First time mum transition!

[sorpresa_bea]

Hi all, I'm a first time mum (40 yo) and finding the transition from a very active lifestyle to mother of a 7w old son, quite hard tbh.

Although I wnated to have children "one day", this baby wasn't exactly planned (although welcome!). I have gone from an extremely social, sporty lifestyle, with a very enjoyable career as a company director and regularly travelling worldwide to finding myself "trapped" and alone in the house most days.

I exclusively breastfeed too, which makes dependency on the baby's needs even more pronounced. I worked until the day before labour (a Friday) and returned home from hospital the following Monday to a completely different way of life.

I'm struggling very much with the dependency factor and how my every move is very much dependent on the baby's needs. For example going out is always a gamble (I found myself with a very upset baby in the car, shopping mall, middle of the park), or hungry at the most inconvenient moments, and basically it's impossible to plan anything or attempt to be somewhere at a specific time (say for example a yoga class).

I am an expat living abroad and most of my friends are carefree and childless. My family is on the other side of the world, and my OH had to return to work after a week paternity leave. I'm feeling quite isolated and despairing as to how long does this situation last.

Being a first time mum i have very little experience as to how things may (or may not!) improve. Will it get easier to go out as the baby gets older? Will his feeding schedule stabilize and become more predictable? Will I get more hands free time (meaning my hands are free to do something else other than feeding, changing nappies, getting baby to sleep, entertaining baby)?

Of course this is not guilt free and I want the best for my baby, but my sanity is also important and right now I feel like my former self has died and I have to rebuild my lifestyle around the LO. I guess thats the stark reality and I better make the most of it right?

Id love to hear from other mummies who also found the transition from childless life Difficult and how I can make it better. Thanks!

 

[Sprout]

I think what you're feeling is quite normal. People can plan and prepare for a baby as much as they like and they're still going to have a massive shock as to how life changes.

I think the overwhelming feeling that everything had changed went at around 2.5 months for me. She's only 4.5 months now so things are still pretty intense but I'm enjoying her more and more each day - caring for a baby becomes much nicer once they're more interactive! I can also put her down for longer periods of time and leave her to nap while I do things around the house.

New babies do want to be held a lot - I pretty much held Anna for the first 3 months - and a baby carrier really helps with this. You can even feed in one.

Going out gets easier too. Again, a carrier helps - a lot of babies are much happier in one than a pram. I don't know how you feel about breastfeeding out and about but if you can crack that, it's so much easier than having to find baby rooms/go back to the car when out.

As for feeding, my little girl currently feeds before and after a nap - so fairly predictable - but it's every 1.5 to 2 hours in the day. All babies are different though, of course.

I constantly remind myself that things will get easier and easier with time (I'm sure harder in many ways though!) and that most things which make babies more "convenient" are just detrimental to them...so I just need to hang in there.

Would you be able to go to something like baby yoga? Or join any other baby groups? You could make friends with other mums and go out for lunch with them etc

I can't tell you that things will go back to how they once were - well, not yet, he will eventually go to school though - but you will gradually adapt without even noticing it.

 

[MrsG81]

It absolutely does get easier! I can see how it's a big change of life for you and without help and support from friends and family I can understand how you feel trapped.

Babies do settle in to a routine eventually. Their eating and sleping soon become more predictable and that allows you to plan around them.

Are there any groups or clubs near you for new mums or parents with young children? I see you are in Singapore so not sure what it's like for new mums there. Or can you find a childminder / nursery for a few hours or maybe a gym with a creche?

I absolutely love and adore my kids but now and them me and hubby just need to be Jackie and Dave for a while instead of just mummy and daddy. My kids are older so I've just started to get my nephew to babysit every other Friday just for three hours so we can go out together for a meal to a local pub / restaurant. Sometimes we just go to the gym together but that little bit of time to just be us is really important for us.

Although your other half is back at work can he maybe give you a break on an evening or a weekend for you to just meet up with a friend or something?

 

[CARNAT22]

Having a baby hit me like a tonne of bricks.... even though our first was very much planned (he was over a year, 3 miscarriages and recurrent miscarriage testing in the making!l)

I remember spending a lot of the early days thinking "what the hell have I done" as I felt very lonely and isolated - this was with a very good support network around me...

Newborns are pretty unrewarding and they are relentless but this stage doesn't last forever. James wasn't bf but with him life started to settle down at about 8 weeks. I am 9 weeks in with number 2 and its still chaos.... I breastfed babies take longer to settle into a routine.

Hang in there, you will start being able to get a bit of "you" time back soon.

Top tip = Make sure you and baby get out everyday - even for half an hour - I always find getting out breaks the day up.

X

 

[OMGbabyno3]

I never tried to have too many time restraints with my first, with my second we had a nanny and now I'm on numer three.

With first 2 we lived very near family and always had support. I too now love abroad and have my mum staying at mo. she's leaving on mon and it'll just e me, husband and kids here.I too am a company director.

This jn itself is daunting, as well as school runs etc. not helpful that it's not straight forward getting passport!

What you feel is normal, just try to go with it. Difficult, I know but it does get easier xx

 

[avisccs]

I am definitely not the maternal type, and it took me a while to get used to having a baby. I do find baby very ‘inconvenient’. I use to just go out whenever I want, but since I have her, I have to spare half an hour to an hour to get her ready before going out.
I would suggest try to invite friends or family over. I had my mum with me full-time in the first month and it makes things more interesting, even though she did not really help out with the baby care. We actually went out a lot and travel around. I just need some motivation to do things instead of staying at home all the time. The more I stay home, the more depress I get. My baby is mix feed, which makes travelling much easier.
Like the others suggested, you can go out at least once a day. I split my shopping into small potion and take my baby shopping. Drive! If your baby is hungry, just hide in the car to breast feed. Some shopping centres are very baby friendly.
My husband and I go to restaurant and pubs with baby about once a week. Just put your baby into a car seat and put car seat on a normal seat. Even pubs have baby changing facilities.
At around 3 month old, your baby will be more aware of her surroundings. She would want to go out to see things. She may be bored staying at home all the time. She is ever so nosy on other people.
Soon you will know what she wants before she cries! These days (7 and half month old), I can safely go out with baby having just a bottle of milk in my handbag. The more you take her out, the easier it gets. Start it young, so she is used to it.
Both of my husband and I were very ill one weekend and both of us didn’t want to crawl out of bed. Then I realised that baby still needs to be fed and changed regardless I am dying or dead.
I returned to work at 6 month and feel much better after. I feel very much transformed, from being self-centred to baby-centred.
Good luck for your transition.

 

[kumber]

Great advice from all the other mummies!

I can totally understand why motherhood has hit you harder than you expected, to go from such an active, you're in control lifestyle to having everything revolve around this tiny person it can sometimes feel is never pleased is so difficult.

It really does get easier, it's so hard to see it at the time but I noticed that from about 12 weeks it slowly, almost invisibly, got easier. As others have said, do try and get out. Even something as simple as sitting in a coffee shop makes you feel so rejuvenated. Always have a nappy bag packed so if you bottle feeding you just throw in a bottle and go or if you're bfing, you just grab the bag and go. Makes it much quicker to get out and about.

I hope you feel better about your situation (and yourself!) soon hun, we're all here if you need a rant, ramble, or just need to talk. My inbox is always open should you be inclined to use it

Best of luck chicken

 

[Smileygirl]

I can identify with a lot of what you're feeling. It's a huge life-changing thing having a baby and I don't think you can really fully appreciate the impact it will have until the baby arrives! It does get easier though. I agree with the advice about getting out and about, i found getting baby into a strict routine quickly helped baby and me loads. The routine meant that by 3 months, I could predict when my baby would be tired and hungry, which enabled us to go out and do stuff and he also started sleeping through the night. This meant that both baby and I were sleeping well and that helps massively enjoy the days.

Having time to be you, wife, friend, career lady as well as mummy gives you that much needed balance in life so actively ensure you make time for each of your roles.

Returning to work (I took a year off) was when I started to get a sense of my old life back but now I'm desperately trying to cut down to part time as I miss my baby!

 

[Mackmummy]

I was the same, gave birth a few days after my 40th worked up until just over 39 weeks and my hubby works away in the week. It is all very overwhelming! I haven't had time to read all the posts (my now 6 month old is rolling all over the floor like a nutter!) but the thing that helped me loads was getting out and about, go to baby groups, start your own if you have too! Go out every day! It really helps me get over the cabin fever of being in all day trying to entertain a baby! Gone are the five holidays a year and spontaneous dunked nights out! It does get easier! X

 

[buzz]

No advice as such but another vote of solidarity here. Having a baby and being on maternity leave has made me realise just how much of my self worth and sense of self was tied up in my career. I always thought I'd find mat leave hard and as much as I love my son I am really looking forward to my return to work (not til June). At the moment, 9 weeks in, I am trying to go for a short walk with the pram or carrier each day. I have decided this week to try and start going for a swim one evening a week when my partner gets home just as a bit of a break. In the meantime I am spending a lot of time (usually in the middle of the night!) reading The Unmumsy Mum blog. Its highly amusing and helps me to realise I'm not alone.

 

[sorpresa_bea]

Thanks you all for the responses and support, it's good to see that others have also felt similar, and things eventually improve.

- Sprout: my baby also likes to be held a lot, and I've tried to have him fall sleep in his cot and stroking him, but he just screams and will not go to sleep until he's held and rocked to sleep. Did this change with you LO after 3 months? How do you get them off the habit of needing you to hold them to sleep?

I do have 3 different types of carriers, but he's not keen so far... I'll keep trying. Whenever we go out, it's on the pram/maxicosy. I totally don't care about bf when out, and Singapore is pretty good about that... I've done it even in a taxi... But it's just how sometimes you cannot find a good spot, or if we are outdoors during the daytime it's very hot in Singapore, and both of us sweat loads, which is another reason why it's not easy to go for a walk outside during the day.

I also go to a bf / new mums group twice a week. It helps, but two things put me off going out with baby at the moment: 1. sometime during the outing, he will get very upset and scream, get all read and sweaty, and will not calm down, until I give him the boob to soothe. This is obviously not very convenient, for example if i'm half way a supermarket shop.

and 2. Outings seem to disrupt his schedule of eat/sleep, he struggles to sleep when out (so much going on around him), so when we come home he's totally out of kilter, tired, wants to be on the boob for the evening, won't sleep/settle until late night.... So I just find it easier to stay in, frankly.

I have been discussing with my hubby possible "mummy times" during the week, when I may get a couple hours to do something I enjoy whilst he looks after baby. Started this morning going for a run. I feel so much better.

- Nat: tonne of bricks just about defines how I've been feeling too!!

- Smileygirl: what do you mean by getting baby into a strict routine quickly? As my LO is bf on demand, even though feeding is more or less every 2.5-3 hours, it's never at fixed hours....

- Buzz: umumsy mum is hilarious

Thanks all! I'm sure there's light at the end of the tunnel. I was having a particularly rough day yesterday....

 

[Kiagirl]

I totally get what you mean. I was planning to work until the day before I was due but she came 2 weeks early so I hadn't even finished. I have a horse, work full time and was never really at home. I wasn't domesticated in the slightest either. Then suddenly I was at home 24/7 with this small thing! The day after I came home I walked the dogs and the pram around the village and decided that I wasn't going to be housebound as I knew I could go stir crazy after just 1 day. So I decided to go out everyday which I did either popping to the shops to get milk/fruit etc or for a coffee. I think this helped my LO get used to being out and about. She is 20 months now and loves shopping/cafés and waving at people. Don't get me wrong it was a military operation leaving the house but I would feed and change her and run out of the door knowing I had about 3 hours before I needed to feed her again. The thought of baby groups etc filled me with horror and still does. I don't want to be a yummy mummy type so I stayed away. I decided that we had our lifestyle and that a baby could fit in and she has perfectly. I didn't see having Lucie as an end to my freedom, she just comes along and loves it! X

 

[Sprout]

Thanks you all for the responses and support, it's good to see that others have also felt similar, and things eventually improve.

- Sprout: my baby also likes to be held a lot, and I've tried to have him fall sleep in his cot and stroking him, but he just screams and will not go to sleep until he's held and rocked to sleep. Did this change with you LO after 3 months? How do you get them off the habit of needing you to hold them to sleep?

I do have 3 different types of carriers, but he's not keen so far... I'll keep trying. Whenever we go out, it's on the pram/maxicosy. I totally don't care about bf when out, and Singapore is pretty good about that... I've done it even in a taxi... But it's just how sometimes you cannot find a good spot, or if we are outdoors during the daytime it's very hot in Singapore, and both of us sweat loads, which is another reason why it's not easy to go for a walk outside during the day.

I also go to a bf / new mums group twice a week. It helps, but two things put me off going out with baby at the moment: 1. sometime during the outing, he will get very upset and scream, get all read and sweaty, and will not calm down, until I give him the boob to soothe. This is obviously not very convenient, for example if i'm half way a supermarket shop.

and 2. Outings seem to disrupt his schedule of eat/sleep, he struggles to sleep when out (so much going on around him), so when we come home he's totally out of kilter, tired, wants to be on the boob for the evening, won't sleep/settle until late night.... So I just find it easier to stay in, frankly.

I have been discussing with my hubby possible "mummy times" during the week, when I may get a couple hours to do something I enjoy whilst he looks after baby. Started this morning going for a run. I feel so much better.

- Nat: tonne of bricks just about defines how I've been feeling too!!

- Smileygirl: what do you mean by getting baby into a strict routine quickly? As my LO is bf on demand, even though feeding is more or less every 2.5-3 hours, it's never at fixed hours....

- Buzz: umumsy mum is hilarious

Thanks all! I'm sure there's light at the end of the tunnel. I was having a particularly rough day yesterday....

We also had to rock/walk/bounce - sometimes for up to an hour - before she would sleep. At around 3 months she started falling asleep while feeding which was such a relief but she won't go to sleep on her own yet though. tbh I'm not actively trying to get her to. From what I've read she won't be ready to do that until at least 6 months.

I also am not going to try any kind of "controlled crying" but we will gradually start trying to
put her to down while she is drowsy but not asleep, and once she's able to fall asleep from that, go onto putting her down while awake and see how that goes. She is actually quite good at falling asleep if, say, she awakens immediately after being put down or is startled, so I believe it will happen naturally anyway - I'm just not sure when!

Crying also tends to really improve at 3ish months. Anna was, quite honestly, absolutely awful for the first 11 or 12 weeks - she pretty much cried whenever she was awake (although we could get her to stop with lots of movement, so I don't feel like there was any underlying medical cause etc) Now she will only cry when she's hungry or in pain and it's no longer that alarming "newborn cry".

I'll be honest, I barely left the house for months and still don't really go out much now so I'm not quite sure about the disruption issue but I would imagine if you persist, he'll get used to it and gradually start to be able to sleep and eat outside of the house.

I'm not sure what time your LO is going to bed either but I've found that now that Anna goes to bed at about 7 (We've gone from about 10:30 to 7 over the course of a month or two), I feel so much better with having a few hours free in the evening.

I hope you get to sort something with your OH and have some more time for yourself. It's amazing how rejuvenating just half an hour in the bath can be!