How do you keep the romance alive?

[Beatlesfan]

I was interested to read in yesterday's paper that Melinda Messenger had what seems to be a lot of couple's problems after children/a long time together. See below...

relationship woes

My OH and I frequently talk about how much of a rut we are in, how we would like to be more romantic etc. and it's ok for a few weeks maybe then it all goes back to living like housemates again....

We can't seem to sustain it, we admit we both are very tired etc. but also we get a bit "why should I make the effort if you don't" and it is usually me that breaks and thinks oh I'll make an effort, e.g. booking babysitters to go out, initiating intimacy etc.

I read some bits of the Melinda article to him - namely these bits -

Wayne has agreed with me to try and sort out our differences. I now get more hugs and kisses, he tells me he loves me and he sends me lovely text messages as opposed to just ‘Can you bring home bread?’ or ‘Put another wash load on.’


Now it’s like ‘I love you babe. I miss you.’ And he’ll cook me dinner or take me away for a weekend.

“I get back and foot rubs again—which I really need with all this skating!


“Things are MUCH better in the bedroom. You wouldn’t believe the difference getting fit makes and the training’s done wonders for my figure!”

OH said it won't last more than a few weeks (meaning the effort that is made) and it just made me feel hopeless that we might get back on track to having an exciting and meaningful, romantic life together!

How does everyone else keep the flame going? I have booked up some comedy and theatre visits for later in the year so we laugh and share things together. I think the main issue is getting OH to realise that i need more affection etc to get in mood and usual stuff.. don't always want it to lead to sex (but i know we'd have more sex if there was more affection). why can he not see this?? I have spelt it out to him and what I'd like for dates if he bothered to organise them...still I do the organising if I want to get out with him etc.

Thanks. Mods... was going to post this in entertainment section, but as it's more a Q of relationships stuck it in here...please move if you think it's in the wrong bit.

 

[babyblonde]

It probably helps that we hardly see eachother! We only have one evening a week together (two if we're REALLY lucky) - so I think we have become quite good at making the most of it.

I find it's in the little things, as in you just do little things for eachother (even if it's just tidying up for when you get home). we try to make time to go for a walk or a drink on a fairly regular basis so that we have time for a chat, no washing up, no tv etc. Sometimes we just sit in bed in the evenings and chat about stuff.

That and lots of hugs - can never have too many hugs.

 

[Beatlesfan]

It probably helps that we hardly see eachother! We only have one evening a week together (two if we're REALLY lucky) - so I think we have become quite good at making the most of it.

I find it's in the little things, as in you just do little things for eachother (even if it's just tidying up for when you get home). we try to make time to go for a walk or a drink on a fairly regular basis so that we have time for a chat, no washing up, no tv etc. Sometimes we just sit in bed in the evenings and chat about stuff.

That and lots of hugs - can never have too many hugs.

Thanks babyblonde I think the fact that we spend quite a bit of time with each other does not help. We do stuff for each other like the tidying etc. I would say we are very considerate and thoughtful towards each other on a practical level...it's more about the lack of fun and passion. We do go for walks sometimes but it's hard to talk about anything fun when you haven't done anything fun lately! It's more about babystuff and our frustrations at our situation at mo (work, money etc.)

I so agree with your comment about hugs.... sadly OH is not a huggy person (brought up with little affection) - again I do remind him gently that I need more hugs. Great for few days... then they dwindle.

OH bought me a book on aromatherapy for Xmas and I highlighted all the aromas which may help our moods..I thought maybe I'd invest in a couple of oil burners and tea lights from the cheap shop (& some key oils) and make it a rule to burn oil in the lounge/bedroom every night when Imogen has gone to bed. Maybe this will help us feel better and you never know, if I light a few extra candles, it might help us get in the mood (not that OH needs them... it's me that does! )

Thanks for your ideas babyblonde. Anyone else got any tricks for sustaining effort made/passion? x

 

[Meggiewoo]

Me and OH were like this for a good while. We bought each other some sex toys at christmas and now we can't keep our hands off each other!

I was always quite prudish to things like this - Man was I missing out!!

Kim x x x x

 

[beanie]

me and OH have had a few rocky patches and it is all too easy to just be mummy and daddy and forget why we are together.We have made a real effort to make sure we go out at least once a fortnight, for a meal, to the cinema, or just for a drink. When we can't get a babysitter we will have evenings just for us, where we'll watch a filmtogether or even just sit and chat about old times etc. Not particularly exciting but it reminds me why I fell for himand all the =great times we have had. He also phones me everyday to say hi, or I'll phone himto say hi (before Seren steals the phone to speak to daddy). One big thing for me was that we never seemed to be physical unless it was for sex, and I missed that, so now we cuddler loads (again usually the kids join in) or hold hands in public etc. Its those little things I like the bestand if youmake an effort to do them for a little while it quickly becomes the norm and you do them without thinking.

 

[Bloom]

Good Topic

IMO to make any relationship last your need to be great friends, some people are romantic, some are not. Its possible to change but to keep it up is another story. Its not easy to change who you are permanently but small changes are a lot easier.

I find doing things that make us laugh together are really good. But also simple things like walking the dog are great too.

I also find that spending the odd night apart makes us appreciate eachother a lot more (i havent done this for a while because of dd but i used to go out with the girls and stay at a friends house).

I have come to accept that my oh is not romantic and he never will be but he does make a huge effort now like giving me a kiss before he leaves every morning and telling me he loves me every day.

 

[Julia]

What is sex? We have not had any throughout my pregnancy and for the 6 weeks after my pregnancy. DH has not attempted to initiate anything (i get really offended by this). Just as we were getting things back on track after having my little girl (who is now 2) I got pregnant with my little boy (6 weeks).

I refuse to initiate anything because he has turned me down in the past (do not know why because I have definately not "let myself go" in any way, shape or form!!). I know pregnancy did not attract him (like many other men) but I would have thought by now he would be fine with it! To be honest, it is so manic with two children, time is very limited.

We go out one evening a week (thanks to babysitters). We really enjoy going out with each other, but again, this lead to nothing!!

Children most certainly puts pressure on a marriage where romance and sex is concerned!!

Julia xxxx