How can I help mother of my child ?...Post Natal Depression ?

[craig010272]

Hi everyone. I am worried about my ex-girlfriend that I recently split up with and would like to know if other people agree that I should be concerned and hopefully get some advice on what to do, if indeed "I" can do anything.

We were together for two and a half years and living together for the last 14 months before the split and have a 6 month old baby. We split three months ago when the baby was just 3 months old and it has been quite unpleasant at times although on some level we still both seem to love each other. Since the split I have been allowed to see my son just once which was two and a half weeks ago. When I met up with her to see him she looked fine and seemed fine in every way and we both admitted afterwards we had enjoyed the meeting. Since then there has been various e:mail and text contact involving feelings, arguments, blame etc. I want to see my son but would rather not have to go through the courts and it seemed recently that I wouldn't need to follow that route, but now I'm extremely worried about her, and that obviously means there might be reason for me to be worried about my son.....

Yesterday, because of the positive tone of recent discussions I asked her what "she" wanted to happen next, as in whether she wanted to meet to talk etc. Thats what recent discussions had suggested. I asked by text because "sometimes" she is reluctant to meet to discuss things and "can" be very abrupt and dismissive on the phone. She replied by sending me a photo of herself with a swollen face, puffy eyes etc, generally looking in a bad way, complete with a message saying.....

"Happy now ?"
"Thats what stress, depression and emotional pain have done to me. Thought you would be happy to see that - call it your reward. You got your revenge for all the perceived pain I've caused you. You must be very proud that you won the war. Well done you!"


Lately she has repeatedly told me that I hate her and that she is scared of me. The reason she feels like that is because we had some arguments that were heated on both sides, but in no way do I hate her, and she has never had a genuine reason to be scared of me.
Anything I say to her gets twisted as if I'm trying to manipulate or control her when all I'm actually trying to do is help her. I have tried contacting her sister telling her how worried I am, but she has never wanted to get involved in any relationship issues either before or since the split.



That's a bit of recent background but going back to the problem....... I'm really really worried about her. She would never do anything to harm our baby but I'm wondering how well she can look after him if she is as low as it looks and sounds to me.

It's been suggested to me that post natal depression could be involved but the way it's looking to me right now is that she isn't far from having a breakdown of some kind. I desperately want to help her but she won't let me because she seems paranoid and thinks I'm out to get her. I don't know if she puts a brave face on in front of other people, or if they just don't care enough, or if I'm over reacting ?


I have a friend who works for cafcass and she has told me where I stand from a child access point of view. I want to see my son but my most pressing concern is his mum's well being so I don't want to start sending her solicitor's letters about access rights.

I've told her that I will contact her again in a few weeks about our son but if she needs anything in the meantime, I am here for them both. I really dont know what to do for the best ?



Thanks for any advice

 

[tinks77]

I'll be honest here, I doesn't seem like post natal depression. Sounds to me like she's upset/depressed/angry & hurt over the break up.
She needs to 'get over you' before she can move on with her life, a break up can take a long time to get over. I know you want to see your son and I'm not saying don't see him but can you see him but you don't have to see each other (through a family member or such)? As at the moment everytime she sees you she will get upset and angry all over again.
Break ups are hard but she does need to understand that it's definetly over and maybe meeting even if its so you can see your son makes her think that you may get back together again

 

[craig010272]

Thanks for the reply. I must admit that personally it didn't sound like post natal depression to me but I haven't got any experience of it so couldn't dismiss it. She admitted she was struggling to get over me but at the same time told me it was over for good. I would try to rebuild the relationship if given a genuine chance but she keeps just flirting with the idea and then tells me I hate her. The thing that is really concerning me is that she seems paranoid that I want to hurt her emotionally and that in the space of two weeks she has gone from looking absolutely amazing to looking like she is about to fall apart. I want to put my arms around her and take away all the pain we have both been through and she said the same a week ago....but she can't see past the paranoia enough to let herself be helped. I want to help her more than anything in the world but I can't see how because anything I do gets taken the wrong way and makes things worse. I feel utterly helpless watching someone I love fall apart.

 

[tabbi]

Break-ups are hard hunni, you have just got to do what is right for you and your son. She needs to get use to you two not being together and having a child try mediation if possible to work out some kind of contact and then if it fails go court, you need to be seeing your son more than once in 3 months.
Its not about her no matter how much you want to be together its about a 6 month old little boy who needs his daddy around. When she realises that you are wanting to be there for your son, she might and i say MIGHT soften to make things easier on her and yourself.
I cant say too much as i dont know the in's and out's of what happened and why or who did the dumping. you need to think 1st and most importantly about your son thats it. she hasnt got depression she is wanting to mess with your head, and wanting to hurt you through everyway possible.

good luck with your son and spoil him rotten over christmas and make sure you see him x x x

 

[craig010272]

She was the one who ended the relationship but without going into our full and complicated past, we had problems that we were just about managing to handle, but then just before she gave birth the friction between us increased another notch.

In her words recently she "misses the old Craig desperately", "the Craig that she fell in love with and wanted to raise a child with and spend the rest of her life with" but feels that she never really knew him.
Pregnancy hormones were almost certainly involved in making the difference between us being able to handle our problems and them boiling over. I underestimated how powerful hormones could be so made no allowance, for which I kick myself every day.

I would love to try again because we have both learned a lot from this. I think her heart is telling her to try again but her head is telling her "No" so she has got an inner battle going on with herself.

I've accepted that I will never get her back but don't want her to be unhappy and if the photo is a true representation then I'm worried that her inner battle is destroying her, literally.

Any approach I make right now about access to my son is confusing her more and more and making things worse because she thinks I'm trying to use access to my son to hurt her emotionally. If I could get her to see that I'm not trying to hurt her then I know for a fact she would be happy for me to have regular access.