How to cope with 2nd miscarriage and all that guilt..

[Cat27]

This is the first time I have posted, but over the past 4 years I have found myself regularly on this website looking for answers and hope.

I suffered my first miscarriage over 3 years ago now and have a beautiful, healthy 22 month old boy. My husband and I decided to try for our second in March and got a BFP just over a week ago. I was so pleased. I think I was 6-7 weeks (long, stupid cycles!) It took over 2 years of TTC our son as I suffer from PCOS and ridiculous cycles. Unfortunately yesterday morning I started to spot with cramps. I already knew, call it women's intuition, but I knew this pregnancy would end in miscarriage. And yet here I am, barely able to function through the despair and wondering how much more I can take. I think the blind hope makes it worse, you tell yourself you know it's going wrong and yet you keep hoping. Even now as I bleed heavily, a small part of me thinks of all the posts I've read where women have passed clots and have gone on to have healthy babies. Who am I trying to kid eh?

I know it gets easier with time, I've been there already but right now, it feels like my life is falling apart at the seams. Made worse by the fact that I can't look after my own child due to bleeding, exhaustion, tears and guilt.

I know there are no answers to the questions that plague me (why me, what did I do, why again?) and I know it's not fair and I know there are others who have been through much worse but I suppose it's all so personal. I haven't spoke to a doctor yet, I guess I will phone tomorrow as I need to cancel my midwife appointment, not sure if I need to have a scan, it was awful last time as you are surrounded by happy pregnant ladies. If anyone has anything that helped them get through the emotional pain I would be so grateful to hear it.

 

[scn]

I'm so sorry you are suffering hun. I've had five miscarriages now over the past two years and every time I see a bfp now, I just expect to lose it so it's never a shock any more. I just feel numb when it happens now and carry on as normal. I don't have the energy to grieve.

It's all so raw for you just now and what you're feeling is completely normal, but with time, you learn to cope again, the pain never goes away but you will find the strength to see you through.
Take care xx

 

[Cat27]

Thank you so much for the reply and compassion. I am sorry to hear of your losses, it's heartbreaking and I know time is the only thing that will help me. It seems so unfair, I look around and it seems that everyone can manage it so easily - I know it's not true but the grief can make me cruel.

I guess I will take each day as it comes even though I was hopeful that I would never have to go through it again. Life can be pretty horrid sometimes.

 

[laurat]

Im so sorry fir your loss. It is truely the most heartbreaking experience. I also had a feeling the week before my the bleeding and my mc started that something wasnt quite right. It was like my body hadnt caught up.

All I can say is with time it does get easier. I suggest spending time doing things that you enjoy with your wee one and your oh. Talk if you need to, cry if you need to. Take care! Xxx

 

[megsmeadow]

Gosh I am sorry. Definitely speak with the midwife rather than just cancelling. I do wish they could change how they do ultrasounds, I remember walking back out through the waiting room was hell but another step forward in the journey.

Make time to look after yourself though and call in those favours from family and friends, my lo was having a ball being spoilt by people around us, unaware of the pain we were going through which took a weight off my mind. It's some rollercoaster though and it's OK to appreciate life and smile when you can. I've found my local Sands group amazing and started my memory book which helped me loads.
Sorry for the long ramble, I thought I'd never survive the next hour nevermind day at times but I'm still here and part of my baby will always be with me too. xx

 

[MrsLM]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried last month and it was the most heart breaking thing I've ever had to go through.

I think it's disgusting how the scans etc are with pregnant ladies. So insensitive its unreal. I truly hope you get your sticky bean soon.

Let all the tears out, don't bottle them up. I've just stopped crying and feeling down now, I still feel sad when i add things to my calendar and think 'that should be my 12 week scan' or when I hear one certain song that reminds me of the miscarriage. We got married two months ago so everyone keeps asking 'when you trying for number two' I sometimes have to hold back the tears.

It will get easier, I never believed it could but it does.

Hugs for you xxxx

 

[Cat27]

Thanks for all the kind words, it means a lot to me that you would take the time to reply and share your own experiences and sympathy. Spoke to a doctor today (nurse practioner) and she was lovely, very kind and understanding and not at all 'matter of fact' which makes a change.

It's funny really, as soon as you find out your pregnant you are desperate for the weeks to fly by to reach that 12 week scan and now that I've lost another I desperate for the days and weeks to fly by for the miscarriage to end and so we can TTC again. And yet the thought of rushing through my time with my little boy and not cherishing every second seems ridiculous! I can't win!

Thanks again for the support. Wishing you all peace and happiness. X

 

[scn]

Glad you found someone kind and understanding, even though they can't do anything it's comforting to have a supporting ear isn't it?
When you feel ready, you should venture out of this part of the forum and into the trying to conceive section, the ladies are all very supportive and will help you through xx

 

[Lozzaste]

Hi
I've been where you are a number of times and also have a daughter myself. I faced a lot of "oh well, at least you've got one" and other such insensitive things. None of that helps, but I'm happy for you that you've found a sympathetic nurse, as most aren't. One of the most difficult things I found was the treatment afterwards, or lack of, apart from the miscarriages themselves. I had got to the fabled 12 weeks on two of the occasions and I was devastated, yet I had to walk out Into a room of happy people waving scan pics. I was also treated badly afterwards. I got involved with a charity, called Saying Goodbye and they helped me a lot. Look them up.
I hope you're ok, never lose hope. Xxx

 

[Parisa]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my baby at five months pregnant and I still grieve. That was four years ago. Then I went on to have a healthy baby boy. He is now two years old.
Don't blame yourself for anything. Miscarriages happen all the time, and it has nothing to do with you doing something wrong. Also, you talk about feeling guilty cuz you can't take proper care of ur baby, but realize that is only temporary.
You are not expected to be super woman. Your body is going through so much right now, so it is natural for you to be unable to care for ur child. You are an amazing mom, but you need to stop feeling guilty cuz I am sure that u did nothing wrong to bring on a miscarriage. Take care of urself and let me know if you ever need to talk.
I am a great listener.