how to be diplomatic?

[hennaly]

I know i have a problem with being an over protective mum with my babies, i hate people picking them up especially if they are asleep.
For the first few days i dont want home visitors, i am happy for people to come to the hopital and visit but when i go home i want time for me and the kids and my husband and my dogs to all spend a few days together on our own to settle before the family etc come round. I know this isnt going to go down to well with my dad and stepmum etc or my inlaws but i know i wont be able to have them round and watch them all fuss over Levi without getting wound up about it. The question is how do i sort this out, what do i say to them and how do i politely tell them not to come round?

 

[aramintalovegrove]

I would just be straight with them, most people that have had kids will totally understand and those who havent should obey your wishes.

I would hint to everyone if they try to come before they will not be invited in just incase.

When OH text/phones everyone to tell them, get him to note that YOU will call when you are ready for visitors.

 

[Petra]

I am having the same dilema. My sister in law is the only relative myself and my husband have in the UK. She also lives in London. She spoke to him yesterday and told him that she and her husband are getting ready to come and stay for some time and help me out with the baby. ( neither of them work so it will be easy for them) I don't get along with them so well and don't want them around.. at least not for the first few days as I want myself and my hubby to bond with the baby and create our own family. I really want to test DH and see how well he copes with taking care of me and baby. He is very over protective of his little sister and will tell me that it would break her heart if he tells her to come and stay later..
I wish there was an easy solution for both of us hun. Try to speak to your hubby he might be able to tell his parents.

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

I think the best way is to just explain how you feel and tell them you will be too tired for visitors and want to get LO settled at home and you all need time to adjust as a family. We did this with our family and most of them understood. Its you that will have just had a baby hun, not them. Don't be afraid to say no to visitors

 

[Petra]

Couldn't help myself last night even though I expected a fight and told my husband how I feel about his sister coming and staying with us right away after the birth. He didn't even let me finish and started saying that I am trying to tear him apart from the only family he has in the Uk and that it is his native tradition to have family around when little one arrives. I tried to explain that I want them to stay away for a few days so we can bond with the baby but he kept on going until he said that my mum is also not welcome when she arrives on 8th January. I ended up in tears and went to sleep. I am still very upset and don't intend to talk to him today.. I am so hurt Sorry girls - rant over.
Hennaly - hope you have better luck and more understanding from your family

 

[hennaly]

Couldn't help myself last night even though I expected a fight and told my husband how I feel about his sister coming and staying with us right away after the birth. He didn't even let me finish and started saying that I am trying to tear him apart from the only family he has in the Uk and that it is his native tradition to have family around when little one arrives. I tried to explain that I want them to stay away for a few days so we can bond with the baby but he kept on going until he said that my mum is also not welcome when she arrives on 8th January. I ended up in tears and went to sleep. I am still very upset and don't intend to talk to him today.. I am so hurt Sorry girls - rant over.
Hennaly - hope you have better luck and more understanding from your family

oh hun how awefull
i know hubby feels the same as me so i wont have a problem there so think i will do as has been said and tell them when they come into the hospital or when we text etc that we will be wanting a couple of days to ourselves then visitors are welcome from whatever date, still not sure how im gonna get round the 'my baby is not a pass the parcel' thing

 

[MagicMarkers]

Aw petra darling tell him its YOUR baby too and what about buggering traditions its the way you feel, poor darling i feel so bad for you im tempted to just say tell him to fuck off and give a shit about how you feel ! What about suggesting his sister just some round for a bit each day rather than stay with you ? Its going to be soo ott to have her there all the time when and how are you going to get to bond and get used to being with baby if shes there constantly

 

[Becky]

Oh Petra, I'm so sorry this is causing you such worry. It's so hard adjusting to a new baby and merging the two families. I know how you feel about not wanting them to stay, it's hard when family traditions are different.

I'm lucky that my family live close enough to be able to pop round and then go again. It's nice that your OH wants to carry on traditions but can you compromise and get him to leave it a few days...

 

[Petra]

I see what you mean and don't know how I am going to react when my baby gets passed around. My SIL told my husband that she can't wait to change the nappies and bathe the baby. WTF am I going to do with myself? I don't want my LO to smell her and bond with her. This is driving me mad. Sorry Hennaly for stealing your post.

 

[hennaly]

I see what you mean and don't know how I am going to react when my baby gets passed around. My SIL told my husband that she can't wait to change the nappies and bathe the baby. WTF am I going to do with myself? I don't want my LO to smell her and bond with her. This is driving me mad. Sorry Hennaly for stealing your post.

dont be silly hun its good to see im not the only one who is forseeing issues with family but i would say yours are much worse and really hope you can come to a happy compromise

 

[Petra]

Aw petra darling tell him its YOUR baby too and what about buggering traditions its the way you feel, poor darling i feel so bad for you im tempted to just say tell him to f**k off and give a sh*t about how you feel ! What about suggesting his sister just some round for a bit each day rather than stay with you ? Its going to be soo ott to have her there all the time when and how are you going to get to bond and get used to being with baby if shes there constantly

I did tell him to f**k off when he came to talk to me again in the bedroom. He didn't want to listen to anything anyway, just trying to make sure that I don't lie in bed stressed. I know him too well. His sister doesn't live that far so she could come and go but I don't see this happening.. there is noone to ask her to do that and she is too thick and selfish to ask me how I feel.

 

[nickilubs]

Aw petra darling tell him its YOUR baby too and what about buggering traditions its the way you feel, poor darling i feel so bad for you im tempted to just say tell him to f**k off and give a sh*t about how you feel ! What about suggesting his sister just some round for a bit each day rather than stay with you ? Its going to be soo ott to have her there all the time when and how are you going to get to bond and get used to being with baby if shes there constantly

I did tell him to f**k off when he came to talk to me again in the bedroom. He didn't want to listen to anything anyway, just trying to make sure that I don't lie in bed stressed. I know him too well. His sister doesn't live that far so she could come and go but I don't see this happening.. there is noone to ask her to do that and she is too thick and selfish to ask me how I feel.

If he insists she is coming I would just get a good lock for my bedroom door and spend the time in there. She is there to help YOU therefore she can keep the house clean and cook your meals and you can be a Mum. She is not there to be a second mother so she can just bugger off and do as agreed. LOL. I really would get the telly shifted into the bedroom and go out for a walk each day on your own or with hubby for some you, him and baby time and the rest of the time spend it alone and if your OH wants to be with you and your babe then he can and he will have to decide what time means more. Time with his wife and newborn or time with his sister. Like I say if she says she is there to help you then she can do just that NOT take over from you being a mummy

I would also just tell people you will let them know when you want visitors.

 

[Petra]

thanks for all your support and huggs girls I have just come back from my aquanatal class and feel somehow more relaxed. I will wait for the day to come and will have to deal with things then. If I have to I will sit down and explain things frankly to his sister.. not going to hide my feelings.

 

[trixipaws]

just say hope u dont mind giving us a week or two (or however long!) to settle in as u feel overwhelmed at the prospect of visitors at first. i dont think its an unreasonable request from someone who has only just had a baby. x x

 

[laetitia85]

This is how I used to deal with it:

I was too shy to tell people I didn't want any visitors at first so I asked my mum, sister and brothers to let everyone else know that I 'needed to rest'. And whenever people came uninvited, I spent 5 minutes with them, went back to bed and my husband would look after them, serve them tea and coffee etc. Sometimes I'd take Kenzo in the bedroom with me, so that people could leave us alone and most of the time they'd leave early and unoffended because they'd realise I simply needed to rest.

 

[BabyMagic]

Hennaly and Petra - Tbh, I hope you get an arrangement agreed before your LOs are born as you will have enough to worry about then (plus hormones etc).

Petra - it feels like just yesterday when you were asking for private gynagologists in TTC. How the time flies. Have as pleasant birthing experience as possible

Good luck to both of you x

 

[Petra]

Hennaly and Petra - Tbh, I hope you get an arrangement agreed before your LOs are born as you will have enough to worry about then (plus hormones etc).

Petra - it feels like just yesterday when you were asking for private gynagologists in TTC. How the time flies. Have as pleasant birthing experience as possible

Good luck to both of you x

aww thanks sweetie. Can't believe you remember me from TTC It feels so long ago

 

[Sephs]

Although not a mother, I can say I do understand where you are coming from. I think the main thing is to remember you do have the right to your own time with DH and LO.
I hate it when people ask to hold a baby, if I'm visiting a relative who has had a baby, I wait to be offered to hold the baby. I don't ask, it's all about respecting the parents wishes.
As someone else said, when DH calls the family/friends to tell them the good news, have him mention you'd like a few days without visitors to bond with DS/D and recuperate. I'm sure nobody would think anything bad of it, I know I wouldn't, it's understandable.

 

[Kittykins]

I know this thread is a couple of weeks old now, but hope this reply isn't too late... if you're concerned, talk to your midwife. She'll have seen this all before. She will almost certainly either tell your DH (Petra) or put a note in writing to the effect that the baby's immune system is very vulnerable in the first week or so, and that she strongly recommends that visitors stay away or are limited to short visiting times only.

A friend of mine had a similar problem to Petra but with her MIL and FIL, who planned to move in 2 days before the birth and stay for a month(!) and her husband couldn't see the issue. Her midwife was superb, said that the stress would be terrible for the mother and the baby, and told the husband that his parents could visit for up to 2 hours at a time on two occasions in the first week, and that no visitors should stay for more than 2 days during the first month as it could seriously upset the baby and disrupt any attempts at establishing a breastfeeding routine.

Since the baby will need feeding 10-12 times in every 24-hr period, and for up to 30 mins or longer each time (so I'm told!), that doesn't leave much time for visitors anyway - especially since you will most definitely need to feed in a dark, quiet room with no other people or distractions at first to establish proper feeding And if your baby takes an hour or so per feed, who's going to say anything?

I really would speak to your MW though - she'll be on your side, especially if she thinks you're getting distressed.