Feeling very down!!!

[EllieBelle]

To cut a long story short when my DH and I got married we were both in very stressful IT jobs, and working at different ends of the country, it caused a few strains on our relationship especially when my contract ended, and I was stuck at home, and I hated him being away 3-4 days a week.

We then decided to do something different for a year, so bought a house in France moved over there and spent the last year renovating it together, which was hard work, but fun and meant we got to spend some time together!

Well we are now back in the UK, and Im kind of unemployable, at 19 weeks pregnant with a bump, so my DH contacted the company he used to contract for to see about a perm job.

He went for an interview today, and they basically offered him a job there and then......yes he is a lucky chap I know! They money is fantastic, but the role will involve travel and will mean a day or 2 a week up North and potentially another day or so down in London.

I just cant stop crying as although I want him to get a good job and this one is a very well paid Director position I am not sure I can cope with being on my own again 24/7 for 2-3 days a week, especially with a baby on the way - knowing my luck I will go into labour whilst he is away and he wont get back in time

I know we can have great holidays, a lovely home etc, but there is more to life and just feeling so down right now..........

Its harder as we live in Gloucestershire and although I absolutely love it here I have no friends in this area at all. I was always very independent, but feel much more vunerable now Im pregnant!

I realise I need to speak to him properly when he gets back later, but just needed to get it all off my chest.

Sorry for the essay girls!!

 

[mum's the word]

I just read your post and felt a little guilty because I've been feeling down about having no money since I resigned a month ago. It seems you can never have it ALL.
My partner earns slightly less than me so it was a big descision to give up my job, but one I felt was the best as I didn't want to put my babies in a creche and when I annonced my surprise pregnancy (only going to be 18 months between middle and youngest) family said they wouldn't be able to help out for me to work.
So, it's a struggle financially, which often leads to tension between my partner and I as we've never had a holiday together, may have to give up the car, his gym membership etc.
Having a baby can be the best chance you get in life to make great, lasting friendships, so don't worry about being lonely or anything because as soon as your ready to go along to a mum and baby club you'll meet like-minded people, maybe 1 or 2 in the same boat as you with their o/h's working away.
Whatever your situation. preganancy can be a time of immense fear of the unknown, and though it gets less with each pregnancy it's always there.
You will really miss not having your DH around at certain busy stressful times, but you will also feel a sense of excitment leading up to his return-which is something I take for granted (I often look forward to time to myself).
Having space and time to invite friends over for coffee will be good too-you can have a proper girlie chat with no man listening in!
If things get really tough then I'm sure your DH will start looking for jobs closer to home, but if you can cope, maybe this is the best time for this arrangement to be in place-no major financial worries and untill baby is older and wants a story with daddy before bed etc it may give you the chance to fully embrace motherhood and enjoy the quickest and most special (in my opinion!) time before you get back to the real world
I'm sorry if my reply has done little to help, but hopefully you can see some positives and carry on looking forward to the new arrival.

 

[EllieBelle]

Thank you

Your reply has been a huge help.........

You are right, I just feel so sad and upset, but think this is down to hormones, I also feel very guilty in a way for posting as realise some people really struggle

I guess I just want a good home/work balance and feel ever so vunerable with this being our first baby.

Thanks again and I guess I need to stop moaning

 

[mum's the word]

Don't stop moaning-nooooooooo! Being pregnant gives you the right to moan whenever you like, sulk, cry, have tantrums, eat silly things, be immature, demand to be waited on etc!
It's perfectly understandable that you feel low, but it's funny how even though I've had low points myself I hate the thought of anyone else feeling like it, I remember my 1st pregnancy so well. The rollercoaster of emotions was unbearable at times, you have a sense that your life is going to change forever and the uncertainty is incredible.
This is a very special time, enjoy it whenever you can, because you are never going to be anticipating the arrival of your FIRST baby again.
Take care and hope you feel better tomorrow about it all.
Lucy x

 

[EllieBelle]

Lucy thank you so much and I really mean that!

Its strange as I have been so upbeat and positive until now, and to be honest I really like some time to myself too Before I met DH I had lived on my own for years, quite happily!!

Well I cant have my cake and eat it now can I, so if I want to be able to be a mum for a while with no financial worries then I have to shut up and put up...... well for a few days anyway

Im going to look into joining NCT groups and also considering doing some voluntary work while I can!!

Thanks again hun

 

[lfc_sarah]

Aw hun

It will benifit you and your little one loads with the extra money to do things as a family when he is off!

My OH works long hours... usually leaves the house at 9.15am and gets back at midnight...
Its horrible but the occasional days hes off/finishes early we do something as a family which we wouldnt be able to do without the money

 

[mum's the word]

Im going to look into joining NCT groups and also considering doing some voluntary work while I can!!:

That's the spirit! You seem like a bright and positive person so I'm sure this is just a blip. Maybe it feels strange because you and your DH have always done the same things until now too, you'll have completely different roles for a while. It's going to take me a while to adjust to being 'unemployed!' and sometimes I wish I did have a few hours work to do to tax my brain a bit more.
NCT wil;l be great esp, as I notice from another of your posts you want to give breastfeeding a whirl-take all the support that's offered!

 

[nori]

Hiya hun,

I cant relate to the money situation as quite honestly we will struggle bigtime, but i do think that money isnt the be all and end all. Can hubby not get another job which has less hours or closer to home? It maybe less money but it may make you happier in the long run?

I can relate to the fact you dont know many poeple in the area though. Id definately recommend the NCT meets and also have a look on Netmums.co.uk

Hope you feel better soon.

Claire x

 

[Mik]

I can relate to everything you are going through hun my husband is in the army and this is the only pregnancy he has actually been in the UK for! It is hard when you are alone and any niggles you feel can't be talked over with him so tend t build up in your mind. I am sure joining NCT and maybe doing some vol work you will start finding friends and feel alot better in yourself. You may find once your LO arrives your husband will miss the contact with him/her and want to find some other work at the point too.

 

[loz]

You might find that you quite like a bit of time to yourself to make your own friends etc. I agree with the others that going to groups/ getting out and about meeting people is probably the best thing. Even doing stuff like an evening class in something fun might be good?

 

[xxsammyxx]

Hi hun, i know how you feel. We have to relocate from Spain, there just isnt any work there. I left my 10 year job with a top multinational company working in IT (Technical Support) to move to Spain where i met OH. Now pain is in recession we have to leave. OH has a business degree and many qualifications to get a really really well paid and decent job in Holland (he's Dutch) and I have the chance of picking up my career in Holland as well though im going to hate dragging my daughter away from her holiday life of finishing school and swimming in the pool for the rest of the day, swimming competitions, the fact that my parents live up the road and moved to Spain to be near us (yep thats going to go down well! NOT) and away from the weather to uproot her to Holland. Mum and dad are going to be devastated but the only other alternative is that OH takes the job and we stay in Spain and he comes back to visit as often as possible, maybe at the weekends. I just cant do that, although i know its the easiest option. I would miss him so much. He nearly got another job as well but it meant that he would have to travel every 4 weeks and be away for 3 weeks and i was distraught at even thinking he might get the job. I know i couldnt be happy with him being away even a few days at a time and I know what its like when you are pregnant... you want and NEED OH/DH there 24/7 (or at least really close by) I could have the life of luxury as OH offered to pay the bills, me and DD stay in Spain, he would come back every week etc. In two years with the money he would be earning we could afford a large house, expensive car etc. We could be really well off but i cant face being away from him. So i have chose to move with him. We will work for 2 years here (maybe less) and then get a relocation package to either the States or Australia or somewhere else hot as the companies he has applied to are worldwide and offer family holidays, pension, fab bonuses, company car, private medical care and pay in the region of 180,000 euros a year (inc commission) I would be mad to say we have to stay i Spain, earn pittance and live to a strict monthly budget when we can have all this. Explaining that to a 10 year old will be the hardest part of the whole process

 

[EllieBelle]

Thanks so much for all the words of support, Im feeling a lot better now

He is going to take the job......but promises we can review it in 6 months! He could get a lower paid job, closer to home - but then he wouldnt be challenged and he obviously wants to succeed and have a good career - and why shouldnt he - he has worked really hard to get this far!

He absolutely assures me that it wont be as tough as when he was contracting for them, as this time he will be a permanent employer, so will have a much easier life!

I think half of my problem is feeling a little inferior.......I used to be a European IT Manager myself, but have made the decision to become a stay at home mum, as its what I really want to do - just takes some getting used to I suppose, but know I will never regret this decision.

I know I will be fine, and a really good mum, and will ensure I keep busy when he is away!

Im sorry if I came across as being ungrateful in any way, Im really not that sort of person, and I guess should think myself lucky that I can give up work, to be a mum - Im sure there are many people who would love to be able to!!!

Thanks again........

 

[purple13]

I think half of my problem is feeling a little inferior.......I used to be a European IT Manager myself, but have made the decision to become a stay at home mum, as its what I really want to do - just takes some getting used to I suppose, but know I will never regret this decision.

I know I will be fine, and a really good mum, and will ensure I keep busy when he is away!

i'm going to be a SAHM and i promise you that its not the easy option... it would be much easier to go to work - you get breaks, can go to the toilet uninterrupted, people are (mostly) reasonable and don't scream at you! looking after a baby and a house is a major and tiring juggling act and its unpaid. its definitely nothing to feel inferior over you will be a fab mummy i'm sure, and you and your OH will be giving your LO the best start you can

 

[dannii87]

Sounds like you have it all sorted now hun! I just wanted to say you didn't sound selfish. You've just spent a year together in France and all of a sudden it's back to how it used to be with being apart and it can be a shock to the system!

Anyway, I'm sure being a SAHM is extremely hard work, but it brings the most rewards Just think how much he will LOVE coming home to his lovely partner and beautiful LO. He'll enjoy his home life so much more than most others who take it for granted.

I think you'll have a lovely life together, and the reviewing in 6 months is a great idea. It'll give you both time to have a think about things, and who knows, you might even think the way things are should be the way things stay in 6 months time!

xx

 

[ejjie]

Hi hon

I've only just seen this. Hope you're feeling a bit better now. I agree with Danni, you don't sound selfish just a little bit confused. I will be in the same situation as you when we finally catch. I've been working so hard with my career and recently changed to a less stressful (and less well paid!) job so we could TTC and know I would be around instead of all over the country. I am already struggling with it and the bun's not even in the oven yet but just try and be positive and think of the end result. Wish I lived a bit closer to you

Sounds like you have it all sorted now hun! I just wanted to say you didn't sound selfish. You've just spent a year together in France and all of a sudden it's back to how it used to be with being apart and it can be a shock to the system!

Anyway, I'm sure being a SAHM is extremely hard work, but it brings the most rewards Just think how much he will LOVE coming home to his lovely partner and beautiful LO. He'll enjoy his home life so much more than most others who take it for granted.

I think you'll have a lovely life together, and the reviewing in 6 months is a great idea. It'll give you both time to have a think about things, and who knows, you might even think the way things are should be the way things stay in 6 months time!

xx

 

[Melanie]

I understand how you are feeling. We have just come back from living in Budapest and im finding it hard at the moment. My OH has a very well paid job and that means i dont have to work which in Budapest was great but back here it feels sort of isolating. Richard travels alot on buisness, we've only been back here just over a month and he's already been on two trips and is off to Estonia for a week tomorrow evening
Sometimes i feel really ungrateful, i know that his job gives us a life and security that a lot of people would love to have but i miss him when he is away.
The one thing i have no regrets about at all is being a fulltime SAHM, its the best job i've ever had and the most rewarding. Yes having my own money was nice but id never swap that for what i get from seeing my daughter grow up, every single things she's done from her first smile to saying i love you i got to witness first. Its amazing and i promise it makes up for what ever you think you might miss from your old life!
Just remember to give yourself time to adjust, becoming a parent is a huge life change even without dealing with the move back to the UK etc. Pregnancy hormones make everything seem way worse than they really are!