family!!

[NICCI]

im sooo confused!!
my mums side of the family are really rough, they all drink do drugs steal and are extremely violent ( they ruined my wedding day by my auntie punching DH in the face and my cousin got arrested for stealing a car). my dad is totally different, and i was at his house the other day and he was telling me that i shouldnt have anybody in jacks life that isnt beneficial towards him and its really made me wonder!!
its got to the point where DH doesnt want me to see them! i do understand where he is coming from but its hard because the y are still my family! i have to c my mum coz she needs me (im an only child and she suffers from alcoholism and depression).and i c my nan regularly (she is my rock, i lived with her when i was little). my auntie phoned me yesterdat and wanted to meet me (in a pub) with my cousin and her baby, i stupidly said yes!!! at first i didnt realise what was wrong with it coz any time spent with my mum was in a pub, then i realised i dont want jack to have the same upbringing i had!! and DH said over his dead body!!! now i know this will never happen, DHs family r the exact opposite of mine they r all very middle class all have good jobs and r law abiding!!!! i guess what im wondering is to cut all ties with my family..............
i feel so protective over my son i love him with all my heart and my family have caused me nothuing but grief!! if they ever did this to jack iswear i could not be trusted for my actions!!!!
ARRRGGHH!!!!!!!!! i just dont know what to do...........

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

thats something only u can decide hun,
u have to do what is right for u and ur son

 

[Sherlock]

I think you are facing some hard choices but there are possibles that might provide a halfway meeting point.

You say about cutting some of your family out of your life totally so as not to influence your son or cause him grief. If some members of your family are that problematic I'd say its probably better they don't play any major part in your sons life, but you may not need to cut them off totally. Although if it were me I'd probably think they had had their chances and burnt their bridges and say to hell with them and not have anything further to do with them.

As harsh as it sounds I'd say your mother is a grown woman who is old enough to live her life and should not be dependant upon you. You should not feel obligated to see her. She obviously has problems but you also have your life to live and a child of your own now. You have to draw a line somewhere. Perhaps instead of seeing her so much you see her a couple of times a month at a neutral meeting place (and not a pub, but a cafe or child friendly place) and keep it to a few hours. Always have somewhere else to be so you can leave at your set time. That way you'll spend time with her, she can see her grandson and he'll get to know her. As he gets older you can rethink visits accordingly.

Your Nan sounds like she is much loved and someone you want to keep in touch with. No need to cut her out is there?

As for other family members you don't feel are good to be around your son why not arrange neutral meeting places, keep it short and sweet and always have somewhere else to go after a couple of hours. You can then arrange these get togethers with individuals instead of groups of people and if you are unhappy with how things are going make your excuses and leave. And if you feel you'd rather not meet up with these family members so often then you simply don't. Limit the meetings to once every few months or something.

FWIW I have very little to do with a fair few people in my family. My aunt I've not seen or spoken to in over 20 years. I refuse point blank to have anything to do with her. My father I've not seen or spoken to in almost a decade. Cousin the same. Just because they are related to me does not mean they have my unconditional love nor do they have the right to expect me to see them either. My father doesn't even know he has a new grandson. I have no plans to involve him in my sons life in any way. My father had enough chances. So did my aunt. I can live my life quite happily knowing I did nothing wrong and my conscience is clear.

I think you have to start putting your own family, your husband and son first and try to find a compromise if you can, one that you and your OH can agree on. And if it works out then great, if it does not and you feel you should not see certain family members anymore then do so. If they are going to cause your family problems or upset its better to not be around them I feel.

Others might disagree with me, but thats just how I see it.

 

[charlie84]

Will be PMing you hun

 

[nori]

aww hun i really feel for you. I think sherlock has given you some good advice there.

I know its not the same but i also had to make some decisions.. a member of my OHs family (soon to be our childs uncle!) is always getting into fights and there is a lot of drinking within the family. I spent a year going along with it even though it went against everything i beleive in (which is very unlike me)

Eventually i had to say enough is enough. Its hard for my OH as its his family and he has grown up with it but ive never experienced that way of life before(my family hardly ever drink). Ive now compromised and will visit in the day but will always come home. I definately dont want my LO seeing any of the violence and wouldnt hesitate to leave if the slightest thing kicked off!

I really hope you get things sorted out. I know how hard it is when a couple have such different upbringings.

Claire x

 

[jennifer1981]

its a horrible feeling being torn. I hope you work things out x