Explaining to children about disability/differences....

[Louise2013]

I was at the supermarket yesterday evening with my sister, and something upsetting happened; something that often happens. But something that doesn't need to happen.

My sister is very severely disabled. The symptoms of her condition means she, undoubtedly, looks 'different' to others. To me, she is beautiful, but I know she doesn't 'look' like you and I.

You get used to the ignorance of others; the sniggering; the pointing and whispering, the cavalier use of the word '******' being banded about as a 'cool' way of saying 'thick'; but the one thing that makes me feel sadder than most is the one thing that happened yesterday, one thing that that is easily avoided.

In the fruit and veg aisle, a lovely, smiling, inquisitive boy was shopping with his Mum when my sister caught his eye. Children are clever; they are inquisitive and curious, so excited to learn about the world. I see him staring at Sam with the look all children seeing someone like her for the first time have; 'I wonder why she looks like that?' It's a perfectly understandable question, nothing wrong with it at all. It's one that should be answered. He tugs his Mum's trousers and says: 'Mummy, what's wrong with that lady?'

Then it happens.

Mum, looks up, sees us and understands what her son is asking about. Quick as a flash, she says 'Shhhh. Don't look,' puts her hands over his eyes and physically turns him to face away from us.

Damage done.

I get that it's difficult, I do. I get that people are frightened about what they don't understand. And I also get that it's mostly a panicked reaction. But, it becomes an irreversible one. It's a situation every parent will face at one time or another, like 'where do babies come from?' Or 'how does Father Christmas visit allll those houses in one night?'; questions as parents we prepare ourselves for and line up answers for when the time comes.

Maybe this could be one we line up an answer for too?

This lovely lady explains it far better and far more eloquently than I ever could http://themighty.com/2015/01/to-the-mom-or-dad-who-told-their-child-not-to-stare-at-mine/

So, if anyone is interested, and I get not everyone is, but if you do have the time, as Mummies it's really worth a read.

Thanks for listening ladies xxxxxx

 

[Lyllian]

I'm so sorry this happened to your sister, it must make you so so angry. How incredibly hurtful and what an ignorant and disgraceful human she is. Speaking about people being thick...

I'll definetly have a read. Xx

 

[Baby2sky]

Great post. My mum is physically disabled and I hate when things like this happen. Just ignorance. Sorry this happened to your sister xxx

 

[Louise2013]

Thanks ladies, and no worries, it is practically a daily occurrence; it is just probably about every 100th 'incident' where I have a little mini-internal explosion of 'ARRGGHHHH!!!!' so sorry if I sound like a right old whinger

I am just very grateful she is oblivious to it; it must be incredibly hurtful if you are someone who is painfully aware of how others react to you - I cannot even begin to imagine.....

xxxx

 

[Lyllian]

Brilliant article. Definetly worth a read

 

[Louise2013]

Brilliant article. Definetly worth a read

Isn't it just? Amazing lady and beautifully written xx

 

[Lyllian]

I weirdly have thought about this situation before one day when I was pregnant and on the bus home from work, there's a severely disabled girl that gets on that bus and a wee girl was staring at her and the mum just kept slapping her hand and telling her to stop. They were about the same age. I always thought well you just explain that it's just like everything else,different colours of hair,skin,height. But the author makes her point about showing children she's just the same as them and encourage them to talk to the child or parent/whoever they're with if they can't to see they have things in common or if there's an age difference just little things about the person, what they like etc, so they see they're just like everyone else. I'm glad I read this. Thanks for sharing xx

 

[naomip]

Really interesting and eye opening read. I try to treat everybody equally by smiling and saying hello, although I probably would have felt rude/embarrassed if my little one was pointing and staring at someone with a disability. X

 

[juliekim0908]

Thanks for posting. I will indeed remember when my boy starts to understand, to explain, so he knows, everyones different, theres not right and wrong in which way people look, different colour hair, eyes, tall and short etc..

It's sad reading about it and how it may have felt, I hope that the mother did that more out of embarrassment of what her son did, and explained after. Rather than heartless, as it sounds and looks.

 

[SunnySue]

Great article Louise, thanks for sharing. Its not a situation that I have encountered with my children yet but at 3.5 i'm sure it won't be long and this has given me some insight x

 

[Mrbump83]

Fantastic article, I've learnt from your post and from reading that everyone should read it x x x

 

[Louise2013]

Thanks ladies, it is so lovely to read your comments on this; I'm really touched you have read it. Thank you, you lovely people! Xxxx

 

[TaffyRose1]

Amazing article, thank you so much for posting it. I have a very curious 2 year old and I would never dream of being nasty or rude but I'll be honest I'm not sure before reading this I would know how to deal with the questions, it has given me a lot of insight xxx

 

[MrsS143]

My fear would be going to say hi or explain to the child there and then... to be greeted with a hostile / negative response

I really wouldn't know where to go from there x

 

[hellywelly]

I have just finished reading a wonderful book to my class of ten year olds, it's called 'Wonder' by RJ Palacio and tackles similar issues about a boy starting school with a severe facial disfigurement. It really has been a fabulous book to read with children and is a brill read for adults as well (it's a good story as well as being quite informative!)

 

[Jojo84]

I get this a lot. I work with people with disabilities and in the summer when were sitting outside we have children state and ask... What's wrong with thst lady? Parents are often embarrassed, but I tell them there's no arm in asking a question. I tell them that she was born looking a little different and everyone is different and that's a good thing that not very one is the same 9/10 times the kids shrug and say okay, bye!

We need to give kids more credit and patents need to get away from the embarrassment factor.

 

[Louise2013]

My fear would be going to say hi or explain to the child there and then... to be greeted with a hostile / negative response

I really wouldn't know where to go from there x

I would think this would be very rare, and the chances of it happening would hopefully not put you off x

 

[clairebear22]

My Jack has autism. He is considered disabled however looks like any other child. He doesn't talk but makes tons of noises. If anyone asks why he's like he is, adult or child I politely say "he's exactly the way he is supposed to be". I wouldn't change him for anything

I plan of teaching his little Brother Harry all about autism when he is older and will teach him that not everybody is made the same but that person is just the way they're supposed to be

The worst bit for me is the pitiful looks or the 'I'm sorry' when I tell them he has autism. Don't ever be sorry, he's happy and healthy, what's to be sorry about?!

So far we haven't had any negative comments about him, I'm not sure I'll be able to bite my lip if we do :-/ lol

 

[CharlotteH24]

My fear would be going to say hi or explain to the child there and then... to be greeted with a hostile / negative response

I really wouldn't know where to go from there x

I would think this would be very rare, and the chances of it happening would hopefully not put you off x

It actually happens a lot. My nan was in a wheelchair and if anybody asked them why she was in one my grandad would shoot them down and tell them it's none of their business and to clear off. She was much more understanding of people asking but he tended to overrule her once he became her carer as well, it's sad but sometime people don't want to accept that somebody does have different needs than someone else. My brother has Aspergers and shakes/flaps his hands a lot when he's excited or worried, he was so badly bullied at school that they threatened him with a knife and eventually he was hospitalised with an eating disorder. All because nobody would explain to these stupid boys that he was no less of a person just for having Aspergers, if anybody tries to talk about his autism now he declines even having it (including family members) before getting really upset and angry and disappearing to his room for hours or days.
For some people, both the patient and/or the relatives, it can be really hard to talk openly about their disability no matter how delicately you approach the subject. It's sad that some people feel that way but everybody has different ways of coping and different tolerance levels. I personally never ask about people's conditions, I'll always smile and treat them like I would every one else but I do understand people's fears about approaching people and bringing up such a personal and possibly distressing subject in a public area. Xxx

 

[Bonfire Bride]

Such a wonderful blog and thank you for sharing it with us.

When Oliver is old enough to ask questions, I will try my best to help him learn.