Family worries tingeing my happiness

[ScarlettMG]

Hi, would be grateful for any advice that anyone might have for me:

I am 21 years old and have just found out that I am 4 weeks pregnant by my boyfriend of a two years. I am a final year university student and will have finished my final exams a good month before my baby is due. My boyfriend is very excited and happy as am I though we will have lots of things to get sorted, we are both excited and enjoying the first stages of planning. I have lived away from home for the past four years and am mostly financially independent with just the odd helping hand

There is just one issue that is spoiling this happy moment for me. I have a very close relationship with my parents but they have very high expectations of me, and I feel as though I have spent my whole life trying to make them proud and avoid disappointing them, which is the worst feeling in the world for me.

I am sure in my decision and know that I am old enough to be making my own decisions by now, but can't help being terrified of what their reaction will be. They got on well with my boyfriend until about six months ago when they decided that I could "do better" than a hotel worker, and when I stood up to them over the decision they weren't happy, but just stopped mentioning my boyfriend and acting like my relationship didn't exist despite me still trying to talk about him to them. This made a stressful atmosphere around them... And now this.

Please help me know how to tell them... I'm so happy but this is ruining it for me.... I can't be happy having the fear hanging over me that they are going to hate me. Any advice would be welcome.

 

[Little_angel]

Hi Scarlett

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

So you, your boyfriend and your baby are going to be a family, YOUR family. This is what matters now. I don't mean that you won't care about your parents and what they (or anyone!) think, but it will likely become less important to you. There's something about becoming a mummy that brings what's important into perspective.

Can you and your boyfriend go and tell your parents together? They need to see you as a unit now, that this is the choice you have made. He needs to step up to the plate as well and show them he is there for you, that you are a team.

I wouldn't expect them to be pleased for you, especially at first. They've spent the last 21 years working hard as parents, to help you become the person they dreamed you would be. You will probably have your own expectations for your baby one day. But chances are, if you and your boyfriend present a united front, they will come round to the idea. There are very few mums that don't eventually get excited about becoming a grandparent!

Good luck, I think you sound very sensible and you know what you want. Just tell them and wait it out xxx

 

[ScarlettMG]

Hi Scarlett

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

So you, your boyfriend and your baby are going to be a family, YOUR family. This is what matters now. I don't mean that you won't care about your parents and what they (or anyone!) think, but it will likely become less important to you. There's something about becoming a mummy that brings what's important into perspective.

Can you and your boyfriend go and tell your parents together? They need to see you as a unit now, that this is the choice you have made. He needs to step up to the plate as well and show them he is there for you, that you are a team.

I wouldn't expect them to be pleased for you, especially at first. They've spent the last 21 years working hard as parents, to help you become the person they dreamed you would be. You will probably have your own expectations for your baby one day. But chances are, if you and your boyfriend present a united front, they will come round to the idea. There are very few mums that don't eventually get excited about becoming a grandparent!

Good luck, I think you sound very sensible and you know what you want. Just tell them and wait it out xxx

Thank you for your advice, that all sounds like good advice. To be honest its more my dad than my mum, my mum is much more of a "if you're happy whatever" but is very influenced by my dad. My current plan is to go with my boyfriend in a month or so, and take my eldest brother with us as a) he had a child out of wedlock at 23 too and b) I am genuinely concerned that if my boyfriend comes with me then my dad might hit him!! Hopefully having my brother there will mean that I dont need to worry about that... So stressful! Its hard to explain because they're not strict, they just have such high expectations of me in every aspect of life, and have put all of their time and money into giving me all the best chances for success in life. I know they are going to take this as me throwing it all back in their faces, but am going to try to show them that all this is is a year long set back in my career plans, not the end of my life. Trying my best to be happy! Thanks for your advice, much appreciated. xxxx

 

[mylullaby]

If things don't go as well as you'd like when you tell your parents, maybe you could write them a letter saying what you've said here in a bit more detail? In just a couple of posts, you've come across as an intelligent, conscientious and emotionally mature woman and I'm sure many parents would be proud to have raised someone like that.

Your parents sound similar to mine - my dad would be the worry for me - he almost cares TOO much, so much so that he becomes controlling because he can't quite get the balance between supporting/protecting you and controlling how you live your life. It must be really hard - you can see where they're coming from, but you still need them to trust you to make decisions for yourself.

Writing it down might help you get your point across without any interruptions or emotional, heated debates, etc? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I think I'd be tempted to do that if you don't get the best response when you tell them your news face-to-face.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

 

[Daisy2011]

Hi Congratualtions , how exciting.

I am 42 I have three degrees and in the 15 years since i left uni Ive worked 7yrs in low level career jobs and 5 in min wage jobs and been unemployed. The facts are that a university degree does not mean you will have a career in your subject unless its - medicine dentistry or media studies -. 47% of graduates never work in the field they studied. and graduate jobs are very hard to get. Therefore the assumption that you are throwing something away is false. You will have your degree if you work to get it before the baby comes and then no one can take that away from you.
After uni i spent all my time trying to get jobs and to work upto better roles , to publish and to try to atain this high life that society has told us is waiting for us. Whislt doing that and fighting being overlooked becuase iwas in the danger fertile years for employers, my fertility declined and at 40 i was single in part time work and childless. Those ten years whilst i did some amazing things, were not the dream wernt well paid and they cost me a familiy, somthing that at my age i may never now achive.

So you are young , you have time to have your familiy and then persue your career. Dont let anyone tell you that you cant.

Thankfully I have a great job now but i could have had kids and still be in this place. Instead of sitting here with the dog typing on the internet i could have been reading my girls a bed time story after thier bath about now!
So go for what you want, dont allow other peoples misguided judgements affect you. and give your dad a short time to blow off steam but then expect him to respect you and what makes you happy.
good luck hon , get that degree and raise your child and then decide what you want to do and dont feel bad about it ever.
x Daisy