losing babies = losing friends

[Corrinne37]

Hi girls,
I bumped into two old friends yesterday in the park.

One was pregnant and due the same time as the first baby i lost - her baby is now 15mths.
the other friend was pregnant and due the same time as the 2nd baby I lost - her baby is now 4 months old. They are good friends with each other and used to be with me.

After my 2nd miscarriage, I did distance myself from the weekly baby and toddler group where we all met and used to meet up and then go for coffee etc .
It all become too much for me as pretty much all the mums were on their second baby.

So I bumped into these girls yesterday, and it had been awhile. But i was pleased to see them and thought we would have a chat, and say hi , how have you been etc.

They both said hello, said hello to my little boy, commented on how he had grown and then went straight back into conversation with each other! Blanking me!

I felt really hurt and put out by this.
Do you think they felt awkward as they know of my situation, they were there with their kids, do you think they pity me??

 

[Happyfeet]

Oh hun, I' sorry for your losses

I don't think they pity you at all, they probably just have no idea how to broach things with you, is it ok to mention it, should they say anything, how do you feel about it, you might just not want it mentioned and also, what sort of conversations are ok. I bet they just feel awkward an don't want to put their foot in their mouths. They probably also think that because you took yourself out of the group, that it is too painful for you to be around them.

It's not easy for you I know, I've lost 6 and have been around all of the awkward poses and conversations etc.. I think maybe you should talk to them and explain how you feel.

It'd be good to clear the air, and all get back on track as friends. Hugs to you, hope things get sorted out soon xxx

 

[Corrinne37]

Oh hun, I' sorry for your losses

I don't think they pity you at all, they probably just have no idea how to broach things with you, is it ok to mention it, should they say anything, how do you feel about it, you might just not want it mentioned and also, what sort of conversations are ok. I bet they just feel awkward an don't want to put their foot in their mouths. They probably also think that because you took yourself out of the group, that it is too painful for you to be around them.

It's not easy for you I know, I've lost 6 and have been around all of the awkward poses and conversations etc.. I think maybe you should talk to them and explain how you feel.

It'd be good to clear the air, and all get back on track as friends. Hugs to you, hope things get sorted out soon xxx

Thanks for your reply happyfeet,

My goodness 6 loses, 2 has emotionally wrecked me inside, the 2nd more than the first, so that must be awful. Do you ever get numb to it or does each one hurt more.

After my first it took a long time for me to let go, remembering every week pregnant I would of been. It was only after the 9mths had passed I managed to conceive again.

I vowed id be stronger after the 2nd, and I felt I was to start with, but it still took me so long to let go. This sadness just sat in my chest that wouldnt go. I only feel it has started to now. It even longer this time !

Can you (or anyone else) relate to that?

I dont think I can be good friends again with these girls, as seeing their children just reminds me of what I would of had, and hits home how long this whole thing has been going on for me. That pain in my chest comes back.
I just wanted a little chat with them. xx

 

[CARNAT22]

Hi Corinne sweetie,

Long time no hear, I hope you are OK?

I have to be frank and it sounds as though these two "friends" were probably never really true friends.

None of my long term friends shied away from me at any point (granted I kept my 2nd and 3rd loss quiet from most friends until only recently but the friends I told were wonderful)

It could well be that they didn't know what to say to you and how to react but that is no reason to effectively ignore you now?

I have two friends that had babies within weeks of what would have been my first EDD, however I am quite lucky in that the kiddies have never reminded me of what I lost. I have always seen them as being totally separate to what happened to me, but I know I am lucky to be able to make that separation.

Try not to dwell on it though hun, you've got through some very tough times without these ladies.

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Corrinne37]

Hi Corinne sweetie,

Long time no hear, I hope you are OK?

I have to be frank and it sounds as though these two "friends" were probably never really true friends.

None of my long term friends shied away from me at any point (granted I kept my 2nd and 3rd loss quiet from most friends until only recently but the friends I told were wonderful)

It could well be that they didn't know what to say to you and how to react but that is no reason to effectively ignore you now?

I have two friends that had babies within weeks of what would have been my first EDD, however I am quite lucky in that the kiddies have never reminded me of what I lost. I have always seen them as being totally separate to what happened to me, but I know I am lucky to be able to make that separation.

Try not to dwell on it though hun, you've got through some very tough times without these ladies.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Carnat,
Yes Im really good thanks!
I have had some well needed breaks from ttc and from the website.
Back hard at ttc - so you know the ups and downs of that.!
Cant believe how far along you are now - so pleased for you it must feel wonderful!

I think you are right, as I have another friend from the group who I see all the time and she had twins. Their birthday is 2 weeks later than my first EDD. (bit early as twins)
I love being around her two, it doesnt bother me at all.
(or maybe its because I dont envy her with a toddler and twins - all boys!)

I dont know its just one of those things, I just thought they were really off.
But blah! like you say I dont need friends like that.

Take care hun, hope to chat to you again soon xx

 

[Corrinne37]

P.s How many weeks are you exactly now? Are you team yellow? x

 

[Happyfeet]

To be completely honest, I ended up expecting it to end that way, when I'd get a bfp I'd not be happy or excited about a baby coming. I can't quite recall when this became the norm. I don't think I took it as badly as you did, I wanted to move on as quickly as possible. It still hurt each time, and I often think about it all.

Maybe it's because my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, then I had my two daughters, I don't know, but it's like I knew it would happen one day (it has, I'm now 12 weeks into my 9th pregnancy, just checked baby's hb - doing well).

Don't beat yourself up about it, there is no right or wrong time to grieve, everyone copes in different ways. Have you thought about speaking to your Doctor about how you're feeling? You might be able to go to bereavement counselling, a lot of women find it really helps them.

I really hope that you can start to feel better soon xxx

 

[Corrinne37]

I think my age puts a lot of pressure on me, and also I really had convince OH to have another.
He ' s not really that bothered. (or so he says but he has also been very cut up after MC)
I have to convince him to try again.

Also, i had no probs my first pg, so was a big shock, I thought MC was something you suffered from or not, or if a cple was incompatible or something, so naive about it all.

Then I thought it was just a one off, 2nd time Id be fine. If I were to get PG I will adopt the same attitude as you.
This might not be ok, kind of thing.

Someone also told me its like a knitting patter, drop 2 , have one, drop one, have two .kind of thing!!

So glad all is well this time, good luck xx

 

[CARNAT22]

I think a break was in order - now you can get back in the saddle?

I see you are trying SMEP, I never got round to it but I've heard wonderful things about it so it is well worth a shot.

I am sorry that these women have hurt your feelings, it is unfair of them but so many people just do not know how to behave around women that have suffered losses? It is not an excuse though - I'd never shun a friend because she had a loss and needed some time out..

I am glad you have other friends around you though, they are the people that matter.

Time is flying, 28w and yep team yellow still - eeek!

xxxxxxxxx

 

[MrsCow]

Hello lovely, so sorry for ur losses. I lost a baby at 10 weeks which would have been due on the 27th of this month, so am revving up for that date, get more tearful the closer it approaches!! Hoping that once it has passed Ill be alot better!

I have 2 healthy boys and was a shock to mc, thought same as u, it wouldnt happen to someone like me as I had carried 2 healthy pregnancies. Just goes to show, and I think when u actually talk about it to people, u would be surprised how many people its happened to !

Hubby and me are more reluctant to try again but are ntnp. I am an older mum (42 years young lol!) . So am quite aware of pressure with age etc.

I would say re. ur " friends" , maybe to bring up the conversations urself? If u are that bothered to continue with there friendship, not sure I would be, Im sure u will meet lots of other lovely people along the way on ur parenting journey.

Good luck to ur ttc, dont give up if its really what u want xxx

 

[Corrinne37]

I think a break was in order - now you can get back in the saddle?

I see you are trying SMEP, I never got round to it but I've heard wonderful things about it so it is well worth a shot.

I am sorry that these women have hurt your feelings, it is unfair of them but so many people just do not know how to behave around women that have suffered losses? It is not an excuse though - I'd never shun a friend because she had a loss and needed some time out..

I am glad you have other friends around you though, they are the people that matter.

Time is flying, 28w and yep team yellow still - eeek!

xxxxxxxxx

time is flying !!
yes managed to smep to the letter, first time ever!
so we will see - one week to go!

xx

 

[Corrinne37]

Hello lovely, so sorry for ur losses. I lost a baby at 10 weeks which would have been due on the 27th of this month, so am revving up for that date, get more tearful the closer it approaches!! Hoping that once it has passed Ill be alot better!

I have 2 healthy boys and was a shock to mc, thought same as u, it wouldnt happen to someone like me as I had carried 2 healthy pregnancies. Just goes to show, and I think when u actually talk about it to people, u would be surprised how many people its happened to !

Hubby and me are more reluctant to try again but are ntnp. I am an older mum (42 years young lol!) . So am quite aware of pressure with age etc.

I would say re. ur " friends" , maybe to bring up the conversations urself? If u are that bothered to continue with there friendship, not sure I would be, Im sure u will meet lots of other lovely people along the way on ur parenting journey.

Good luck to ur ttc, dont give up if its really what u want xxx

hi mrs cow,
yes feels much better when the EDD has been and gone.
thanks for your reply, yes i dont think they are really good friends so whatever eh!
Good luck for you too, xx

 

[Happyfeet]

I think my age puts a lot of pressure on me, and also I really had convince OH to have another.
He ' s not really that bothered. (or so he says but he has also been very cut up after MC)
I have to convince him to try again.

Also, i had no probs my first pg, so was a big shock, I thought MC was something you suffered from or not, or if a cple was incompatible or something, so naive about it all.

Then I thought it was just a one off, 2nd time Id be fine. If I were to get PG I will adopt the same attitude as you.
This might not be ok, kind of thing.

Someone also told me its like a knitting patter, drop 2 , have one, drop one, have two .kind of thing!!

So glad all is well this time, good luck xx

He's probably scared for you, my Husband was for me, couldn't stand seeing it happen again and again.

I thought my first mc after my second daughter was born was a one off too, that, and my very first one were the ones that got to me the most. They were the most unexpected. It was so strange though, with all five consecutive losses I've had, I knew each time that the pregnancy was doomed, even if it didn't always want to admit it, it was just a gut feeling. With this pregnancy I didn't have that feeling, again I didn't want to admit it but I thought it would be OK and we would finally get our third baby.

Thank you for the well wishes, I really hope your next pregnancy is your good one and you get your long awaited little baby xxx

 

[longingforabump]

I know how you feel. All y friends now have babies None of them had problems falling pregnant and fell straight away and I still don't have kids and I was the first to get pregnant. My best friend is wonderful and her kids are my god kids but my other friend is rubbing my face in her new pregnancy so I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 months as she couldn't muster up the energy to see how my hospital appointment went but could muster up the energy to moan about how she didn't want to drive to Asda as she felt sick from her pregnancy! She's my oh's cousin so I can't ignore her forever! I moved to be with my oh so I don't have many friends (any really!) here and it's even harder that I come with 'emotional baggage'

 

[kiwifrootkai]

I'm sorry for your losses hun, and that your "friends" hurt you like that.
I find myself resenting friends that I have that can make the decision so easily to have a child..3yrs on from my loss and I still don't feel as if I can bring myself to open myself up to that heartbreak again. Even today I found out a good friend is pregnant (my mum told me) and I hate myself for it but I just am dreading hearing from her. It makes me feel so inferior

xo