Dilemma

[Rosieroo]

My step-grandad is dying of cancer and doesn't have long to live.

About 3 weeks ago I went to see him, took him a rice pudding and before I left I gave him a big kiss and cuddle and held his hand. I didn't think it would be the last time I would see him but now it might be.

My dad died of cancer which had a very big impact on me and is something I am just starting to put behind me. Watching him die when I was 12 was the most painful experience I have ever been through.

My mum visited my grandad today and told me not to go and see him now as he's in a right state and is just like my dad went.

I feel very bad that I wont ever see him again but on the other hand I couldn't bear to drag up the memories of what my dad looked like in his final days.

I guess I need some reassurance to know that I am doing the right thing by not seeing him to help ease my conscience. Whether I see him or not the current situation has brought up some bad feelings for me and I'm feeling a bit sad at the moment .

I've already spoken to a good friend that's really helped me (thank you, you know who you are ) and this isn't really a poll situation, but would you stay away?

Thanks for reading

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

hun i think u should do wot u feel u need to do, im sure ur grandad would understand knowin u went thro this with ur dad, and no matter wot happens he will know that u love him
im sending u big ((((HUGS))))

 

[kellie80]

I lost my nan to cancer 4 years ago, I did visit her almost daily right up until the end. A lot of the family were with her when she died but i couldn't bare it. I don't regret staying away as i was there for her when she knew what was going on. Do what feels right and don't fee guilty if you stay away at the end. Just my opinion.

 

[Peanut]

I s'pose for me it would depend how much the person knew of their situation - would they be comforted to know I was there, or would they oblivious to me being there?

I guess if I could bring some love and comfort to someone I would go...but I didn't see my grandad or grandmother when either of them was in their last days...and I'm glad about that because I remember them as they were in life.

You must do what you feel is right, good luck and best wishes to your grandad and family x

 

[Lauz_1601]

aww hun its a horrible situation isnt it. My step-grandad was very very ill when his bowlels went gangreen and we didnt think he'd make it, miraculasly (sp) he's still here today. I didnt go to see him at the point where he was very poorly, I was younger at the time though and its horrible to see them like that, I do think its better to remember them as they were when they were better.

But as said if he would take comfort by you being there then I would probably go and see him, if it was me. Its entirely your descision but dont feel bad or guilty in anyway he will understand your reasons and still love you!

 

[Rosieroo]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I should have said that he's not really aware of what's happening at the moment, even when I saw him a few weeks back he kept calling Ella a "boy and he" and it took him a few minutes to recognise me

I don't want to regret not saying goodbye, but I don't want to regret seeing him in a bad state. Today when my mum arrived he'd wet himself That's not the grandad I know (mouthy counsellor/union man, very for the people).

 

[Yvonne]

Hey Kina,

My grandad died 3 years ago, of heart problems. (i know its not cancer..sorry)
They knew he was going to pass away within the hour so my mum rang me and asked if i wanted to come and see him and i didn't.
Not regretted it once, i remember him as the happy cheery grandad that i always knew, who sat me on his knee and always told me he loved me.

All my cousins (his grandchildren) went to say goodbye and regret seeing him in his last few minutes, he was full of needles and bruises where they had tried to revive him first time round.

It is different to each person, i personally am glad i didn't.

The one thing i am glad i did was went to the mortuary to see him laid to rest. he looked peaceful. Thats when i said my goodbyes.

Hope you feel ok Kina.

 

[Urchin]

Kina there is no right or wrong choice here, it's just what you feel best doing.

To be honest it sounds like he might not even know you're there, so if going is going to really upset you, then stay away and remember him as he was

 

[Dee1985]

awwww kina

i think its nice your last time with him he got a big kiss and cuddle some people never get that when there is a sudden death

my nan was an alcholic her death was horrid last time i seen her she was yellow all over and reliving her life she never knew who i was and was saying how she was going out to meet her new boyfriend(she was talking about her husband of 20yrs) and the last time i seen her has always stayed with me. wish i didnt see her like that, she was moved to a private room and told it was a matter of hours

 

[nicki]

I do feel for you hun & know what you're going through. You probably already know deep down what you want to do so go with whats in your heart.

Sending you a xxx

 

[Tam]

Kina,

I am so sorry to hear this hun

Having watched my Mum die of cancer and be with her when she died on Boxing day, I know exactly what you are talking about and I can tell you this, I would give anything to remember Mum as she was rather than the later months and definitely the last few days........

I am sure it will take me a long time to get over it, but there was no way I would not have been with my Mum.......but I long for the day the last days are not the images I have of Mum, as that was nothing like who my Mum was.

I personally would stay away hun, you have been thru it once before with your Dad and you really don't want to bring those painful memories back hun, your Grandad would understand, and would he really want to put you thru it again? I think not babe.

It is ultimatley your decision babe, but I think you would be wise staying away for your own sake.

I hope everything is peaceful for him babe

and BIG to you xx

 

[emilia]

Hi Kina
So sorry to hear of your sad situation. I don't have any advice to offer, I'm afraid.

I am sending both you and your grandad, a hug. I'm thinking of you.

Emilia xx

 

[Minime]

Seeing things like that is part and parcel of my job hun and in all honesty a lot of people prefer not to see people in their final stages unless its their closest i.e daughter/wife.
Its a personal choice and just do what you feel is right. I had to take DD to see my nan years ago, it was the first time she'd seen her and we knew it would be the last. All the grandkids stayed away when she went into the final stages, not because we didnt want to see her but because it would be exhausting for her and she wouldnt want us to see her like that.

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

Hun i just read this im so sorry you are in this position, i hope you think about it before you make up your mind .
It cant be easy but at least you got good memories and a good visit with him
No one can choose for you , but i hope whatever you do it will help you remember him in a better way
Katrina xxx

 

[Em78]

Kina i am so sorry hun.

if it were me i think i would stay away now. it sounds like the last time you saw him you said a nice goodbye, maybe it was better that you didnt know it was final? i dont know. i think i would want to keep that as my last memory of him and if i were him i would rather you have that final memory. my sarrogate grandad (long story!) died a few years ago from cancer and he didnt want any family apart from my dh's nan (his oh) to be there towards the end. i think it was too painful to see their sadness of losing him. i am grateful in a way as although i didnt get to say goodbye i now only have happy memories of the nutty old bugger and thats what he wanted.

i'm sorry you have to make this choice hun - you've made me well up now!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Melanie]

Kina, in your situation i would stay away.

My uncle died of cancer, we spent a lot of time together, he was a great man. I was with him when he died and i wish i hadn't been because that's how i remember him now. Not the big man who would tickle me with his beard but as a shell of himself who couldnt control his bowels

 

[Cat&Noah]

Hi Kina,
Im so sorry to hear your news. Like a lots of people on here have said, seing someone at that stage can leave you with very sad memories as you know with your own dad, it can be better to leave the good memories in your head. I know my OH regrets seing his nan for the last time when she was dying of cancer as she looked like a completly different person. And his mum saw here after she died in her casket and has been haunted by how she looked ever since.

If you feel you want to go because you feel bad staying away dont. I know its not the same but when I was in hospital a few years ago having spinal surgery and the amount of pain relief medication they gave me I cant remember a thing, I dont remember being in pain, and I dont remember any of my stay! Im sure your grandfather is comfortable and wil not feel let down in anyway at your absence. It sounds like you had a nice goodbye already.

Whatever you decide to to is your decision, and we wish you the best xx

 

[maybebaby]

I agree with what's been said on the other posts, it's a personal choice and you need to do what feels right. I don't know if it'll help but when my Grandma died of cancer 3 years ago I didn't see her in the hospital but felt that I got to say goodbye at the funeral.

Sorry I can't offer any firm advice. Thinking of you

 

[Rosieroo]

Thank you all very much for your replies, they mean a lot to me (more than you can understand!)

I just had a call to say that he's now unconcious and they think that he will die within the next couple of days, therefore the decision was taken out of my hands, I now accept my final goodbye was the one a few weeks ago . I'm helping out the best I can with my two younger sisters (treating them to KFC for tea ) and they're downstairs watching a film at the moment.

Thanks again for helping me and sharing your experiences, I know that it's a painful subject

 

[Dee1985]

aww kina Hun

your Grandad is in my prayers.