Have been crying all afternoon. Need support.

[MissThing]

Hi all.

I had quite a miserable day!
Dont know with what to start. Well, first of all we had a baby just 11 days ago. Which is quite stressful. Then next week we are moving, and the things are not going smoothly with that thing either. Third, my mum is coming this Wensday and staying with us for almoust 3 weeks...And, strangly, this is the main problem! And I am talking about my own mother

The problem is, that she is a bit unstabled plus a control freak! Like everything I do is wrong (well, maybe not everything but it sounds like it)!
She lives in another country and she is single, and working a lot, and no bf and I am the only child, so life isnt easy for her. But I dont think it gives her right to be the way she is to me!

Even before the baby was born, her attitude was like "pls dont murder the baby" (that was said after I told her that we were invited to a wedding, when he will be month old!)Is this normal??? I never ever in my life have done anything what could make her feel that Im irresponsible!I love my baby to bits!And I would never ever do anything to harm him! And this comes from my MOTHER! Which hurts me a lot!

Now, when he is born, she is trying to bully me in things! Starting with the LO wearing hat when at home (I dont think that is vital, she thinks I am light headed mother who is murdering her baby) and ending with breastfeeding question, which is very painfull to me!

All my life I knew I want to breastfeed! I had all those pictures in my head of me holding the LO while he is sucking my breast. But when after 6 days he lost 1 pound (more then 11%) and we got back in hospital I had to start bottlefeeding. Every feed he wants around 80 mls. I can express around 30, and I think that breastfeeding him for whole hour he can get about 15mls (I have rather flat nipples, and i think thats the problem too). And, strangely he gets sick from my milk as well
So, after quite a long thinking, I decided to go just with the formula, ocassionally trying to breastfeed him as well.

I know its not the best option! And I really wish I had no problems with breastfeeding! So the last thing I need now, my mother making the things even worse!

We had a row on the phone today. And I just cant stand it anymore!She thinks Im lightheaded!Not mature enought to be a mother and etc! And that is coming from my mum! The person I need support of most!
I just dont know what to do!

After this thing I dont know if I want her to come! I have been crying all afternoon, baby is unsettled becourse of that (I suppose he can feel my emotions)! She is supposed to stay for 3 weeks, and I dont know how I will cope! I dont want every day to be like this!

Its just sooo sooo hard!With baby, moving...I just need a mum, but seems I dnt really have one at the moment

 

[SarahH]

if I were you I would just tell her everything you have said.

You are the mother, not her so dont let her make you feel bad as you dont agree with what she says.

I have the exact same prblem with my mother in law, and ended up sitting down and telling her and things have been great since then.

Lots of hugs to you

Try not to let her get to you.

 

[MissThing]

Sarah: The problem is that I have been telling her all those things!
And she just goes mad!

She is like "well, then dont ever ask me anything, if you dont value my opinion" "I have my own thoughts on the matters, and I will do as I want, you cant make me support you, if I dont agree with that"

Last thing was "nobody ever supported me"!

I am just tired of trying to be sensible and sensitive with her.
I am trying to stay calm and explain, she hangs down the phone. switches her mobile and I end up in tears.

I just dont know what to do

 

[SarahH]

surely she should realise how much support you need just now, baby move etc...

Would it make it worse if your OH had a word?

 

[MissThing]

The slight problem is that she doesnt speak very good English. So I think It would make the matters worse, in case she misunderstands something

So, the whole thing is quite complicated

 

[trixipaws]

 

[Emmylou]

Awww hun, my MIL is very interfering. Nothing I do is ever 100% right, i have bitten my tongue and not said anything sooo much!! For it to be your own mum though, I really think you should just put your foot down. It is hard enough with a newborn let alone being told you aren't doing a 'good enough' job, sounds to me like you are doing a brilliant job - you are putting babies needs and your happiness first - which is exactly the right thing to do.

I think your mom needs to be told that you have made your decision with these things, and that that is the end of the conversation, not an opening for her to tell you what you could/ should have done. Thats not helpful, she should just be letting you be a mother.....and I would be tempted to suggest you say to her that if she doesn't agree with you then she shouldn't come......because you are his mother, she is the grandmother, but your decision is final.

Good luck with this hun, its a tough one isn't it....you definitely need these

 

[Redshoes]

From what you've said Carina she sounds very childish. I'm sorry youhave all this to deal with after just having your little boy, I would just suggest doing and saying what you feel you have to, in a calm way, and hopefully she will relax with you as she sees how good a Mummy you are You need to take care of LO but equally important you need to take care of you too, never mind what you aren't doing, focus on what you are, and do it well, despite what anyone says or thinks, very best wishes

 

[MissThing]

Thanks to everyone for support

 

[Red_Fairy]

maybe put her off coming to visit? - say with the move and everything you just want to settle in first? I know i did. (i moved when hannah was 2 weeks old)
As a new mum, you do not need this added stress. Big hugs to you x

 

[Red_Fairy]

oops - also, i REALLY wanted to breast feed - and i had exactly the same problems as you. Plus hannah was amassive baby and just wanted to eat eat EAT AND EAT.
If id have tried to carry on breast feeding i feel id have put my own health at risk (im tiny and very anermic)
I started bottle feeding and have never looked back. Best thing i ever did.
DO NOT PUNUSH yourself for somthing like this - motherhood is hard enough without you feeling like you've failed at somthing!!!!!

 

[MissThing]

Rachel:

Well, she is coming today...We had a long discussion on the phone, and once again I made my point that last word is mine. That we value her advices, but we have the right to decide by ourselves...
Hope 3 weeks will pass smothly...

 

[Tiny Sue]

Hi Carina

I hope that all is going smoothly with your mother. I can't say that I understand because my mother passed away many years ago and my mother in law is very rare (an angel).

However I did have the same problems breastfeeding my LO because she was one month premature and my milk wouldn't come in, also she was too small to latch on and so I ended up expressing to bottle for about the first 6 weeks, after which I switched to formula.

She got sick from my milk too, it's called reflux and is quite a common problem.

Please don't worry too much. I am sure that your mother means well but you have to explain to her that things were done differently when you were a baby, and there are new ideas etc now about keeping a baby all wrapped up. They say it's more dangerous now to have a baby too warm than too cold!

My MIL would always ask me where Naomi's hat was and I would calmly say that children didn't need to be wrapped up so much now, today's houses are so much warmer and the weather too etc. She doesn't now, and she is very good.

I hope things go well. Try not to stress yourself.

Sue

 

[MissThing]

Sue

Everything is going better then I thought I talked to her and we got to the agreement

I know she loves me and she absolutely loved the baby... And actually having her around is quite helpfull

So, everything is fine

 

[mrs_tommo22]

woohoo, just remind her that you wsnt your family time together to be special and you dont want to be arguing with her over silly things.

You know your right at the end of the day so grin and bear it and make the most of her being around and make sure she does the cleaning!!!