Dumped & pregnant!!

[Desperate]

Hi I'm new on here & really struggling at the moment. My ex & I ttc for just under a year, fell pregnant in May - & we were delighted, but suffered a m/c st 9 wks in June. It was so difficult to come to terms with but I had my partner for support so I got through it. Then out of the blue four weeks ago he tells me he misses his boys (3 sons aged 14, 18 & 20) who live in SA, where my ex is from) & he is going home. No discussion. I tried to fight for us but how can I keep him from his kids?! I was obviously heartbroken as I thought we had a future. We were also engaged. AF was late this month & I thought it was the stress of the break up, financial worries etc, but I did several hpt this week & all but the first were bfp! I'd be in my element if it wasn't for the fact that my ex had just left me!

So my problem is really, 1. Do I tell my ex about the baby?
2. Is there any chance he'd come back to be with me now he's realised how much he missed his boys before?

It's so hard to know what to do for the best. On the one hand, if he abandons his boys again I don't think they'd ever forgive him, so it's unlikely that he'd come back to me even though I'm having his baby. Also he told me before we left that his kids knew nothing of our relationship & they'd never forgive him if they did because they love their Mother so much. Sounds a bit strange given the kids ages i.e. almost adults!!

I feel that my baby has a right to know his/her father but I can't/won't force him to do something he doesn't want to. He bought a one way ticket so I'm assuming he wasn't planning on coming back no matter how much we loved each other but he left to come to the UK once so he could again. I do want to tell him. But I don't know whether to take that risk or not. I stand to get hurt again if he tells me he's not coming back. And I'm worried he might think I'm
trying to trap him if I tell him about the baby - which I am not! I don't want him here if he doesn't come willingly.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated as I'm a bit of a mess right now!

Thanks x

 

[Taylor junior]

Well u need to tell him about the child so he can help u go through this together she should have told him before leave to see if he would still leave but its very hard to go through this alone it bring your mind in a situation and weird place. And u get depress and. U end up stressing the child. For you and u child best interests tell him

 

[Caitd89]

You should tell him 100%. He has a right to know & you have the right to access support.

Breakups are awful without the added pressure of pregnancy, but what I would say is that if he is going to be with you, he should be with you FOR you, not for the pregnancy, you deserve better than that. The secrecy with his family about your relationship would also put serious doubts in my mind.

Look after & be kind to yourself, be in a relationship when someone deserves to be there, plenty of mums do a fantastic job everyday on their own (I myself did it on my own for 2 years when my OH wasn't pulling his weight) and there is no greater reward than knowing you are doing s fantastic job by yourself. Pretty sure there are also other pregnant mums on here who are single who would all be happy to offer support & advice.

Keep your head up & congratulations!

 

[Desperate]

Thanks ladies. I think the general consensus is that I have to tell him. Although now I'm worried that he WILL come back, and then will get fed up and leave again in a few months or a year or two and that will be MUCH harder, for me and for the baby. I guess there are no guarantees in life. I'm going to do the right thing, and if he chooses not to then yes, it will be heartbreaking, all over again and I will be upset that our baby will never know his/her Daddy but in the long run, if he chooses not to support me and come back to be with me then I guess I'll have had a lucky escape!

 

[Elfs Mummy]

i think you need to tell him and then you can tell your child tha tyou never stopped their dad from being involved.

 

[ruby2015]

How would you feel about going to SA with him? I agree you should definitely tell him. I completely understand him missing his sons but maybe you could come up with a plan for him to fly out there regularly for proper periods of time, and even suggest saving up some money for his boys to come to you from time to time.
Congrats on the pregnancy!!

 

[emi678]

Congrats on the pregnancy!! Have you talked with him? It's better to explain him in details about your feelings.