down days :( long post.

[madsticks]

Been feeling so down recently. For multiple reasons and need to vent.

The job I do is wonderful, and I love it. But it's not good money, no career prospects and when I do finally start ttc, I won't be entitled to maternity allowance, and OH earns too much for us to claim any benefits to allow for any kind of help that way, so if I stay then we won't get any provisons, I'll just have to go straight back to work.
I've been looking for a new job with better hours and relevant to my degree, I keep getting amazing feedback from interviews, but ultimately no one wants to employ someone with no previous relevant experience.

I wanted to start trying this year to have a 'summer baby' in 2015. OH doesn't want 'a baby conceived in 2014' as he feels it's too soon. (He has two children from his previous marriage, the youngest being nearly 2). We have talked about it in depth a few times, part of me feels like he doesn't actually want anymore children and that us having one is a compromise for him being with me. He says this isn't the case, but I can't shake the feeling he's just saying it to make me happy, not because he means it. Which I find so difficult.
He knows I want a 2015 baby, so agreed end of this year beginning of next to start trying. But not getting a new job makes it seem impossible to achieve that as I will have had to be working there for a set amount of time before I get maternity pay.

Add to this we are meant to be saving to move to our own place. At the moment we both live at my mothers as she has a large house and could do with the additional help, so we can save for our own place while helping her out - win win. ..Well OH can't save for toffee. The whole time we've been here we've not saved a penny towards any kind of deposit. There was an informal agreement that as I don't earn even a third of what he does, I'll pay for the luxuries and extras, most day to day type things, and he'll do the saving. But nothing. I don't even know how he manages to spend it. Don't get me wrong he's not rich or anything, pretty middle of the road salary. But if I can pay my bills, and all the other things, and still have money left, where does all his go?

Right now he is saving for a bigger car, we've been saying we need one since we got together. But the only thing that has spurred this on is he wants to be able to give some friends a lift on a road trip holiday we are taking later this year. I've no objection to bringing friends along in one vehicle rather than convoy, but I'm bothered that he can prioritise that and have a panic over saving enough, when if he'd been thinking about our future etc then he should have done it ages ago, or at least have the funds saved already.

Plus so many of my friends are announcing births / pregnancies / weddings/ engagements in the last few months it's ridiculous. I don't just feel left out, I feel like a teenager again, but there's no sign of progression or moving forwards. Everyone else is moving on with their lives and doing all the important things, i'm back living with my mother and my partner has already done all those 'milestone life achievements' with his ex, and doesn't seem to acknowledge at all that our relationship really needs to move forwards.

Right now I feel so down and so "what's the point" about everything. I wish he'd get his head screwed on and do something to show he really does want a proper future with me like he says he does.

Sorry long post, just needed to get it off my chest. :'-(

 

[TashaWink]

Oh Hun, I'm sorry you feel this way! Men don't think about things like us women so you really need to take everything he says at face value.
My OH was/is the same at saving and left everything to the last minute (I'm pretty sure they've always functioned this way as boys tend to perform better in exams than coursework and girls vice versa)

On the money front. You could probably suggest that you have an account where you both put in half your salary which pays bills or goes towards savings. That way you will know exactly where half of his money is and he has half to play around with

Hope you sort things out soon and that you feel better

 

[Vixx]

Madsticks, I feel for you I really do. Not only is there just one issue but a number of them going on right now.

I too feel the same as you whereby you feel you have been set back a few years, I was a happily married woman, settled for 10 years (or so everyone thought) but I was very unhappy with my husband and just over a year ago I left it all to get with a guy who is almost 2 yrs younger than me with no career (he had just been made redundant) with no car (as he used a works van) and who lived at home with his mum and dad! There was me almost 31 with some kind of toy boy (or so it felt) having just thrown away my marriage. But its the best decision Ive made in my life. I was so so unhappy and had been for years and now more than a year on Im still with my "toy boy" (ok, hes only 18 mths younger than me) and Im loving life. I didnt have children with my ex I never wanted them with him, and thought I would never have anymore (I have a 14 yr old from previous relationship) and as far as I thought that was it. All my friends and family of a similar age to me or younger are settled, married and have children. I feel like Im starting at the beginning again, but I dont mind that. I'd rather be happy and do things a little later in life than spend the rest of my life unhappy.

Im not sure if this helps at all but what Im trying to say is, dont worry about rushing into things just because you feel you have to, do whats right for you and your OH. He has said he wants to TTC next year, thats great! Having small children of his own could have put him off, but it clearly hasnt and he wants one with you, and next year really isnt that far away

As for the job situation, I would look for a new one with better prospects, if you can afford to drop in money then do so, as you may need a lot of time off with pregnancy/baby and if they dont cover mat leave, they may not cover this either. I think to be entitled for mat allowance you have to be employed somewhere for 26 weeks when you are 12 weeks or something? I cant quite remember but have a look into it, as Im not sure its not that long and you have enough time now to move jobs!

As for the savings... Tashawink is right, put half each into an account or just outright ask him what hes spending it on. I would! If you are serious enough to be thinking of having a baby together, then these matters should be ok to discuss openly. He might have a genuine reason for it all.
With regards to his friends and the trip, if Im being honest this would annoy me too, and I would say something - BUT, I can be quite hot headed at times and am quite often blunt and open, especially in my relationship, if somethings bother me, I will just come out and confront OH about it, I have learnt life is too short the past year or so

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but dont forget we are here for you x

 

[madsticks]

Thank you ladies

I think it's just lots of things mounting up makes even the small things seem like disasters at the moment. It's hard to find the positives in anything when you feel down. It felt good just to write it down and vent about it.

I do speak to OH about pretty much everything, and although sometimes he just doesn't get it, he is extremely supportive and reassuring, which is lovely and I'm very thankful for. Sometimes though it doesn't make much of a difference when expectation and reality are so far apart. Not that I have any massive expectations, I just wish things would happen the way they should, rather than feeling like there are so many hurdles in the way of us moving forwards. If you see what I mean?

Thanks again, it's lovely to have a pplace to let it all out and people don't think you're a weirdo x

 

[Leannef88]

Hi Madsticks, I found it very comforting reading your post as I am going through a very similar situation myself.

I have been with my partner for 3 years now, we bought our own house last year. He is twice my age and like your partner has been married before in the past and has a son (not that he has ever had contact with him) I am at that stage in my life where I feel like I should be preparing for a wedding or at least be actively trying for a baby. I want to start a family so badly but my partner is not as enthusiastic. We have had COUNTLESS talks about it and although the bottom line is he wants to get married and he wants a baby with me that is the end I hear of it. He does nothing proactive about it at all. I feel like I always harp on about the same things and nothing changes so I feel your pain hun it is very frustrating. As for the job, the only thing I can say is the grass isnt always greener. My partner earns a very healthy wage and I don't even earn a third of his salary. I left a previous job that didn't pay very well to what I thought was a better job, more money, less travel and despite earning more money I am still unhappy and still skint at the end of the month

Chin up hun, these things will work themselves out eventually, we women are just completely differently wired to men. I do salute the men out there who are really proactive about marriage and kids. They are too few and far between these days!

xxxx

 

[Mrs M]

I think we all have days like that when we feel the world is against us! No matter how much or how little you have, if you don't have the things you really want, it's hard to see the things that you do have. I don't mean that in a 'be greatful for what you have' type of way, I just mean that wanting a baby took over my life for almost 3 years and I was so focused on that I missed some of the lovely things happened along the way.

Can you pin him down to a time when these things can become possible? Even if it's 5 years from now - at least you would know! Or maybe make a move yourself?