Feel like it's never going to happen

[purplepebbles]

I just have a gut feeling that I'll never get to be a mummy. I don't know why, I just can't see myself pregnant, having a baby and then our little family.

If I tell people, I get 'you got pregnant once, so you know you can'. But they're missing the point. I got pregnant once but it didn't work out. What happens if it keeps happening? What if I never fall pregnant again?

Think I'm just feeling sorry for myself, AF showed up on Thursday. First since mc and it was so painful the first day.

It's horrible being at the bottom of the pile again, it's like a game of snakes and ladders xx

 

[scn]

Please don't think like that honey, many many women lose a baby and go on to have happy, healthy pregnancies. In saying that, I completely understand how you're feeling after losing three babies myself and I'm almost 40 so I feel like that as well
You're still grieving for your loss and that takes time to ease, it never goes away but you learn to live with it. Give yourself time xxxx

 

[purplepebbles]

I know but I just can't shake the feeling. It took us just over a year to get my bfp in the first place and I can't go through that again. We were just getting referred to the fertility clinic when I found out which I had to cancel just after my mc. Will they do any tests now if it doesn't happen again or will they just refuse us because I did get pregnant?

Sorry that you've gone through it three times, that sucks big time. I feel bad moaning as its only happened the once so far and there's lovely ladies like yourself who has had so much more heartbreak

Grief is horrible, my mum died nearly 10 years ago and it still hurts. But at the time my family were going through the same thing but this time, it's just me and OH. I'm impatient, I just want to know everything is ok down there and get pregnant again though at the same time, scared it will happen again xxx

 

[Loubalouba]

I am sorry u feel so sad x I am in the same position as you we have been trying for 14months and in August we were going to be referred to the fertility clinic but then I got a bfp, we were so happy until I had a mc a week later we tried straight away and I have had just had my period, for some reason I thought we might be lucky the first month after the mc but I probably have not given it enough time. It's tough when u feel so desperate for a bfp, and there is no rhyme or reason to it!! The whole ttc thing is just tough!

I feel like u I have this awful feeling that because I want it so much it won't happen... Everyone says be positive but it's hard when u r so scared of not being able to have a baby, ESP when u yearn for it so much!

Why don't you go back to the docs and ask for referral? Maybe if u get referred u will feel better knowing that u may get some answers ? I am going to go back and c if we can still be referred as I just can't stand trying every month and getting my period and worrying if something is wrong or not.

It does take over your life and becomes the bee all and end all

Probably nothing I have said will make u feel better but I can empathise as I feel very much the same as you, I think we should both go back to the docs and maybe explain how down it is making us and how it is affecting our lives ?

Good luck and I really do hope you get a bfp and soon! Keep me posted on how you get on

Have u tried using temps or a fertility monitor ?

Xxx

 

[mistyblue]

I know how you feel. When I had my mc, we had been ttc for 18 months. I keep having feelings that, even if I do get pregnant, it won't necessarily work out. I don't want to give up though. I have to believe it will happen for all of us eventually x x x

 

[flisstebbs]

I just have a gut feeling that I'll never get to be a mummy. I don't know why, I just can't see myself pregnant, having a baby and then our little family.

If I tell people, I get 'you got pregnant once, so you know you can'. But they're missing the point. I got pregnant once but it didn't work out. What happens if it keeps happening? What if I never fall pregnant again?

Think I'm just feeling sorry for myself, AF showed up on Thursday. First since mc and it was so painful the first day.

It's horrible being at the bottom of the pile again, it's like a game of snakes and ladders xx

In jan after my 4th mc, this was exactly what I was feeling. Now I'm 34 weeks pregnant... its so hard when youccan't see how it's going to go in the future.
On a practical note, I've been having reflexology on and off since the 3rd mc, and its def helped keep me sane, and I'm sure its helped me concieve quicker and helped me keep this baby, by getting me to do that magic relax thing that everyone tells you to do but is impossible to work out how!

 

[Loubalouba]

I totally agree flisstebbs the magic relax at times is impossible but reflexology has also definitely helped me too good advice I am sure it helped me get my bfp after 12 months of ttc xx that's great that you are 34 weeks after all you have been through xx it has given me hope thank you xx

 

[purplepebbles]

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I don't want to give up, I feel the time is right now to have our little family and the more time we spend with nieces, nephews, godchildren, it just confirms to me its what we want (though nearly changed my mind yesterday seeing kids kicking off in town!)

Loubalouba - I think I'll give it until after Christmas and if I haven't caught by then, I think I might make an appointment. I have to have a scan on Friday as it was discovered at my last scan that I have a cyst on my right ovary and after being in excruciating pain a couple of weeks ago, the doctor suspects it may have ruptured. I don't know if it has always been there but if it has gone, I wonder if it will affect my fertility, as in if it was there the whole time, was it affecting things? I think I ov'd from my left ovary when I caught as my scan notes said I had a corpus luteum that side.

My sister does reflexology so I've asked her to start doing my feet again, as she wouldn't do them when I was pregnant xx

 

[Dutchie]

I want to thank you Purplepebbles for posting this, I have the same feeling. I am 42 and when I found out I was pregnant it shocked the hell out of me and my partner. This was our first pregnancy, we never used protection for years and nothing happened so we both thought that it never would. I was scared as I didn't know what to do. I went to the doctor who sent me for a scan and I was 7wk and 6 days when the scan happened and I could see my peanuts heart beat. It was amazing but scary at the same time, all I could see was a blob on the screen, but the heart beat was there. As I am 42 the midwife wanted me to have a combination scan at the hospital which my partner and I had already said we would do the additional tests because of my age etc. I called the hospital and made the appointment for the combination scan and because they had not done my first scan they wanted to do an additional scan. My combination scan was for the 1st October but the scan that the hospital wanted to do first was booked for the 16th Sept. I agreed to the dates and thought nothing of it, but my partner was working late on the 16th, I told him, not to worry it was just a regular scan and as long as he was there on the 1st October then there was nothing to worry about. My scan on the 16th showed that my peanut no longer had a heart beat, I was telling the woman it does have a beat i have seen it. No it no longer did. I miscarriage my peanut at 05.30 Thursday 19th September, I was 11 weeks and was planning on telling my mum as a birthday surprise on the 20th September.

Now I just have the feeling that this was my one and only time at being pregnant, I know what you mean Purplepebbles when people tell you that hey you got pregnant before so you can do it again, my midwife, and gynecologist told me the same and told me hey dont worry about your age etc, but I have the feeling that this will never happen. I will never see another peanut inside me, never have rock solid boobs again, never get the chance to get fat and just say what the hell I'm pregnant. Then there are the other thoughts, what the hell will I do if I do get pregnant again and this happens again to me. How will I cope with another loss ?? This was my first pregnancy and my first miscarriage, I have no idea how other women cope with multiple losses and my heart truly goes out to you all.

I dont have my first period since my loss yet and I dont even know when it will come or how it will be.

Oh god my mind is such a mess. I have a two great scans of my peanut (from my scan on the 16th Sept) and I keep them close and when I see them I say to myself, we can do this again !! but then I think it took so long for this to happen and it will never happen again this was my one and only time.

Purplepebbles you are really not alone with your feelings, and I'm sorry to everyone for my long reply and also to everyone that has had a lost of losses. Got to go and get come tissues now !! Hormones again................