Daughter asking the questions Ive always feared :(

[glitzyglamgirl]

For those who dont know the full story its here http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=23328&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 but basically my girls live with thier dad, and lastnight I was on the phone to my eldest (15 in november) and she blurted out that she thinks I dont love her, never wanted her and abandoned them. It turned into a 2 hour conversation alternating between tears - as I tried to tell her the truth of what happened - and laughter as I reminded her of all the good times we've shared. I have always said that when she was ready, and when she asked the questions, I would tell her the truth. I never have before because I didnt want to put her in the position of hearing bad stuff about her dad, who has raised her so well for the last 7 years or so.

But I had to tell her, because she asked and she deserves the truth. Shes coming to stay for the weekend so we can talk about it properly.

She told me she has been so stressed about it the last few months that her periods stopped, and shes started stealing money from her dad and lying. I guess its an attention thing. I just feel so so awful, what have I done to my girls??????

I couldnt sleep lastnight as I felt all the guilt poring into me again, all the heartache of giving them up, all the frustration of not being able to protect them. I thought I was doing the right thing by them, and now it seems I just set in motion a whole lot of hurt and confusion for my babies.

Im hoping we can have a weekend together and I can make her understand, shes so wise and intelligetn beyond her years Im sure she will, I just cant bare the thought of her going the same way as I did, and for the same reasons too.

How am I supposed to take all the pain away from her?

 

[krystal&jack]

aww firstly let me give you loadsa

I read your orginal post and I don't think you should feel guilty, i'm sure anyone in your position would have done the same. You've been a fantastic mam to your girls already by allowing yourself to recover from your breakdown and getting your life back on track, if you hadn't have done that god knows where you would be now.

I'm sure you daughter has loads of questions running around her head right now as well as the usual hormones but by the sounds of it she's grown up for her age and once you have the weekend together to talk things through this will allow her to understand your position a lot more and she will be able to deal with her feelings better. I'm sure the stealing money thing is just a cry for attention and sure this will pass once you 2 have a good chat.

I can't pretend i know what your going through but I hope everything turns out well with your girls - I'm sure they will cos you sound like a mum any girl would be proud to have

 

[kazlin]

Oh sweetie, please don't upset yourself

This is something which you have been waiting for, for a very long time and the fact that she has approached the subject with you has in my opinion made it a little easier.
You know that she is now ready to hear all the details.

I think that once you have explained everything to her you will be able to 'move on' from this guilt that you have been burdening yourself with all these years.
Your daughter (don't know if you want me to say her name on here) by what you have told me is a very up front (wonder where she gets that from!!!) young lady so be prepared for some straight asking questions. You know how a lot of 15 year olds talk. Just speak the truth to her.

As you know I don't know my dad, but my mum has always told me the truth about him without putting him down to me and for this I really respect her.


You know I am here for you babe, so if you want to have a chat, send me a text and I'll ring you.

Huge to you and speak soon xxxxx

 

[Squiglet]

Don't feel guilty The questions were bound to come at some point... at least you have the opportunity to set the record straight with your kids... and at the end of the day you don't know what your ex has been telling them as to why they don't live with you...

You gave your kids the life you thought was best for them at the time, a stable home. And with all the toing and froing your kids were doing back then, the best thing you could have given them was stability in some form and you did, even if the circumstances were undesirable (btw I would have twated my mother had she done what yours did!!! )

I get a lot of difficult questions from Tia about her father, why did I take her away from daddy, why were we fighting, why did I stop loving daddy, why doesn't daddy love her etc... The current one is about daddy dying like the soldiers on TV and what is she going to do if he dies... The difference is, is that my ex doesn't want to explain himself to his daughter which shows he just doesn't care, nor does he feel guilty for what he's done... and I feel guilty about what happened.. !!!

I think as mothers we always feel guilty regardless of whether we made the right choices at the time... our children's lives weren't perfect and they are, so we feel guilty because it should have been...

Be honest with your daughter, that's all you can do... You are there for her now, and as long as she knows that she will forgive you... I always tell Tia that grown ups very rarely make good decisions, and even when they do they aren't very good about carrying them out... Grown ups always have issues, and she should try and stay a child for as long as possible, because grown ups are very sad, lost creatures and our children are always our crowning glory of our lives.

 

[kazlin]

Well said Squiglet

 

[mamichuli]

You are one of the bravest people I have ever met (even if it is online). It is sometimes much more difficult to let go than to hold on...Talking to your girl is probably going to open a lot of old wounds, all I can suggest is that you give her honest answers and dont be afraid of crying in front of her. You would be suprised at how well kids deal with the fact that their parents have sad moments. I suspect that you will come out closer to each other through this. My thoughts are with you...

Lisa

 

[Sammystar]

I can only second what everybody else has said.

These situations are so difficult, because like you said, even though he's been a total b***** to you, he's always been a good dad to the girls.

All you can do is be honest and speak to her as an equal. If she's as gusty and as bright as you are, she'll deal with it.

I hope the weekend goes well (I'm sure it will) and that you both come out of it stronger and closer than ever.......

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Thanks everyone

Shes down not this weekend but the weekend after so ive got a bit of time to think about how im going to handle it, but I want to be as honest as I possibly can be.

Its so ironic. When I was her age I got in contact with my dad (hadnt seen him since I was 6) and he started telling me all sorts of stuff about my mum, and then she started telling me all sorts of stuff about him, and I didnt know who to believe. It really messed me up and its when I went off the rails, got into drugs, got thrown out of home and left school early with no GCSE's. Thats what I wanted to avoid by never telling her what her dad was like to me, but shes in the same position now. I have to tell her the truth and just hope she doesnt end up stuck in the middle like I did.

Kaz, I'll call you this weekend if thats ok, want to hear about your scan anyway

 

[Babylicious]

 

[libs]

Thanks everyone

Shes down not this weekend but the weekend after so ive got a bit of time to think about how im going to handle it, but I want to be as honest as I possibly can be.

Its so ironic. When I was her age I got in contact with my dad (hadnt seen him since I was 6) and he started telling me all sorts of stuff about my mum, and then she started telling me all sorts of stuff about him, and I didnt know who to believe. It really messed me up and its when I went off the rails, got into drugs, got thrown out of home and left school early with no GCSE's. Thats what I wanted to avoid by never telling her what her dad was like to me, but shes in the same position now. I have to tell her the truth and just hope she doesnt end up stuck in the middle like I did.

Kaz, I'll call you this weekend if thats ok, want to hear about your scan anyway

I ended up in the same situation but a few years older - I think having been through that we know how it feels - there's the truth that she needs to know and the bits that can be saved till she's older and I'm sure that you will come out with the right words when you have to - even if you can't think of them in advance

 

[kellysomer]

Hun i think you're a legend and you will find a way to explain to her. Talk to her as an adult and you'll get an adult response.

I only have one question about it all which i dont understand, how the hell are you looking so young, i thought you were about 20-25 by your avatar?

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

lol thanks Kelly, no im 32 for my sins

My nan swore by never using soap on the face, just warm water, and it seems to work

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Thanks everyone

Shes down not this weekend but the weekend after so ive got a bit of time to think about how im going to handle it, but I want to be as honest as I possibly can be.

Its so ironic. When I was her age I got in contact with my dad (hadnt seen him since I was 6) and he started telling me all sorts of stuff about my mum, and then she started telling me all sorts of stuff about him, and I didnt know who to believe. It really messed me up and its when I went off the rails, got into drugs, got thrown out of home and left school early with no GCSE's. Thats what I wanted to avoid by never telling her what her dad was like to me, but shes in the same position now. I have to tell her the truth and just hope she doesnt end up stuck in the middle like I did.

Kaz, I'll call you this weekend if thats ok, want to hear about your scan anyway

I ended up in the same situation but a few years older - I think having been through that we know how it feels - there's the truth that she needs to know and the bits that can be saved till she's older and I'm sure that you will come out with the right words when you have to - even if you can't think of them in advance

Thanks libs, yeah theres things she doesnt need to know and would do her head in even more, just the bones of the history is all thats needed and try to make her understand that I never ever stopped loving her.

 

[kazlin]

Kaz, I'll call you this weekend if thats ok, want to hear about your scan anyway

Of course it is, look forward to it mate xxxxx

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

I spoke to her again lastnight and she said she feels much happier about everything now shes got it off her chest and now that she knows she can talk to me about it if she ever needs to, and she said shes sorry for ever thinking I didnt love her - I obviously said not to be sorry its ok, and I think we both feel like we have turned a corner and have moved onto the next stage of our relationship - from parent and child to mother and daughter

 

[emma28]

Thats great

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Good luck GGG, i hope it goes as well as it can, i know it will be hard for the both of you.
Im sre she will understand whats has happened happens for a reason.

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Thanks

Ive spoken to her loads since then (we usually talk on the phone atleast every other night) and she seems so much more happier and open with me, and ive asked her not to say anything to her little sister as she is still too young to understand, I'll approach that when she asks me as I have with Lou. The way I see it, if shes old enough to ask the questions then shes old enough to hear the answers - albeit the watered down version.

She wants us to write and record (on pc) a song together at the weekend so I'll link to the results of that

 

[Squiglet]

I believe exactly the same thing... When their old enough to ask the question they are old enough to hear an answer..



Gotta hear that song link though...

 

[HappyAlice]

GGG your story is bringing tears to my eyes