Having problems with OH :(

[_Rosie_]

well basically he started a new job back in january which pays a lot better then his last one but since he started it he's turned into someone i dont like very much. he walks around like he's better then everyone including me, he's rude and moody all the time and always winding me up even though he knows how insecure i am. he used to have soppy moments where he told me how much he loves me but recently he hardly ever talks to me and when he does he's being horrible. the worst thing is he doesnt realise he's doing it and i have tried talking to him but he just says sorry and then 5 minutes later goes back to being moody again.

i was 15 when i met him and was vulnerable after being sexually assaulted less then a year before that so i kind of felt safe with him. i lost all but one of my friends and now my parents have moved 3 hours away he is literally all i have and when he's being horrible i feel so alone.

the other day we had been deorating all day and his nephew was there who is friends with my OH as well as his nephew (their same age) and all day my OH was making little digs at me and winding me up by chatting about other girls. it got to the evening and he came upstairs after moaning at me all day that he wants the room painted and finished (by me) by the time he had finished downstairs and i hadnt finished and he started moaning and then said he was going out with his nephew and they were gunna look at girls and i just flipped and went up in his face and told him to fuck off and told him i hated him.

he then started shouting and telling me to pack my bag and fuck off but this was after he slapped me round the face and grabbed my shoulders and repeatedly kind of shook me against the wall making me hit my head. the slap didnt really hurt and i know he didnt even use half his power behind it i think it was just to shut me up. i was shocked though and went downstairs crying and his sister looked after me and then told him to come and apologise. he did and said the usual it wont happen again bla bla bla and i kind of forgave him coz we were both so exhausted but now i see that he is not who he used to be he's always moody and in the 3 years we have been together he's never laid a finger on me.

i dont want to just throw the relationship away but if he doesnt think he's doing wrong how can he change? what worries me is that even if i wanted to i wouldnt be able to leave him i just feel too scared and i wouldnt know what to do without him. anyway sorry this is so long and you dont have to reply i just wanted to vent thanks x x x

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Please get out of there hun please.
Iv not been through domestic violence but i know thats how it starts, a little slap here, grabbing you hard there. Please get it sorted before its too late babe. I really dont want to come on here one day for someone to say you have been badly beaten by hun...ok it may sound extreme now but who knows?
The worst bit is him thinking hes doing nothing wrong. IF he thinks its ok to hit you and treat you like shit then there is nothing really you can do hun to repair that I understand though about the feeling safe with him, but trust me you dont owe him anything for that, he owes you some respect hun.
Take care and i hope your ok. PM me anytime if you want to talk hun ok
xx

 

[Beth88]

Hun get out of there.. Any violence is so so wrong i know it might not feel like he'll do it again, but you can't be sure Just get out of there sweety and go somewhere safe..
i hope your ok..

 

[Jade&Evie]

I've PM'd you x

 

[zebrastripes]

poor you.

I think you should leave him. In a relationship, you should be safe in the knowledge that, if you aren't getting on so well, you CAN yell and say horrible things to each other, but all the while knowing that you'll make it up-not that it will turn into physical abuse.

I've also been with my OH 3 years and if he ever laid a finger on me he'd be out on his ass before he knew it. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, 3 years or 30- he obviously no longer respects you, no mater how nice he was in the first place. People can change, and his potential for violence was obviously there all along. The best thing you can do is get out of it now while you're still young. Being lonely and isolated is better than being trapped with an abusive partner

 

[Penstraze]

I know how hard it is when you live away from your family and friends and have no one nearby for yourself it sounds like he isn't the person you love any more he has become someone else and you are just staying with him because he is all you have there, I made this mistake and it really broke my confidence and my soul really it went on for alot longer then it should have and in the end I had an affair and ended up leaving him for the other man, I supose without someone else I couldnt have gotten the courage/excuse to leave and was scared of being alone. But it really was a big mistake the man I left him for was not the man he came accross as me leaving really shook my OH up and made him realised how he had changed and how nasty he had been being to me we are now back together, married and with a baby on the way and are both alot happier, he once told me he talked to me and treated me that way because I let him!!!

I am not saying leave him and he will change and want you back and you'll live happliy every after what I am trying to say is that as long as you stay and let him treat you this way he will do. My OH has never laid a finger on me and the second he did and I felt any fear of him what so ever that would be it! You cannot live in fear of your partner, you can and would be alot happier on your own then living like that! What I would do is call your parents tell them what happened and how upset scared and lonely you are and I am hoping they will come through for you, it is amazing how parents can really be there for you when you need them mine have suprised me many times even from such a great distance (mine live a similar distance away) they can still be the suport you need! I really hope you get out of there and dont let him get away with treating you this way, it could be that you leaving is what he needs to change and you can work things out or it could be he has changed too much from the person he once was and you are not going to get that person back either way I really think leaving is your best and only option right now!

 

[Melly+2]

A slap turns into a punch a kick a hand round your neck, please get out i talk from experience

 

[nickilubs]

Sounds like time to get out. He has just given you the first warning of much worse to come. My ex didn't become obviously abusive till about 3 years in thats when he would hit. But before that he would "accidentally" throw things that would hit me....spill hot drinks over me....push me and stuff. Things that I felt were my fault. I say go to your familly.x

 

[_Rosie_]

thanks for the replies and jade&evie thanks for the pm

i know if it was me looking in from the outside i would tell myself to leave but when your actually in the situation it feels so different. we are going to devon together next week to see my family, this is one reason i didnt tell my mum because she would be so concerned about me she'd probably try and force me to stay. i will give him a chance and see how he acts when were away where he doesnt have the excuse of being tired for his moodiness as at home he has 12 hour shifts starting at all different times of the day so i understand he's tired but it doesnt cost anything to smile.

another thing is i hardly ever leave the house because my job at the moment is looking after his 21 month old niece which i have been doing since she was 3 months old so im kind of shut of from society. im meant to be starting a course next month so i can work in the aiport but if i leave him and live in devon i wont be near an airport and i dont have qualifications to get a job and im painfully shy. i can see myself that i rely on him too much and that puts him in a position of power. if he is still acting the same when were away then i will seriously consider staying in devon and not coming back as i find the walking away bit the hardest as i have packed my bag before and gone to the station but i couldnt bring myself to get on the train.

anyway thanks girls it really helped me to get it out in the open it makes me feel that its not just in my head. x x x

 

[mamichuli]

Aww Rosie, this is sh*t hun...I'm afraid that it is not likely to change - been there, I know. You DO need to get out - Remember, abuse is not jus physical - it is also mental and emotional; he has been making you feel bad for some time now, he has only just started to get physical.
If he is like other men that abuse women, he will prob be REALLy nice for a short while and THEN he will get nasty again. He is actually wearing you down emotionally and doing away with your self confidence. He will end up implying it is your fault he loses his temper with you...
You need to get out, your family is your best support, speak to your Mum.
I know that it may seem as if there are no answers, work, stability, etc, but there are other options, you just havnt thought of them yet!
You can do it kid, all by yourself, but let your family know so that they can help you




Lisa

 

[Penstraze]

I know it is so much easier for people looking in on the outside to say leave then it is for you to do it but time really wont change the fact he doesn't have the respect for you that he should have and the longer you put up with him treating you this way the less respect he will have!
As mamichuli has said he will probably be nice as pie when your away hes around your family hes got making up for slapping you to do too so im sure he will be on his best behaviour again until he feels confident he has gotten away with it and will be back to his obnoxious self only next time his temper gets the beter of him it will most likely be more then a slap!! Please don't let yourself get trapped in the cycle of abuse that its hard to break out of think of this trip to Devon as great timing and a blessing not to see how he behaves I think its fairly obvious how he will behave although to be honest I am hoping he will be horrible and you will stay just because I am scared for you where this situation will end up if you don't! Please tell your Mum what happened you say she will try and make you stay please think about why she will want you to stay because you are not safe or happy with this man!!

 

[trixipaws]

im not sure what to advise- by reading that i am inclined to say as the others have said and tell u to leave him- but i kno its not always that simple and sometimes couples do have one-off moments but are not "violent relationship"s. iv been with my boyf for 8 years now and in all that time we've had millions of rows where we shout at each other and say horrible things- but we are not violent to each other. HOWEVER, on ONE occasion my boyf kicked me i was sat on the arm of a sofa and i fell back and hit my head on a bookshelf. also i must add that on a separate occasion i punched him in the leg so im no angel either
so we have each had our one strike i suppose but i wouldnt say we should split up over them. u need to have a long think about it and decide whether it WAS a one-off or if u suspect he might make a habit of it, or whether to work at the relationship, good luck i hope u make the right decision.

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

I know this is so easy for me to say and others have said it also but you need to get out. You sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve this. Stay with your mum for a while, you will be safe there. I'm sorry if this is no help so have some hugs instead

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi Rosie,

It's very difficult but I'd be inclined to agree with what most of the others have said. Your OH clearly doesn't respect you and it sounds like he's learned to take advantage of your good nature and shyness. It will be hard at first but especially given you've got a supportive family, you can do it and it would be better now than a few years down the lines when things could potientially have got a lot worse and more complicated.

All the best, stay strong