still outweighs the bad then give him a chance to prove it to you.

Don't leave it and try to forget about it though as it will just eat away at you slowly. Face it head on together if that's what you want to do. X

 

[russellmuscle]

Obviously we are not in your situation and dont know the other circumstances but based on the lying/potential cheating I think Id seriously consider a long break/finishing it. If hes not 100% coming clean and saying hes been on it since May then hes never going to come clean.

Good on the woman for being honest, some arent. I know its not exactly what you are wanting to hear especially so soon after having a baby but your OH should really realise what he has infront of him and kicking him to hell to show you can/will do better than him may kick his arse into gear and make him realise he cant keep lying or trying shit like that and expect to keep you.

xxxxx

 

[Holi]

Belfa I'm so sorry your husband is being such a bell end!! I don't really know what to say! I'm so glad this girl made you aware of what's going on.

How do you feel towards him?? Can you forgive this?

Personally I think I would probably try and forgive my hubby for my lo sake, but inevitably it would never work as I don't think I would ever trust him. I would constantly be checking phones, emails, giving him 20 questions every time he went out etc.

The sad fact is, how many girls has he been talking to before this one?? I can't imagine he was unlucky enough to get caught out the first girl he speaks to!!

He's already being caught out lying with when he joined!

Has he been acting suspicious for a while? Has he had many nights out without you in last couple of months?

Really sorry your going through this and I hope you work it out whatever you decide to do! Xx

 

[russellmuscle]

I agree if your caught doing something once, usually youv did it before.

xxxx

 

[Coletteypie]

Belfa I am so shocked to hear this. I can't believe your hubby would do this to you.

You have a baby together so what you would do this time last year versus now is very different. I think you need to sit down and fully confront the lying. If you are satisfied that he gives you the complete truth then maybe you can trust him again. But I think you need to stress quite how vulnerable you are right now - considering you only had a baby 4 months ago and still lack in confidence. But also its not like you are in a position to throw him out tomorrow considering he is the father of your child and you have been married a long time.

Has he just been a bit of an idiot and was flattered by the attention - but was never going to go anywhere!? Or was he going down a path that he knew full well would lead to an affair... Only you can ask him and believe his answer.

Really wishing you luck xx

 

[LittleDorrit]

I am maybe a bit more lenient than the other girls. We had some issue at the start of my pregnancy involving not other women but lots of lying and hiding things from me. We have moved past it and my OH goes out of his way now to tell me things and show me thing so I know he is not hiding it. I am not going to pretend that he 100% has my trust back but I love him and gave him that chance to win it back.

He is a wonderful dad to our little boy and 95% of the time is a wonderful fiance to me so maybe what you need to do is weigh up the good things versus the bad and what he has done. If the good still outweighs the bad then give him a chance to prove it to you.

Don't leave it and try to forget about it though as it will just eat away at you slowly. Face it head on together if that's what you want to do. X

I agree with babyscotcher, I had problems with my husband as well after my son was born. I stuck with it and now we are TTC number 2. It's not been easy and it probably never will be but I made my decision in the end and as babyscotcher says above I weighed up the good against the bad. It's a decision only you can make as only you know deep down what you really want.

Wishing you happiness whatever you decide.

 

[Belfa]

Thanks ladies, the different perspectives are good.

He is trying to act normally today and actually cut the grass after I've been asking him for weeks but I don't think it's quite that easy to win me over! I know that there will be an argument at bed time too as I still don't think he should be allowed back in the bedroom.

I can't say that in 5 years time he won't do it again nor can I say that I won't use this as cannon fodder in future disagreements and I think both those things are dangerous.

I think the only way he will make things up to me is if he manages to make a good go of his new business ventures and support the family properly. I am only giving him a short time frame to sort that part of his life out otherwise I think it will be time to move on as I can't spend my life like this x

 

[russellmuscle]

Sorry you feel that way.

Me and my OH parted ways when Jackson was one, alot because he gave me so support and seemed to rely on me for everything and the stress of being a new mum and everything else was overbearing. He had no get up and go and full of empty promises of things he would like to do then never.

I eventually ended it and we were apart over a year but are now back together and hes so much better. Of course its not perfect but if its meant to be itll be and you cant continue a relationship when trust and respect are gone. If hes lying and thinking of or attempting to cheat then there is no respect.

xxxx

 

[tinselcat]

It sounds like he's sponging off you as well as lying to you (he changed his story several times) and cheating on you.. no wonder your parents are unhappy (without even knowing about the last things).

I guess you have to work out what you're willing to tolerate, but I suggest you can't just let this go or it'll set a bad precedent for future.

A good thing the girl on Tinder was honest (unlike your partner).

 

[lisa1985]

FFS what is wrong with people (men)!!! How disrespectful to you and your baby. I am so sorry you are going through this, I know he may not have actually cheated, hopefully, but it could/would have happened if she had not seen that pic or found out he was married.

My sister was with her husband for 11 years, married for 2 years and had 2 children 5 and 18 months. she used to let her husband go on holidays a lot as he was really into snowboarding. This particular holiday he came back acting weird and put a password on his phone, she managed to unlock it and her gut instinct was right, he had kissed a woman over there, but also kept in contact with her every day once home. She did say she could have forgiven a kiss, but the fact he continued contacting this woman(she was from Leeds) was the end for her! It was one of the hardest things she ever went through, but now she knows she did the right thing and has now moved on with a new man, her ex husband is still with this woman and moved her to Bristol!! This woman also knew he was married with kids and still continued this affair!!

I also think your husband has got a damn cheek sponging off you for so many years and to then disrespect you like this!

Personally I have been in a relationship with a guy who cheated many times, I never got the truth out of him but it was obvious he had, it went on for a long time and I never left because I loved him so much. Final straw came when I found a box of unopened condoms (they were not ours) and a week later one had gone. I walked out of our new house that we had only lived in for 3 months, took off my engagement ring and moved back in with my parents.

I really hope you can work things out, but if you can't trust him it will really wear you down and you do not deserve that. I was like a pyscho woman with my ex, I used to smell his clothes, check his pockets etc and it drove me mad.

Big hugs xx

 

[taff523]

well, im pretty shocked to hear your news! when my pertner announced to me she was expecting, i was doing cartwheels! couldnt , and still cant do enough for her! no idea why he would behave like this, i know i certainly was totally opposite! not sure if its something i could work through, guess you need to have a severe sit down and talking session with him. i really dont get guys that behave like this, its suppose to be the best experience ever!