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honeybear

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hi this can be deleted now x
 
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I think you have to put yourself first sometimes. What do you want? I think a lot of us are guilty of trying to please everyone else. If you feel you want your Mum out of your life then make it happen. It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into it. And if your oh is the man you want to spend your life with and have children with then you need to make that a priority. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short to live with regret. Xx
 
thanks purple
my o.h mum said ive done alot of that pleasing my mum for a quiet life
i dont wanna be a bad person or be selfish im just not sure emotionally i can hack it any more
and i dont wanna lose my oh over it
xx
 
I think moving is a good idea- some space always helps the situation. Is it worth having a quiet word with your dad? If the official move is to support your mil, then you could quietly explain to him the real reasons. Then maybe he could rein your mum in a bit. The only other thing I can suggest is something that (eventually) worked with my grandma. Every time she started, I would walk out of the room saying 'I'm not talking about this' even to the point of leaving the house. If you refuse to engage with her on a rant, she will eventually run out of steam. Then just say the topic is none of her business and if she continues you'll ask her to leave. And then carry out that threat. Never suffer abuse in your own home.
I hope it sorts itself out for you.
 
thankyou for the advice
i do always talk to my dad and i tell him the truth
my o.h mum means alot to me even tho we have had our differences
she is alone and been through alot of bad stuff and she needs someone there for her its a shame

what youve said makes sense but i have tried that with my mum for a long time and she just keeps coming back worse than before until she stops and then starts again a few weeks later
i just dont know what the answer is anymore she cant see she makes the problems
xx
 
I know how you feel. My mother and I have never had that bond that we should have and because of events this year, I completely remove myself from her. If she texts or messages me she gets 1 word replies. I only speak to her really because of my grandma (who has brought me up practically).

If I was in your situation I think I would speak to my OH and ask him how he wants things to go? Perhaps you can have a relationship with your mother where he has to have minimal contact with her? I would also inform him that once I spoke to her, she is bound to bring up all kinds of crap and things that have been said about him...just make sure he knows and understands that these things were said at the heat of the moment because everyone has frustrations and if he is close to his mother its quite probable that he has also voiced his frustrations to his mother.

If you want her out your life moving would be a good idea, however, I wouldn't move solely because of her. You can't live your life to please other people. Tell her you need space and that includes not contacting you until you contact her. Tell her that if she doesn't do this she is at risk of losing you forever and is that what she wants?

My husbands parents always make me feel if they do anything for us they expect something in return. Love for your children should mean you would walk 1000 miles for them for ANY reason. She shouldn't expect anything back and I would not feel guilty about it. You did not choose to be brought into this world, that was her choice and as your mother there is surely a duty of responsibility that comes along with that role to make sure you never need for anything?
 
hi sugar pop
thankyou for sharing your experience
to be honest the move we have tried several areas to settle down in and non have felt right or been the right circumstances my OH and i met in the town his mum lives and spent alot of time there which i think is why it feels like home
my oh left his area to make me happy and i think i owe it to him to be with his mum when she needs us too. the house we have is too big and costs alot to run when there is only 2 of us and 3 fur kitties.

luckily my oh knows alot about my mum and has been on the brunt side of her rubbish and trouble causing before so he knows what to expect
he has spoken to his mum in the past about us and his mum said he could do better than me because of it but since along time ago apologised for that and said she didnt know me well enough and shouldnt have at least she was big enough to say it.

i dont know whats wrong with her i feel her behaviour has got worse since shes got older and ive walked away many times before but come back because shes upped her rubbish and got to us
i feel like the only way out is to have little contact as possible - shes studied psycology at degree so knows how to tweak and twist peoples emotions its terrible

as adults we shouldnt face this behaviour in his words his family would never dream of speaking to him like that so why should mine xx

i forgot to say my oh has never said i have to choose and has said i can still speak to her if i wish but he doesnt want too
 
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what a terrible situation to be in, your mum sounds like a classic narcissist. I don't have much advice other than to try and go low/no contact with her as soon as possible, it is not healthy to have such a toxic relationship in your life. You don't owe her anything, in fact you owe it more to your self to be happy.
If it helps check out http://as.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
you might find some familiar stories & advice on there from people in a similar situation to you xxx
 
hi girls thankyou for the replies
well i didnt have contact with her for three weeks and it felt great
i finally went round yesterday because my dad agreed to look after our cats for the weekend whilst we went away for couple of days but she spoke to me then
it was civil and tried to have a conversation, then today shes just acting like all is normal again so ive stopped replying to her texts because i dont want to push oh into thinking all is well when its not

what an awful position when you can say you havent missed speaking to one of your parents
xx
 
thankyou for the link i must admit there is some traits in there on the emotional side and her personality that are an exact match i could compare some of them things definately!
mostly the emotions siblings and relationship stuff
xx
 

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