Choosing to have only one child?

[ShowingPromise]

Hi ladies
I've known for a while that I only want one child - for lots of reasons, many of them selfish but others wanting to give our little one a great life, something I feel we can do better with just one child.
I've always been career focused and I've sacrificed a lot at work and in my personal life to have my son, which I don't regret for a second but don't feel comfortable with doing it again.
Add to this a pretty horrid birth and recovery I'm certain I don't want another baby.

Whenever I mention this to friends or family they just say I'll change my mind and it's selfish, that only children have social problems and it would be my doing by not giving him a sibling. Now I know that's rubbish and I'll be making sure he does activities with other kids and is as social as possible. I have close friends with children of a similar age and we already have fortnightly play dates at 11 weeks old.

Hubby wants another now our son is here but he said he didn't mind just having one before we got pregnant.

Does/ has anyone else only had one by choice?

 

[Pumpkin9]

We have decided to have two but I thought I'd share my experience of being an only child myself.

I personally had a lovely childhood and never felt (and still don't) that I have missed out or need a sibling. My parents were very caring towards me - admittedly they were older (my mum was nearly 40 and my dad 44) so I'm sure this had a part to play, my mum also suffered from pnd so another factor there, but I don't think they regretted their choice either. I've had long conversations with my mum since becoming a mum myself and she has never expressed a regret that she didn't have more children

 

[Phoenix85]

I was an only child too and growing up I wanted a sibling. I really loved babies and little kids and remember really wishing my parents had had another baby.

Ever since I hit my teenage years I was desperate for kids of my own and had my first at 18 and second at 21. I wanted a large family (my mum was the youngest of 7 and I loved seeing all my cousins, and wanted lots of kids like my grandma had).
Anyway, I split up with their dad when my youngest was still little, so it's taken til now, at 30, to get pg with baby number 3.
I'd still like more babies after this one lol.

Anyway, all that said, now I'm an adult I can see the benefits to being an only child. We went on holidays abroad every year which we might not have done if I'd had siblings (due to extra cost etc) and I had ballet lessons and swimming and any other clubs etc I wanted to take part in, and my parents have helped me out a lot financially since I split up with my ex and got me the house I'm now living in, which again wouldn't have happened if I'd had siblings as it wouldn't be fair to spend the money on one but not the other.

Also, as much as I wished to have a sibling, I would probably have felt differently if I had, and resented sharing etc. I know my two kids fight a lot and have said they wished they were an only child on many occasions

I think no matter what you do there's a good chance your child(ren) will wish you'd done the opposite. So ultimately you need to decide what is best for you. Not just for your child, but for the subsequent child. It would be worse having a child "for your first-born" and then resenting them or feeling stressed out at the extra responsibility.

 

[Karenb]

I think as a child it wouldn't have been so bad but now as an adult I can't imagine not having my sister and know as our parents grow older I couldn't handle it alone... So it's not just their childhood to consider but their life as adults too x

 

[B81292]

I was also an only child and I had the best childhood . My mum couldn't have any more after me so she always felt sadness about not giving me a sibling but I wouldn't change my childhood for anything . My friend has a little girl and they have chosen not to have anymore and their daughter is having an upbringing which was just like mine . They don't regret their decision and don't want any more and their daughter is just as happy as I was . She has cousins and friends of a similar age.
I had days when I was really young where I wanted a sibling maybe to play with but it never lasted long as I was just loved so much . I didn't have cousins and my family was tiny but I was always doing activities and had friends at school who I always used to see x

 

[Eryinera]

I do want two kids but that's because me and my oh are both only children. I can also say all of our friends have siblings and none of them have been as shall we say emotionally secure as us two. We also (I feel) have matured earlier than them. I'm not saying having siblings makes you not as good as an only child but is so not true what your friends are saying. I think i can also tell which children in the playground have siblings they tend to more boisterous and more confident but to be honest I think it all hinges on the parents. There is no right and wrong it makes my blood boil when people say only children are in some way damaged or selfish or have social problems. Both me and oh have won awards in our jobs for our people skills. I do want more than one but that's more because as an only child of two only children I just want my son to have a bit more family if you get me. There are plusses and minuses of both I know what I said may be controversial and may offend. I don't wish to offend I'm just tired of the way people seem to react when they find out I'm an only child. They say "oh im so sorry" like i have a disease. My biggest issue has been other people's opinions if I'm brutally honest but you know I've had a good life I've got a good job a good education a beautiful house on mortgage in a good area ok it needs decorating but meh. And to be honest I'd doubt I'd have half of this if I or my oh had a sibling.

 

[Colleen1988]

I could have written this post myself...

Isaac will be an only child, for the same reasons as you!!

I had the most horrendous birth and nearly died, I really didn't cope well being pregnant either, I had awful morning sickness until I was roughly 27 week pregnant and im terrified of going through all of that again!

Everyone keeps saying I'll have another but I know deep down that I wont. Never say never but at this moment in time I honestly don't want anymore!

Me and my oh are going to give isaac the best life possible and he will be totally spoilt, that's our choice.

I think we're all so worried about what others think but sometimes we need to take a step back and think "it's our life and we shouldn't live to please others" if you only want one baby then that's your choice xxx

 

[ShowingPromise]

Thanks for the replies ladies, I have thought it through so many times but going through it all again will just result in me being unhappy, I'm sure of it. I'd be doing it for other people rather than because I really wanted another one, which just isn't right.
I love our son so much but just can't see me wanting another.

 

[Colleen1988]

Thanks for the replies ladies, I have thought it through so many times but going through it all again will just result in me being unhappy, I'm sure of it. I'd be doing it for other people rather than because I really wanted another one, which just isn't right.
I love our son so much but just can't see me wanting another.

You sound exactly like me lol...

I love isaac more than anything but I just can't imagine doing all this again. I take my hat off to those that have more than one, I don't know how they do it... Isaac has taken over my life and that's totally fine, I live for him now and im going to provide him with the best of everything. I just couldn't do it again xxx

 

[ShowingPromise]

I'll just need to grow a thick skin I think! Only had him 12 weeks ago and the 'when are you having another one' questions started weeks ago!

 

[mylullaby]

It's no-one else's business. End of.

Other than your oh of course. I think with him you do need to talk things through together - with you listening to his reasons for changing his mind and him listening to your reasons for still wanting just the one. Obviously you will have to come to an agreement between you, but you shouldn't feel pressured into having a pregnancy/child that they don't want to have.

As for anyone else, they can eff off can't they?? Just change the subject every time it's mentioned. Add a one-liner along the lines of "it's our decision and ours alone" if you feel the need. And don't worry about sounding rude if you say that - they are the ones being rude for thinking that your family planning is anything to do with them. xxx

 

[ShowingPromise]

You are right mylullaby - it isn't really anyone else's business!

As for hubby I know he will be supportive but I do want him to be completely honest with me about his feelings on the subject, so I will bring it up for us to talk about when life isn't quite so fraught

 

[Jojo84]

It's totally your choice!
Only children are totally fine! My best friend is an only child and she has zero social issues. My mother is an only child and she doesn't hsve any issues.

Although I will say this - both my mother and my friend said they wished they had a sibling - my mother Especially is over the moon that were expecting another as did says she felt very lonely at times and thinks two is better than one.
Being an I only child with an elderly mother and nobody to help as well as aunt/uncles is not fun, but I don't think hsving smother child gir the sake of it is good for you.

It's your decision and there are arguments on both sides, but doing whst makes you happy is the important thing. Happy mummy = happy family.

 

[mylullaby]

Also I don't mean this to come across as nasty, but just to give an alternative point of view to the only-child-elderly-parents thing. It would be incredibly selfish to have another child on the basis that you would have more care options when you're old. You just never know what could happen. People emigrate. People die. (Sorry to be blunt, but it's true). People argue. I would never expect my children to take care of me in my old age. They might decide to but it's not something I would expect. And while I'm sure it does feel to many only children that they're responsible for their elderly parents, having siblings doesn't necessarily mean that one child won't still feel responsible or that suddenly care options are easier to handle. Anyone who uses that as a reason to pressure you into changing your mind is a knob. X

 

[Kay Kay]

I don't think I'll have another child either for various reasons so I think about this subject a lot. I have an older brother myself and we fought like cat and dog as kids and although I love him we don't get on well as adults. I don't feel particularly close to him. Our dad died ten years ago and I was the one who dealt with everything and I'm still the one that's there for my mum. If she needs something she comes to me. So I agree with mylullaby that there's no guarantees that having a sibling will lessen the burden of looking after elderly parents. You've got to do what's right for you and your partner and even the fact you're thinking about this shows you're a good mum. Your boy will be fine xx

 

[kumber]

I'm an only child and have found it both a curse and a blessing. I'm extremely close to two of my cousins but I never feel fully involved with them as they are siblings, despite us growing up together and our moms basically joint parenting. As a teenager I found it difficult due to family circumstances. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and I don't have a dad so it was incredibly isolating. As an adult I find it lonely and am extremely envious of sibling relationships. My mom has always regretted not having more and unfortunately now she's unable to due to medical conditions starting at 33 years old. All of these reasons have pushed me to having more than one.

On the flip side I'm extremely independent, I have had to learn how to make friends and arrange a social life as I've not had siblings to fall back on.

I have my own opinions on only children but I won't air them as they're not really appropriate to your thread. You can never plan for the future so I would advise taking things as they come. You might have more in the future, you might not. Try not to worry about it, I'm sure your LO will be loved and adored no matter what you decide

 

[KHTW]

You have to make the choice that is best for you and your family but being an only child sucks (in my opinion). Yes, growing up I had all my parents attention/money to myslef but now being an adult I hate the fact that I don't have a brother or sister and after my parents are gone I will be left with no close family (accept of my hubby and kids).

I hope you make the right choice for you and your baby x

 

[ShowingPromise]

It seems that the decision of how many children to have is as individual as deciding to have them in the first place and yet it is assumed (in general) that if you have one, you want at least one more.

My family have made sure that the future issues such as care fees and funeral costs etc are taken care of years in advance of when they are actually needed, even down to appointing solicitors of their choosing, to make sure that there is no financial or logistical burden when the time comes, for the younger members of the family. We intend on following suit, so the issues that our son will have to deal with in the future will be emotional rather than having to deal with the practical too.. that's not to say that it will be all plain sailing and that every eventuality will be catered for but it will help.

Our son has 4 cousins ranging from 2-8 years older than him (possibly there will be more at some point) and two sets of aunts/uncles as well as a large extended family. So i guess I'm not too concerned about him being 'alone' in that sense. As as been said before, simply having a sibling is no guarantee of a close relationship.

I have a sister who is 6 years older and we didn't get on that well as kids - I was annoying to her, and i don't blame her! It was at its worst when she was 14/15.. being a teen with an 8/9 year old sister was hard for her and i didn't always appreciate why she didn't want to play with me. Thankfully as we got older we have grown close and now see each other at least once a week. When we were young she would play with my cousins who were closer her age and i played mainly with my school friends or friends who I'd made at the stables. So we led pretty separate lives in many ways as kids.

I think that not being close to my sis when we were young has made us both very independent. I see some of my friends kids refusing to do things unless their sibling does it too, and we were never like that really. Not saying that's true of all kids of course, but i don't think being an only child has to be seen as negative.

 

[TTT]

I agree with the other ladies, its a completely personal decision and I think your opinion is greatly influenced by your own experiences.

I am a middle child of three - and hate the psychology tagged to middle child syndrome. I had a traumatic experience as a result of, in my opinion, my.parents negligence and selfishness. I was 13 and it led me onto many mental.problems including ocd and depression. I still battle with the aftermath now. My mum loves having lots of children and she was a child of four. She think she and my dad did a good job bringing us up 'given the circumstances' - which were them being young and having their first pregnancy unplanned and not being married and having no money.

Anyway I think my parents had more children than they could provide for emotionally as they still wanted their own hobbies/time and I also feel that they weren't mature enough. As a child, I hated my little brother as I thought the difficulties I faced as a child were his fault but as I've grown up I see things very differently and we have a fairly strong bond. However I cannot stand my older brother who has made my adult life very difficult at times so much so I have cut ties with him.

My point is from a childhood with siblings, from a childhood who's parents wanted more children for them rather than for siblings and who weren't mature enough to decide that they did put high value on their own needs enough to prevent them from having more children. I am so glad I have my younger brother as an adult but I think my parents would have been better parents if they'd stuck to one child and me and my brother were never born. I'm not saying I wish that is what had happened but I totally respect people who choose not to have any children and those who choose to have one.

Op, if you don't want to sacrifice any more of yourself than you have already done then pat yourself on the back as I think that is a respectful, mature and decent decision. I do agree that you need to have a discussion with your husband but ultimately its your body that has to produce a child and ultimately you who has to go on maternity leave and, I'm my opinion and experience, has to have a slightly higher portion of the responsibility of your children.

I always said I wanted two children as I thought that was a good number for many reasons but I sometimes find it difficult to provide one child with the emotional needs i think he has and he's only 9 months old!

 

[BunnyN]

It's no-one else's business. End of.

Other than your oh of course. I think with him you do need to talk things through together - with you listening to his reasons for changing his mind and him listening to your reasons for still wanting just the one. Obviously you will have to come to an agreement between you, but you shouldn't feel pressured into having a pregnancy/child that they don't want to have.

As for anyone else, they can eff off can't they?? Just change the subject every time it's mentioned. Add a one-liner along the lines of "it's our decision and ours alone" if you feel the need. And don't worry about sounding rude if you say that - they are the ones being rude for thinking that your family planning is anything to do with them. xxx

I think this is well put.

I do believe we have a responsibility towards family, including elderly parents, and plan to bring up my children with the same ethic but its so true that things can change so you can never count on thing being a certain way.

We decided to have more than one but its something we thought about a lot.There are benefits and pitfals to either choice. Its more about doing a good job with the children you have. I think there is a danger with thinking that giving a child a good life is giving them everything they want which isnt always good for them. There are times when I would like to spend more time with my DD though. Which is a sacrifice I had to make for her to have sibblings. I can understand why some would have made a different choice.