First time Mums only....

[floppit]

Or others with a good memory and lots of empathy!

How many first timers struggle with other Mum's talking 'at them'? Some Mums have given me loads of encouragment (I'm talking 100% from real life) but one mum in particular is driving me up the pole!! The rest is just me moaning about my sitch - I want to know whether I'm the only one struggling with being a first time mum and getting more advice than I want sometimes.

We used to be really good friends but for a while when my hubby was ill she was one of the friends I counted as 'lost' because it seemed like she just didn't want the friendship if anything got in the way of life on the piss. I mentioned that because i don't know if that's part of why I'm not coping very well with her now.

This is my problem, whatever I plan, whatever I get excited about or say about what I'd like I get the benefit of her 'experience' which invariabley amounts to me being misguided.

Skip this moaning bit if you want!! --- > I want to stick with breast feeding - she tells me to buy formula and sterilisers in case I don't like it (I KNOW there are bits I won't like but I want to stick with it). I want to wear my baby and I've researched it - she says I'm unrealistic and a pram is the way to go. I say we're lucky that most things we do as a couple a baby will be able to go with us - she says I will need more babysitters than I think because we'll need regular evenings alone (I want that very much - just not so much in the first few months). I say I'd 'like' to have the first year at home but don't know if I can - she says it's impossible to live off one income.

I wish she didn't know I was pregnant, I don't think she's doing it on purpose, I haven't a clue why it gets to me so much but I feel crowded and just want to avoid her like the plague. The thing is since she's known I'm pregnant she seems to ant more time with me than ever - still the same ol' same ol' though, time on her terms.

I feel more pressure from her than from my MIL (by a mile) or anyone else. I want to enjoy going into this with my own thoughts, none of them are that weird and I know experience will change a lot of them but I still want to enjoy planning and dreaming. I do listen to other parents - just more than one of them, and maybe like anyone I seek out people doing things I want to do too, like baby wearing etc.

 

[paradysso]

i agree if u dont wanna know, just tell em where to go hehe

i totally agree with slinging baby and breast feeding, co-sleeping, we plan on doing it for next baby.

i did how ever buy some formula, just 1 carton of ready made, as from experince with alana, she suddenly got very hungry and i could not provide enough so she needed that it extra in the first days.

regards to baby wearing.. we did buy a double buggy just in case, but since put it up for sale as we are just going to sling this new one, its the safest warmest way for them.

 

[floppit]

Thanks for the encouragement. I suppose I find it hard because I haven't got the experience yet but that doesn't stop me having ideas and it doesn't make them daft. I might not have experienced having a kid but I have done lots of different things with my life - I'm used to embarking on life change and I know myself very well.

I think because we've struggled as friends for a while (or I have - I dunno) I'm cautious of being too blunt. I don't want to hurt her feelings or rubbish her ideas, I just want to stay an individual but it doesn't make it any easier that we've both got a bit over sensitive. I try to save being assertive for when I know why I'm bothered, this just bugs me. I've done alot of standing my ground with this friend and meant every bit of it - but by now I'm also a bit tired of being a hard nut.

I can't put my finger on why this hits such a nerve, it's not doing me any harm but it's sending me up the pole. I guess I'm not 100% sure it isn't me and I want to be before I call her out on it.

 

[paradysso]

its totally understandable. its your baby and you want to do it your way and learn from your own experience,

i was much the same with alana, i didnt take her to any baby clinics, i cudnt stand the fuss of the Health visitor checking i was doing every thing to the book. i did it my way and looking back i feel i made all the right decisions, and learnt in my own way

sorry i know u were only asking 1st time mums hehe but i know where ur coming from.

 

[moomoo192]

oooh i feel for you hun

1st pregnancies seem to bring out the advice of EVERYBODY around you.. you wanna do this, you wanna do that, try this, try that, don't do this, don't do that, etc

Listen to the advice by all means but hear only what you want to hear and ignore the rest.

We all have our own ideas of what we want to do or try and we all learn by our own mistakes.

Remember its YOUR baby, you do things the way you want to and don't feel at all pressured.

I'll be one to admit i ignored some good advice and have made many mistakes and at times people have said you'll regret doing that and i have but its the way I chose to bring up MY baby (babies)

do what you feel you want to, follow your heart

 

[floppit]

Yeah - I'm confident enough (or just old!) to do what I think is right when the time comes, it's nice to hear that worked out for other too.

I just need to find a way to 'feel' more chilled with the 'advice' and comments. I seem to have an allergic reaction to it, especially because it's so damn persistant!

The ironic thing is if she gave me less advice I'd probably ask for some, I'd be much more likely to want to know how she felt about things if it wasn't being spoon fed to me. Maybe I'll try to remember that.

BTW - I don't mind Mum's answering, I just sort of meant it's from the point of view of a first baby, remembering what that felt like rather than what it feels like to be able to say 'I've experienced it myself'. If that makes sense?

 

[Squiglet]

Or others with a good memory and lots of empathy!

How many first timers struggle with other Mum's talking 'at them'? .

I still have that.. and I'm on the second one!!! Hello... been there, done it before...

There will always be people who want to "help" you.. and give you advice...

Just don't listen to it when it's offered, ask for it when you need it.... for one, your baby is your baby, and they all come out with such varied personalities, that it doesn't matter what one person does for their kid, because the likelihood is it won't work on yours... For instance, my experience about "wearing" my baby was a really good one, and if someone asked me I would say that is a better option than spending a fortune on an expensive travel system, but your friend obviously has a different view to this, proving that what's good for one baby is not necessarily good for another.

Don't let people push you around with things like that, people always do that with first time mums... especially if you are a young first timer. I still find that there is a sense of "Im better than you are" among mothers, and this arrogance seems to grow with each child that they have... Mind you I have met first time mothers who have the same level of arrogance so it's not just that.

Once that baby is born you will see that you will have created a unique individual with distinct likes and dislikes, babies are not all carbon copies of one another and trial and error are the only way a parent can truly learn. (psst that trial and error bit.. there will be A LOT of that )

 

[**C**]

The best bit of advice I had was not to listen to everyone else's!!!

You're the mum of this baby and you do things how you want to. I used to pretend I was listening to "you must do this, you'll need that blah..." and it would go in one ear and out the other

 

[minxie]

Feed on demand...dont feed on demand...

Have baby sleep in your room for the first 6 months...put baby in nursery straight away

breastfeed.....bottle is more practical do that*....

Id be rich if I got a penny for every contradicting bit of advice Ive had.

Its all a bit daunting being a first time mom-to-be...I dont know who to listen to. My mum is great though..she just tells me to go with whatever feels best once baby's born and that she will be there for baby and I. Its just everyone else that has an 'opinion' to give

* that comment came from a neighbour who couldnt breastfeed and seemed a little resentful towards mums who want to breastfeed..she said that mums who want to breastfeed think they are superior. Bottled milk is fine and healthy and Im not considering the fact that my OH might want to feed baby. charming eh? last time I ask for feeding advice from her lol

 

[Linda]

i'm having it all at the moment from my mum.

use terry toweling nappies as theres nothing better than having a line full of nappies. (told her i was looking into reusables but she just said it was lazy!!!)

we bought some baby stuff the other week and she said, she didnt buy anything until 2 weeks before both me and sis was born..

shes driving me crazy!!!

you have my full sympathy...

 

[flowergirl]

I work in a predominantly female environment and get a lot of advice but it has all *luckily* been good natured and not irritating. The irritating part came from my mother in law and sister in law who tried to convince me that THEY should be in the delivery suite with me when I go into labour because my husband 'wouldn't know what to do to help me' and that they would! I'm sorry but this baby is mine and my husband's and no one, no even my lovely mum will be joining us at the birth unless they're a trained midwife or Doctor!!

 

[floppit]

* that comment came from a neighbour who couldnt breastfeed and seemed a little resentful towards mums who want to breastfeed..

Yeah - I think my mate has a bit of that going on. The stupid thing is after she described how she was feeling I think she did the right thing switching to bottle but we're very different people.

I also wondered if it's because I'm 5 years older than her - in a loopy sort of way I think maybe she feels a bit judged by anything I suggest that's different to what she's done. I'm chewing over whether to ignore it or tackle it in the best way I can find (asking her to let me get excited about my own plans just the same as she did).

Flowergirl your post made me giggle!! This same friend did EXACTLY that. My hubby will be there at the birth but I've asked my best friend to be there as well, we've known each other since we were 11 and as she's a well known and respected nurse I've found I get treated much more like a thinking individual if she's around (I was a horse breaker for 7 yrs and she used to drag me to A&E with broken fingers/toes). As soon as the other friend heard this she said that SHE would love to be there and would be better because she'd been through childbirth - she started to plan shooting a video!!! Anyway on that occasion I didn't hesitate to be up front with a very clear - NO.

I mean - GOD I wouldn't invite myself into ANYBODY'S labour room!

 

[DebbieM]

I feel for you. Books and magazines warn you that when you get pregnant that people come out of the woodwork with all kinds of good advice and good intentions and thoughts on how to do this, that and everything and it is so true!

I've been told that I shouldn't worry through pregnancy or get stressed because my baby will get stressed and be worried when it's born. Er, hello! How can you NOT be worried when you think something awful might be happening to your baby (back when I bled).

Some things I have heard have just absolutely done my head in and I get really p****d off to be honest.

You do what you want! This is YOUR baby and no-one but you and your OH matter in what decisions you make for YOUR baby. I wish people would remember that if you need help, you'll ask for it.