how to deal with relatives

[Baby2sky]

My daughter is 2.5. Hubby is an only child but has a cousin who lost his parents young and is like a brother. However we feel he is over stepping the mark with our lo.

She is very loud and giddy and excitable at times which neither of us have a problem with yet the cousin seems to think it is his job to tell her to be quiet. If she was being loud out of naughtiness then we of course tell her off but she is happy and excited. He tells her off in my house constantly. We went to a restaurant the other day and when hubbysT dad walked in she got excited and started shouting grandad to which the cousin snapped at her to be quiet.Then I mentioned to mil that she sometimes pretends to bite so we are currently dealing with that to which he said if she ever did it to him he would bite her back. Finally on Friday hubbys best friend told us that the cousin has been bitching about how naughty our daughter is because she is so loud and that how he has to tell her off because we never do!

Hubby then confronted him and told him she is our daughter and we will deal with her the way we see fit and the whole family have now fallen out with us over this as apparently we are out of order for mentioning anything.Are we in the wrong? Should we be ok with other people disciplining our children when we are there? How can we deal with this!

 

[clairebear22]

You are most definitely in the right! His Cousin has absolutely no right to tell your Daughter to be quiet!! I'd tell him straight it isn't on and sod anyone who doesn't like it! The only time somebody can discipline my boys is if we are not there to do it. Otherwise it's our job.

And as for him saying he'd bite her back! I'd have gone mad!!!

Stick to your guns Hun! xx

 

[Holi]

The biting back remark is horrific!

With regards to being loud - if you ever hear him telling your lo to be quiet just say 'she's just excited she's not doing anything wrong there's no need to tell her to be quiet'

Saying that I'm very close with my sister and we have kids same age - she tells rosie off and I tell her boys off even if we are both there (we might not of seen etc) but luckily we have very similar parenting styles so we seem to have the same boundaries and principles

Sounds like the cousin thinks kids are to be seen not heard which we all know isn't the case! X

 

[littlemonkey]

You have every right to be annoyed! I have absolutely no issue with other grown ups disciplining my children if they misbehave when I'm not there. But when OH and I are there it is our job. Every parent has different ideas of what they think is acceptable and it's not for some one else to tell them otherwise. Apart from the obvious things like hitting etc.

I'm assuming this cousin has no children of his own based on how he expects a two year old to behave?! I think you've done the right thing, he made the issue out of it by slagging you off to others, you're entitled to challenge him about this! I wouldn't have him in my house if he couldn't respect me or my children.

 

[littlemonkey]

Holi, I'm like that with my family. We grew up in a large family and my nephew is a similar age to my eldest, so we all know kids are noisey and boisterous. I know my family only tell my son off if he's been properly naughty.

 

[kumber]

Omg, I'd hit the roof! How dare he say he would bite your child, who the hell does he think he is?!

You're absolutely right to be annoyed about this, very firm words need to be had I think. I have told my cousin's children off when they have been particularly naughty (a toy was purposefully thrown at my son's head when he was 3 months) and she has told ds off when he's smacked her son in the face but I think that's happened maybe twice between us and her oldest is two. When children are so wee, I don't think it's for anyone but the parents and grandparents to tell a child off unless in serious or dangerous circumstances.

He has massively overstepped the mark and needs to understand she's not naughty but just a normal, boisterous toddler.

 

[Goat]

Def not Hun, I agree with everything everyone else has said. As for the rest of your husband's family, they are being a bit melodramatic about it all. It's not as though you've requested the cousin never saw your daughter again. If I were you I would be consistently firm with this and sod who gets offended.
I recently had comments regarding an incident where my lo almost fell out of a first floor window. It was horrendous but totally my fault for not double checking id closed the window. I have had so many comments from my family saying I should've smacked her. And what would they say if my husband smacked me for leaving the window open? I totally disagree with any kind of smacking and told them this and they all started mocking me and saying 'just you wait..' I do not know why relatives feel the need to do this. I would never ever do it to anyone!x

 

[Baby2sky]

Thanks all for the advice! So annoying how everyone seems to think they all automatically have a say in how we raise our children!

 

[CDx]

You are absolutely in the right and I can't believe his family don't see that. We spend quite a lot of time with my OHs best friends (he is more like a brother) son and he sees us as his aunt and uncle. I would never dream of trying to discipline him when his mum and dad are there even if he was acting up.

 

[Orion]

Looks like I'm the odd one out.

I tell my niece to be quiet if she's screaming or interrupting a conversation. I tell her to sit good at restaurants, not to climb on furniture as it's dangerous and to hold my hand near the road to be extra safe. I don't see that as discipline. I don't shout at her or give her any consequences. I just say "shhhhh it's not nice to interrupt people, you'll have to wait until I'm done, then I'll play with you". I do this when I'm alone babysitting or in front of her parents.

And having a moan about family members happens in all families.

I wouldn't have had a big confrontation about it all, I'd have corrected it as and when it happened so it wasn't a big deal. Like when he tells her to be quiet when she's just playing, I'd have told him, "she's just playing, it's not naughty to be loud when playing, please don't tell her to be quiet"

Not saying you're in the wrong at all - just trying to offer a different opinion for perspective. If you didn't like his behaviour, you could have said so each time he 'disciplined' your child, rather than as a big confrontation afterwards. He might not have realised you didn't like what he was doing and felt attacked and maybe embarrassed when it finally came out.