Parenting - first timers or long memories!

[floppit]

I've always had thoughts about parenting, I think that's natural and human regardless of whether or not someone has had a kid. But now I know I'll face real decisions for myself rather than just meandering thoughts.

After my 20 weeks scan I found I can hardly stop myself imagining future life (I think before I struggled to imagine a unisex child!!). I've realised there's some things I feel really strongly about - some of them are a bit odd and I just wondered if other first timers are feeling the same around this time - or if people remember feeling that way when they had their first.

I know that things will change when the baby is here, and I know life always comes up with the unexpected - nothing i think now is inflexible to change but I am going to think, I'm not afraid to form ideas.

One thing I feel strongly about is to spend less on possessions for her, less mountains of cuddly toys and more on experiences - baby swimming sessions, baby signing. Then as she enters childhood proper maybe even second hand clothes but lots of access to sports and fun adventure stuff to do together (long bike rides, walks in woodland, and a trampoline in the back garden!). I want her to see art galleries, interactive sciency BUT play places. I also know that I want to teach her in her pre school years - not in nursery. I'd like her to spend time with a child minder so that she gets other kids around but under 5 I want to do the teaching because I don't want her to even associate reading, writing and maths with having to sit still, or do it at a desk - I want her to learn through play and be encouraged to discover the things she wants to learn for herself.

None of the above are strong moral beliefs, they're not things I think are either right or wrong - just stuff, just stuff that I think about parenting, about being ME as a parent rather than being morphed!

What stuff do/did you all think about?

 

[Manda&Thomas]

aww all that stuff sounds really nice.
i havant really thought about things like that tbh il proberly just go with the flow of life and help my child whenever it needs it and not to push it into anything
manda xx

 

[Tegala-7thMarch08]

i havnt been thinking about that much sounds like you got it all mapped out i think spending as much time with your child is great instead of having a babysitter and nursery and stuff...im just going to make sure my childs happy. and do whatever i need to from there really...

 

[Becs]

I want to do loads of cooking with them. Making ginger bread men for the Christmas tree, or making little fairy cakes (my mum used to let us lick the spoon).

I also want to do loads of out door activities, camping and learning about nature.

My husband and I are trustees of a charity that supports a school in Kenya and when they are old enough I want to take them once a year to see the school and the country and to grow up with a real perspective.

I could go on I'm so excited about Motherhood

P.S what is baby signing?

 

[MattM]

I think it's nice to have some strong ideas and yours sound very solid.

I would love our child to enjoy reading a book as much as games consoles (although preferably more!) I would like our child to take up a team sport or activity even though I hated sports when I was a child. I would like our child to enjoy walks and cycling.

Most of all I want our child be happy, loving and enjoy a balanced life.

 

[floppit]

It always makes me smile so much when I think about it - I love imagining bits and bobs.

Matt - it was funny when you mentioned a team sport - I've never thought about that because I've always done solo sports. It's not that I think one is better than the other just when I think about sport I think of climbing, riding, watersports, mountain biking etc.

I love the idea of taking a kid to Kenya too - I used to love to travel but hubby is not so keen and we haven't had the money for a long time, it's something on my wish list though!

Baby signing is sign language for babies, if they learn it most use it before they can control their vocal chords and it means they can actually 'say' thing like 'juice' when they want juice instead of milk. I hate hot housing kids (YUK!!) but this is mostly nursery rhymes and fun based and I love the idea it might hel a kid say what they'd like rather than be frustrated. I know a couple of folk that have done it and they both think it's amazing. I'll see if I can find a link later.

 

[MattM]

I was never encouraged to do team sports, but I think it builds a sense of working as a team to accomplish a goal along with discipline and responsibility.

I'm not saying I want our baby to have the weight of the world on his shoulders by the time (s)he's two - but I would like them to have some sense of how the world works by the time they're into junior school.

 

[Squiglet]

P.S what is baby signing?

I did baby signing with Tia... both my brother and sister had to use makaton from the moment we adopted them at 6 months, so that they could communicate with us.

http://www.makaton.org/

Its a form of simple sign language used for children who have mental disabilities or problems communicating... It can be used from a very early age, and is ALWAYS accompanied by the spoken word. Both my brother and sister picked up within weeks and were using it to ask for general things, like drinks, food etc.

When Tia came along baby signing was this new trend to hit the US and was brought over here... but I'd been doing it with Tia for months by that point because of my brother and sister...

Problem is everyone really needs to get involved with the signing. My ex and his family refused, so while my family and I were able to communicate easily with Tia... the rest of her family struggled and she got frustrated.

It worked out well in the end because Tia did have speech delay and hearing problems, but all the while I could communicate with her, which reduced the amount of tantrums we had and bonding between us...

 

[timsmom]

It's ten years nearly since I was last pregnant and plans for your baby which seem so vitally important before they get here, don't seem to have such significance once they arrive. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm demeaning what you are saying, believe me that is not what I'm trying to do, but having a new baby is very hard and life afterward changes so dramatically nothing can prepare you for it. I remember thinking I was defnitely going to breastfeed. I knew it was best for baby and bottle feeding wasn't an option. I physically couldn't feed Tim myself and ended up feeling a failure because I placed so much pressure on myself.

This time I am gonna try and be as laid back about it all as possible. I spent so much time fretting about Tim's development in the early days that I forgot to just enjoy having a new baby.

I think we've done a really good job with Tim, he's a happy healthy bright nine yer old who plays football (his overiding pasion in life), goes to badgers, gymanstics and cricket in the summer. Spends his summers at the caravan where the kids have dens and build bonfires on the beach which they light at night when the adults are about. They go swimming and surf kayaking and he has respect for his peers and his elders. I love him more than life itself and am very proudd of the young man he is becoming. This is the easy bit though, adolescencei s approaching (sorry if I sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet)

I hope all your plans come to fruition but hey, as long as your children are happy, the rest isn't really so important.XX

 

[Babylicious]

when I had paris I had to go back to work when she was just 2 months old. I missed so much. With this one I'm staying home for at least 6 months, I will show him all the things I love like heavy metal music and west ham united, plus my fav cars

 

[Becs]

It's ten years nearly since I was last pregnant and plans for your baby which seem so vitally important before they get here, don't seem to have such significance once they arrive. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm demeaning what you are saying, believe me that is not what I'm trying to do, but having a new baby is very hard and life afterward changes so dramatically nothing can prepare you for it. I remember thinking I was defnitely going to breastfeed. I knew it was best for baby and bottle feeding wasn't an option. I physically couldn't feed Tim myself and ended up feeling a failure because I placed so much pressure on myself.

This time I am gonna try and be as laid back about it all as possible. I spent so much time fretting about Tim's development in the early days that I forgot to just enjoy having a new baby.

I think we've done a really good job with Tim, he's a happy healthy bright nine yer old who plays football (his overiding pasion in life), goes to badgers, gymanstics and cricket in the summer. Spends his summers at the caravan where the kids have dens and build bonfires on the beach which they light at night when the adults are about. They go swimming and surf kayaking and he has respect for his peers and his elders. I love him more than life itself and am very proud of the young man he is becoming. This is the easy bit though, adolescencei s approaching (sorry if I sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet)

I hope all your plans come to fruition but hey, as long as your children are happy, the rest isn't really so important.XX

Everyone keeps telling me breast is best but my Mum wasn't able to breast feed me for longer than 2 weeks and the same with 2 of my brothers. I will give it a go but am really concious not to feel a faliure if I can't, as with some other things such as a baby sleeping through at 2 months. I also want to aim for 3 kids under 5 so will begin trying again at 5/6 months after this one. Which may be tricky if still breast feeding as for some women your cycles don't return until you have finished. I'm in for the hard slog, but I really want to have my babies close together, it's how I was bought up with my 3 brothers who are my absolute best friends. I think it'll be a really enjoyable challenge.

 

[floppit]

It does sound like you did a great job Timsmom (maybe because of some of the thinking you did early on?). I'm going to stick to dreaming and thinking though - not because I don't hear what you're saying, I do and these things aren't set in stone. But I enjoy thinking about it, I like it, I like the thought of having a kid and I want to do my own personal best to make good decisions along the way and all of my life experience has taught me that careful thinking pays off.

I know nothing will 'prepare' me for parenthood, if prepare me means I'll know now what I'll only learn later but that's true of so many things I've faced in life, from independance when I was a kid (working with teenagers I lost count how many times I told them nothing would prepare them for independant living!!), to facing issues as a couple most people won't face for decades. There's one big difference though, this thing, parenting, I want very much and I can bring all my life experience to it, also I'm not alone with it!

So - I'm going to keep dreaming and planning!! Just 'cos I want to and because it's how I do life.

 

[Magic Monkey]

Floppit, i think you have some really nice ideas and it sounds like childhood will be idyllic for your little one.

Don't discount nursery and pre school straight off though - now that they are subject to OFSTED there is no sitting at tables and learning, it is all done through play (or at least it should be if it is a decent place).

As a year R teacher I think it is SO important that children have attended some sort of pre school, otherwise they find it really difficult to settle at school, also if they attend the main feeder pre school for their school, they have already made lots of friends. ( the children in my class this year who are still not settled are the ones that didn't go anywhere, or the ones that are the only child to come from their pre school)

Sorry if that sounds like i am putting down your ideas but keep your options open

 

[muppetmummy]

James went to nursery part time since he was 18 months old. He got so much out of it, socially and through going to school being able to count to 20 and knowing some letters. It was all taught through play and he loved it there.
He found the transition to school really easy as he knew the routine and several children in his class were at his nursery.
I remember from when I started school as a 5 year old that all the children who were crying at the classroom door were the one's who hadn't been to pre-school.
I think me and James would have driven each other mad if we were left together all day, I think we both enjoyed the break

 

[floppit]

Hey - like I said nothing is set in a tablet of stone, but teaching your own kid under 5 isn't that whacky or far out, hell some folk never send their kids to school (wouldn't go that far though!). Whatever happens I want the little one to have time away from me with other kids - I just have my eye on an ace child minder up the road for that!!

Anyway, I was more interested in others dreams than anything else....

 

[GBLiz]

i would love my baby to do gymnastics like i did, of course i wont make her do anything she doesnt want but i think something like gymnastics encourages discipline, commitment, and the learning that effort equals reward.

I'll teach her to read early like my mum did, so she'll learn to enjoy books

Im hoping she will have her dad's happy temperament and enthusiasm so she seizes each day and loves living it.

 

[timsmom]

It does sound like you did a great job Timsmom (maybe because of some of the thinking you did early on?). I'm going to stick to dreaming and thinking though - not because I don't hear what you're saying, I do and these things aren't set in stone. But I enjoy thinking about it, I like it, I like the thought of having a kid and I want to do my own personal best to make good decisions along the way and all of my life experience has taught me that careful thinking pays off.

I know nothing will 'prepare' me for parenthood, if prepare me means I'll know now what I'll only learn later but that's true of so many things I've faced in life, from independance when I was a kid (working with teenagers I lost count how many times I told them nothing would prepare them for independant living!!), to facing issues as a couple most people won't face for decades. There's one big difference though, this thing, parenting, I want very much and I can bring all my life experience to it, also I'm not alone with it!

So - I'm going to keep dreaming and planning!! Just 'cos I want to and because it's how I do life.

Flop

I'm really sorry if you think I was suggesting you shouldn't plan and dream and think and plan for your new baby. You go ahead sweetie and enjoy every minute of it.

I really wasn't suggesting any different just that as Mr Robert Burns once said 'the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry'

 

[floppit]

Ack!! TM - I didn't think you were having a go at me or suggesting I couldn't plan, more that it might be a bit pointless and that's where I 'think' we might differ.

Planning gets me thinking about what matters to me and why, it's not just about wanting things I imagine to come true - it's about practicing putting what matters to me into some kind of action that makes sense.

Because my brother has learning difficulties and some other family members have problems, there's probably a greater chance of something like that for us - not just because I'm 36 although that's there too. I figure it like this, it would change alot of my plans but not where there coming from, some plans I think would create a head start if things were a struggle for my girl, others would just be fun, and a few simply dropped!

I guess it's hard to explain what I mean about it not being carved in stone - my sense of success or failure is tied to any of my plans, just a start to the 'practice' - the mental practice that life teaches me is there in us humans for a reason.

It's how I go about new stuff, I know things change but I find it helps to have some options thought through - even if all that turns out to be is practice for the real thing.