I don't feel I can cope :(

[Jadey]

I have 2 Daughters who are nearly 4 and 7. I'm a single parent, but they go to their Dads one night a week.

Lately, they have become really difficult to be around. There's so much stuff swirling around in my head so I will try to keep it simple.

DD1

She's nearly 7. She has glue ear and Drs keep fobbing me off to wait another 3 months after each visit to the hospital to see if it clears on it's own, it hasn't and on the 16th is her final appointment for a decision about grommets. I know it's not her fault but she's constantly turning up the tv, shouting and getting frustrated. She tries to speak to me and conversation is difficult, she sounds like she's constantly got a snotty nose, not sure if that's something to do with her ear. She's also constantly asking for things, can I do my breakfast? No, I will do it in a second, straight after breakfast, what's for dinner? It's not dinner time yet! But I'm hungry! That's it then, the whole day I'm depressed and crying because that is what every day consists of and I'm sick of it. No matter how much I explain its not dinner time yet, it's not tea time yet, it doesn't stop the constant asking for food! She asks for fruit in between meals, but if I said yes every time there would be no fruit left. I'm sick of the feet stamping and yes bits every time I tell her no or to wait for something. I'm mentally exhausted. She expects all of this stuff from me every minute of every day and if I ask her to tidy her room or to pick up her things, all I get is "I get bored doing that" I get angry to the point I shout "well I get bored cooking and cleaning and washing your clothes and getting your uniform ready and buying things you need". Nothing gets through to her to make her realise how demanding she is. Her attitude stinks, She slams my doors out of anger.

DD2

She's nearly 4. She goes to nursery within the school full time. I potty trained her and she was dry day and night for a while and then got lazy and just pees and poos where she sits now most of the time, then has phases of being dry again. Last night when I went to bed I checked on her and she was lying in a pool of wee and had done a poo.. Oh surprise she's just come downstairs soaking wet with a big poo in her pants! I know she can use a toilet or a potty, she has access to both and just won't use them if she doesn't feel like it. She's just as demanding and wants things done yesterday and will scream at me if I don't do what she asks straight away.

I went to see my dr Tuesday and she was screaming "what time is it?" All the way through the appointment to the point i couldnt concentrate then stood and poo'd herself.

No amount of shushing or distracting will keep any of them busy or out of trouble for more than a few seconds, I don't feel like a mum to them at all, I feel like a babysitter to two misbehaved demanding brats.

It's gotten to the point where I'm throwing things away that they like to teach them that naughty girls don't get to have nice things and still they carry on and on and on.

The time out, all I get is screaming or strolling back in like nothing has happened. They never mean their sorrys and I'm always back to square one. When they play together it ends in screaming and fighting.

I've just had a friend around for a coffee with her daughter who is 7 and the whole time they were running riot and not listening to me, it's like they don't know how to act around people and are just generally annoying!

No never means no to them, I don't know what they think it means, even with a no and an explanation of whatever they are doing is wrong gets through. I praise them on the odd occasion they are good, I've tried sticker charts, they just don't get that there's things they are not allowed to do.

I'm rambling now, I'm very upset and I feel like I can't cope at all. I'm not living, I'm existing and feel like a terrible Mother.

 

[wifeywifey]

Aw hun sounds like your having such a tough time, I don't really have any advice but ha e to say your NOT A BAD MUM. You obviously care for your kids and want what's best for them. Do you have any family or friends to support you a bit maybe even just a shoulder to cry on from time to time iykwim.
I hope you get things sorted with doctors and hopefully someone can give you some advice on here x
Sent from my HTC One S using Tapatalk 2

 

[Jadey]

I have lots of family who all have kids of their own, I don't like to bother them with my problems and feel like they look down on me when I cry to them sometimes. My mum raised 4 kids and doesn't believe in not coping although she had to rescue me from town after the dr incident the other day, she saw how my 2 year old was being, it's like she was possessed.

I've took a bit of a time out myself, put the tv on for the eldest and sent the youngest to bed because she seems even more evil when she's tired, I just got loads of things from the fridge and cupboard and decided to just cook on my own lol. Eldest been in a few times asking to go out play and yet again for another banana but I told her its too cold to play out and reminded her of what she's already eaten today which is 2 weetabix with milk and a banana, a few drinks of juice, Easter egg, egg and soldiers and a fruit pot. Surely that should keep her going until tea time?

I just get so wound up sometimes wondering if anyone else is Mithered every second of every day by their kids. I know being a Mum isn't easy but surely I shouldn't feel this down all of the time.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[tabbi]

Hi hunni, first of all big *hugs*. Now breath and read what I can suggest.

with your 4 year old - her peeing and pooing herself a friends Little boy did the same thing, what they did was a shock tackic. She first left him in his room covered for a bit longer well they cried for 5 minutes. Then she ran a luke warm/cold bathe and gave a quick bath wasn't gentle just went and quickly cleaned. Then she changed the bedding and said that there wasn't any clean bedding as she had to clean it all due to him pooing himself so gave him no clean bedding just the duvet and pillow with no sheets etc...

As for pooing themselves whilst outside and about, take them to the toilet just get the poo out the pants and leave them in it, ignore the crys and moans from the child. And when you get home do the same about the bath then just put on the PJ's they mate the most and leave them in them. If they keep wetting the bed, put a potty in the room and when they wet themselves make them sit on the potty till they go pee again...don't let them get up. I know this shows cruel and nasty, but it works.

As for both of them screaming and shouting, take there toys, phone, computer, Tv, treats all of it off them. And state and make a list of things they can't do and can do...if there good they get a object back, but if there naughty it gets taken away. Make sure there are 2 lists and can be seen clearly.

As for your 7 year old. The hospital should of done something by now, they sound useless. But when it comes to her turning the TV up and shouting. Turn the TV down, but if she turns it up...just turn it off. as for the shouting, cover your ears when she does it and wait til she is calm again when she is write down for her to read that it was too loud, or her shouting was wrong and that if she needs talk to either speak in a lower volume (use your hands to indicate to her that she needs lower the tone) or that she writes it down for you to read as her shouting affects everyone.

Her eatting habits are wrong. If she knows how to tell the time, write a menu and stick it to the frigde with something simliar to this

Breakfast - 8.30 am

Snack - 10.30 will consist of fruit

that sort of thing. It will show them nothing inbetween. But when it comes to there behaviour take things away from them, make them sit on the bottom of the stairs until they stop crying/screaming and make them sit there in silence for 2 minutes then get them to sit in the living room on the sofa in quite until you think they are ready to be good, if they scream and shout again put them back, but when they both play up keep them at the opposite ends of the property. Ban them from seeing there friends all of it. you need be strict.

I hope it helps...I know people it has worked for, so give it a try hun it does take time to take effect.

otherwise all i can say is seek help from a medical professional hun, sorry x x x

 

[HopesDreams]

Sorry tabbi but I really don't agree with the "shock tactics". I find them humiliating, unnecessary & to be quite honest, cruel.
What about reward charts & positive reinforcement before we start breaking a child's spirit?
OP can do as they wish, it's her child, but shock tactics would never, absolutely never, be a choice for me.

 

[l_maclean]

Sorry tabbi but I really don't agree with the "shock tactics". I find them humiliating, unnecessary & to be quite honest, cruel.
What about reward charts & positive reinforcement before we start breaking a child's spirit?
OP can do as they wish, it's her child, but shock tactics would never, absolutely never, be a choice for me.

Yip, sorry the 'shock tactics' sounds like down right neglect to me.

Potty training regression is quite common I believe. It will pass and you just need to sorta ignore it - get her cleaned up and move on, even negative attention is attention and she may be wanting some of that especially if there's a lot going on with your 7yr old.

I think you have to acknowledge the fact that ur older child is having hearing problems so is probably fairly unaware of how loud she is shouting. Does your tv have a numbers volume that u can allow her a compromise of a specific number if she genuinely can't hear the tv. Or subtitles to help her.

The food thing, if its healthy stuff age want personally I don't see the problem, could you offer something 'boring' like toast, or even a drink. She could be mistaking thirst for hunger or she could be having a bit of a growth spurt and be genuinely hungry!!



On my iPhone - so cant see tickers

 

[LYLLJellyTots]

I'm sorry, I read this post earlier and didn't reply then because what I say may not go down very well but after reading that reply Tabbi I'm going to say it anyways.

The behavioural problems all mothers deal with in different ways, and I don't agree with shock tactics either, but at times all mammas feel like they are doing a bad job. If you have tried discipline and that's not working well, and reward charts haven't, and neither has punishment then maybe just try positive reenforcement? My boys are completely different, if I sit one on time out he'd not bother one bit, but the other would be really upset. Yet I could take a toy or a treat away from the first, and he would be upset with that and it would make him question his behaviour. As a mother you need to find what works with your child and that will change as they change and develop as people. It's hard when you are trying to do your best with no backup, but please try not to feel like a bad mum, it's a learning experience.

I am however goin to pick up on the comments about your 7 year olds hearing problems. Have you ever suffered being deaf or hard of hearing? It is absolutely awful and very frustrating. Do you know how frustrating it is not hearing the tv or people when they speak to you? As awful as it is for you to deal with, it's a thousand times worse for her, and maybe if shes being loud a lot of the time it's because she is frustrated.

Why should she be punished for something she can't help? Turn the tv off if she turns it up again because she can't hear it? I think that is utterly ridiculous in all honesty. Yes the TV needs to be at an acceptable volume, but maybe try sitting her down and explaining why & what is happening. I have had hearing problems since being a baby and often need things at higher volumes to be able to hear them at all. Subtitles are a fantastic thing and if your daughter is doing well with her reading skills then the subtitles will enable her to follow the plot of the tv programme without having it quite as loud. If she is struggling with her reading still put them on anyways as it may help her with her skills too.

I would push things with your hospital too, explain the affects it is having on your daughters home life and if she is struggling so much with the TV then how is she coping hearing the teachers at school? As for the screaming and kicking off, that is unacceptable but again maybe it's down to frustration rather than her being naughty, it can be hard to explain what's wrong when you feel that way. Like I said before every parent has different coping strategies and rules with discipline and it's not for me to judge which is right or wrong but maybe there's a reason for it x

It sounds like you need someone to talk to and a little bit of support, I know it can be difficult asking family when people have a lot going on but you are a single mum to two growing girls and that must take its toll x I hope you manage to find some solutions soon, good luck with things x

 

[tabbi]

Sorry tabbi but I really don't agree with the "shock tactics". I find them humiliating, unnecessary & to be quite honest, cruel.
What about reward charts & positive reinforcement before we start breaking a child's spirit?
OP can do as they wish, it's her child, but shock tactics would never, absolutely never, be a choice for me.

Its fine hun, I personally have never had to use them...been told to but never have as my daughter kinda autocorrected herself in the end. I was just giving something that she can do. Might be one of the last things anyone wants to do, but it was an idea. I don't like the idea of shock tactics...probably because they were used on me and aren't nice. It was an idea and I understand 99% of people not just mums and dad will disagree with it.

Your are right they can be very Humiliating and cruel....but as a last resort might be something to consider...she is best speaking to Health and medical professionals anyway to see what they can advise. I hope I never have this problem....its such a same a loving mum is put under so much stress because she wants the best for her 2 children. If possible she needs a girls weekend away from them to help recover. x x x

 

[Simoneh00]

Leaving a child soiled and wet would almost certainly cause major skin irritation and possibly bleeding. Please do not do this to your child!

 

[Simoneh00]

In my opinion I would find one punishment and one reward system. Stick to it, stick to your guns, its not going to work overnight so don't give up. Persevere, show them your love. I hope you find a way that works for you. Best of luck xx

 

[tiaflame]

I think those shock tactics sound absolutely disgusting and I wouldn't leave my dog in those conditions never mind my child. Reads like something you read in the book the boy called it, if anyone has ever read it. Very upsetting. Xx

 

[Jaxx01]

At 4 years old its very sad to see you getting angry with them rather than tryin to help as sad before around 4-5 years old there can be a potty training regression. When they start school etc they can be known to go backwards because of all the stress!!

My 4 year old is not dry at night and after countless arguements with his father with him saying how 'naughty' he was for wetting te bed, I decided to go as see the doctor who told me that some kids just can't control it until at least 7 years old

Those shock tactics mentioned are actually quite disturbing tbh

 

[Ammdaz]

My DS does a lot of the things your 7 year old does (he's almost 4). He doesn't have the hearing issues but he does do the constant demanding thing and he's always saying he's hungry! I think it's quite normal but that doesn't mean it's not incredibly frustrating! To be honest sometimes I feel a bit guilty because it feels like he's always demanding but actually often he is asking for perfectly reasonable things but I'm always saying things like 'in a minute', 'no not now' etc etc. I think as busy mums we're all guilty of this but sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to actually make sure I am paying him enough attention and I do respond to the reasonable requests, that way he tends to be more content. That doesn't mean I give in to his every whim, if I'm genuinely busy I will explain that and tell him he needs to wait etc but if I can I do what he's asking, he is my child after all and he needs me to help him and keep him entertained etc. I think the more positive attention we try to give them, the less they will try to demand negative attention.

With the snacks, children do tend to graze rather than eat three big meals a day. With my son if he's hungry I will usually let him have a snack, he's not great with fruit but I do tell him that he can't have junk, he must chose something healthy. To be honest I would encourage it if he was asking for fruit all the time! I do set boundaries, if its going to be lunch or tea time in the next hour or so I tell him he must wait but the rest of the time I will let him have something.

The tidying up thing is familiar too, I think we all have this battle. It's something I'm quite strict with because I think it's important he learns to do things for himself and that if he makes a mess he should he clear it up but I find positive reinforcement works better than negative. Saying something like 'if you help clear up your things then we can do x y or z' rather than 'if you don't do it then is happens'. Also making it into a bit of a game, probably works better with the younger ones but 'whoever can tidy away the most bricks gets a prize' (just a chocolate button or something like that lol). It sounds so easy when I write it down and its definitely not, it doesn't always work, children certainly know how to wind us up and push us. If the positive reinforcement doesn't work then I will use punishment such as taking away a favourite toy for a day or not letting him watch his favourite programme. I find not messing about is the best, I'll tell him three times then if he's not doing it he gets the punishment. To be honest he's not usually bothered by the punishment all that much but I think it does make him realise he can't get away with things. After the punishment, that's it, I don't make a big deal out of it we just forget it and move on. I've never bothered with time outs, to me it seems more trouble than its worth and I don't see the point in trying for ages to get him to sit in time out for three minutes by which time he'll probably forget why he was put there in the first place! However it does work for some. As Simone said, you need to find a method that works for you, or at least works most of the time, then stick with it.

I don't have much advice or any experience with hearing issues but as hard as it is for you it must be even harder for your daughter. I know it must be frustrating but try and keep your patience with her, she can't help it, and focus your frustration into trying to get things sorted with the hospital. It's not on that they are leaving you struggling so without support.

With your younger daughter's toileting problems, I really don't agree with shock tactics either. You have to be so careful with potty training that you don't cause humiliation or make your child scared to go to the toilet. I have heard too that regression is quite common. I don't have a magical cure I'm afraid. We haven't had these problems with my son although he isn't dry at night yet. It's something that is likely to pass in time. In the meantime I'd be inclined to just clean her up quickly without making a fuss, don't give her much attention just maybe a quick 'never mind, we'll try again next time' and leave it at that.

You're not a bad mother. Everything you have described your children doing is normal and part of their development. It's just a case of finding a way to deal with it that works for you and helps you to feel you have regained some control. We all struggle and you have it worse because you're doing it alone. Try to introduce a bit more praise and positive reinforcement, maybe make a conscious effort to pay them more attention when they are behaving (I'm not saying you don't give them attention, I just know how easy it is when you're busy and they are quiet to let them just get on with things!) so that they don't feel a need to demand negative attention. Focus on getting your older daughter's hearing issues sorted as that may make a world of difference. And feel free to rant on here whenever you need to.

Xxx

 

[babyem]

I think you should get some pull ups for night times so she isnt sleeping a puddle or mess. Chances are she wont like having nappies and feeling like a baby so may sort it herself x

tapatalking x

 

[Emma.b]

I think those shock tactics sound absolutely disgusting and I wouldn't leave my dog in those conditions never mind my child. Reads like something you read in the book the boy called it, if anyone has ever read it. Very upsetting. Xx

I've read that book, absolutely heartbreaking and extremely shocking.

Honestly using 'shock tatics'?! It's down right abuse, and anyone who does that to a child needs it doing to them, See how they like it!

Raising children in my opinion is one of the hardest things for anyone to do. Babies/children don't come with instruction unfortuately, and parenting is all trial and error...no one gets it right all of the time.

I think, and this is only personal opinion, that behaviour is a mixture of things. Your 7 year old is hard of hearing. She is struggling to hear/do things we all take for granted. Have you ever put on a film only to find the sound is muffled or just not there, you know yourself how frustrating it is, especially if you really wanna watch it. I think as someone else said, subtitles is the way to go and having a sound limit on the tv. Or how about a portable dvd player were she can use ear phones to help cut out background noise?

The eating, she is a growing girl, she is bound to be more hungry then you or me. Like you say she is full of energy and never sits down so what she i eating is soon being consumed. If her dinner isn't filling her up for long try increasing her portion size...instead of 1 boiled egg and round of toast give her 2 eggs, also try giving her the option. Ask her how many/much she wants and explain she gets nothing else til snack time so to make sure what she wants she eats. As long as what she is asking for is relatively healthy then i seen no problem.

Here attitude towards you, and this is the bit you might not like. But children and a brilliant way of picking up on feelings, if your feeling resentment, trapped, angry just down right frustrated then so will she. The way you speak to her, she'll pick up on and mimmick. I'm not saying don't ever raise your voice, i'm just saying take a step back look at the situation, take a min to decide on how best to react, before you go in all guns blazing. As it sounds to me like she has become use to your shouting, which is why you get no response. As someone else said, decide on a reward for good behavior and a punishment for bad behavior and stick too it, don't let up no matter how long they stamp there feet for!

As for the little one. Unfortunately some toddlers can go back a few steps when it comes to potty training. When she has a accident you need to tell her she has to tell you when she needs toilet as she's a big girl now. You might need to go back to asking her often if she needs the toilet and taking her yourself, rather than assuming that she'll go of her own accord. Also some children can regress when they have a problem or are just unhappy. Or it could just be she is fighting for your attention and this is the best way for her to get it, even if it is only to be told off. I think reinforcing the positive will help, tell her how well she's doing and how proud you are when she uses the toilet. Don't leave her in her mess, it can lead to all sorts of skin irritations etc. And is just not good parenting!

Also spend some more quality time with them. Set aside time for film night, board game night, arts and crafts...even simple things like letting them help prepare dinner or tea. Giving them there own little list when going shopping or doing chores. Give them more responsibility but slowly and when they do good use praise, over the top praise. It's not going to be easy to break the bad habits for any of you, but a little time and patience will help.

P.s you are not a bad mum for feeling like you do, everyone feels like this to some degree at some point. You just need to figure out what works for you, It will take time to over come bad habits but it can and will happen, with a lot of hard work. And it's best to start now before you have teens on your hands.

Good luck x x x

 

[babyem]

I think the shock tactics should be left now, tabbi said it was what a friend did and not what she would do. Yes not many would agree so jist move on lol x

tapatalking x

 

[Emma.b]

I agree it probably should be forgotten but offering advice like that on a forum like this is bound to cause a reaction.

And I personally see no reason as to why advice like that would be offered if you haven't tried it nor believe in it?!

But as you say tabbi was only trying to help by giving her honest opinion, and the other ladies have only tried to help by offering there honest opinions.

Xx

 

[Linny1989]

Oh God u dont sound like a bad mum at all! I have a 3 and 1 year old and even thats hard! The constant asking for food etc. Luckily my eldest hasn't gone back to wetting herself and is still (touch wood) dry day n night. I defo think potty in bedroom. And also when she wakes up ask if she needs a wee. After breakfast. I'm between. Before lunch etc. Set times to ask her easy times. So u remember x

 

[tabbi]

thank you ladies, it was just something my friend (who was visiting at the time I will add) told me. I personally wouldn't do it.
My daughter screams, shouts refuses to eat certain foods, she even at one point went back to wetting herself. It was just after my son was born, I put her back in nappies and retrained her again, its hard work but worth it in the end. I get up between 1-2am so I know she won't wet the bed and get her on the potty. with her behaviour she has the naughty step and she goes on for 3 minutes and when she is calm I sit so I am eye level with her and tell her why I have put her there.
It works, but every now again she'll play up and I take a toy off her and she has to earn it back.
With food, I don't let her have sweet stuff or treats until she has eatten all her breakfast/dinner/tea, and then she is offered fruit first instead.

It works and takes time, but I hope Henry picks up on it too. she is well mannered and knows right from wrong its just installing why and repeating yourself that takes the time. But she is worth it. As for shock tactics...after what happened to me as a child I would never do it to mine, I'd rather hire someone than do that and barely get by so I know i'd never hurt them in any shape.

I got given advise on how to tell lilith off and sort out her eatting habits from my health worker and she's doing brilliantly, its different from each one.

My friend told me she followed what her health visitor told her to do (she lives in stoke on trent and not the nice area). I hope your children start improving for your sake, but you really need a night or two away to help recover. x x x