fathers signing rights away

[udonteno]

a question for anyone who has thought of or experienced asking the father to sign his rights away. i'm a uk citizen so our laws apply.
the father is someone i saw on a pretty casual basis for a year, now i'm pregnant and he aggressively told me he doesn't want it, i'd be stupid to keep it, i'm incapable of looking after it, then haven't heard from him for 2 weeks..
i'm leaning towards keeping it, but scared of dealing with him, if not now then after the birth and during the child's life. thinking he could turn around later and want custody or something though i've carried it and looked after it without him seeming to care.
so i'm considering whether to suggest, if he really doesn't want it, if he wants to sign his parental rights away. what's in the interests of the child - to have no daddy, or one that potentially drops in and out of its life?
one aspect is the financial situation. i'm a professional 30-something woman with a decent sort of job earning just slightly more than the average.. but, I want to take maternity leave for at least 6 months and get to know my child if i have it.. ideally. if the father signs his rights away i assume i would have no recourse to the csa. at the moment he would owe at my estimation about £300 per month which is no small sum. is it more in the child's interests for me to get that money and use it to provide for their wellbeing?
i'm trying to think about what would be best for all of us (I have no interest in trying to make him fulfil a role he doesn't want).. we both were irresponsible and didn't use protection, he never even asked me about it, though we had sex several times in a year. i took the morning after pill several times, but the most recent time, obviously it didn't work. i'm angry that the way he is behaving, it's like abortion is the only method of contraception he is willing to accept, and that's not ok, and in which case he should live up to his responsibilities, he's 40 and knew what he was doing (and i know now that i wasn't the only girl he was having unprotected sex with).. but I don't want to drag myself and the child through years of anger and stress.
sorry, long post but has anyone been here, any advice?

 

[wifeywifey]

Hi I don't think it's as simple as signing rights away at the end of the day if you don't put him on birth cert he has no responsibility however when push comes to shove he's still the dad also imagine if you are a child growing up to find your dad signed something to say he wants nothing to do with you that's got to hurt. I have to say tho I think you can't expect it both ways and him sign the child off but still pay and what's to say when the child arrives he doesn't change and realise he wants to be part of Los life and becomes an amazing father? Maybe because of your situation he is frightened and freaking out like many dads to be do? I'm not defending him as I don't know him I just don't think that's the best route to take.

 

[udonteno]

Thanks...

I'm that child. My dad left when I was 4, had to pay maintenance for me and my sister, and wrote something nasty on the back of every maintenance cheque to say we were ruining his life etc, and sometimes I got to see that. It still hurts... and I'm trying to keep the perspective that every situation is different, but it feels like repeating a cycle.

This guy already has 3, he sees them every 3 weeks and loves them to bits, but they're from his ex wife, who he says he's still in love with, but who he tried to strangle a few years ago (over debt, as far as i know).. he doesn't see me or this child in the same light, and says he doesn't want any more, he wants to be free and single.. (and presumably carry on having unprotected sex with half the city)..

My friends say I'm focusing too much on what he wants and the fear of him and it's clouding my judgement. It probably is affecting my judgement, but this is the reality.. part of me thinks, I can walk away now, if I have an abortion I never have to see him again, all of this can go away, it's all over.. but then I wonder whether I would be able to live with myself.

Sorry, not such a quick reply, but.. it's complicated and I'm all confused.

 

[wifeywifey]

That's awful with your father I can't imagine how that felt. IMHO if you have this child you should so in the view of being a single mum and if he wants part of the child's life give him the chance and if he doesn't then you gave him the chance, if he is safe and no danger to you or the child. I never say this but if he doesn't change his opinion don't put him on the birth certificate, it doesn't make it impossible for him to get acess but makes it harder and you can still claim csa.

 

[udonteno]

thank you.

 

[Loula]

I was irreaponsible like yourself and got pregnant he wanted nothing to do with baby and asked me to abort.
I told him no as id had 2 scans at this point and he walked away. Changed his number and blocked me on facebooj kinda said it all. His son was his priority.
9 months on i give birth still no word so i wrote a letter telling him all about his daughter.
My daughter is cominh up to her 1st birthday and nothing. He is not on her birth certificate and i have not asked for a penny from the csa and dnt intend to.
When she starts asking about her daddy i will tell her all what happened and help her look for him of she wants.
Its totaly up to you what you do but id personally leave that door open x

 

[udonteno]

Thanks.
Can I ask, is there a reason you didn't go to the csa, even if that money would have helped, and how difficult has it been without it? and do you ever regret not asking for that?
i'm pretty sure it will make him furious if i ask for it and bit scared about that.. on the other hand, if i don't i might be in difficulty or just, less able to provide things for baby than with it.
i'd rather not ask for it, partly out of pride, partly just to not involve him, to not have anything to do with him, and have the hassle of all that, would like to go my way and do the best i can without his support.

 

[Loula]

Ive seen things get really ugly between couples when the csa is involved and tbh I just didnt want that. I dont have the time and energy if it ended up in court I just want a quiet life and its not like he wanted my girl anyway. Some people are quick to be man haters and want every last penny the fathers have. I can provide for my daughter I saved whilst on maternity leave as I had a good package and sometimes things are tough but we make do.x