Does a birth trauma ever go away?

[Ella1979]

Sorry to depress/upset anyone, but I'm really struggling at the moment. With my daughter, I had severe pre-eclampsia, needed magnesium sulphate to prevent eclampsia and my daughter ended up in special care as her growth had stopped due to problems with the placenta (caused by pre-eclampsia not being diagnosed earlier). I was on medication for 6 months post delivery. Then with my son I got high bp (which I guess may have turned into pre-eclampsia had I not gone back into hospital to get it sorted as soon as I noticed my knees and ankles swelling 3 days post-partum).

Anyhow, every now and again I think about everything I went through, particularly with my daughter and how midwives missed the pre-eclampsia. But also annoyance at both hospitals (I was in different ones for each birth) insisting that I was fine post-delivery, only to check bp and it be dangerously high. They even dismissed my swelling second time round - one doc told me my knees weren't swollen - you'd think I'd know my own knees! Even my OH could see they were swollen.

Then last weekend we were watching Downton Abbey. Never watched it before but now really into it. I remember a friend of mine saying that she was glad I hadn't watched it as there was the episode a character dies from eclampsia. Well, that episode came last Saturday night and just brought all the horrible memories back again.

I'm not sure this will ever go away. I'm not sure what I'm after by posting this, just felt I needed to get it off my chest.

 

[littlemonkey]

Did you ever have anything with your hospitals where they went over the births with you explaining what happened? I know if you ask for it you can have something like a birth debrief.

I won't go into all the ins and outs of my son's birth other than to say I found it difficult to recover from physically, mentally and emotionally for some time. Even when I fell pregnant with this baby I was still apprehensive about the birth. As part of my vbac appointment (I ended up with an emergency section) the mw went through my notes from the delivery and I found this exceptionally helpful. There were a lot of questions that were answered for me that at the time the hospital staff simply didn't have the time to explain, plus I don't remember parts thanks to the pain relief.

I don't think it ever properly leaves you to be honest. I don't think my situation was half as dangerous as yours but even then there was a point where it could have gone either way for my son and thankfully for us it was picked up on and dealt with quickly and we all came out ok. It's not really until I see other people whose babies were in similar situations who didn't make it that it really hits me just how bad it got. I had counselling due to my pnd and it helped to talk about his birth as part of that as well. It not really talked to many people in real life about his birth and I feel like people don't really want to because of what happened. Or they kind of trivialise it like you were both ok that's all that matters. I feel like screaming I thought I was going to die does that not matter?!

I some ways think it has had a bigger impact on my OH, as he had to stand helpless on the sidelines and watch it all, whereas I was kind of out of it on pain relief and adrenaline. As soon as I fell pregnant again he was very insistent I have another section as he didn't know if he could go through watching me labour again. It's a credit to him as a man and husband that he is strong enough to be able to be there for me again.

Sorry I didn't mean to ramble on and I'm not sure I've been much help! Just wanted to say it's not just you and there are ways you can feel better about it.

 

[TTT]

I didn't have a traumatic labour but suffered from depression and ocd between the ages 13 and 18 after a traumatic experience. I still get flash backs and am still affected by it sometimes and it made me change as a person, which have never left me. But I learned how to deal with the emotions and I learned how to overcome my issues, though ill never be able.to forget it.

I think you might benefit from some sort of counselling. You may be entitled to it from the nhs but you'd have to go through your gp, which is never pleasant in my experience. If you can afford to, go to a private counsellor and look into hypnotherapy, it may be suitable for you.

If you feel like you were poorly treated, write a letter to the hospital where you were treated and maybe you can get some help without having to go through your gp.

I hope you manage to come to terms with it.

 

[Ella1979]

Thank you both for your replies.

TTT - yes, I'm actually considering counselling. I have a GP appointment in a couple of weeks for something else, so I might mention it then (the GP I'm seeing is lovely, so hopefully I'll be able to talk to her about it).

littlemonkey - I had that with people trivialising it and saying well you're lucky that you're both ok. I remember thinking, of course I'm lucky! I know it, I could have died from eclampsia and my daughter wouldn't have survived if I hadn't gone into hospital for codeine for what I thought was just a migraine - and having spent time with my daughter in special care, have made friends who weren't so lucky - but it doesn't change how traumatic the whole thing was. My OH was like yours when it came to having another. Mine looked totally sick about it and said he was afraid I'd get pre-eclampsia again and not come through it. He was amazingly supportive when we both decided to try for another. I had a reasonable second pregnancy but unfortunately the aftercare was non-existent and my high bp would have been missed if I didn't know what I was looking for.

I've contacted the hospital where I had my daughter to see if I can get hold of my notes and perhaps once I can go through it (without the fussy head of pre-eclampsia and being drugged up to the eyeballs on bp meds) I'll be able to understand it properly.

 

[Jajis]

Sorry you're going through this You may have seen it already, but there's a website about birth trauma that might have some helpful information and links: Birth Trauma Association, it has a list of counsellors who specialise in this area.

I'm not sure that some aspects of my son's labour / delivery / postnatal care will ever go away. He's just over 2.5 years now and some of it is starting to fade, but a lot of it is as clear as the day it happened, and if something reminds me of it I can still end up sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my face (which is why I'm not going to write about it now because that inevitably sets me off ). Mine was very different to yours and I imagine that many people, on the face of it, wouldn't think it was traumatic at all, because we're both alive and my son is perfectly healthy, but it was to me, and it has affected me in many ways.

Have you requested your notes? If not then I would start with that, and then ask about having a birth debrief. I had my debrief before I got my notes and I ended up with more questions than answers. I was about to be referred for counselling but unfortunately moved county before I could start it, and moved to a much less sympathetic GP* so I've never had any treatment which I really regret. I really want to have another baby, but I have no idea how I'll cope mentally if/when I do get pregnant again, as the idea terrifies me.




* When I mentioned that my previous GP had diagnosed PND we had this conversation:

GP: do you cry a lot?
Me: no, not really
GP: I didn't think so, you don't look like a depressed person
Me: *jaw drops*

So yeah... I do think I'll need to change GP before I have another baby

 

[CDx]

I have been wondering the exact same thing my son (still so strange saying that!) is a week old and both of us had a really tough time. I had a great pregnancy no major issues apart from an increased thirst in the last 6 weeks to the point it was ridiculous and in the days before being induced I was drinking 5-6 litres of fluid each day, I mentioned this at every midwife appointment but it was never followed up.

A week ago on Thursday we were sent for a presentation scan to find out that baby was in the correct position but in the 5th centile so they were concerned for his size, my blood pressure was also all over the place so I was booked in to be induced last Saturday.

I got to the hospital about 2 and got settled, given a sweep and put on the trace - all seemed fine but my BP was a bit on the high side, they took some bloods and I was left to it. I got some period style cramps but nothing major. Then about 6 a doctor came to speak to me as there was some abnormalities in my bloods that show I was dehydrated despite my constant intake of fluid. I was fitted with a catheter and then more bloods taken to be monitored a little closer and the midwife "to be on the safe side" thought I should go back on the trace for half an hour just to monitor baby - thank god she suggested this! Very quickly it showed baby was distressed and I was moved to labour ward for closer observations. My waters were broken and Arran's heartbeat dropped to 50 bpm so I was rushed straight to theatre and put under general anisthetic as there was no time to allow a spinal to work.

I woke up 2 hours later to find out I had a son who was in the special care unit and who had needed help with his breathing and heart rate. It took them over an hour to stabilise me. Meanwhile my poor OH and mum are left sitting in a corridor outside seeing a stream of doctors rushing into the room we were in. I was in high dependency for 3 days while they tried to figure out what was going on with me. Turns out it was pre-eclampsia and diabetes insipidus.

While in hospital I was fine but since coming home I've broken down a few times. We have a bump to birthday journal that I tried to fill out and the labour section I had to miss completely because I didn't have one. All the firsts like person to hold you, feed you, dress you that was all taken away from us. I can't begin to imagine how terrified my OH and mum must have been. The first 3 days with my son are a groggy blur. I know we are both so lucky to be here and now be on the mend but I just feel a bit denied of the precious first moments with my son and don't know how to get over it.

Hopefully in time I will but I'm glad to read I'm not the only one. We have a review with our consultant at 6 weeks to discuss everything that went wrong so I am hoping answers from that will help me to move forward but it has definitely put me off having another baby.

 

[Louise2013]

Sorry to hear you had such a rough time. Giving birth is such a rollercoaster for many.......I would ditto the other posters and say counselling is going to be your best bet. I had mild PND after the birth of my son and thanks to two amazingly lovely GPs it was all dealt with swiftly and happily. Seeking professional help was actually a Godsend, so hopefully you have a supportive GP who can be your first point of contact. Good luck xxxx

PS. Random aside on Downton: Arrgghhhhhh. I haven't gotten as far as the episode where Sybill dies yet!!! I'm new to it and Matthew has only just proposed to Mary.... Had no idea that was coming She's my favourite too..... maybe you could change the name in the original post from 'Sybill' to just 'a character'?!?!

 

[Ella1979]

Louise - I'm so sorry about spoiling Downton! I assumed most people would have seen it already as it was a few years old (even though I hadn't, so that was a bit stupid of me! plus my MIL ruined which character it was for me too; she assumed I knew). Just changed my original post.

Thanks for all your replies. I've just put in a request for copies of my notes. I'll start there.

CDx - I'm sorry you had such a tough time of it. I would say that if you can go through everything with a consultant in the next few weeks that would hopefully make a difference. I was never offered anything after mine xx

 

[Louise2013]

Louise - I'm so sorry about spoiling Downton! I assumed most people would have seen it already as it was a few years old (even though I hadn't, so that was a bit stupid of me! plus my MIL ruined which character it was for me too; she assumed I knew). Just changed my original post.

Thanks for all your replies. I've just put in a request for copies of my notes. I'll start there.

CDx - I'm sorry you had such a tough time of it. I would say that if you can go through everything with a consultant in the next few weeks that would hopefully make a difference. I was never offered anything after mine xx

Oh no! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! Sorry and yes, you are right, I am YEARS behind! I got really into it just before Christmas (having always thought I would HATE it) and now I have let my 'addiction' slide; you have prompted me to dig out the dvds though and get back on it - I LOVE IT!!!

 

[Emily0505]

I didn't have a traumatic birth as such, but I didn't have the birth I had hoped for.

I had a Labour debrief (as part of my PND treatment) which I found really helpful. I found out things that I didn't even realise had happened.

I think talking to someone about what you went through will be a great start.

Giving birth is such a big event in a woman's life, I think it will stay with everyone no matter how it went. My mum had me nearly 28 years ago followed by my brother 18 months later and even now feels cheated after having 2 C-Sections. I think it's just a case of making as much peace with it as you can.

XX

 

[littlemonkey]

Giving birth is such a big event in a woman's life, I think it will stay with everyone no matter how it went. My mum had me nearly 28 years ago followed by my brother 18 months later and even now feels cheated after having 2 C-Sections. I think it's just a case of making as much peace with it as you can.

XX

Emily, you're so right. Personally I feel like there is so much hype and pressure around giving birth, that it's just one more thing for us women to beat ourselves up with. It's almost as if not having the magical wonderful experience doesn’t make you a decent mother. There is so much expectation we put on ourselves to have the perfect birth.

I read a fantastic blog post on birth plans and I wish i could remember where it was so I could post it on here. It helped me get a lot of perspective on my son's birth. It talked about how with any other medical procedure no one would go in with any expectations other than coming out alive on the other side, so why do we treat birth any differently. We don't beat ourselves up if part of us packs in and we need surgery, so why do it with a section. My favourite was pain relief and how you would think someone was mad if they said they wanted to have open heart surgery with no anesthetic, but we celebrate women giving birth with no pain relief.

 

[Louise2013]

Giving birth is such a big event in a woman's life, I think it will stay with everyone no matter how it went. My mum had me nearly 28 years ago followed by my brother 18 months later and even now feels cheated after having 2 C-Sections. I think it's just a case of making as much peace with it as you can.

XX

Emily, you're so right. Personally I feel like there is so much hype and pressure around giving birth, that it's just one more thing for us women to beat ourselves up with. It's almost as if not having the magical wonderful experience doesn’t make you a decent mother. There is so much expectation we put on ourselves to have the perfect birth.

I read a fantastic blog post on birth plans and I wish i could remember where it was so I could post it on here. It helped me get a lot of perspective on my son's birth. It talked about how with any other medical procedure no one would go in with any expectations other than coming out alive on the other side, so why do we treat birth any differently. We don't beat ourselves up if part of us packs in and we need surgery, so why do it with a section. My favourite was pain relief and how you would think someone was mad if they said they wanted to have open heart surgery with no anesthetic, but we celebrate women giving birth with no pain relief.

This is so true. When you put it into real terms, childbirth is still one of the leading causes of female death across the globe! Because we have the advantage of western medicine and facilities, that risk here is minimal, but consequently society has 'evolved' to expect this magical, ethereal experience - in truth, as a (very small) example, I only know of two first time Mums from the 16 of us from across my NCT/antenatal groups who who had a relatively trauma-free experience. Everyone else came out with a war 'story'. But we are led to believe this is the exception to the rule and not the norm. But childbirth is hugely traumatic, even if only physically for some women, but I think for most of us it is emotionally shocking at the very least.

 

[Ella1979]

[QUOh no! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! Sorry and yes, you are right, I am YEARS behind! I got really into it just before Christmas (having always thought I would HATE it) and now I have let my 'addiction' slide; you have prompted me to dig out the dvds though and get back on it - I LOVE IT!!!

Well I was really behind - we only started watching a month ago as my sister had been given the box set for Christmas - but are already at the beginning of series 4!!! It's great, I could watch it every day.

littlemonkey - I think for me it's the whole part where I could have died and my baby could have died that I find so very unsettling; even though everything was just fine in the end, it's coming close to something you just didn't think you would during childbirth (even though women have been dying in childbirth for centuries).

I never had a birth plan with my daughter. I dismissed the whole thing as hippy nonsense. I was happy with whatever was going to happen, not interested in birth pools or my OH cutting the cord, or delayed cord clamping or anything like that. It was only afterwards that my midwife told me that milk could have been expressed from me while I was "out of it" had I written it down (they need that kind of thing in writing) and I had terrible trouble establishing any kind of supply when I finally was able to see my daughter. Consequently with my second pregnancy I wrote a birth plan, which just had my wishes should stuff go wrong. It provided some reassurance.

 

[Emily0505]

Giving birth is a powerful experience. Nearly losing your life is a powerful experience. Combine the two and it's overload!

As I said before, my birth experience will never go away. Bringing my son into the world was the most amazing, humbling, surreal and terrifying thing I have ever done. It will never leave me. It shouldn't ever leave me.

A birth experience isn't something you should ever forget but instead need acceptance of. I'm not happy with my first birth but now have accepted that what happened happened and it was outside of my control.

Obviously what happened to you was much more serious and it sounds as though talking things through with someone would be a good first step on the road to acceptance. I don't think nearly dying is something that you can ever just get over and deal with and you don't have to be ok with it. I would say its pretty healthy to not be ok with nearly losing your life!

I really hope you can get support with coming to terms with what happened



XX

 

[buzz]

For those who have done it, how would I go about requesting a copy of my notes?

 

[Ella1979]

Emily - thank you xx

buzz - I got the email address of my hospital's PALS team; emailed them and they forwarded it on to the relevant person, who's sent me some forms to fill in. Then they have 40 days from receipt of payment (£50) to provide copies. If you request your notes within 40 days of giving birth, they don't charge apparently.

 

[Jajis]

I requested my notes a year after giving birth and wasn't charged anything, I think it varies from trust to trust. I also asked for all my son's notes at the same time.

I requested mine by making a 'Subject Access Request' (the details for my trust are on this page: http://www.ouh.nhs.uk/about/subject-access/default.aspx so your trust may have a similar page of info).

I rang them and the person I spoke to gave me his email address and said to email him the details of what I wanted... a couple of weeks later it turned up in the post (despite what it says on the website it didn't cost me anything and they didn't check my identity, which in hindsight is a little worrying!).