Disappointed with mums reaction

[Jen & Her Men]

Hi guys, had to write all this down to let off steam as I have just come off the phone to my mum after another disappointing conversation.
Bit of background. I have been engaged for 9 months, getting married on September 1st to the love of my life, I am 28, have a very successful career and own my own house. My OH and I made a concious decision to get pregnant and were lucky enough to fall fairly quickly and Im now 8 weks gone. All pretty perfect really - except that its not to my mum.

We have always been really close and i have always been the blue-eyed daughter who she puts up on a bit of a pedestal. She was a bit negative to the news I was getting married but came round but I have hardly had any help from her - she came with me to look at dresses but thats it.
Then when i told her I was pregnant she was really cold and said that it was a real shame that I wasnt doing it in "the right order" as I fell pregnant before being married and that she was sad because she only ever wanted the best for me! She has been like this pretty much for the last month (ever since I told her I was expecting) and it really hurts me. She has a lot of trouble with my stepdad and my brothers and I am always there for her and helping her and almost more like her mum than the oher way round, so I really hoped i would get something back. I really miss that I cant pick up the phone to her and tell her whats happening with the pregnancy because she is so cold about it. I dont really get on with my step dad (he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me as a child) but my mum is insisting that I tell him myself that I am pregnant rather than her doing it. Then she makes out that he isnt going to be very happy about it which makes me dread it all the more. So tonight I called her to see when I should tell him as the wedding is drawing nearer and I want to announce the pregnancy at the wedding as Im excited about it and its something to celebrate. She responded that she was surprised that I wanted to announce the pregnancy at the wedding as she thought that I would want to appear "regal" - inferring that being pregnant would somehow marr the occasion and be degrading. This really really upset me. It makes me so angry as i had a far from perfect childhood with a biological father and a step dad who both mistreated me. She was married to both of them but it certainly didnt make them better parents. I would rather stay unmarried if it meant being a good mum as opposed to getting married and being a bad one, but I find it hard to say that to her because she is my mum and I dont want to hurt her.
Is anyone else really disappointed with their mums reaction to their pregnancy? How have you dealt with it? Any help would be appreciated as Im really unhappy about this and a bit flabbergasted as I wasnt expecting her to be like this and I want to be able to celebrate with my mum and its so sad that I cant

 

[libs]

So sorry it all worked out like this.

One thing that struck me straight away as your mum had a bad reaction to you getting married as well is that your mum doesn't sound like she's had much luck with her marriages and (other than you) her children. Are you her only daughter? I wonder if she's actually scared of you having an unhappy time with your marriage and children like she has? And that maybe she wishes (without wishing you and your brothers away) that she had stayed single and had a different life.

I would guess that the announcing it on the wedding day is simply an old fashioned value that when she sees how most people react will disappear.

Maybe she needs a little reassurance as to your OH's love and dedication to you, talk about how excited he is, and how happy the two of you are. And maybe just ask her outright why she isn't excited about this brilliant event, ask her to come to a scan with you or something.

As for the stepfather - you're a grown up now, if he is nasty to you when you tell him, then stand up and walk out. He has no power over you anymore, only what you give him

 

[BEX101]

Maybe your mum worried because it doesnt sound like she's got the perfect relationship herself. i wouldnt worry about people thinking it's bad to get pregnant befor getting married.
I'm getting married in November but the baby is due in September. We are also getting married in a church.... i wasnt showing when we met up with the vicar and i was more than a bit worried about telling the vicar, but we couldnt have asked for a better reaction. The vicar even wants us to include the baby in the service and celebrate our new family unit. So if the vicar can deal with it. I'm sure the rest of the population can.

 

[Jen & Her Men]

thank you Libs and Bex for your inciteful responses. I think you are both right in a lot of ways - I know my mum does worry about me making the same mistakes she did, but she doesnt need to worry as I am probably more worried about that than she is and I have shyed away from commitment in the past because |I dont want to make the same errors as she has over the years. I think she has this perception that I am the one thing she has got right and she is always telling her mates and anyone who will listen about how great I am and how proud she is of me, so this has put a mark against me in her eyes as I think she will be thinking that other people will look down on the fact that I got pregnant before getting married and therefore she wont be able to boast about me as she always has done.- almost like people will be saying "See, I knew she couldnt be that perfect and this has proven it" (Please dont think that I think I am perfect by the way- far from it!! Its just my mums perception thats all). Its a pretty impossible ideal to live up to and I have managed it so far Its just a shame that my "downfall" has to come at a time that I feel is so special to me, yet she is making it out to be something completely opposite. She even told me off before cos I got a bit emotional before watching a movie about a mother and baby because it was really lovely and it made things more real for me - she told me to pull myself together as i had a long way to go yet!!! I had previously had the (obviously stupid) notion that my mum nad I would be watching stuff like that together and getting all excited about it. or maybe Im just unrealistic. I dunno.

 

[NIE]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling like this at the moment. I can't really understand what you are going through as I have a fantastic relationship with my mother.

I just wanted to let you know you have my support and to give you a hug.