Making Me Feel Crap

[dannii87]

Hi ladies! Hopefully, this will just be a quick one! (For once!)

My step dad is great with Evie, he adores her & LOVES having her! BUT, it's almost like he needs to prove to me that Evie loves him iykwim?!

If I ask him to have her for 5 minutes while I nip to the loo or make some toast, he follows me around (obv not to the loo ) and I think "I just wanted 5 mins break! Leave me alone!" and whenever she's unsettled and will only settle when she's being held, he follows me and mumbles (but loud enough for me to hear) "Oh Evie, all you wanted was Grandad's cuddle" as if Mummy's cuddle won't cut the mustard He doesn't mean it, but he makes me feel like a shit mum!!!

I've had to tell him to stop peering in her moses basket/pram when she's asleep and I'm doing something because he purposely tries to wake her up so that HE can comfort her and show me that she settles when he holds her if that makes sense?! He'll cough loudly or make a shadow over her face so she stirs...

He's just taken her while I made toast and he kept saying "She's fine now, all she needs is a cuddle Dan" and I said "yes, I know Martin, BUT I can't cuddle her 24 hours a day" and he said "Grandad's cuddles always do the trick"

It's like he wants to be her saviour, the one she runs to when she's upset and the one to comfort her when she's crying. But only on his terms! He won't offer to take her when she's screaming! Oh noooo....

He's also a bit jealous of my Mum with Evie. In a wierd way, it's like he's always giving little jibes (he pretends to be joking, but he's not) like "Ha! She's not even looking at you Anne" and "I swear she smiled for me earlier. Has she smiled for you yet? No?" and if my Mum goes to coo over Evie while he's holding her, he'll kind of back off and tell her he's just settled her and she doesn't need disturbing

He's really irritating me!!!! xxx

 

[choklatemunky]

Dannii,
It really sounds like he has a real need to be 'important' and so has to keep inventing things to make him feel like that....
I dont know what you can do tbh, just keep pointing out things to him (i.e. about waking Evie up when she's in her basket) and reminding him that its not vey good for her to be woken, or maybe give him a dose of his own medicine, and when you have her in your arms then say stuff out loud about how Mummy's cuddles make her happy or something or about how she has done something for you that she hasn't done for him?
Maybe he will just back off of his own accord and get bored of it after a while, but if not then you might have to say something, as its not right that he's making you feel rubbish

 

[tuck]

My MIL is exactly the same it drives me mad, specially when I get told that she loves her 'yaya' (greek for grandmother), the best . I'm lucky we dont live with her else I would have gone mad by know, I just grin and bear it and as Evie gets older it'll be you she turns to at the important times.

 

[nori]

aww bless ya.. that would be irritating but even more so when you probably havent had a great deal of sleep. I think he probably just wants to feel important. Id just tell him in a nice way that she needs to be left alone when she needs to sleep. Im sure the novelty will wear off..i suppose at least hes making an effort even if it is p!ssing you off!

Hope its going ok with your dad and his girlfriend too!

Claire x

 

[trixipaws]

my dad is the same. i dont mind tho i like that he's as obsessed with millie as i am, i feel happy to leave her with him for the 2 days a week that me and my boyf both work. bless, im sure he doesnt mean to piss u off

 

[mamichuli]

Aww hun, I am sure he IS driving you insane - it would me! Funny, Tuck's parallel is interesting...your description made me think of a mediterranean MIL (my ex and family are spanish - I know what I am on about!) They are over the top in every way. i suggest you sit him down and lay down a few ground rules, kindly but firmly.

Lisa

 

[Quill]

To be honest, the comments would irritate me too!

It's hard enough being a new mother without someone criticizing (however subtly). And interference makes it worse - let sleeping babies lie! Any way somebody else in your family could talk to him privately and tell him gently to cut back on these comments and waking her up?

Why can't some people just enjoy babies without obsessing or making a mind game out of it?! They are only little for such a short period of time as it is! Hope he backs off soon and gives you a break

 

[HappyAlice]

think it's a grandparent thing, they've had their kids and now have the luxury of spoiling their grandkids but handing them over when they get too much. We'll probably all be the same when we're grandparents

 

[Mik]

I wonder whether he is trying to prove that just cos he is not your natural dad he is still Evie's grandad maybe he is afraid of being pushed out. I agree with sitting down and having a quick chat with him but let him know that he is Evie's grandad and always will be even though he isn't your dad.
We had a similar thing with my MIL's husband and it was hard as my husband does not get on with him but the kids adore him and he has always been Grandpa to them even though they understand now that he is not Dad's dad. Strangely we didn't have this with FIL's wife she was far more secure and didn't need to be constantly proving she was nana.