Just letting it out....

[monkeynut]

...,because having moved to a completely new area 3 months ago (OH's home town) I have no friends and no one to talk to.

Some of you may remember my thread about OH messaging a (female) friend on Facebook- all innocent to read just hurtful(comments made about never wanting to marry me).

Well 3 weeks ago she sent me a message (I don't know her) saying my OH needs to rest and I should not make him do everything and I can rest during the day (when he is at work). Well I erupted on my OH and asked wtf he had been telling her to make her think he does everything and I do nothing with my baby! And why was she messaging me!??

He showed me their message convo and it turned out she was just shit stirring for some reason, my oh asked her why she messages me and basically had a go- she denied it and HE BELIEVED her... Even though I showed him the message!!!

We sort of resolved it and then last week I was awake with Leo in the night, Was supposed to be OH turn on night feeds but he wasn't stirring so I made a narky comment about this incident and we had a massive row- biggest we have ever had I think...he then (unbeknown to me at the time- messages this woman saying that he has to delete her as a friend as his "ungrateful girlfriend" is kicking up a fuss but they can text from time to time.

Roll on 2 hours later and I am wide awake as we have gone to bed on a row and I can't sleep, I get a message from her with his message copy and pasted... Cue me waking him up and going mad at him! He tries to defend calling me ungrateful and eventually sees how hurtful it is him messaging her (he doesn't even fucking know her properly and hasn't seen her in 10 years!) he couldn't tell me exactly what I am ungrateful for!

There was a lot of tears and he apologised and talked through things that were bothering us and then it turned into (I didn't realise this at the time) a list from him about things that I do that cause rows...makes me angry now thinking about it as he was the one in the wrong...

So... Those incidences have made me lose some of the trust, make me start doubting whether he does love me etc.

We went out for the first time on Saturday- he literally spent about 30 minutes of the whole night near me (we were in a big group of his friends) he was nicer and talked more to his female friends than he did to me.

I mentioned this to him the morning after and he said the reason he didn't spend much time with me is because he hasn't seen his friends in ages and was catching up with them etc.

He never seems to want to spend time with me (quality time) he doesn't say two words to me when we are out together (last night we went to see a comedian with our friends- a couple) while waiting for act to come on they were talking and interacting like a normal couple- my OH was sat there messing with his phone and didn't say two words to me-his friend picked up on this and made a semi serious joke about it but my OH just carried on...

I feel like if this carries on it is the end of the road- am I wrong to be thinking that he broke my trust so he should be the one putting the effort in to repair it?

I keep saying to him "ate you actually going to act like you enjoy my company or be nice to me for once" ... Nothing changes- I think he genuinely doesn't see anything wrong.

(Just to add, he's not nasty and we have had a mostly great relationship until this- he does have his plus sides I'm just struggling to see them right now)

 

[VikkiR]

I feel for you. You are at a vulnerable stage in your life and this is the last thing you need. As you have a young baby I'd be tempted to advise you to give it a few months, let the dust settle and get into the rhythm of being new parents before making any rash decisions. That said, I'm not sure I'd be so forgiving. It sounds like he's emotionally cheated on you and I don't know if that makes things better or worse. Some men just seem to crave female attention, sometimes it leads them to have affairs, sometimes the do it to make themselves feel good. It might have been a one off, but then if he's not trying to make things right with you then what's the point of hanging around on the off chance he might change. From my experience they rarely do change and I know I'd rather go it alone than be constantly looking over my shoulder all the time. I've been there, done that for far too long once before. The only regret I had about that relationship was not ending years sooner, but then I didn't have a lo. I think you might need to Set yourself a time limit and if nothing has changed for the better then perhaps that is the time to go it alone. So sorry Hun, I hope you can both work it out and be in a place where you're both fulfilled and happy x

 

[monkeynut]

Thank you, It's not a 'one off' as I caught him out last year chatting to a woman online. I don't think he will or has cheated on me but then again how do I know? I can't trust him 100% anymore... I had just managed to build the trust back up again after last year and then it happens again (even though the content of the messages wasn't too bad you are right, it does feel like he emotionally cheated).

It hasn't really been mentioned the last few days as he has been at work, he's off now until weds though so I'm hoping we can talk- I just want him to put more effort into the relationship and to show that he is sorry (he did buy me a present the other day but I want showing emotionally rather than materially).

I don't plan on leaving him because of this, but if in 6 months he is still the same then I'm not sure we can continue.

 

[xkmummyxx]

Aw Hun not good, his is a bit extreme but have you threatened to leave ? Me and my oh became very routine and he didn't touch me only hen he wanted sex so I finished with him - best decision of my life! We broke up for 5 weeks were back to ether and better than ever he sai he didn't realise how much he loved me until he didn't have me - obviously this doesn't work for everyone but mayb a threat would scare him? - as for him textin this women omg Hun feel so sorry for you! That fact that she texts you aswell! As he completely delteted her number now? Xxx

 

[LoopyLouize]

To be honest I can totally see where you are coming from. I would be just as hurt if my OH was treating me this way. Has he cut of contact from this women since? X

 

[danilegury]

Oh boy... Listen i perosnally believe that we live in a world were anything can happen. Cheating is one of them.

I know you might believe that he still is the one cause he is the father of your child. But you have to understand that sometimes you need to go with the flow. (sorry i'm using that lightly)

maybe he just isn't the man for you or your child.

 

[monkeynut]

Oh I'm not just sticking around because we have a child together.... I will leave if it comes to that. I think giving it 6 months is a little generous- we had a row earlier and now I'm just waiting for him to ask what's wrong (which he will) and then I am going to sit him down and tell him I can't carry on like this and that things have to change or we go our seperate ways.

 

[xkmummyxx]

Aw Hun hope everything's goes ok and you sort things out one big chat might give him a kick up the ass xxx

 

[monkeynut]

We had a long chat last night and neither of us got too upset or angry which was good as it meant we talked properly. He seemed to take things on board and instantly things felt 'normal' again, I felt wanted and appreciated and it was nice to just be 'us' again... We even DTD for the first time since LO! Lol.

I know it's only day 1 and we have a long way to go but we're both feeling really positive now.

 

[monkeynut]

Huge argument today again, I don't things are ever going to change. It started because he got arsey as I would hold LO while he had a nap, then the insults start about how I am "such a task" to deal with. I told him if he doesn't like it then leave as I can't carry on like this.
He then took Leo upstairs and cuddles him until he went to sleep( this was just a minute ago) so I went up and yeh I did have a go because I'm trying to get him into a bedtime routine and now he won't be tired (I can't wake him up) he just doesn't think. I'm sick of being the 'bad one' all the time.