Mothering stereotypes and how involved is your partner?

[widowwadman]

And how involved do you let him/want him to be?

I first noticed in a lot of discussions on a German pregnancy forum that a lot of the women there kind of monopolised their pregnancy by making decisions on what prams to get etc completely on their own, in cases of unmarried couple refusing to share custody ("as it is so difficult to get out of when you split" - surely that's the whole point of it?) and basically only wanting the father to turn up at birth (if at all), but not to be overly involved in the planning etc.

I also noticed that we get a lot of presents such as cardies, and other baby stuff, which is all explicitely given to me, not to us, even though it's from the bloke's family. His granny was even a bit surprised when he called her to say thanks for some stuff she knitted and told him that I (not we) should let her know if there's anything else I (not we) wanted.

I mean ok, I'm the one who's incubating our spawn and will have to do the whole birthing thing, but that surely doesn't make it more my child than his? So why do people weirdly try to exclude fathers from the whole thing? In the case of the present-givers I don't think they mean it in a bad way, but they seem to be a bit thoughtless, but combined with the views on the other forum I've described above it seems to me that fathers are still regarded as second class parents. My bloke is very involved, asks questions, reads the books and everything, so it's not really involvement by the father's choice I wonder about, but more about how involved society wants them to be.

And to close of my rant - is my pregnancy the only thing which is interesting about me nowadays? I went to some work do for families organised by the bloke's work, and all people seemed to talkto me about was babies and pregnancy. There's lots of other things I do. And it's not only strangers, it seems to be the same with everybody else.

Maybe it's just the hormones though and I'm getting oversensitive.

 

[charlotte_]

sometimes i feel like my boyfriend has better things on his mind, and he really seems like he's forcing himself to fake a interest. everything baby related i've gotten has also been addressed to me, and at midwife meetings/scans it's all very focused around me. it's actually no wonder that with everyone putting the focus on me & the baby rather, than the three of us as a family that he feels sort of left out!
also, whenever i see people i've known for years, my closest friends; all people want to talk about is the baby. i want to shout 'what did we talk about before i got knocked up?!' i just fancy a laugh & a bit of a bitch with my girl-friends, not babies babies babies!

 

[Julie84]

I think NJeil would be less involved if I left it up to him to involve himself. I think he finds it hard because there are certain things that I have made choices that he doesn't necesarily agree with. (For example, he doesn't really like the idea of breastfeeding but I'm not willing to not breastfeed just because he doesn't like the idea of it) However, I ensure we talk about everything first.

I was contemplating not having the triple test because I don't feel any result would have changed my mind about continuing the pregnancy and I am very phobic around needles. However, Neil said he would like to know so that he could prepare himself, do some reading etc if there was anything 'wrong'. I had to respect his wishes and decided that was something that I would change my mind on because it was something he felt more strongly about.

I took Neil with me to my 16 week check up when I also had the blood taken for the triple test as he happened to have his shifts changed last minute which meant he was off. The midwife didn't even acknowledge he was in the room. I felt really bad for him because all she was interested was in me and the baby and she could have just made him feel a bit more a part of it just by saying hello or asking him if he wanted to stand nearer the bed when she listened to the heartbeat or something. It made me feel really sad as he is just as much an important part of what is going on. (Our 12 weeks scan however was the complete opposite and it was me that felt like the spare wheel! I couldn't see the screen at all and the sonogrpaher explained everything to Neil, handed him the photo at the end told him what a lovely baby he had! I didn't mind though because I just remember feeling a huge sense of relief that everything was okay at that scan - nothing else really mattered after she said baby was in there and looked well! )

 

[widowwadman]

Ah, with breastfeeding and things he leaves the decision to me, as he says it's my body and he'll support me either way. Although he's happy that I want to give it a try, but he never would want to talk me into doing things which are about my body against my will. It's kind of a different thing to choosing the pram or nursery furniture or nappy system.
The midwife at first kinda ignored him, but curious git that he is he started asking a lot of questions which also showed that he's done his homework. I asked him whether he wanted to come along to MW appointments as I would have been ok with it either way, but he really wants to be there (to the extent that he asked me whether I wanted him to come along when I went to the GP with a nasty nasty cold and a UTI. Which is kind of OTT, but very sweet)

We discussed the triple test together at lenghts, and decided together against it, as the statistics don't seem to be good enough to risk possibly unneccessary worry.

 

[EllieBelle]

Im not sure it is society that excludes men from being involved, but more men themselves (or how they were in the past)!! Although times are changing.

Back in the days when I was born, my father dropped my mother off at the hospital and then went off to work, popped in the pub on his way home, oh and then came to see his newly born daughter, he will be on holiday in India when his 1st grandchild is due........so nothing much changes!

My DH has been very involved right from conception He also reads all the books, and we talk about tiglet all the time, I know when the baby arrives he will be so helpful, and will get totally involved in every area. He is happy to support me with my decisions (having a waterbirth for example), and is encouraging me to breastfeed etc as its better for the baby, I mean what can you say to that !! Only thing we currently disagree on is he thinks I should opt for an epidural, and I really dont want one!!

With regards to pushchairs, cots etc - we have already decided a little nearer the time we will go to a large store together and buy everything in one go (hoping to get a decent discount if we spend lots)....

Its all a bit different for me having just moved back to the UK from France, as DH is still in France for a couple of weeks, Im not working and have no friends in the village we have moved to, so I would love the opportunity to talk babies with someone, but there isnt anyone to talk to (probably why I spend so many hours logged on in here).

 

[lea m]

Im not sure it is society that excludes men from being involved, but more men themselves (or how they were in the past)!! Although times are changing.

I was going to say the same thing!
My OH is involved in everything from what clothes I buy to the pram and the birth everything! But I must say that ultimatly its my decision because Im mum

 

[xmcnickyx]

And to close of my rant - is my pregnancy the only thing which is interesting about me nowadays? I went to some work do for families organised by the bloke's work, and all people seemed to talkto me about was babies and pregnancy. There's lots of other things I do. And it's not only strangers, it seems to be the same with everybody else.

This pisses me off so much. Nobody ever asks me how I am anymore, they ask me how Whitey is (that's what we call the baby). A lot of colleagues who I never spoke to much before getting pregnant do nothing now other than talk to me about pregnancy and give advice, sorry not advice, tell me what is best! I'm about to go to my mums and I know that my sister, who's pregnant, won't want to talk about anything else but babies!

My husband is only as involved as I am. Of course I'm happy to be pregnant and having a baby but I'm not a particularly fussy, mumsy type and so he's just following my lead. As terrible as it might sound, I don't really enjoy being pregnant and he knows that and knows that I just can't wait for the baby to be here and the pregnancy to be over. I keep saying the less I have to see anyone health care related the better, I just want to be left alone as much as possible and he totally gets that.

I keep getting told by people how I am going to be when the baby is born and how I won't want to let my husband do anything and will be really controling with the baby. I know I won't, I'm not like that but I think this is the way a lot of women are and that's why men get pushed out a lot.

Ooh I could go on forever. But I won't

 

[ninjawomble]

My OH is in Iraq..so its pretty hard for him to be completely involved

But he tries as much as he can..like saying "put the phone to bump so she knows my voice" bless.

 

[Naterjack]

My OH is totally involved
We make decisions about prams, etc together
We talked in length about the triple test as before we looked into it we were certain we have every test going but decided that it wasn't accurate enough for us to risk the most precious thing about our relationship

Hubby tells me his opinions on everything to do with bubba and i wouldnt have it any other way

This is something weve made together, not just me

 

[EllieBelle]

But he tries as much as he can..like saying "put the phone to bump so she knows my voice" bless.

Thats is just so lovely..........!!!

 

[widowwadman]

I keep getting told by people how I am going to be when the baby is born and how I won't want to let my husband do anything and will be really controling with the baby. I know I won't, I'm not like that but I think this is the way a lot of women are and that's why men get pushed out a lot.

It's probably the same kind of people who are a bit surprised when they hear that I want to go back to work and can't imagine being a full time SAHM. They keep telling me that I'll change my opinion once it's born. Nope, I don't think so, and I don't think I'll be a worse mum because of this.

@Ninjawomble: I imagine it must be quite difficult for the two of you, pregnant or not. I've had a long distance relationship before I moved to the UK to be with the bloke and found it sometimes quite hard and Germany is nowhere near as far away as Iraq. I think it's great that your OH phones the bump, too though.

 

[Sherlock]

Interesting post and thread

My hubby was involved every step of the way. From choosing pram and car seat to clothes, toys and other things. Also regarding any tests I had to have. If we were given any presents I'd leave some for him to open also.

He skipped my MW appointments mostly as tbh there were boring and he really didn't need to be there. He came to 3 of them with me in the latter stages as we were preparing for a homebirth and he wanted to discuss some things with our MW.

A big part of our opting for homebirth was so he could be totally involved and play an active part in helping our baby come in to the world. It was something we did together. He loved every moment of it. We always talked about it being our decision, not mine, to people and he fully supported me in it and at both our growth scans and consults he also talked to the doctors and expressed his opnion etc.

I think men can feel as included or excluded as they want really. Some men just don't want to be involved in the pregnancy process and there are maybe not too many men who can coo over baby clothes more than once or twice without their eyes staring into space. My hubby is one of those When it comes to clothes he really doesn't have an opinion and nor does he want me to be asking him if he likes every outfit I am about to order. He just tells me if he really doesn't like something once it goes on LO.

He also tried feeding expressed breast milk a few times and admitted he didn't find it bonding and felt closer to our LO when he cuddled and talked to him or did things like that. That he didn't really get anything from feeding him. Was fine, I'm more than happy to BF and do that bit.

 

[Bexie]

Agree with Sherlock, interesting thread.

Some aspects of my pregnancy my OH is really interested in, but others he takes no interest in what-so-ever. With this pregnancy strangly he has taken more of an interest in my growing bump than he did with our daughter. Perhaps this is because he is now more aware of the wonderful being that we will get to meet once they are born, I don't know!

He has no interest in clothes, scan pics, helping to choose a name (at this stage) and he certainly isn't intersted in attending my antenatal appointments, although I know my midwife would make him feel very welcome (she's lovely).

Regarding baby equipment we are sorted as our DD is only 17 months, although we do need to buy a new buggy and admittedly I haven't involved him in the decision process. Having read this thread, tonight I am going to go home and try and engage his thoughts on the type/style of buggy we buy.

 

[xmcnickyx]

Regarding baby equipment we are sorted as our DD is only 17 months, although we do need to buy a new buggy and admittedly I haven't involved him in the decision process. Having read this thread, tonight I am going to go home and try and engage his thoughts on the type/style of buggy we buy.

The pram is the one thing my husband seems to have strong feelings about. He will probably use it a lot more than me so he wants to approve it before we get it. All he cares about is the wheels though Every pram we look at he approves or not depending on how good the wheels look.

I saw a gorgeous pram that I loved but his other stipulation was that the pram didn't make him look 'too gay' Have decided on a Quinny now but he still wants to see it and have a go before we buy it.

 

[chickadee1976]

Brian has no interest in clothes and most baby items. The only thing he really seems interested in is the car seat, i think he reckons the car is mans domain.

He likes being able to feel the kicks and "talks" to bump, nothing very meaningful , more its your father here and hello.
He has started to take an interest in the birth now, i think its kinda crept up on him and he has just realised that i will have a baby at some point and ive not just been making it up the past few months.

He will be great at birth and as a dad, think it might be me that has the problem sharing MY baby

 

[lea m]

[I saw a gorgeous pram that I loved but his other stipulation was that the pram didn't make him look 'too gay' .

Aint that kind of ironic?! Hes pushing his baby around in a pram and doesnt want to look too gay!? hahaha

 

[Baby&i]

Im not sure it is society that excludes men from being involved, but more men themselves (or how they were in the past)!! Although times are changing.

I was going to say the same thing!
My OH is involved in everything from what clothes I buy to the pram and the birth everything! But I must say that ultimatly its my decision because Im mum

Exactly, just like me and my OH. He wanted the pushchair with the coffee cup holder i didnt agree and said it was unsafe to have coffee above babies head! although it would probably be used for a bottle of water really, but i fell in love with the other three weeler travel system it was sheepskin lined and very cozy with super cute footmuffs for carseat and pushchair and thought it was waaaay better option for a christmas baby he hates the damn thing and cant complain about it enough its too bulky blablabla but its exactly the same size as the other just one less wheel
and MCnicky i got the exact same comment at the scan when found out it was a girl aln also *were not having two pink rooms!!*

 

[Jimmer]

My partner is very involved - but then she is pregnant!!!

I suppose the very fact that I am on this forum means I am very involved, and just enjoying the fact that I am going to be a Daddy (still astonishes me to think of me being called that!!!).

All men react differently in the same way that all women react differently to the pregnancy. Unfortunately, men arent the ones carrying the baby so can pretend not to be involved if they dont want to. It is a huge shame that some men dont want to 'be seen to be caring' - I really think it is something they are hugely missing out on. I was reading one book on the birth yesterday and it says that just after the LO is born, if I am holding the baby, it is a good time while my wife gets sorted out to just go to a quiet corner and have a special couple of minutes with my new baby. That will be one of the most amazing few minutes of my life, and I wouldnt miss it for the world.

Jimmer

 

[Becky]

My OH was very involved with our first pregnancy, he came to all the appointments and helped make all the decisions about prams and cots etc. which was great and we really enjoyed making all the choices together.

This time he's only come with me to the scan appointments and as we have all the equipment we don't really have anything to choose in that way but he's still excited and interested.

He has strong ideas about names etc. so we're currently in discussion about that

 

[Bexie]

.....although we do need to buy a new buggy and admittedly I haven't involved him in the decision process. Having read this thread, tonight I am going to go home and try and engage his thoughts on the type/style of buggy we buy.

Well, last night I brought up buying a buggy with my OH and asked him what style/features he would like and his response was he didn't care as long as it wasn't pink!!