Just needed to vent some concerns really

[Spartanette]

Sorry, I don't want to draw attention from other people's threads, but I felt the need to discuss this and maybe get some advice or something.

Anyway, when I was 18 I got pregnant by accident, and had a miscarriage very early in. It was particularly horrible, as I had it in the father's house (there was blood everywhere, it was horrible), who then turfed me out the front door, put me on a bus and didn't speak to me for a year. I can't actually remember getting home because I was in such a mess.
My friends and family never found out, and I dealt with it all by myself. It completely broke my heart, especially finding out within a year that two of my close friends were expecting babies and carried them both to term.

After it happened I completely hated children for years, and always ranted about how I never wanted them and that I'd be a rubbish mother anyway, but it always made me really sad and angry that I felt this way.

Anyway, I've been seeing a lovely man for a while, and he wants to settle down and have kids, and I've really warmed to the idea (hence me joining this forum, haha), but I'm still hurting from my miscarriage, even though it was 3 years ago. I worry that I'll be a terrible mother, or that I'll hate the baby (even though I obviously don't want that) or about stupid things like if I didn't have a boy, would I not love that baby as much as I should.

I'm really nervous about getting pregnant, but I do want to be a mum. I was just so cold and horrible for ages after my miscarriage that my friends would tell me that I'd be an appalling mother and that they could never see me having kids anyway.

I dunno, I think I just need some encouragement here. I want so badly to be an awesome mother, but I'm scared that I won't be because of my miscarriage and how it affected me.

Any advice? Or help?

Sorry if this is an annoyingly long and dull post, by the way.

 

[trixipaws]

i never had a m/c (unless i had one so very early mistook it for period! i'll never kno!) but i just wanted to say that i understand some of what u say- i hated kids too! and i was EXTREMELY worried when i was pregnant that i'd hate the baby and i'd get PND. i just thought i was the type. but i'm happy to tell u that did not happen- i am head over heels in love with my little girl and i'v shocked my boyf, my family, my friends and most of all myself- by turning from the unlikeliest mother in the world ever- to my whole life revolving around motherhood and loving it! hence my post count on here even tho im not pregnant i can waffle on about it for everrrrrrrr!

i hope i help u feel reassured! ps. ur friends were a bit insensitive saying those things and the ex-babydaddy behaved appalingly, glad u found a nice man now

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Here anytime you need to talk (sorry im not much good at long replies tonite hun, not too good myself)

Am good at listening and no what your going through

 

[dina.marie]

having a mc is an awful ordeal for the most of us but ur experience must have been even worse when the father treated you like that. i can understand how much its affected you and made you feel resentful of other people havin babies, felt like that myself. but look how different your circumstances are now, im sure ur going to make a wonderful mother. those memories will always be with you but dont let it affect you now, having a baby is an amazing time in your life, u dont want to look back and realise you ruinned it because of a past experience, enjoy it.

 

[Valley Girl]

You poor thing - being tortured by things that you don't understand from the past is absolutely awful.

Having got through lots of life's shocks and complications, like nearly everyone, I know how things which have traumatised me in the passed have haunted me and continue to do so in some ways.

I have learned, however, that sometimes the only way you can completely dispell your worries, fears and anxieties about a change in your life, is to actually let time carry you through it. I'll try and explain what I mean.

At the moment your only experience of pregnancy is that awful series of events that happened when you were 18. The ONLY way you can change that is to have a new experience of being pregnant and for it to be different. I'm not saying you should rush into anything until you are ready, but I am saying that you need to put those events into one lump and associate them with the circumstances at that time. If you are now in a relationship with a loving man, that situation can never reoccur. Because, God forbid, if you were ever to miscarry again you would have th love and support of your partner, and you would deal with it together, not be punished yourself and left to suffer all the pain alone.

For the vast majority of people, the love and total devotion they feel for their baby makes them wonderful parents. We all make mistakes, we all get things wrong, but we all do our very best because we love our children so much. You will be just the same, and with a loving partner your whole experience of pregnancy and becoming a family will change.

I would say to you, be patient with yourself and let time and a new experience change the way you feel. Your worries won't completely go away until you have done it.

I hope that makes sense, and good luck!! You'll be fine.

 

[Spartanette]

Thanks everyone, especially Valley Girl. You seemed to sum up what I was feeling really well.

It's particularly painful today, because I found out that a girl who tortured me at school and after is expecting a baby, and she's such an appalling person that it's just not fair. She's someone who's been in trouble with the police so much that it's stupid, a druggie, and who hangs around with a 61 year old paedophile.
It just seems so unfair that someone that disgusting and awful just randomly gets to have a child, but other people in the world don't get that chance.
I want to cry, I really do.

 

[FinleysMum]

Hi hun,
It's understandable to feel this way. Before I fell pregnant and even after, I was positive I would not love my kids as much as I loved my niece.
That proved to be just total rubbish, but it's normal to feel nervous about parenthood.
I am sure you will be a fantastic mum and all the nice girls around here will be here for you too!
loads of hugs to you

 

[Valley Girl]

You're more than welcome. I'm glad it made sense.

I think your subconcious made you behave as if you 'hate' children to protect you. It's the way you kept them at arms reach and out of your face so you didn't have to deal with it head on. What happened to you is a very hard thing to recover from. I think it was just a natural response.

I think also the reason you are probably so upset now is because you are letting that guard down and are being faced with it again.

Don't expect miracles from yourself. xxx