Feeling left out?

[kumber]

I'm an only child but I grew up with my two cousins who are the same age as me. As children, we were with each other weekly and as teens we always had a close relationship.

Unfortunately, as we got older I found that they didn't seem to be as close with me as I felt with them. At 16 I moved countries and I invited them over regularly, my mom even paid for their flights on the two occasions they did come over, and when I was in uni and they were both working, I invited them over often. All they had to pay for was their flights which, at the time, were about £20 return in the days of 1p flights. Excepting two occasions when we first moved, they never came to visit. I was quite hurt by this but said nothing.

Now we are all adults, I have moved 10 minutes away from both and all if us have children - 5 of them between the three of us and all under 2.5 old. I see my female cousin weekly for play dates but never the other, her brother. He has always been a bit flakey but now I never see him or his son. Me and his partner did have a falling out a few months back but I have asked his sister to pass on that I'm not interested in continuing the argument, I am perfectly happy to be civil and friendly. I would tell him myself but I never see him, he constantly changes his number and never texts back, or reads his Facebook messages (again, he's always been like this).

I have noticed more and more frequently that they will take their children out on play dates - this weekend they have been out all weekend and they also all work at my grandparents' nursery so spend a lot of time together - and we are never invited. I would love my boys to grow up with their children as closely as I grew up with my cousins. I very much view them as my siblings, although I appreciate I am not really and they are each other's siblings so would naturally be closer.

My question now is am I being oversensitive about feeling left out? I don't expect to be invited to every occasion but we are never invited at all, I only see about it on Facebook. This has been going on since well before me and my cousin's girlfriend fell out so, whilst that might be playing a part, it isn't the whole story. Should I tackle my cousins on this or leave it? I'm not angry about it, just very hurt and upset.

 

[MrsS143]

Its hard to say
If theyre just closer then they might be happier just doing stuff together
Whether its hes not keen on you or its because of his partner i don't know
But he might just want it him and his sister despite the history you shared growing up
Speak to the grandparents theyll likely be a lot more impartial
Just ask the female cousin can you tag along
Or... She might be the one who likes 1 to 1 time with just you and 1 to 1 timw with just him
Its hurtful but likely just the way it is x

 

[kumber]

My grandparents have no interest in me - my grandma died of cancer earlier this year and my granddad banned anyone from telling me, as well as banning me from the funeral because my dad would be there.

You would think that would be a cause but it's not - we are united in hatred for our shared granddad, he's a c*nt (not a word I like to use either!).

The problem is two-fold really - I don't feel like I should always ask to tag along and most of the time, I don't find out about these days out until after they happen and the pics are splashed all over fb.

We didn't even get invited to the day out for her son's birthday. We got invited to the generic party for every Tom, Dick and Harry but we didn't get invited to the trip to the zoo on the day, yet his girlfriend's parents did?? Just doesn’t sit right at all.

 

[Robyner]

I can totally see why you are hurt and i dont think you are being over sensitive.
My thoughts are to organise something and invite them all along and see what happens.
Im feeling a bit this way, as i have moved back home from somewhere else and things arent how i thought they would be. Like you, im living minutes away from all my family and my husbands family but we just dont see them like i expected. I have felt hurt so i see where you are coming from.
Ive invited them round and organised stuff and they have come etc though.

 

[kumber]

For my son's first birthday, my girl cousin came with her kids but her brother didn't. His excuse was he had no money but then a week later he bought an Xbox One! He has always been inconsiderate but that was a low blow. I didn't want gifts for my son, he has plenty and doesn't need more but I did want his family around him. He didn't have the courtesy to tell me himself, even though my nunber was on the invitation, I had to ask his mom where he was.

 

[kumber]

I'm wondering should I call their mom and talk to her about it first, as she might be able to handle it with more tact than myself.

 

[MrsS143]

Might be an idea to ask what she thinks you should do
Or ask if hes said anything or if youve done something and not realised etc

Otherwise... Cut your losses and make new people part of the family you choose x

 

[kumber]

Do you think I should walk away if nothing changes?

 

[MrsS143]

I would
But that's me
I've started cutting everyone out my life who let's me down or constantly leaves me disappointed
Getting rid of the negativity definitely has made my life much more happier
I've got my hubby my mum and one school friend back home. That's it. Theyre my main circle. I get interactions elsewhere like work or even on there. And thats enough for me x

 

[kumber]

Hmm thanks for your advice hun. I don't thinkI would be comfortable walking way as she is really the only person I know locally but I'm hoping to change that now over the next few weeks so that may change everything too.

 

[mylullaby]

I don't think you need to actively start cutting people out, but it sounds like staying in touch with them involves more effort from you than from the others. Have you apologised to your cousin's partner for your part in the row? I'm obviously not in a position to say who's right or wrong, but I can see why he'd be loyal to his partner if she doesn't feel like the matter is resolved. Could you maybe just swallow your pride and rather than sending messages saying you'll be amicable or whatever, try to actually talk to her and put the past behind you? Even if that doesn't help with seeing more of your cousins, I'm sure it'll feel better not having the bad feeling hanging over you?

Other than that, I'd actually suggest taking a step back. I have close relationships with my cousins and we lived on the same street as some of them for years, but the bond I have with my siblings is stronger. I guess it makes things harder for you as you don't have siblings of your own. Try not to take that personally though - it's just one of those things. Surround yourself with people who care for you as much as you care about them. Relationships should be two-way, so if you feel like you're doing all the running around / making the effort I think you need to let go a bit and let them come to you. You will always be family and they know where you are if they want to spend time with you and your kids xxx

 

[Robyner]

I have found when things take much more effort from me, i take a step back.
I dont want to feel like im forcing things.
As it happens,with my husbands family, taking a step back means never seeing them at all really. Ive decided that if they cant make the first move occasionally then they clearly arent intereseted and i get tired of being the one to arrange everything.
We never hear from his brother or sister even though we have moved ten minutes away. His mum is the same, despite saying how excited she was that we were moving.
I do understand how you feel.

 

[kumber]

I haven't apologised as the row was completely on her side - she dumped her kittens on me because they weren't "cuddly" any more and I had loads of behavioural problems with them. I spoke to my other cousin about it in confidence, who then told their mom as she was concerned her brother and gf wanted to get a puppy and we didn't think that would be sensible. Their mom then spoke to the gf about what I said, none of which was accustory in the slightest, but the gf took offence and sent some vile fb messages calling me scum and all sorts. Normally I would apologise or indeed approach the other person first, for the sake of peace but on this occasion I refuse to. Her behaviour has caused me significant financial stress with vet fees, and personal distress at having to rehome cats that she could not be bothered with once they weren't "cute" any more. In terms of it, I'm not interested in continuing it. It has thankfully turned out for the better and I have no bad feeling about it, I just want to move on from it.

She, on the other hand, clearly does not as she did not congratulate us on the birth of our youngest nor did she pass on a message through my female cousin as would be normal.

Something that hugely upset me last night was that I invited my cousin to be my birth partner, asked her to cut the cord. She's wonderful when I need help, she helped me clean my house thoroughly just before ds2 was born. I don't want to fall out with either of them over this, particularly her but when I've invited her to be part of such a special moment, I dont really feel like she's meeting me halfway with everything else.

I don't think they even realise they're doing it and that's what I think is most hurtful - they're not even registering me and it's almost like I have to beg for their attention. I don't expect to be invited to everything, of course, and they will naturally be closer being siblings. What's bugging me is that they both say they see me as a sister but then don't behave as such? It all feels very two-faced and fake, that doesn't sit well with me at all. I would much rather know where I stand either way so I can respond accordingly.

Thanks for all this input ladies, it's really reassuring to know that I'm not alone in feeling this and I'm not being oversensitive.

 

[Robyner]

It interested me that you say your cousin is wonderful with helping you out, it reminded me of a theory called love languages. We all have different ways of showing it and different needs when recieving it.
The main ones are
Spending time
Affirming words
Acts of service
Gifts
Physical touch

I would say mine is time, i need to feel ive had quality time with people and thats what i struggle with when people dont.
You cousin seems to be very good at acts of service, maybe that is how she shows it and generally it would be how she needs to recieve it.?
Its just a thought and helps to understand people better.
An example of the misunderstandings that i heard about when learning love languages was when a lady with childern was ill with flu and a pastors wife went round, cleaned the house from top to bottom and made dinner. She thought she had done an amazing thing yet the lady was most put out, as not once did she sit with her and chat and time was her love language.
Its an extreme example, i know and a bit ungrateful of her to moan but do you see what im getting at?

 

[kumber]

That's really interesting Robyner, I've never heard of that but it makes a lot of sense. You could well be right, maybe she has different needs with her brother than with extended family?

I think, quite honestly, they don't view me as a sister and that's ok. I can view and treat them as cousins too, and lower my expectations of them. I think changing how I view them will help stop me being upset and feeling let down.

 

[mylullaby]

I think you're right to lower your expectations of them, but I would also reduce the amount of effort you make too. Don't make all these grand gestures just to please them - it's almost like trying to buy their affection, albeit with gestures rather than actual money. Maybe think before you do something "would they do this for me if it were the other way round" I don't mean in an eye-for-an-eye way but it might help to stop things being so one-sided. Focus on the people around you who are worth the effort hunni and forget about anyone who can't be arsed - sounds like a massive waste of time/effort if you ask me. X

 

[kumber]

I agree. We arranged to meet up every Tuesday but I've received no messages to arrange it this week and as I arranged last week I won't be rushing to arrange this week.

 

[MrsS143]

I agree you should match level of effort
At least that way you wont be so disappointed by putting in all the work and not getting anywhere near the same back x