Breast feeding guilt

[Marymary]

Im feeling really crappy about failing at bfing. Its my own fault and its got to me now as Im sure everyone thinks Im a bad mother for not doing it.

When she was first born I wanted to BF and did to start but a few days in she was crying all the time and not latching on at all, no matter how hard the midwife tried either to get her on she still got agitated and cried. But we persevered.

She did get milk but bcos of all the crying my health visitor suggested buying a pump and expressing so I did and this she loved, crying stopped completely and she gets enough to eat. The health visitor said my flow was slow and if I hadnt had done this she would hav lost weight. But from that day on shes totally refused my breast.

This was all going fine till about a week or two ago when for one reason or another Ive not been expressing enough and topped her up on formula. She takes it fine and is healthy but now my supply has dwindled and Im scared to even sit there and try to express bcos I feel so bad that ive let this happen- so I avoid the disappointment,which is like making it even worse and my supplys right down.

My OH has been going on about me not doing it and hinting that he's disappointed in me but I panic, even the though of expressing is panicking me no end because of the disappointment and guilt I feel- I cant explian well tho as I kno that by avoiding it, my milk will only decrease.

Im sure ull think Im being pathetic too, I feel it. I didnt mean to let this happen but being we've been having so many visitors Ive been entertaining and the housework and generally being knackered formula just became a welcome quick relief and now Im losing my milk and ppl think Scarlett is suffering.

If breast is best and I had it, what does this say about me and what Im feeding her? I wish I could have done things differently but ive got myself into such a state eveytime i feed her now I feel bad as tho the world is judging me for not giving her breast milk.

 

[mummykay]

tell ur OH to sod off, bfing is damn hard work and I had the exact same thing with my OH - how the heck do they know whats its like to do it??? sorry little rant

if Scarlett is takin the formula and ur finding makin bottles is easier then go ahead hun, its a personal choice and u shouldnt feel intimidated to do it!

so long as ur baby girl is healthy and happy thats all that matters ask ur HV for more advice too

 

[Marymary]

Thanks I feel like ur the first person to have said its ok, usually its a case of me giving her second rate food, and i swear its not the case. I never intended on it and dont even kno if formula is bad? Is it? so many ppl formula feed I cant be doing harm?, but attached is such a stigma

 

[mummykay]

stuff the stigma, if formula was bad for babies it would never have been made

what matters is babba gettin the food to grow up to run u ragged

dont worry about what ur OH thinks either hun, and remember to talk to ur HV about it cos they could offer some advice too

Hope that helps

 

[Minxy]

I felt exactly the same and you've lasted a lot longer than me!

Any breastmilk you get into your baby will have given her the best of starts, well done.

No, formula isn't 'bad' and millions of babies are raised successfully on it. That said, it's not necessarily your only option here. You can still get the support you need if you want to try and continue b/f.

I'd get in touch with your HV asap, and asked to be refered to a local support network. NCT do them I believe.

If you feel in your heart that b/f has run it's course then switch. Whatever you decide, please don't feel bad.

 

[Charlotte & Emily]

there are so many people in this country (no one on this forum ) that make people feel bad about not breastfeeding even if they have tried but failed.
i stick two fingers up at them and tell them to fuck off!
my daughter is a beautiful, healthy, thriving (sp?) little girl and has formula, she had all my colostrum but found it so hard i decided to change her to forumla because it was BEST FOR HER
I agree with MK, is forumla was bad for babies why would they make it?
Explain to you OH that you have tried but you physically cant do it anymore.
Some babies just dont take to the breast as easily as others do

Dont let anyone make you feel bad

 

[Nicky_Jones]

Expressing and feeding expressed milk is hard. A lot harder than breastfeeding. It sounds to me like the midwifes didn't really know wat they were doing in advising you on your positioning and latch, which is certainly not your fault.

I had trouble getting started with breast feeding and the midwifes were pretty useless in helping me. However they did advice a good breast feeding clinic locally who were fantastic. I am still breast feeding now. I am back at work and when I first went back I was having to express about 12oz-14oz a day and I found that REALLY hard, and that was for just 2 feeds in a day. Thankfully now she is taking more solids and I only need to express of 5-6oz for while she is at nursery. To have supplied all her feeds with expressed milk exclusively you have done fantastically! I would advice going fully to formula as well.

I would like to say WELL DONE!

 

[mum2A&L]

i felt the same, when alice started to refuse me. i tried nipple shields as they left more like a bottle and they 'tricked' her for the night feeds.

i felt like i had let alice down, but after a few weeks of alice gaining weight fine on mostly formula and being generaly happier, ifelt better.


i think (don't hold me to this), if you carry on expressing you can get your supply back up

 

[libs]

forget the bloody guilt
When josh was born I was determined to breastfeed. Thing is that noone had told me that as he was born at 32 weeks he hadn't got the sucking reflex yet. Because he was so big the midwives assumed the dates were wrong. Actually he was just a strapping baby, and has continued on the same percentile right up to puberty. The consultant was even arguing with them as he could breathe alone - because I'd had steroids every other day for weeks

I tried so hard - seemed to spend all day every day trying to feed. But he was losing weight. So I agreed to cup feed as well (now I know they wanted me to cupfeed instead of bottle as he had no sucking reflex ) I carried on trying to bf for ages, producing less and less milk and getting more and more stressed until eventually I just thought this isn't worth it. So I stopped.

He's had the most important bit, he's grown taller than me already he's in the gifted and talented program at school so didn't hurt his intelligence and when I had to take him to the doctors recently (appt to check a congenital prob- he wasn't ill) the doctor pointed out that he hasn't seen him in 7 years so healthy and strong as well.

Sorry this is soooo long but your post upset me. Don't feel guilty - whatever you choose feel good about it

 

[Sammystar]

I know EXACTLY what you're going through marymary. I had problems breast feeding all three of my children and I went through such guilt when I stopped.
Fact is, you have to do what's best for you and your baby, and that might not alway be breastfeeding. You should be proud of yourself that you've got this far and you've given your LO the very best start you could. Your OH should be more supportive, bloody men!

 

[kirlykird]

Please don't feel guilty although I know it is hard.

I felt this way about Sam as due to elective section I didn't produce anything until he was around 3 days old.

I would try him and I was pumping away like mad in the hospital getting him any little drips I could.

By the time we came home I was feeding a lot more but also topping up with bottles occasionally.

I carried on this way and trying to exclusively breastfeed, I tried pumping it into a bottle for him too but he just wasn't satisfied after his meals. In the end he wasn't taking anything, I was sore and leaking all of the time but he just wanted the comfort and would scream and scream after he had woken up there.

After 6 weeks, I made the decision to exclusively bottle feed as we would both get into such a state with it ,I felt like I was a bad mother as I was starving him

Now he is a happy contented little boy who is finally putting on weight! When I was BF, he was falling lower and lower down the centiles, now he is going up and up and up

I do wish I could have BF for longer but I'm still proud of the fact that he had my colostrum abd milk for 6 weeks which is better than none and this is how yu should feel. DOn't beat yourself up, you've done a fantastc job

 

[Urchin]

If you want to carry on BFig, it's not too late, your supply would come back if you express a lot. Even women who have stopped for weeks can get their supply back if they persevere.

BUT if you feel like it will be more stress for you, and your baby is happy now on formula, then stop, and don't feel guilty cos you did well

 

[cloud9]

I have been lucky that B/feeding has come really naturally to Dylan and me and there are times I just want to stop so i can stop leaking milk.

I express milk at times for Dylan and sometimes i think it is actually more bonding as the position he is in we have more eye contact during the bottle feeds.

You have to do whats right for you and your LO and if that is formula then thats what it should be. Don't loose this prescious time feeling guilty when you are just trying your best

 

[SarahB]

First of all

Second of all, what are you doing entertaining and housework??? Be very strict with your visitors and don't do any housework, it can wait and really doesn't matter, or you could get your visitors to do a bit for you. This time is very precious and goes sooo fast, your first and only priority is you and your baby. Get as much rest as you possibly can.

If you want to keep up the breastfeeding then do it, keep her latched on as much as possible, rest loads and drink lots of water. There will be lots of people on here, including me, who will help and support you, and will be able to answer any questions.

If, however, you feel you can't or don't want to do it then please please don't feel guilty!!!! You must do what YOU feel is right for you and your baby. If you are stressed out and unhappy then baby will be too. There is nothing wrong with formula and you shouldn't let people make you feel you aren't doing the best for your baby. You know what is best for the two of you.

Please feel free to PM me if you need any help at all, and good luck hun

 

[Marymary]

Thanks guys,

I feel better today and when stu had gone to work I sat down and expressed, which doing on my own without him around looking annoyed at me for letting it decrease took the pressure off.

I think I had a bad weekend with guilt bcos stu's mum came down from Nottingham to stay friday till monday (we live in bristol) so Ive had the mother in law for four days lol, she's lovely but i found it really hard this weekend, they both just stare at me all the time when i deal with scarlett and his mum always tries to take her off me. I kno she's only doin it to help and bcos she wont see her that often but it makes me insecure that she thinks I cant cope, when actually Im a bit of a control freak who likes doin things my own way on my own mostly.

Anyway, now shes gone and Stu's back at work the pressure is off and I can do things with Scarlett my way again with no comments lol, bad thing is Stu says she wants to come down ever 4-6 weeks to stay 3 nights again.. OMG How can I say no!!

 

[Freya]

Hi,

Just wanted to comment on MIL. When my daughter was born my MIL came and stayed for 2 weeks. It was the worst 2 weeks of my life. My MIL is lovely but wanted daughter all to herself and kept taking her off me. I too felt more relaxed when she had gone.

As hard as it is I think you need to talk to OH and explain how you feel. You might feel up to facing MIL in 6 weeks time but you need to tell him that as lovely as she is it puts stress on you. This said I know it is easier said than done and it is only now that I stand up to husband on these issues.

Anyway good luck I think you sound like you have done brilliantly. BTW 'bad' mothers generally don't worry about what they are doing so never ever think you are one of them

 

[Rubys mummy]

You did well to put up with MIL the last time, I would defo put my foot down and tell OH you dont think its a good idea she comes again so soon...these first few months are so precious-I understand she wants to see her granddaughter but you are her mother, and you want to bond and get to know her without the interuptions of others....I was really strict with visitors when Ruby was born and I am so glad I did as I struggled with motherhood for first 6 weeks, and I didnt need people being there, as I was anxious I wasnt doing things right....gradually I found my way, got to know her and enjoy her.

As for feeling guilty about BFing, I felt the same, tried for a few days at the hospital but Ruby was constantly screaming and hungry...I was in a lot of pain from c section so switched to formula and she was a different baby almost immediatley-content and happy. I never looked back but did feel for several weeks I had let her down in some way. OH could help to eed her too which helped me a lot as I had a bad infection in my section wound which knocked me for six.

Whatever you decide, you are doing a fantastic job and having a happy baby and a happy mummy is what you are aiming for xxxxx