Broken

[caseysmummy11]

Today I'm feeling completely broken and numb again. I feel exactly how I did in the first week after it happened but this time there's no denial, there's a deep sadness that doesn't seem to go at any point. My heart feels broken into millions of pieces and I don't know how to make myself feel better. I feel guilty to my other children and my oh as I'm mentally not here and it's not fair to them either. We started planning her funeral service on Tuesday and booked it for next Thursday at 9am. We've had people moan that it's too early as some won't be able to make it as it's short notice for work and my mum even moaned that it meant she'd hit rush hour traffic! That made me so angry as if I could have my baby here I would do anything to not have to bury her and have her home with me. I opened her memory box for the first time since leaving hospital on Wednesday and even looked at her pictures from the memory card which I thought would help but I don't think I was ready as it's completely broke me again seeing how still she looked and I miss holding her and cuddling her. Xxx

 

[mylullaby]

This is so sad. So sorry you're going through this. If ever there was a time when you're well within your rights to be a snappy bitch, it is now. Tell the moaners that if they cannot bear the inconvenience they can stay at home. Disgraceful. Lean on your oh and friends and family for support honey - take any help you're offered - be kind to yourself and don't feel bad because you're grieving. Grief is a perfectly natural process and dealing with your emotions now will help you to cope better in the long run. Are you having counselling? There's no right and wrong way to feel when it comes to grief - everyone's different - so if you need to leave your memory box somewhere out of sight for a few weeks, months, years that's absolutely fine. It'll still be there when you're ready. Do what's right for you xxx

 

[SR35]

I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and am so sorry for your loss, it is truly heartbreaking. There's no need to try and be brave, just take it one hour at a time if need be and just do whatever feels right for you. Wish there was something more I could say but sometimes there just aren't any words. Big hugs xxxx

 

[Bonfire Bride]

Thinking of you at this difficult time. xxx

 

[Emerald rose]

I wish I could say something to make things easier.
When I buried my son so many people had an opinion of what should and shouldn't be done it was over whelming. I felt like people were forgetting that he was my baby and i needed support from them.

Then there was the unhelpful comments that i would be ok and you can still have more.

Time will heal eventually my son will he 12 this year and there are times when I think i've accepted it and other times where i haven't

 

[Bethyboo87]

So so sad that you have to go through this, no one should. Thinking of you, hugs xx

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling slightly better this evening although I'm feeling so angry with my mum I can barely speak to her. We've decided to see zara again at the chapel of rest on Tuesday to dress her and give her a last cuddle before the funeral so that's keeping me going until then. Ive decided to just live each moment as it arrives for now rather than think of tomorrow or next week. I'm dreading saying our final goodbyes though xxx

 

[Mum2Many]

I'm so sorry hun. I'd be angry with my Mum too if she was being that way over something so important.

(((((HUGS))))) I know it seems an odd thing to say but make sure you take plenty of photo's at her funeral (or get someone else too). I've never been through it myself, but have several friends who have and of them two took photo's and none of the others did. They tell me it's a big regret for them and obviously it's not something you can change once it's over. I'd hate you to not think of it and then regret it later on... (((((HUGS)))))

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks hun. I will take some pictures. Ive been contemplating it but wasn't sure whether or not to, but I will as it's better to have it and not want to look at it than not have it and want to look at it.

Today I've bought a mother and daughter necklace so half goes with zara and half stays with me it's a big heart with a little heart cut out so it's fitting really as a part of me will always be missing without her. Ive also bought a sister one for her and one for lily. They don't fit together I've just bought two the same and it reads sister there is no better friend than a sister and no better sister than you. I'll give lily hers when she's old enough to appreciate it and understand and be able to explain they both have one. Ive also been getting her clothes we want her buried in ready to dress her Tuesday. It may sound silly but I can't stand the thought of her being cold. So have found a vest and sleepsuit a pair of socks and scratch mits and a cardigan and hat and she will be wrapped in the blanket I made her before she was born. My hearts aching a lot today and I feel like I miss her so much more everyday. I feel like crying and kicking and screaming and begging for her back but I know nothing I do will bring her back and I would do anything. The pains feeling much worse everyday, I never knew I could hurt this much and the scary thing to me is it will never go away. I just don't understand why her and why me today not that I'd wish this upon anyone else either. I just wish I could have saved her xxx

 

[Babybushie28]

Sending you a big hug at this sad time hun xxxxx

 

[Lisa888]

Sending u hugs and comfort to you and all around you!
Lots of love
xx

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thank you ladies. Well it's been a very busy and emotional week, on Tuesday I saw zara again in the hospital chapel of rest and we changed her clothes. She looked different but I was expecting that. Then on Wednesday I went to see her at the funeral directors and put her necklaces I'd bought with her and a couple more teddy bears we had bought for her. The hospital clinical photography took some pictures of me holding both babies and both of them together and I've just had them back which are lovely and then on Thursday we had baby zaras funeral, it was very hard but it all went how we wanted it to go which I was grateful for an even the rain held off until after the burial which was good. I felt a bit of closure after as I felt better that she could finally rest now as I hated the thought of her being stuck in the hospital chapel of rest. Feeling down again today and really missing her but I've found letting myself cry helps me feel better a little bit at a time. Xxx

 

[mylullaby]

Cannot imagine how hard this week has been for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family xxx

 

[JJ Mum]

I just can't imagine what your going througth, but you have been so brave. I love your necklaces for you abd Lily to have half and Zara the others, your in my thoughts xx

 

[Allthingsgirly]

I dont know the right words to say & honestly i dont think their are any! My heart breaks for you reading this had me in floods of tears & making me want to give you a massive hug & tell you just how strong & inspirational you are right now even though you may not think you are! Im so so sorry your having to go threw this & having to endure such heartless words from the people closest to you, forget them & concentrate on you, your family & your little girl! Much love to you all x

 

[Mum2Many]

I just can't even imagine hun. (((((HUGS))))) I am so, so sorry!

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. It feels so surreal atm like it never really happened. The only thing that makes it real is the ache in my chest. It's like I'm in denial but I don't want to be. It's also getting to me not knowing why she passed away. I didn't think it would bother me as knowing wouldn't bring her back anyway but its constantly in my head questioning what caused it. Was it my itchy hands and feet. My blood results came back that my liver salts we're still raised 1 week later. If it was that wouldn't it have affected lily too as they shared a placenta or was it because one of the cords was more vulnerable and was that cord zaras anyway? I've read that obstetric cholestasis could cause heart attacks if levels are left untreated for babies in the womb so I hope it wasn't that and I hope that she never felt any pain. I also wonder had the midwife taken my concerns about the itching seriously I would have been monitored better and it could have saved her if that was it. The care I received from my hospital was a bit of a hash tbh I now realise. The sonographers we're brilliant but it felt like the consultant nor midwife wanted to actually do their role as they kept referring me back to one another and the midwife wasn't interested in advising me on anything. I really wished I had pushed harder to see a twin specialist but my consultant convinced me that my babies were doing well so didn't see the need to transfer my care to the bigger hospital and there was so much bad publicity about the bigger hospital as they had taken a lot of our local hospitals services that they were made to look bad and overworked so I was worried my care there would be compromised even more but in actual fact they were fantastic. I know I'll never have these answers but I hope writing them down my get them out of my head for a while so I'm not constantly questioning. I never wanted a post mortem as I didn't want my baby to have to go through that as she was perfect to me. I wish they're could be a less invasive way to get answers. Plus there was only a 50%chance of getting answers anyway and it wasn't worth it to me. Sorry for rambling just need to empty my head of my thoughts before I go crazy xxx

 

[Emapot1]

Hi caseysmummy, Its time that makes a difference and unfortunately, your trauma is so so raw and fresh still. Someone once told me after I gave birth to annabel, your head is like a cloud, a cloud full of Annabel, what's, whys, when's and how's. Eventually that cloud over time starts to break away and you slowly you start to see little bits of sky and those little bits of sky are a clearer understanding that what's has happened, is something that might become easier to contemplate. Eventually you get left with a few clouds of your baby and they will always be there but they will be more manageable. I think it's very early days and I remeber soon after the birth, writing lots of memory's of my pregnancy and trying to peice up a possible answers as to why it happened. In three weeks it will be nearly a year and I still haven't got all my questions answered. I do know it was a virus but how, why and when, remains unknown and that is something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. Accepting it happened is very hard, so I truely so feel your every pain. Xxx

 

[Emapot1]

I too rejected a post mortem as the same as you couldn't bare the thought of her going through the tests etcxx

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thank you empot that helps. That's a lovely way of explaining it too as that exactly how I feel, consumed by my thoughts. Although nothing can change it, I perhaps think it's because as mothers we have an instinct to protect our children and it's guilt over wondering what I could have/ should have done to protect her more. Although I know that nothing could have predicted it and there were no signs pointing that way and it's only in hindsight that I've had these thoughts of what else I should have done to push harder for them to be looked after more. But I do know that it's going to change nothing, I just feel like I can't accept she's gone. I visit her grave everyday since the funeral and I saw her be lowered into the ground but I still don't think she's there, I still think of her as in my tummy. I just want to be able to grieve properly. My heart aches yet I can't cry, although when we got the moulds of her hands and feet back yesterday seeing how good they were and how much like her hands they look like made me cry as I wanted to hold her real hand. I'm so sorry for your loss empot, knowing you've gotten through it gives me strength that I also will, I'm sorry that we both have to know this pain as no parents should ever have to go through with it. Thank you for sharing hun xxx