Help advice needed please

[OverTheMoon]

I hope someone can offer me some advice as i am currently in a situation where i am at a loss to know what to do for the best....
I have a beautiful son who is 21months old and 7 months pregnant with number 2.
I live in the middle east so far away from family and friends although i have made friends here i don't like to burden them with my problems.
My DH has taken to drinking in a big way and its ruining our relationship. He's out most nights and it doesn't help that i can't go out drinking, so i am stuck at home night after night worrying when he will be home as he's always at least two hours later than he says he is going to be, also he takes the car so i have the added worry that something may happen to him or he'll hurt someone else thru drink driving.
I am spending most of my time in tears, and when we do see each other its always a slanging match as i go off on one about what he's doing but to him its no big deal. I've tried reasoning with him when he's sober but he still thinks i am making a big deal of nothing. I have considered ringing his mum but don't really want to make that step.
I just want to get on a plane and go home but i can't do that either. I hope to god this is just a phase he is going through but he seems totally oblivious to the pain he is causing right now. Does anyone have any suggestions of what i can do to put things right.

 

[Melly+2]

that were me id chuck the lot of his clothes out of the house and him with them, id find someone to stay with hun, dont worry about b urdening them, tell them whats going on and ask them if you can stay for a while, hope you get things sorted soon

 

[Melly+2]

that were me id chuck the lot of his clothes out of the house and him with them, id find someone to stay with hun, dont worry about b urdening them, tell them whats going on and ask them if you can stay for a while, hope you get things sorted soon

 

[NIE]

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I really don't know what to suggest that will help. If it was me I would leave, but it is up to you to decide what is best of you.

I hope you get things sorted out

Take Care x x x

 

[Alfiesmummy]

oh hun, easier said then done isnt it leaving. because i can probably bet that you still see the DH whose sober and is caring, the old DH and whilst theres hope youll get that back your probably refusing to give up on him.

Hun this will not change unless you make it so. Whats going to happen when the baby is here?

Ian went through a big drinking stage ... hes always been a drinker but after we lost our first he started drinking hevily, i cant describe how bad he was and how angry he became after hving a drink. I took it and took it and took it everything he dished out. the cruel words etc because i believed he was still in there, the ian i had fallen in love with.

But he turned into a complete monster and what turned us round was the day before my 12 week scan with Alfie. I was ata spa because i was so scared about the scan the following day i needed to relax, when i came home he was steaming drunk, out in the pub absoloutely annialated (sp) he just flipped when he realised i was upset, i got jumped on (12 weeks pregnant) by one of my friends, he was in a state so i got really upset. He kicked off and in the end he got arrested.

I threw him out, told him i didnt need him etc. He changed after that, sorted himself out. It was the first time hed ever threatened to leave and i didnt follow. I think he realised then that he was losing me.

I think you need to make some drastic action as otherwise he will keep walking all over you. You have one child you say already? It isnt fairfor them to watch, your DH isnt being much of a role model, a parent or a husband.

I hope so much that you can work things out and he can come off the drink, but please think of your children is this the sort of man you want around them?

 

[trixipaws]

oh no hun, it sounds like the early stages of becoming an alcoholic. u need to get it sorted now or else it will just get worse. he shouldnt be like this especially while ur pregnant. i dont kno what 2 advise except to get help, either from friends/family or professional. dont just hope it will go away on its own
good luck

 

[OverTheMoon]

Had another horrible night last night. He went to watch the football and said he'd be home by eight. Half ten he comes in and straight upstairs to the spare room, I steamed in after him and told him I have booked a flight home for asap after the new baby comes. He said if I ever threaten to take his children away from him he will hunt me down and bury me. That was all he kept saying, again and again and again. I ended up hyperventilating through the tears.
Our son is oblivious to the problems as i make a conscious effort to be 'normal' around him, but he is being very clingy so maybe he is picking up on it anyway. I even suggested councelling last night and he said 'you can do what you like'.
The problem is i still love him so much. I know it sounds like a cliche but we were the 'perfect couple'. He loves our son dearly and it would kill him to lose him.
He has gone off to work this morning after waking up and being totally normal, i don't think he can remember some of the things he said to me last night like I should go back to the pikey life i came from before i met him. I just can't imagine going on like this but i also can't imagine life without him. Sorry to ramble on but it helps just to get it out in the open, as no-one else knows about this. My parents being so far away would be sooo worried if they knew.
Anyway its time to put a brave face on and face the day. Thanks for all your advice (even if it did make me cry!!!)

 

[Melly+2]

 

OvertheMoon,

I have every sympathy for you because I'm going through the same myself. My partner doesn't get drunk every night, just weekends when he's out with friends, but he smokes dope and is terribly moody with that. Our recent holiday was a nightmare because of his moods - and because I am now hormonal and less able to act like the pacifier and keep quiet, our rows now go on and on.

Anyway, it seems to me like when you're in a relationship like this, it doesn't matter what anyone else says: you cannot leave and you don't want him to leave because the situation has worn down your self-esteem so much (and you're already feeling vulnerable because you're pregnant and have another child) that you feel more needy and dependant on him as a result.

If you're like me, you have this idea of how things "should" be - in your head you've noted how in love you were at the start and recall all the qualities you saw in this man in the beginning and those things should add up to a happy family life together. No matter what he does now, your mind is still firmly fixed on that imagined future - an idealistic future. You convince yourself that it's still possible to live "happily ever after", despite the reality of the frequent rows, the worry he causes you, the tears you cry, how your other child acts because of the atmosphere.

Why, in the face of such evidence every day, of our home lives being stressful and unhappy places, do we replace that with a mental picture of an imaginary home life that is loving, secure and happy? I think it's because it's the only way to get ourselves through the bad times - if we didn't, we'd crack up!

In the last month or so, I have been gradually trying to see things at home as how they "really" are. I have always "known" that my partner's moods were bad and about his faults, but always remembered how loving he used to be. It was as though I was replacing the bad reality with a good memory of him. Now, instead of imagining how things could change back to how they were when we were in love at the start, I've started to focus on the present rows. The next day, when things calm down, I replay his twisted face from the night before in my mind (when he's calmed down and is going out to work as though everything's fine). I've started to recall how he's had me in tears. Most of all, I've started to get angry. I've started to realise I deserve better than this. I have also started to imagine my life in 10 years, with things as they are now and it's not a pretty sight!

What I'd probably do if I was you is to take control, at least in my head. I'd decide to act as though I didn't care if he drinks himself into oblivion/crashes whilst drunk, but to go to bed when he's out and say nothing about it - just be asleep (or pretend to be) when he rolls in. Even if you are lying in bed worried sick, decide to act nonchalant because no matter how much you worry, you can't change what will happen to him when he's out drinking.

Secondly, I would acknowledge to myself that although it's too late in pregnancy to fly home, as soon as my child is old enough, I'd leave if I still wanted to. I would then start making practical plans, like saving up some housekeeping money for such an eventuality and imagining where in the UK I'd move to, contacting the local council there or a looking at the price of property to rent back home privately, what benefits I'd be entitled to etc. You can do all of this online. I would then imagine myself in a little flat or house, back in the UK as a single parent, near my friends and family, coping on my own with 2 kids. I don't mean imagining that as all doom and gloom either! I mean really try to imagine your own little place - and how you could be happy on your own. You could go to mother & toddler groups, make friends, take the kids swimming/to the park, arrange a babysitter and go out for a night with those new friends...the possibilities are endless - you're only imagining a future...

You do not have to leave him at all, but if you give yourself the freedom - in your mind - to plan an escape, and even take some practical steps like saving up and looking into how you would go (all without letting on to your husband and even acting as though everything's fine), then you will feel more in control and less dependant on him. If you do this, you will also be less worried about his drinking, because you'll have - in your head - a way out that doesn't depend on him. Perhaps if you do all of these things, by the time your new baby is a few months old, you'll be stronger and will perhaps decide to leave him - but you'll have a proper choice by then.

Good luck and come on here any time for support or PM me if you need to vent your feelings - we can support each other

 

[trixipaws]

sweetheart, sorry to be blunt, you probably wont like me saying this, but he doesnt love you. you dont say stuff like this to someone you love

He said if I ever threaten to take his children away from him he will hunt me down and bury me. That was all he kept saying, again and again and again. I ended up hyperventilating through the tears... I even suggested councelling last night and he said 'you can do what you like'...some of the things he said to me last night like I should go back to the pikey life i came from before i met him.

you deserve better

 

[HappyAlice]

OvertheMoon,

I have every sympathy for you because I'm going through the same myself. My partner doesn't get drunk every night, just weekends when he's out with friends, but he smokes dope and is terribly moody with that. Our recent holiday was a nightmare because of his moods - and because I am now hormonal and less able to act like the pacifier and keep quiet, our rows now go on and on.

Anyway, it seems to me like when you're in a relationship like this, it doesn't matter what anyone else says: you cannot leave and you don't want him to leave because the situation has worn down your self-esteem so much (and you're already feeling vulnerable because you're pregnant and have another child) that you feel more needy and dependant on him as a result.

If you're like me, you have this idea of how things "should" be - in your head you've noted how in love you were at the start and recall all the qualities you saw in this man in the beginning and those things should add up to a happy family life together. No matter what he does now, your mind is still firmly fixed on that imagined future - an idealistic future. You convince yourself that it's still possible to live "happily ever after", despite the reality of the frequent rows, the worry he causes you, the tears you cry, how your other child acts because of the atmosphere.

Why, in the face of such evidence every day, of our home lives being stressful and unhappy places, do we replace that with a mental picture of an imaginary home life that is loving, secure and happy? I think it's because it's the only way to get ourselves through the bad times - if we didn't, we'd crack up!

In the last month or so, I have been gradually trying to see things at home as how they "really" are. I have always "known" that my partner's moods were bad and about his faults, but always remembered how loving he used to be. It was as though I was replacing the bad reality with a good memory of him. Now, instead of imagining how things could change back to how they were when we were in love at the start, I've started to focus on the present rows. The next day, when things calm down, I replay his twisted face from the night before in my mind (when he's calmed down and is going out to work as though everything's fine). I've started to recall how he's had me in tears. Most of all, I've started to get angry. I've started to realise I deserve better than this. I have also started to imagine my life in 10 years, with things as they are now and it's not a pretty sight!

What I'd probably do if I was you is to take control, at least in my head. I'd decide to act as though I didn't care if he drinks himself into oblivion/crashes whilst drunk, but to go to bed when he's out and say nothing about it - just be asleep (or pretend to be) when he rolls in. Even if you are lying in bed worried sick, decide to act nonchalant because no matter how much you worry, you can't change what will happen to him when he's out drinking.

Secondly, I would acknowledge to myself that although it's too late in pregnancy to fly home, as soon as my child is old enough, I'd leave if I still wanted to. I would then start making practical plans, like saving up some housekeeping money for such an eventuality and imagining where in the UK I'd move to, contacting the local council there or a looking at the price of property to rent back home privately, what benefits I'd be entitled to etc. You can do all of this online. I would then imagine myself in a little flat or house, back in the UK as a single parent, near my friends and family, coping on my own with 2 kids. I don't mean imagining that as all doom and gloom either! I mean really try to imagine your own little place - and how you could be happy on your own. You could go to mother & toddler groups, make friends, take the kids swimming/to the park, arrange a babysitter and go out for a night with those new friends...the possibilities are endless - you're only imagining a future...

You do not have to leave him at all, but if you give yourself the freedom - in your mind - to plan an escape, and even take some practical steps like saving up and looking into how you would go (all without letting on to your husband and even acting as though everything's fine), then you will feel more in control and less dependant on him. If you do this, you will also be less worried about his drinking, because you'll have - in your head - a way out that doesn't depend on him. Perhaps if you do all of these things, by the time your new baby is a few months old, you'll be stronger and will perhaps decide to leave him - but you'll have a proper choice by then.

Good luck and come on here any time for support or PM me if you need to vent your feelings - we can support each other

Brilliant post Wendy, I was thinking exactly the same thing but not as good at writing it down - I too have lived with a man like this in the past. And for months/years I carried on with the idea of how things 'should be' and the hope they would return to that soon. They never did, and the day I got away was more a relief than a stress. Yes it's worrying how you'll cope but the joy of getting away and moving on with your life how you want it is the best feeling in the world. It's so important you think about yourself here overthemoon. Get by as best you can, avoid arguments, and like Wendy said make a get away plan in your head if you need to get away.
I bet your parents would be beside themselves if they knew, and if my daughter was in this position I would encourage her to get away ASAP.
If there's anything I can do for you overthemoon i'm right here
Remember, you can do anything

 

[Josephine_Beth]

Hate to say it but you're better off without him, can I be blunt and ask what nationality your other halve is please?

You have every right to up and leave for the health of you and your children, I am suprised you haven't done it now, I wouldn't wait til after the birth, if you have family in the UK, do it asap.

You can fly late pregnancy, as long as you have a note from your Gyn.

 

[OverTheMoon]

Well I don't want to tempt fate but it seems 'the worm has turned'..... we finally got to have a really good chat and i explained my feelings without any interruption from him. I also explained that I will be flying back to the UK as soon as I am able, and will stay with my parents for a month or so until he can fly out and join me for a friend's wedding mid Sept. He was quite gutted about this but i said I need to do it for me, and I think that the time away will make him really think about what he stands to lose if he keeps up the behaviour.
I am much calmer now and enjoying having my old husband back who i love to bits! Don't get me wrong he still goes out but the other night he went and told me he'd be late, and took a taxi. This meant that I could sleep easy without the worry, which makes a massive difference.
So I hope it stays this way and thank you all for your advice.