Finding out the gender

[andy2016]

Evening

Has anyone disagreed on weather to find out the sex of their baby? I'm all for it but the Mrs is dead against it.

for me it's all part of it, buying certain things being easier too and all part of the whole thing for me.. But she won't have it

What do we do? I feel like I've been super patient and I'd like to think supportive through the whole TTC journey I was hoping she would allow it but it's not happening

At the end of the day as most of you ladies will know, you are the bosses so her way will stay unless I can convincer her otherwise

I know I should be thankful we're in the situation I just wish we could agree!

 

[SoGentleNWild]

We don't find out.

Buying things - well, dinosaurs are awesome. So I bought up all the dinosaur things and ran with it for baby 1. Now he's my little sports fan and his big boy room shows it.

For baby 2 - kept it dino but added Dr Who from Dinosaurs on a Shapeship. She still loves her dinos.

For the twins - DINOS!!!!! And hockey. Because they are winter babies and DS and DH want hockey. I said ok.

It's super easy to buy without knowing the sex. Buy dinos.

 

[Belfa]

I liked finding out with DS, helped me come to terms with the fact I was pregnant as I had no symptoms.

One of our friends was the same as you so the sonographer wrote the sex down so that the dad could know whilst the mum didn't x

 

[April4415]

We are (both in agreeance) going for the surprise! Years ago I always said I would find out straight away as it's part of the excitement, but since I've seen my sister go through two pregnancies and not finding out it was really exciting (and some of her friends have followed the trend so it can't be that hard). I can just imagine the thrill of my husband saying 'it's a...'

If you could keep it a secret and hide all your colour specific clothes you do what Belfa suggested though (if your wife agreed (and trusted you to keep it yourself haha)

Sounds like you're being very supportive of your journey though well done x

 

[MrsS15]

Hi Andy,

My husband is dead set against finding out. I'm more than happy for a surprise but I would always respect his wishes, it's not something you can undo after all!

I completely understand what you're saying, there's so many pros to finding out. But, we had a surprise with our son and honestly, it's one of the most magically things I've ever experienced. My husband always laughs when he remembers my reaction, when he came out and they said it's a boy he said I shouted 'A BOY!!!' It was just so lovely. I loved everyone constantly guessing the sex, it was so much fun. We also only bought the basics in cream white and grey and put money aside for just after the birth. We went out with our son and bought all the baby things we'd admired before and had a lovely lunch just us 3. I loved that day! It's really not long to wait and I promise you, that surprise will be the most amazing moment xxx

 

[PeanutButter]

Ahh, my husband didn't want to find out but I'm a very impatient person and can't even keep hubby's bday/Xmas gifts a secret aha.
Anyway after everything we went though to get her, he said I could do whatever I wanted. So we paid for an early gender scan at 16 weeks lmao.
It also worked out great because all the baby sales were going on when we found out, we've also finished painting her room and got cute furniture and stuff. Hubby eventually said hes kinda glad we found out so we could do all this stuff.


Plus, there's a couple of ladies on August mums thread who said when they was having the 20 week scan figured out it was a boy... obvious reasons lol.

 

[MissCharli]

I wasn't that fussed (and was leaning towards staying team yellow) but I knew my OH really wanted to know. So I booked a private scan on his birthday to find out.

Really glad we did find out now, it makes bonding and buying stuff easier I think. Especially because he has a name, even if only me and OH use it atm

And yeah like PB said it was obvious at the 20 week scan, but she did ask at the beginning if we wanted to know so I think if you are gonna stay team yellow they can tell you when to look away

 

[mylullaby]

First of all - congratulations!

Don't take this the wrong way (and loads of people will disagree with me on this one) but I think the "buying certain things" argument is a lame one for finding out, especially when you disagree. You're talking pink or blue here. Seriously, your child has LITERALLY a lifetime of being gender stereotyped. I just think that if one of you wants to wait, the other could hold off for nine months before going down the "boys do/wear/like X, girls do/wear/like Y" route. But that's just my view and as I said, I know there are a ton of people who disagree.

Another point worth keeping in mind... technically as the scan is a medical appointment for your other half and her unborn baby, she isn't actually obliged to have you there. Obviously most of us wouldn't have it any other way and want our partners to share the excitement, but for this reason I'm of the opinion that the woman's view overrides that of the man's when there is a disagreement.

Please don't try to "wear her down" because I know a couple where this happened - twice - and they found out the sex both times even though she didn't want to and there are still feelings of resentment now, which I think is quite sad and not worth the risk of spoiling what is meant to be such a wonderful time for you both.

Oh and SoGentle - I agree - dinosaurs are awesome!!

 

[JulyBug]

I was never in a million years going to wait to find out!! I had to know and so did my OH, we did at least wait until our 20 week appointment, I wasn't so impatient to pay £70+ for a scan!!

It was only once I'd found out we were definitely having a little boy that our connection with him really grew.. its just so lovely to know I'm carrying our boy rather then not knowing either way!.. and I do agree, it did make buying bits easier as I did find 90% of everything was either pink or blue unfortunately!

However if she really is adamant not to know then I guess you have to respect her wishes xx

 

[snowbee]

We found out, which was mainly my choice, as I was finding it hard to believe that it was real. I found it helped me to bond a bit more with my bump.

We didn't tell anyone we knew though and we bought bright coloured clothing suitable for both boys and girls as that is what I like. The room was already painted yellow and blue, which we left as it was as I think it is suitable for both again. We also chose names for both just in case they were wrong!

Once you know you can't undo it.

 

[mylullaby]

Congrats snowbee so happy for you xxxxx

 

[andy2016]

Thanks so much, very helpful!

The buying gender specific things is just a tiny part of it for me, to me it's all part of the experience.. Just as not knowing is part of the experience for people who don't want to know.

I get the whole resentment thing too but that works both ways! We've only spoke about it twice. A person who wants to find out but isn't allowed to could just easily hold resentment for missing out on what they call part of the experience.

I guess I just don't get it, its a surprise whenever you find out be it at a scan or at the birth, I don't really like uncertainties.

For me finding out and having weeks of thinking about either a son or a daughter is a big part of the excitement and has been mentioned makes it seem more real.

I've been so patient throughout the 3 years TTC and she agrees.. She went for an appointment and got fobbed off and didn't want to go back, I didn't mention it for over a year even though I desperately wanted to start a family.

 

[andy2016]

First of all - congratulations!

Don't take this the wrong way (and loads of people will disagree with me on this one) but I think the "buying certain things" argument is a lame one for finding out, especially when you disagree. You're talking pink or blue here. Seriously, your child has LITERALLY a lifetime of being gender stereotyped. I just think that if one of you wants to wait, the other could hold off for nine months before going down the "boys do/wear/like X, girls do/wear/like Y" route. But that's just my view and as I said, I know there are a ton of people who disagree.

Another point worth keeping in mind... technically as the scan is a medical appointment for your other half and her unborn baby, she isn't actually obliged to have you there. Obviously most of us wouldn't have it any other way and want our partners to share the excitement, but for this reason I'm of the opinion that the woman's view overrides that of the man's when there is a disagreement.

Please don't try to "wear her down" because I know a couple where this happened - twice - and they found out the sex both times even though she didn't want to and there are still feelings of resentment now, which I think is quite sad and not worth the risk of spoiling what is meant to be such a wonderful time for you both.

Oh and SoGentle - I agree - dinosaurs are awesome!!

There's so much more to finding out the gender before birth than wanting to buy a load of pink or blue things and giving in to gender stereotyping.. For me its all about being able to picture and imagine life with my future son or daughter.

She's happy for me to know and her not find out, I don't know if I trust myself not to screw up and give it away accidentally.

And yes, its her appointment but that's a non issue, as I'm sure it would be for most normal couples.. I can't see any woman denying the father from coming to a scan over a gender disagreement.

 

[Skyeway]

Personally I agree with my lullaby. Its your partner who is doing all the hard work in growing the baby in her body, and you want to override her choice to have a surprise of the gender of the baby? Sometimes in pregnancy men have to put their own wants aside and make a sacrifice for someone who is making a baby!
My partner wants to find out the gender of our baby too, but their is no way I'm missing out on one of the best surprises of life. Just because you stuck by your partner in a really tough time when you were ttc doesn't give you any more bargaining power, that is what good men and partners do. Stick together in tough times and when you get through it respect her wishes.
All the best with guessing the gender for the next 8 months!

 

[DeeDeeAbi]

Both me and my partner are desperate to find out and have booked an early 16 week scan. Found in last pregnancy it helped me to bond with baby just being able to refer to him as "him/he/his".
Some friends have had surprises though and that was lovely for different reasons!

 

[GF91]

I found out with DD & it is nice being able to talk to your bump by name, & buy specific things & all that kind of stuff, but i personally don't think it made us bond with her more because we knew she was a girl. This time round this is our last baby & it doesn't bother us either way whether it's a boy or a girl, our child will be loved no matter what. If it's another girl- bonus as I've got all DD clothes. If it's a boy I get to go shopping for cute boy bits! You get few surprises in life, it wasn't long ago that there wasn't scans. My MIL has had 4 kids & she never had a scan, so didn't know the sex. I can't wait for the moment that our baby is born & my husband is able to say to me "it's a ......."

 

[andy2016]

Personally I agree with my lullaby. Its your partner who is doing all the hard work in growing the baby in her body, and you want to override her choice to have a surprise of the gender of the baby? Sometimes in pregnancy men have to put their own wants aside and make a sacrifice for someone who is making a baby!
My partner wants to find out the gender of our baby too, but their is no way I'm missing out on one of the best surprises of life. Just because you stuck by your partner in a really tough time when you were ttc doesn't give you any more bargaining power, that is what good men and partners do. Stick together in tough times and when you get through it respect her wishes.
All the best with guessing the gender for the next 8 months!

I think the attitude that it's the woman's pregnancy and the man should like it or lump it is pretty sad, we don't work like that.. Its our pregnancy and we both believe we have an equal say in the whole thing and are both trying to work out a way we can both be happy, I never said I wanted to override her choice I said I wish we could both agree.

We talked last night and I said I'm happy to wait if that's what she wants, she said she's happy to find out if that's what I want, I guess we'll just wait and see

 

[MrsS15]

I ageee with you to a point Andy re your previous post. This baby is mine and my husbands and I would never make any decisions without him, I may carry it but it is equally his baby.

But what I will say is, if you're happy not to find out then don't. You will absolutely know the gender of your baby whether it's in 10 weeks or 34 weeks. If you find out at 16-20 weeks when deep down your partner doesn't want to, you cannot undo that and she will regret it. You both however will not regret waiting till the day baby is born. There's no surprise in the world like it, I promise! X

 

[andy2016]

Yeah I understand, I just feel like I'm going to miss out on a huge part of something I've looked forward too for years, like I've said I don't like uncertainties and know it'll bother me throughout the pregnancy, just like it will affect her if she didn't want to know.

We've both said we are happy to do it each others way so have agreed to see how we feel at the scan if we want to find out or not. If she still doesn't want to know I'll just go with that.

I'm just thankful she doesn't have the attitude some women have seeing it as their pregnancy and the man has no say in the matter.

I think it was assumed I was trying to dictate to her what to do which again isn't the way a healthy relationship works.

 

[Belfa]

It is both of you who are pregnant Andy, it's just that your wife is physically so in having a womb and you can't help that. Sheesh, the world complains bitterly when men don't want to be involved or women are seen to be doing all the work. Just last week my friends and I were complaining that there is a presumption with our husbands that we are always happy to stay in whilst they go out with friends and the balance is totally off with childcare responsibilities which I think in ingrained in us as a society.

Good for you Andy and your wife for coming at this as equals!