Im struggling.

[Eryinera]

I thought I was doing well just waiting for hubby to get his head around things and maybe try again. But today I don't know why I just broke down. I just I've cone to the realisation that it may never happen. I feel so upset I actually feel like I'm going to be sick. I have zero interest in anything at the moment. The only thing in my mind is seeing so much baby related things and my heart feel physically shattered. I know I'll be ok in an hour and laugh at myself but these waves keep happening. Both my angels have stolen a piece of my heart and that piece will always be missing. I just left my fertile time for this month so I think that's what had got me - the first month in nearly a year we havnt been trying pregnant or misscarrying. We won't be having kids after I've turned 30 so if anything was going to happen there are only 9 more attempts and I doubt hubby will change his mind in the near future and if we try to avoid Xmas then the attempts dwindle even more. So I guess this is me. Facing facts. I'm not going to be a mum again. And if that is the case im in the mind set that I dunno I want things to be final I sort of want to tell the doctor to take everything away so I just can't have one. I don't like false hope it's been a bitch to me. Currently I'm not even a fan of hope. I just want the world to go away and to stop tormenting me.

 

[Clementine]

Hi Eryinera, you have had a tough road, we all have down days, it's all an emotional rollercoaster, however listen to your body, if you feel overwhelmed by everything that has happened ask you GP to refer you to a counsellor as it may help to talk things through with a stranger. They would give you the support you need.

After my first MMC, I started doing Mindfulness by Mark Williams, I found it really helpful and it helped me get through my 2nd MMC. I'm not sure why you're stopping TTC at 30, I only met my hubby when I was coming 39 and Im now 42, I know statistically the odds of BFP are lower and problems are higher but my consultant has insisted that lots of women over 40 have healthy babies. So try not to put yourself under a time pressure when you are 29.

Take care, sending you lots of positive thoughts x

 

[yummymummy80]

awww hugs eryinera,

I know exactly how you feel hun. im so sorry that you keep getting your bouts of being down I know its not easy x personally I think you will always get down days I know I do where I just burst into tears, maybe cause its still raw in your mind?

I know you say u don't want ttc after your 30 but u also say u have 9 attempts left, I wouldn't look at as attempts but in those 9 months just have fun ntnp and you never know x

hope you feel better hun and pm me if you want x

 

[Babybumpwanted]

Hi E!!

So sorry you are feeling so down!! It is such an emotional rollercoaster!! I felt like that a couple of weeks ago and at the time you feel like you will never feel any better but you do!!!! Its up and down I know!!!

I think that deadline and pressure you are putting on yourself won't be helping at all....Im convinced me being a complete stress head has effected my fertility!! (I am diagnosed with unexplained infertility)! I am about to turn 30 next month, got pregnant once after IVF in Feb and have been really working on trying to chill out and take the pressure off myself and planning other things to look forward!!

It is soo easy to get to that point where your whole world starts to revolve around getting pregnant and that is soo stressful!!! Try to focus on all the other good things in your life!!

Thinking of you xx

 

[Eryinera]

The main reason for the deadline is my son's age and potential she gap. The fact my mum went through early menopause and Im at high risk of developing cancer at an earlyish age and I don't want to leave my partner with a teenager to handle by himself! I'm trying to maintain a positive carefree attitude is tough but doable. I know I get pregnant easy enough it's just keeping it that seems to be an issue im hoping 3rd time lucky. Im just not feeling it at the moment I'm not in a dark a place as I was a few days ago but its still there.

 

[Rose83]

I saw a counsellor after my two losses and it really helped just to have someone to tell everything to who was outside of it all. I think my breaking point came the month I thought I had 'done everything right' and still didn't get a BFP. I was putting huge pressure on myself in every way and then when it didn't happen I feel like a lightbulb went off in my head and I realised it would happen one month regardless of how ridiculously planned out our sex life was etc. So the next cycle I figured that I should stop being so crazy and trying to control the situation and just go with the flow a bit more, and that cycle I was successful. I didn't believe people who said relaxing helps but I really think it does. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get this done by a certain point and we don't realise that we are actually doing ourselves more harm than good.

Also one of the things the counsellor told me to stop doing was saying 'what if' x happens, 'what if' I do this...I totally understand your reasons for wanting to stop trying at 30 but it does sound like you have maybe scared yourself into a deadline with a lot of 'what ifs'. Wishing you all the luck in the world for the next 9 cycles and go easy on yourself xx